One day on the Emerald Isle, A fifth of Jim Beam and TV, A colleen who loved to be seen A tentacular elder monstrosity The Maid's piercing scream split the air That night one of Jeremy's bugs Then Jeremy pondered his tomes, But the corpse returned from the grave Next day in the house on the hill, Demonstrations by activist trolls You want to be all you can be? A mad scientist lives in Kowloon; I've been building monsters again. In my 'frigerator I forage; The heads are 'cross town in a freezer, Still, no one has bothered the heads; I rent a meat-locker in case The arms, feet, the legs and the hands Well, anyway, one of these days Said an Ogre from old Saratoga, There was a young plebe Miskatonic, There was a Great Old One, Cthulhu, Dr Jekyl announced with great pride There once was a monster named Frank, A naughty young goblin called Goot At a Halloween party in Bight Said Grendel, "Whoever they be, There once was a boy named Andrew; A giant whose last named was Becker Last night I was guest at the Schmidts; A very sad monster named Bob A monster who lived in a Loch There once was a monster named Clark,
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A visitor once to Loch Ness They say there's a thing in Loch Ness, If a big monster loses his head, The terrible Monster of Fleet The Mad Scientist's great masterpiece Mad scientist working away She hustled it back to the table The plumbing she hooks up just right; She glues on the hands, yes, just two. She sews her guy right up the middle; The head is the last thing attached Igor gives the monster a jolt With thunder and lightening and sparks, "Just look at these spots on my skin! The doctor's head shakes with a sigh, Lock this "monster" up with the others. This time I will start with the brain. Our Mad Scientist got from a zoo A problem did then manifest These tough ape-hairs grow mostly between In the dark, Jacob's Ladder does arc; He was HERE, in the rain and the water, What's it goes on four legs at the dawn, There once was a Teacher called Fox, Said a monster who lived in Siberia, I once was afraid of the mummy; Said the Sphinx, "Tell me, sir, if you can, The THING studied liberal arts, There was an old man from Quebec Each argued his case by degrees, A young monster-maker named Frank- There once was a monster named Frank, The Mad Doc, with his wife none the wiser, The Mad Scientist, cheap, I would say,
A leprechaun found me nubile.
When he reached for my fanny,
Said I, very canny,
"Beat it, you old pedophile."
--- Mr Debutts P9708
Then leprechauns gave you VD;
Some drunks, (but no Kings)
With warts on their rings...
It reads like Bill's latest CD.
--- Anon
Sashayed to her mirror to preen.
She let out a cry,
"Dear Jesus, Oh why
Did that leprechaun turn my skin green?"
--- Anon
With poisonous and pungent viscosity,
Ingested a vicar
On his setee of wicker,
While displaying a most rude animosity.
--- Pumilla and Wallace P8211
When they found what was left of his chair.
There were gobbets of ooze
In his clothes, in his shoes,
And puddles all over the stair.
--- Pumilla and Wallace P8211
Tried to give his sister some hugs.
She was drowned in the milk,
All covered in silk,
But was later avenged by her slugs.
--- Pumilla and Wallace P8211
While uttering astounding-type groans.
He was shut fast away
For a night and a day,
And a mysterious man claimed his bones.
--- Pumilla and Wallace P8211
To get the revenge it so craved.
The murderer it slew,
And flushed down the loo,
Although that was simply depraved.
--- Pumilla and Wallace P8211
They found William all stony and still.
On his flesh was inscribed
How and why he had died,
So they stood around reading the Will.
--- Pumilla and Wallace P8211
Involved flooding Newcastle with coals,
Starting nuclear war,
And campaigning for Thor,
Who endorsed their political goals.
--- Melvin B Lewis P8312
If you ask for some help from me,
I'd add on some bits
From my monster kits.
Would you like the result you see?
--- Anon
He assembled a bride for this June,
From dead dogs and dead tarts,
(She has whiskers and farts).
