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From London said my old friend Greg,
"Don't travel around here, I beg.
Trains and busses are nice,
Though cheap at the price;
They'll cost you an arm and a leg.
--- David Miller

There once was a leopard named Nan,
Who drove in a spotted green van.
One day he crashed
And his van was smashed,
So instead of driving, he ran.
--- Anon

High on a hilltop in Frisco,
With his pecker greased lightly with Crisco,
A lecher named Whitney
Raped a girl in a jitney,
While she casually munched a Nabisco.
--- G0596

A speeding bus driver named Gus,
Was arrested, but not without fuss.
For he fell on his sword,
His aorta was gored,
And he bled all over the bus.
--- Pecos Bill

Stuck driving behind the bus;
I choke exhaust fumes and fuss.
I read the small sign
Stuck on behin':
"Good transport from good people like us!"
--- Marlene

There was a young girl, a sweet lamb,
Who smiled as she entered a tram.
And as she embarked,
The conductor remarked:
"Your fare." And she said, "Yes, I am."
--- Anon A

There was an old man called Rus,
Who was knocked down by a bus,
When asked "Are you dead?"
He nodded his head,
And caused quite a bit of a fuss.
--- Pamela Murphy

A jitney is sort of a bus;
When riding, the passengers fuss;
It wasn't worth a dime
Much less then, their time;
Coined the phrase, "Leave driving to us!"
--- Barb

Bride thought on the day they were wed,
Cadillac would convey to their bed.
But groom was a Scot,
And all that she got
Was cheap jitney ride there, instead.
--- Chris Papa

On a bright red London OMNIBUS
Worked a conductor known as Gus.
One would not dare
To skip paying fare,
Because Gus would fuss and would cuss.
--- Norm

There was a young lady of Rill,
In an omnibus was taken ill,
So she called the conductor,
Who got in and fucked her,
Which did her more good than a pill.

(Published 1870)
--- L0090

Said a fearful young lady named Whitney,
"No more will I ride in a jitney.
I was squeezed out of shape
By a man bent on rape,
And the jitney, I left with a bit knee."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2386

There once was a man from Malayer
Who refused to pay his bus fare
On account of the fact
That the downstairs was packed,
And the upstairs reserved for the Mayor.
--- Michael Palin

A herptologist, quite underrated,
Was once asked after he had long prated,
By a smart kid named Russ,
Q: What's a python and bus
Have in common? A: "They're reticulated."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9706

A lady had thought to discuss
With the driver, her rape on the bus,
Till she noticed the sign
Which said ten dollar fine,
If you raise on the bus any fuss.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0111

Once on a ski-bus from Vail,
A lass, petite and frail,
Flashed me a smile,
And with very smooth guile,
Took the last seat; left me on the rail.
--- Anon

A beautiful blonde of Kilbride,
Went along on a bus for the ride.
The conductor's "Your Fare?"
Was said with a glare.
"No I'm not," she just grinned, "I've been dyed."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

A man of Jewish persuasion,
Hated cabs - took the bus on occasion.
Sounds funny I guess,
But the old I.R.S.
Got him for 'taxi' evasion.
--- Ogden Nield

London busses are just not bomb-proof;
Angry passengers now sit aloof.
Far as I can guage,
It's not just road-rage,
That makes passengers now hit the roof.
--- David Miller

Some lawyers went off on a treat,
By bus, for to paddle their feet.
'Twas tragic, for all
Were killed in the fall
From a cliff... There were two empty seats.
--- Anon

My master persistently waited.
The faster his time was abated.
In spite of his aim,
The bus never came,
The thrill of the ride left unsated.
--- Brickman T9710

"I'm about to drop in on the French,"
Richard Branson said, taking a drench.
"This amphibious car,
I drove from afar,
For a record in crossing the trench!"
--- Anon

The trouble with airlines is planes;
The trouble with railways is trains.
It is better by far
To be out in your car
And annoy people in other lanes.
--- Watto

In London if travelling by car,
Chances are, you won't get very far.
It's deeply unpleasant,
Ah - Mornington Crescent!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
--- Kevin Hale Q

There was a young racer named Litton;
By terrible fates was he smitten.
On a tiger did bank
When he filled up his tank,
Only all that he had was a kitten.

