A novice was driving a car,
When down Porlock his son said, "Papa
If you drive at this rate,
We are bound to be late,
I'd drive faster!" He did and they are!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A gangster chief bet that his limousine
Could quickly outrun a more trim machine;
But sad to recall,
He ran into a wall --
And now he inhabits a grimmer scene.
--- Norm Storer

With automobiles future tense,
And traffic a great deal less dense,
Although more roads were gravel,
It was safer to travel
When horsepower went with horse sense.
--- A N Wilkins P9203

A slick chick named Kathy O'Farrell
Claimed gas cost kept her in a barrel,
Till to Signal she turned
And rapidly learned,
She could have both a car and apparel.
--- Anon

Said the boy driving home towards Clere,
"We have just run out of petrol, my dear."
Said the girl, "Not to worry!
I'm not in a hurry.
You get out and push and I'll steer."
--- Ida Thurtle

On the highway we came to a halt.
I found lack of juice was the fault.
So I said with a sigh,
"Erm, the fuel tank's dry."
And gee, how I suffered assault.
--- Anon

She gave me a clout on the ear.
All I asked was to bring me some beer,
And that store she must pass,
As she walked to get gas...
It's that damned PMS thing I fear.
--- Anon

They built one that resists rust and dents.
Now that makes good dollars and cents.
But what we really need,
Detroit please take heed,
Is a car that outlast the payments.
--- John K Roberts P9304

There was a young man from Accrar,
Who once ran exceedingly far.
But he ran without knowing
Just where he was going,
And came first in the Paris-Dakar!
--- Friar

A driver parked in a lay-by
With a breakdown. A drunk passing by
Quizzed this unlucky bloke,
Who replied, "Piston broke."
Said the drunk with a belch, "So am I!"
--- Mike Dale A

Not long after Malthus lamented
That if war and disease were prevented,
Men would soon overrun
The planet, someone
Wisely saw that the car was invented.
--- A N Wilkins P9203

I bought me a big smart Mercedes,
With which to attract gorgeous ladies.
Did I reach heaven's gate,
When I went off with Kate?
Not likely. That car came from Hades.
--- Anon

It's an old ploy, to run out of gas,
But not on the Reading bypass.
Causing much ambulation,
To the nearest gas station,
And much wasted time with that lass.
--- Anon

Returning, I tried to inspire
That gal into waves of desire,
By telling sweet lies,
Praising hair, breasts and eyes...
But then damn! We got a flat tire.
--- Anon

The tire was changed. I said "Good.
We'll go into that handy wood,
And there 'neath the trees,
We'll do as we please.
Come on, let us get in the mood."
--- Anon

I fondled her mammary glands.
She screamed "No! Just look at your hands!"
Her blouse streaked with oil,
Took her clean off the boil,
She left me there, dumbstruck, and ran.
--- Anon

She got in my car then, the bitch,
Drove off and forced me then to hitch,
And reaching the end
Of my trek, on a bend,
I found my poor Merc in a ditch.
--- Anon

So now I've a Merc here for sale.
For pulling the birds, it won't fail.
A fornicatorium,
And ladies adore-i-'em,
From now on I'm sticking to rail.
--- Anon

Some chemists are working in Bethel
To produce a new fuel from methyl;
I hope they have luck,
But for my own buck,
I'm still satisfied pumping Ethel!
--- Travis

Once an old man from Mars
Was arrested for burning down bars.
His parents got mad
And kicked his butt bad;
Now he only incinerates cars.
--- Chris Ault P9603

An old Indian Chief Bunning B'ar,
At making it rain was a star.
Asked, "How do you do it?"
He said, "Nothing to it."
"To make rain, me just washum car."
--- Mary Rita Hurley

I'm not sure just how this I should cage
So your anger it might not assuage,
But genetically
And frenetically
Some may be predisposed to "Road Rage".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9803

A logomachist said, feeling jerks, (word expert)
As he drove over potholes, "This irks
Me to great stupefaction;
The roads out of action,
But signs still inform me Road Works!"
--- Prof M-G TP9901

Said the Mountie, "I'm puzzled by far,
I know you ain't been in the bar,
But your legs are quite wobbly,
And your head's rather bobbly",
I groaned, "Yes! I came here by car."

(rough roads in Canada)
--- Port McNeill Chamb P0205

There once was a fellow named Mark,
Who would play with his cock in the dark.
He'd pretend that his prick
Was a transmission stick,
And he'd come when he'd shift into park.
--- Mike Dale

The White House welfare plans compel
Fluid drive on all cars, dealers sell.
For the first time ever
All Americans never
Have the need to shift for themselves.
--- Thomas M Patton P9511

"My car seemed to need overhauling;
The gas it consumed was appalling.
Then Signal I tried
And now when I ride,
I can pay for my gas without bawling.

(contest winner)
--- Mrs W G Reed P9901

While waxing her car, young Miss Wise
By Simon was caught by surprise.
He lifted her gown,
And her panties dropped down --
She was trapped by those big Simoniz.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2391

To solve old age effectively,
At sixty three, drive sixty three.
At sixty four
Add one mile more
And so on ad infinity.
--- Irving Superior P8509

Though it's spoken in competent verse,
Your logic's a little perverse;
To keep easing my pace
For a two-second space,
I'll soon find that my car's in reverse.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

So long is my stretch limousine,
My chauffeur, I think his name's Gene,
Sits so far from me,
But no stranger, he,
For on U-Turns, his face I have seen.
--- Irving Superior P9408

Required in hee-haw country,
Is to own a pick-up truck, see.
But here we have class,
We don't want our ass
To get wet; we own SUV's.
--- Anon

An old taxi driver named Frank
Had a nest-egg put away in the bank.
A quick word or a joke
At his fares he would poke.
Frank the Crank he was known in the rank.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