You should hear those two howl at the moon!
--- Allen Wolverton
At last count I've finished ten.
This building's an art.
I don't miss a part
You *know* the ones I make are men!
--- Anon
Ain't nuthin' to eat but some porridge.
Might as well build men;
I'm going to when
I get all the parts out of storage.
--- Anon
That's watched by a little old geezer.
If some lady thief
Tried to give him grief,
The best he could do is yell "Seize her!"
--- Anon
Don't need more of those in their beds.
It's the other bits
That do give me fits;
They can't just be locked up in sheds.
--- Anon
I need to hide bits with no trace.
They look just like sausage
I don't have much lossage,
'Cause nobody steals from that place.
--- Anon
I keep packed in with other glands.
For liver and heart,
The ears and mouthpart
I frequently use the off-brands.
--- Anon
I will give up my slothful ways.
I'll busily build,
You'll all be so thrilled,
To see what I mold from my clays.
--- Anon
"I've tried to de-Ogre by Yoga.
I've stood on my head
All day in my bed,
But the mirror still says I'm an Ogre."
--- Conrad Aiken
Whose story is really ironic.
He read an old book,
And took a good look,
Now he's Cthulhu's high colonic.
--- Bill Tigrak
Who wanted a trendy new hair-do.
Strange eons he spent
With his tendrils all bent --
That he longed for an Afro, well, who knew?
--- Andrew Nellis
That he'd take the whole world for a ride.
He'd created a potion
That stirred up emotion,
And of course he had nothing to Hyde.
--- Neal Wilgus P8409
Who grinned when he saw his new crank.
But he fell from the mood
When it all came unglued,
When he first tried to give it a yank.
--- John Koger
Once went to a pub for a hoot.
The lap dancers show,
Caused a stirring below,
And his table was raised by a foot.
--- Bellal
A man met a guy who was tight.
With a wink, he said, "Mary,
I see you're a fairy,
But I bet you're a goblin tonight."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
My neighbors aren't my cup of tea --
Their parties go on,
With harpsong till dawn,
And what's worse, they never ask me.
--- P9802
He went to the bathroom to poo.
On the way there,
He flew through the air,
'Cause he didn't watch out for the grue!
--- Anon
Had just broken off his big pecker;
But the accident scene
Was made tidy and clean
When they hauled it off using a wrecker.
--- Cap'n Bean P9808
I left there scared out of my wits.
There were hideous shrieks,
Framed pictures of freaks,
And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!"
--- John Miller 0062
Was heard to remark with a sob:
"I'm not tough, only sinuous.
My limbs are continuous --
I'm just a round, jelly-like blob!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Said, "I've suffered a terrible shock.
Some folk by the lake
Have called me a fake,
And my self-esteem's taken a knock."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who scared me each day in the park.
But the park was all right,
I could play there at night,
'Cause Clark was afraid of the dark.
--- Night Lights Fights P9811
Met the Monster, who left him a mess.
They returned his entrails
By the regular mails,
But his sexual parts by express.
--- G2034a
So forgive me now if I digress,
But there's nowt in the Loch
Save some fish, the odd rock,
But the Tourist Board needs the success.
--- Richard Long
Well, it's hardly a thing to dread.
He can have it replaced
And hardly lose face,
And so nothing more need be said.
--- Gunjan Saraf
Had a thousand and sixty-one feet.
But as each chose to pace
To an opposite place,
It could neither advance nor retreat.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Came from parts of his nephew and niece;
With lips of dark purple,
The stench of each burp'll
Give family reunions no peace!
--- Anon
A-building her monster today.
She opened the trunk
And Oh Boy! It stunk!
She cleaned it up in the bidet.
--- Marlene Lewis
To patch up as best she was able.
She stuffed in the guts,
And stitched on some nuts,
Then sewed on a enormous cable.
--- Marlene Lewis
She next tacks the legs on real tight.