(gasoline promotion 1960's - Put a tiger in your tank - McW)
--- Albin Chaplin

Do you really believe we will see
That despite the lack of energy,
The day when we'll abort,
Even though fuel runs short,
Big gas guzzlers like the SUV?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105

There are those who'd prefer, I've heard say,
That all safeguards be taken away.
And all those who object
Resource raping abject,
Should be torched in an anto-da-fe.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105

So I take it, blue color is pop.
It's on many of our car's top.
Some that run fine,
While others (like mine)
Cannot do much better than stop.
--- Misty Dragon

When cars drove a sedate 35,
Burma-Shave added spice to a drive.
Cavemen made chickens squawk,
Shaved men got baby talk,
Took slow motion for B-S to survive.
--- Esther Koch P9911

A girl taxi-driver named Bab,
Was trundling along in her cab,
When she saw in the road,
An old warty toad,
So she stopped, and for it made a grab.
--- Anon

In the cab he sat quietly there,
While she picked up and dropped many fare.
Then she picked up a drunk,
An abusive young punk,
Who swore using epithets rare.
--- Anon

"Come on, love, let's look at your quim."
She picked up the toad looking grim.
"I'll soon stop your itch,
'Cause I'm really a witch.
Quit bub, or you'll turn out like him."
--- Anon

Most drivers are nothing but goats;
They clutter the highway with boats.
If you take this delusion
To its sober conclusion,
You'll see cars, behind boats, towed on floats.
--- Albin Chaplin

This is file ebl

He took her for a spin in the car;
A convertible: a present from Da.
He said with a slight cough,
"I would like the top off,
So she took off her blouse and her bra!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

We're riding to town in the car;
We don't really have to go far.
My wife said with insistence,
"Its about twice that distance."
I said "Pull over, drop me at the bar!"
--- Anon

Here's a toast to the guys in the bar --
Let's hope that they all travel far
By boat or by train
Or by bus or by plane --
As long as they don't drive a car.
--- Neal Wilgus P8403

This may make the AIRBAG passe.
On contact, eject right away.
Retractable roof.
Your parachute "poof"
And much less insurance you'll pay.
--- Irving Superior P9203

Americans are in precarious condition;
In autos they hold dominant position.
It's a matter not trifling,
The exhaust is so stifling,
They will all soon expire from emission.
--- Albin Chaplin

A salesman broke down in the sticks.
Said the Farmer, "I ain't got no chicks,
But my son, who is gay -- "
Said the salesman, "I pray
Triple A can deliver a fix!"
--- John Miller 0006

A girl in a new car from Lancaster
Was chagrined when an old flivver passed her.
Said the driver, "My lass,
If you use Signal gas,
You'd not only go farther, but faster."

(prize winner - Oct 23 1949 Signal Oil Co - 20$)
--- Alma H Dickey P9812

Nuclear car engine mods?
I wonder just what are the odds.
To stop the emissions,
Just break form traditions,
And fuel 'em with small fission rods.
--- Anon

An ignorant Okie named Joad
Mused, "Why did that tire explode?
It was doing just fine
While I drove a straight line...
Then I came to that fork in the road.
--- Norm Storer P9607

A vintage-car buff named Zaccaro
Is, sexwise, a superstraight arrow;
Around he's not fooling --
But rather, though, tooling
In a Gerry-built Forties Ferraro.
--- Jim O'Conner P8412

An autocubologist named Bode
Carries a very great load.
Each day on the job,
He's careful to rob
The driver's view of the road.
--- Harry Rubin P9203

