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Mr Spooner, my printer is swell; There was a professor named Whithouse, The scamp who stole Jan's private journal I hope you have plenty to read; Leaves are the worse wipe outside; Some say that their tails are too soft A masochist, old Henry Kettle, Your loo tissue prize may I tout (in response to a toilet paper prize from Pentatette)
The view from the outhouse was dandy, There once was a woman named Dotty, Old Cooper's Droop Bertha from Kitts, A Brown Bear in the woods took a shit; Just then came a furry rabbit, Now our bear being a wily old shit, An old country yokel named Bob His fatidious brother-in-law A much younger fellow named Draper, His girl wed a fellow named Potts; A hapless young fellow named Whit Those pit loos are just what they seem; Mary went camping with Lee, When I'd forget to leave the seat down, When a guy has to go take a piss, Leaving the seat down may be sweet, I was already thirty three He dotes on my every desire; Nothing makes any impression; Much less, to walk through the splatters; But the concept that they just won't get This problem is easy to fix Ladies, they will miss the point, Women always say men should be She complained when the seat wasn't down, To me, the objection seems silly, What's the deal with this toilet-seat crap? Well I tend to leave the seat down; Decisive denoument, Waterloo, A witch named Barbara Ann I sit in this room drinking tea. The ladies room is filled with men! I don't think that soap ought to talk. There once was a man in a pumpkin, The man took a wife in the pumpkin, Those strange looking toilets in town Caught short in the town yesterday; Here's what makes me want to holler -- There was an old man from Orleans So that's who I saw in the brush; In my young years, my favorite fixation (apologies to Mark Twain)
Good for you is not what's good from me; And Clarence, aged ninety, feels fine, I like to lim but, pity! The loo is a place where it's hushed; The toilet has no space to hide I got me an over-sized bowl Heather has gone to the shower; Now she doth dry off her hair Friends, welcome here to our abode, Oh Lord, let this bathroom be blessed Consider this bathroom, please do, The bath? That's no bath, why excuse me; It matches the washbasin made The wallpaper, note, is Art Deco; Now look at the carpet awhile But never mind that; are you done? When life has you totally pissed, Young Heather is having a sloosh;
It prints like a bat out of Hell.
And for toilet paper
I use my patch scraper;
But it doesn't absorb very well!
--- Al Willis T9710
Who lived in a fine and a fit house.
Reader's Digest he kept
In his room where he slept,
And Playboy he kept in the shithouse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2384
Had something in mind most infernal.
She sobbed, "My oh my!"
And she left it to dry
When she fished it up out of the urinal.
--- Tarazed
Now what will you want for this deed?
With this terrible turd
It might sound absurd,
But "The Times" is what you will need.
--- Anon
Tried nettle and cursed 'til I cried.
When clingers must linger,
Those times, I just finger,
But freshly shot squirrel's the best ride.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And oft times the fur will rub off.
To de-fuzz your ringer,
Just pull the old finger,
And blow the debris cleanly off.
--- Jodi
When holly is short, oft will settle,
To carefully pick,
Then wrap round his dick,
The foliage from stinging-type nettles.
--- Anon
As a moving award beyond doubt.
Paper issues, you know,
Have struck bottom and so
This helps those who risk being wiped out.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9101
But the paper was No. 2 sandy;
Said the cowboy, "Don't grieve;
I'll wipe on my sleeve,
Which is softer, but somewhat unhandy."
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Who kept my book next to her potty.
It has saved her on tissue,
So I'll send the next issue,
With the promise 'twill be just as naughty.
--- Bob Birch P0107
Had a terrible case of the shits.
'Twas a horrible vapor
And she had no paper,
So she just wiped has ass with her tits.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He was cunning with plenty of wit.
He looked for some grass
To wipe off his ass,
Because clingons offended a bit.
--- Anon
For the purpose of having a shit,
Said the bear "lovely day"
and the rabbit said "yea",
And they chatted on for a bit.
--- Anon
Said, "Mr Rabbit, to your fur does shit stick?
When the rabbit said "no",
The bear lifted our beau,
And wiped off his ass with the twit.
--- Anon
Would gnaw all the corn off the cob,
Then he'd dry out the ears
For the family rears --
It sure enough did a fine job.
--- Armand E Singer 995
Said, "You're crude and it sticks in my craw;
Why in hell do you linger?
Use your right index finger;
Then you wipe off the mess with some straw."
--- Armand E Singer 996
Who gags at the hint of a vapor,
Said, "You're both quite disgusting;
You old farts need adjusting,
Sear's catalogs make the best paper."
--- Armand E Singer 997
When they get a case of the trots,
No finger, no cob,
No Sear's does the job:
It's soft bathroom tissue from Scott's.
--- Armand E Singer 998
Attempted to crap in a pit.
He grimaced and squeezed,
Then sadly he sneezed,
And found himself deep in the shit.
--- SFA
From splinters, a bloodcurdling scream.
And deep down those holes
One imagines big trolls
Will rise up and bite you midstream.
--- Emma
And stepped into the outhouse to pee.
Too bad she'd no pole,
And fell into the hole;
But she'll get out, "primarily!"
--- Cyber Wizard
My sweetheart wore a permanent frown.
I found a solution;
No more revolution,
I just go out and piss on the ground.
--- Anon
What really annoys me is this:
The seat is left high,
Now come on, don't be shy!
To just leave it down, would be bliss!
--- Jayne
But it means that I soak the seat.
It would really be great
If I could pee straight,
But most times I just wet my feet.
--- Anon
When we wed, my true love and me.
I figured I'd miss
My singular bliss,
But I knew we'd live happily.
--- Karen
He'd walk through flood or a fire,
But he leaves up the seat
When he's taken a leak --
It's a flaw they all seem to acquire.