The arms she secures
And her monster stirs,
Which gives the poor doctor a fright.
--- Marlene Lewis
(She wants it to look just like you.)
The foot on the left
Is looking bereft,
Till she gets the right on on, too.
--- Marlene Lewis
She stops for a minute to fiddle.
That thing's on the rise,
But that's no surprise.
At least the big monster can diddle.
--- Marlene Lewis
And finally the neck-bolts are latched.
Let's turn on the juice,
And give him a goose!
It's time that this baby was hatched!
--- Marlene Lewis
By hooking up his left neck bolt.
The body jerks once.
Igor, you dunce!
Kick that machine up one more volt!
--- Marlene Lewis
A flash of electricity arcs --
His big screeching cry,
The eternal "Why
Have you left me with all these birth marks?"
--- Marlene Lewis
And stubble all over my chin!
I do need a shave,
I look like a knave!
It detracts from my handsome grin."
--- Marlene Lewis
"I don't ask for too much, do I?
I thought this one was best --
He's just like the rest.
Just why can't I build a tough guy?"
--- Marlene Lewis
Tell him he is visiting brothers.
They'll gossip with glee
Then they will want tea.
I guess that I'll start on another.
--- Marlene Lewis
I'll hook it up with logging chain.
No stitches and glue,
Just wire and a screw.
I'll build something much less urbane.
--- Marlene Lewis
Novel parts for his bride; it is true.
While he stitched in each patch,
He adored her new snatch:
An orangutang's ring-a-dang-doo!
--- Allen Wolverton
On this bride's voluptuous breast.
He got her a razor
With blade like a laser
To shave her grizzly, hairy chest.
--- Michelle
Two big tits from a Hollywood queen;
Overwhelmed with delight,
When he turns off the light,
The Mad Doctor sings "Goodnight Irene!"
--- Allen Wolverton
And thw animal parts howl and bark;
Blue corona does ripple
From each ponderous nipple;
When you touch her, you draw a big spark!
--- Allen Wolverton
But I didn't go boo like I oughter.
I didn't dare roam,
But stayed right at home,
Protecting my wife and my daughter.
--- Anon
Then on two legs, once noontide comes on;
Then ends up on three legs
When the day's in the dregs
And the light of the sun's almost gone?
--- Robin K Willoughby P8508
Who kept a rare thing in a box.
One night, as dawn broke,
The creature awoke
And ran off with his shoes and his socks.
--- Michael Palin
"I really feel very inferior.
With just ten heads," he stated,
"I'm depressed and deflated --
If I'd more, I'd be feeling much cheerier."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
His looks put lumps in my tummy.
I hid under the seat
And it started to reek;
And that's when I ran home to mummy.
--- Joel Duncan
What walks on four legs at dawn's span?
Two legs 'neath noon's sun,
And three when day's done?
Hint: You die if you don't answer, man."
--- Arthur Deex P8508
And broke all the sweet maiden's hearts.
He perused their curriculum
In order to tickle 'em.
And now he's a Bachelor of Parts
--- Jim Jambor P9010
Who had two heads on his neck.
One said to the other,
"Are you me or my brother?
The question has made me a wreck."
--- Edwina Leer
Till the bats formed around their belfries.
"Let's put on the shelf
The question of self,
And just order some take-out Chinese."
--- Tychicus
Enstein, he came up with a prank.
Sew this foreskin, he did
Connect to the eyelid,
So that when it did wink, it did wank!
--- John Bellhouse
Who was made in an old fish tank,
Out of old bits and pieces
Of uncles and nieces,
And blood that came from the bank.
--- Gunjan Saraf
Made a love-hunk designed to surprise her;
He's dank, but well hung;
And speaks with forked tongue;
And the brain's from a White House advisor!
--- Anon
Made his Monster from things stashed away;
The external parts,
Are covered with warts,
And the brain's from an (ugh!) MBA!
--- Anon