The price just went up at the pump.
We are all so happy we jump
For joy at the news --
"More Work!" we enthuse.
This is what keeps my pocket plump!
--- Marlene Lewis

I have a job in which I must travel
On long roads which are asphalt or gravel.
I go a long way,
And often I pray
That I won't be slowed down by a gavel.
--- Half Plume

By the side of the road stood Miss Barr;
Her battery was not up to par.
Said a driver named Gump,
"Can I give you a jump?"
She said, "Yes, if you first start my car."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1941A

An auto collector named Buster
Got laid on the hood of his Duster;
It was he and Miss Stax,
On a chamois, with wax -
And, man, did they bring out a luster!
--- Cap'n Bean P0402

A lady born under a curse
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse.
From the back she would wail
Through a thickness of veil:
"Things do not get better, but worse."
--- Edward Gorey

A girl undertaker named Barr,
Carried her independence to far.
When business was laggin',
She took her long wagon,
And started up Hearse rent-a-car.
--- Anon

He wrote a sweet sonnet on "Circe,"
In which he had rhymed her with "curse;"
And it gave such a start
To the Boston maid's heart,
That she took her next ride in a hearse.
--- Newton Mackintosh P8803

Detroit may succumb to the scars
Of the sixties. When men wearing stars
And their war got the shove,
We preferred to make love.
In Japan they preferred to make cars.
--- A N Wilkins P9203

Let's go for a drive somewhere.
Keep goin' til we're way over there.
I need a vacation,
Some recreation,
Let the wind fly free in our hair.
--- Anon

Fill the tank with gas in the van.
Are you ready to go? I am.
Just keep on goin'
Don't need to be knowin'
Where we are; we don't need a plan.
--- Anon

It will be a long and slow ride.
Next to you I'll sit alongside.
Your gears I'll help shift,
They seem a bit stiff,
Mechanical skills I'll provide.
--- Anon

Though ads in the paper may hex us
And hearing their prices may vex us,
Tremendous prestige
And, Noblesse oblige,
The ladies will eagerly sex us.
--- Irving Superior P9203

Don't ride with a wild London cabby.
The're dangerous, reckless and crabby.
And the price on the meter
Will shrivel your peter.
They'll inter you in Westminster Abbey.
--- Theo M Heller

If White House planners decree,
"The stick shift can no longer be.
Your new mission's
Automatic transmissions."
The shiftless on welfare agree.
--- Thomas M Patton P9511

The do-gooders. as usual, have won --
And the "manuals" are gone, every one.
Now each woman and man
Who drives car, truck, or van,
Is a cool shiftless son of a gun.
--- William N Nesbit P9511

As a curious matter of taste,
In America we have embraced
The automobile
Because cars reveal
That we have all that money to waste.
--- A N Wilkins P9203

Our leader asked Science to start
A project so dear to his heart --
They must work with persistence
To determine the distance
That a car can be moved with a fart.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2319

A driving instructor named Fred,
He turned to his student and said,
"Keep your manner serene,
Stay awake with caffeine,
And don't drive while you're getting some head!"
--- Anon

There was a pre-med from the West,
Whose class said he'd turn out the best.
He's a doctor today,
But no house calls, they say
He flunked out on his driver's test.
--- P8305

Hey, asshole! You're right on my tail;
You got your brains from a yard sale?
A wig-bug just bit me:
For crissakes don't hit me;
My blood-sucking lawyer's in jail!
--- Anon

Lookee here! My RV is quite lush;
All the comforts of home; I could blush;
You there, following behind,
Would you please be so kind;
Not to tailgate, or else I might flush!
--- Anon

She made friends with a young undertaker;
Her previous boyfriend did forsake her.
She started to curse
When he showed with a hearse.
She said next time she would date a baker.

(So she could get bread? - McW)
--- Arthur Pattaffy

So fast was the car of young Phil
'Twas easy to climb any hill.
But wherever he'd go,
All the traffic was slow.
He spent most of his time standing still.
--- Albin Chaplin


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