This is file eal

A Seoul taxi-driver named Chun
Complained that his car wouldn't run.
He meant, don't you know,
That the horn wouldn't blow
And, without it, to drive was no fun.
--- James Wade P8303

A man whose mind had gone blank
Caught a cab on the end of the rank.
Said the cabby, "Where to?"
He said, "China will do --
So you'd better fill up your tank."
--- Spike Milligan

A maker of bottles was Barr;
He was known as the throw-away czar.
He was bold and astute
And he made so much loot
That he drove in a throw-away car.
--- Albin Chaplin

There came a young fellow named Knight
Who zipped in a fanciful flight.
With the yellow light on,
He just sped along;
He was fined when he went through the light.
--- Albin Chaplin

They're drilling me street, so they are.
'Tis Sewer Commissioners par,
To carve holes in the street
To prove their worth. Sweet!
Just leave me a path for me car!
--- Liam na Beag

A singer related to Brahms,
Showed an ambulance driver her charms.
He like them so much,
He allowed her to touch
The knob that set off the alarms.
--- Michael Palin P0110

If traffic light running's your bent
And traffic court is where you're sent,
The only excuse
That you cannot use --
I wonder where the yellow went.
--- Irving Superior P9803

Stuck again in a bad traffic jam,
Closed in tighter than jammed in a clam,
The best only way
To move is to spray
All of the jammed cars with some Pam. (teflon coating)
--- Timothy Torkildson

Looking for a car is a drag;
Going lot to lot till you sag.
You see one you like
But you don't want to bite,
'Cause the salesman is really a nag.
--- Azul

The snow on the ground necessitates
Closed transportation that's first rate.
A really good heater
In a low cost gas eater;
Hope I find one before I'm prostrate.
--- Azul

The Earth may be struck by a comet,
And suffer no ill effects from it.
We may even get past
A great nuclear blast,
But we'll choke on vehicular vomit.
--- Warrick Elrod a

There was a young fellow named Larket,
Who made many bucks on the market.
He then purchased a car,
Much the largest by far,
But he never was able to park it.
--- Albin Chaplin

A lady not up to modernity
Did say to the driving fraternity,
"If you don't watch your feet
While you're crossing the street,
They will blast you right into maternity. (eternity)
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2709

"With your van stripped, you can't get around;
Let's swap tools, love, my logic is sound;
High voltage zap fries,
Makes it polymerize;
While it's curing, let's go fool around!"
--- Anon

Said a girl from beyond Pompton Lakes,
"I do make the most stupid mistakes,
Now the cars in the hall;
It went right through the wall,
When I mixed up the gas and the brakes.
--- Morris Bishop

A deli hopping Jew name of Levy,
Found himself growing exceedingly heavy.
On his way back from lunch.
He was involved in a crunch.
And cream cheese oozed out of his Chevy.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A man with an auto antique,
Set out with his girl for Pike's Peak;
He burned out his wires,
And bursted his tires,
And skidded down into a creek.
--- Levi N Fouts P0509

He cussed till he swore a blue streak,
She fainted and grew very weak;
But under the seat
Were some good things to eat,
And, heavens! Keep quiet! Don't speak!
--- Levi N Fouts P0509

While travelling the M1 Motorway,
An accident caused a delay.
A rather young chap
Had a little mishap,
And that really messed up his day.
--- Mystacy

His car is now a complete wreck
And he's got whiplash in his neck
As the van driver behind
Had something else on his mind
As from his girlfriend he was getting a peck
--- Jim Weaver Collection

His brakes he applied much to late
And the noise from the impact was great
The look on his face
As he ran out of space
And now all his girl gives is hate
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It's taken an hour or two
Just to reach the front of the queue.
The average speed
Did not exceed
In KPH t'was Twenty Two!
--- Mystacy

A careless old cook of Salt Ash,
With a second-hand car, had a crash.
She ploughed through a wall,
House, garden, and all,
And ended up 'bangers and mash'.

(banger and mash - sausages and mashed potatoes)
--- Blue Peter Lim Book P0112

The nocturnal peregrination
Of items of green vegetation,
Is often denied,
But what is implied
Must merit a full investigation.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"That Dunsany Wood," said old Bill,
"Has migrated over the hill."
That claim's not rejected,
And generally accepted
That Shakespeare's not mentally ill.
--- Tiddy Ogg

And if dear old Willy don't rate,
Then boffins will certainly state,
(And most will concur.)
That you can this infer
From molecules randomized fate.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Your Honor, I'm sure now you came
To see now how just is my claim.
I hit not that tree;
The thing ran at me.
I cannot be held up to blame.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It pounced as I rounded the curve;
I'd no chance, although I prayed ferv-
Ently, and 'twas handy
That I had that brandy,
To afterwards steady my nerve.
--- Tiddy Ogg

In her car, she pulled to the shoulder,
And was struck by a very large boulder.
The doc did confess:
She was quite a mess,
For the boulder did definitely fold her!
--- Observer

There once was a dimwit named Bill
Who parked his sedan on a hill.
He did not set the brake,
And off it did take.
To this day he is chasing it still.
--- Coleen Ebbert

A hoyden who drove a large tourer
On the motorway caused a great furor.
She ran down a Scots scooter
Who ignored the loud hooter,
And was canceled out by her insurer.
--- A N Wilkins P9211

An old broad with a squinty-eyed stare
Hit me broadside and said, "I declare,
Not my fault, no siree,
Even though I can't see,
I could not hit you if you weren't there!"
--- Ann Gasser P9412

A man once looked 'neath the car's hood,
And what he found was not too good.
He go blown to scrap,
And now there's some crap
On the ground where he had just stood.
--- Anon