--- Karen
There's no way to teach him a lesson.
I've thought on it much,
Disliking to touch
The seat that he's made such a mess on.
--- Karen
Do they think that shaking it matters?
Where does it splash,
When they jiggle the last?
On the floor where I pitter my patters!
--- Karen
Because they infrequently sit:
"When you lift the seat UP,
Put it DOWN so my butt
Won't fall in and get soaking wet!"
--- Karen
With one of those feminine tricks.
Pad, thickly, the cover,
The seat will just hover,
Then slam when we're through with our dicks.
--- Karen
Their own heads, they want to annoint.
They need their own bath,
I've done the math.
No matter, they'll piss up the joint!
--- Karen
Thoughtful of them after they pee.
"Put zee seat down, ach tung!
If you don't, you'll be hung!"
Why don't you PUT IT UP for me?
--- Gearhart
And called me a mannerless clown;
But when, on the top,
She found a wee drop,
That also soon gave her a frown.
--- Anon
This is file dzm
And how does her fanny get chilly?
Seems the ones with the tits
Should look, 'fore they sits,
And not raise their voices so shrilly.
--- Anon
If we don't put it up, there's a flap.
Leave it up, and we get,
A new lecture yet.
Either way, we'll be in for a rap.
--- Bluebird
It's better than cleaaning the ground,
And easier on me
For scrubbing the sea,
Cause I have to wash up the town.
--- Vladdus Mpale
Is just like the sleepy woman who
Sank in the bowl deep,
Shocked out of her sleep,
When men left the lid up in the loo.
--- Daniel Ford
Needed to go to the can,
So she flew on her broom
To the nearest men's room,
And relieved herself just like a man
--- William K Alsop Jr
It's late and now I gotta pee.
The door is unlocked
Guess I shoulda knocked --
But, you all should see what I see!
--- Anon
They're acting like pigs in a pen.
They're rooting around
Looks like one has found
Enough mops and buckets for ten.
--- Anon
At dancing men's undies I gawk.
A tough singing beard
Is overly weird.
I do not want my food to walk.
--- Anon
Who had nothing to take a nice dump in.
So he carved a nice crack;
Now he calls his house, "Jack,"
And his neighbors all call him "Bumpkin."
--- ClaraBlue
And she became known as his rump kin,
Because they would rut
In just one place, but
He still called her his cuntry bumpkin.
--- ClaraBlue
(Sort of circular) cause me to frown.
For the doors automatically
Open erratically,
Just as you start to squat down.
--- Peter Wilkins
Did my business; could not get away,
For the door stuck; oh shit --
Tried to hide but got hit
By that needle-sharp self-cleaning spray.
--- Anon
Pay toilets get me hot under the collar!
I try crossing my legs,
While I hopelessly beg --
"Does anyone have change for a dollar?"
--- Anon
Who sprouted a bulge in his jeans.
He'd walk in the park
Till long after dark,
But he couldn't locate the latrines.
--- H Welchel
That hissing sound was a big gush
Of water for weeds
Or poisoning seeds.
And the jerk did not even flush.
--- Marlene
Was hours of great fornication.
At age eighty-four,
What excites me much more,
Is an easy and good defecation.
--- Jeff Wisnia
What I want is a comfortable pee --
While a strong yellow stream
Is naught but a dream;
And Hell, I just turned eighty-three.
--- John Miller
Saying "Neithers a problem of mine.
The pee is all gone;
I poop before dawn,
Though I never awake before nine.
--- John Miller
I can offer no cute little ditty.
So I'll sit on the "throne"
And sulk all alone,
'Til I have produced something shitty.
--- C Anton
Where thoughts can be pondered unrushed.
So stay there to read
And don't try to speed
Away when you're feeling quite flushed.
--- Travis
My dong, so this here's what I've tried:
Fling over your shoul-
der and into the bowl
Of the wash basin standing 'longside.
--- Anon
To keep that hard chill off my pole.
But still, when I'm lit,
And after I sit,
I stand while I deep cast and troll.
--- Anon
She soaps her self for half an hour.
Her family's in pain
As she hogs the sole drain;
In the hall, they wait and they cower.
--- Squat
On her legs, she applies oily nair.
Her family is moaning
Their bladders are groaning
This one bath, the poor family shares.
--- Squat
Our bathroom has passed the health code,
Though, to our lament,
There is an odd scent,
From Heather, there, on the commode!
--- Observer
With freshness for each passing guest.
May they always have papers,
Never suffer from vapors,
And remember to leave fully dressed!
--- Brian Belge
Right now while you're sat on the loo.
(And note while you're seated
How well the seat's heated
And how ergonomical too.)
--- Peter Wilkins
It might look quite quaint, but it's new see?
I bought it last week,
A converted antique
Mid-Victorian whirlpool jacuzzi.
--- Peter Wilkins
Of onyx, ceramic and jade,
With fitments of gold
I'm reliably told;
Though it seems that they've faded a shade.
--- Peter Wilkins
Its sound-proofed design absorbs echo
Which saves you the blushes
Of multiple flushes
Or screams (if you're bit by a gecko).
--- Peter Wilkins
And ponder the depth of the pile;
It really ain't meant
For the regular gent
Who oft misses by more than a mile.
--- Peter Wilkins
You finished whate'er you begun?
Now flush it and if
There's still rather a whiff
Will you please use this aerosol gun.
--- Anon
You feel you don't want to exist,
Turn inwards your wrath,
Go take a hot bath,
With razor blade slit at your wrist.
--- Anon
She's using the shower as a douche;
Her legs are wide open
For soapin' and gropin'
And moanin' and groanin' and .. whoooshh!!
--- Anon
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