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If she was already soaking, Said Paula, "I must pause to piddle!" Have you met my daughter, sir? Knock, knock. "Yes?" "I'm Desperate Dan." She moaned as she rapidly stripped, "For fuck's sake; don't stand there and drool. "You're scared!" "No I'm not; I'm just limp." "You can't be that desperate, Dan." There once was a sailor named Brett, When it comes to male micturate, Ah yes! But when you're a male, You either can't go any more, Seems he'd had a few drinks or more, So he drank down 5 or 6 beers He was close, but it still didn't matter. He had spent all his money before, But it turned out the Judge loved a rhyme, Some folks can get thrilled for hours And should there come lightning a-flash, Mary, who was cute beyond belief, This tale I have told is quite true; Can some local madam or sir But carpel has tunnelled my grasp; I'm bloated but cannot burst free My back teeth are floating away. That gal is one talented lass. A fellow in high society A fellow in high society A fellow in high society A Yank in London needed a loo. The Yank was desperate -- he had to pee. My aunt, may her soul be in heaven, In panic the poor woman fled Now it's certainly not a great sin, So Kevin looked for a good place A tomboy who hiked o'er the land Now, seeing it done with great ease, It is really quite tricky to try, There was a woman from Buffalo So they went on out back of the pub; She managed about three feet high, "Your boy," said a farmer named Joe, Said his friend, "Isn't that rather tame? He answered, "I still don't see, though, (Randolf's book of folklore "Pissing in the Snow")
A certain young woman named Chris, There was a young woman named Chris, In Vegas one day, it was hot; I finished, the thing made a fizz, That practice is nasty and strange, There was a young fellow named Chris, A vain girl, a smart little floozy, When bursting to go in the night, It's a gentleman's duty to do When your arse is all painful and battered, The circus performer, Marie, One may think the accomplishment droll, There once was an orangatan, There was a young fellow named Bill, An inventive young man from Woonsocket The progress of man never ceases! A scattered young fellow named Ray, A flatulent plumber called Hart A tourist at fair Galway Bay, A foolish young anarchist, Tom, His party was robust, I guess; A sailor from near Lake Louise, A cautious young chemist named Mound
Should have made for easy poking.
Did she bend over
The bike that drove 'er,
To take your powerful stroking?
--- Anon
Said Anton, "First answer this riddle:
Why must you girls pee
When clearly you see
That I'm just getting ready to diddle."
--- John Miller
She can't control her water, sir,
And when she laughs, she pees.
Don't make her laugh, please!
Damn, there it goes, down past her knees.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Not as desperate as I am, young man,
For I've not had a screw
Since July '92;
Get yer clothes off as fast as you can."
--- Anon
For with animal lust she was gripped;
But this wasn't the plan
Of young Desperate Dan;
He just stared at her, trousers unzipped.
--- Anon
Can't you tell that I want it, you fool?"
"Yes I see; but my need
Is much greater indeed
Than your desperate need for my tool."
--- Anon
"Limp?", "Yes limp as a shrimp.
And I can't get it up."
"Up?" "Yes up, for a tup,"
"Tup?" "Or fuck." "What a wimp."
--- Anon
"Yes I am; I'm a desperate man,
For I'm bursting to pee
After gallons of tea,
And I'm urgently needing your can."
--- Anon
The best pisser I have seen yet.
He could piss in a jar
From the top gallant spar,
And not get the sails even wet.
--- M Elliot
On girlish nerves it does grate;
The ease of your action
Causes female reaction
Of envy at our cruel fate.
--- Alison Boden
The plumbing is certain to fail,
With age, I'll bet you,
Prostate will get you,
And make for a very sad tale.
--- Chris Papa
Or else it just leaks on the floor,
Or maybe C.A. (cancer)
Will put you away,
So try not to be very sore.
--- Chris Papa
And was bragging of his pissing score.
Four people bet him
That he couldn't wet 'em,
From thirty feet off of the shore.
--- Ericka
And amid the clapping and cheers,
Swam nude, to the mark,
Put his shifter in "park"
And tried to range-find the piers.
--- Ericka
Soon he had emptied his bladder.
"Irish, you goat,
You owe a C-note!"
They cried at his final splatter.
--- Ericka
On booze and cigars and a whore.
So to pay off his debt
To the waiting quartet,
He needed a new way to score.
--- Ericka
So Irish got off with served time.
But the Judge wants a 'limmer'
From the Irish pee swimmer,
Every day now, to pay for his crime.
--- Ericka
With a love-play they call "Golden Showers."
Whick folks? You can tell
By the way that they smell --
Rather more like an outhouse than flowers.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8710
Along with cloudbursts from your gash,
We all could burn
A blast from your stern.
I'd grin as I lick my moustache.
--- H Welchel
While camping, sore needed relief.
Off the trail, she squatted,
And poison oak gotted,
And spent weeks standing in grief!
--- Christopher Anton
Take care where you piss, or you'll rue
The day that you said
"I'll be a bridesmaid,"
And itch at the wedding, till blue!
--- Christopher Anton
Assist me as I take a whirr.
I was trained near Nantucket
To whizz in a bucket,
While standing and combing my fur.
--- Anon
Hands gnarled are unable to clasp.
Mantilla or brush
Through follicular bush,
And trigger my bladder's collapse
--- Anon
With gallons to spray, at least three.
I don't care if you're jerkin'
While boffin my merkin,
Please hurry, I'M ANXIOUS TO PEE!
--- Anon
Had too much tea to drink today.
Can't get to the loo;
Don't know what to do --
Can't walk with my legs crossed this way!
--- Anon
She can type, walk and hold on to her ass.
If you don't want to pee
Don't drink so much tea.
Just eat beans, then you'll only have gas.
--- Anon
Always speaks with great delicacy.
Everyone understands,
Though he says, "Wash my hands,"
He goes to the men's room to pee.
--- Lims for Erudite P0402
Always speaks with great delicacy.
Everyone must suppose
Though he says, "Powder my nose,"
He goes to the men's room to wee.
--- Arthur Deex P0402
Always speaks with great delicacy.
Everyone knows that the schtup
Though he says, "Freshen up,"
He goes to the gent's vis-a-vis.
--- Arthur Deex P0402
None was found. What would the man do?
When a Bobby came by,
He said, "Why don't you try
"This nice lawn -- do what you must do."
--- Anon
He decided, what must be must be.
So on the grass he went,
And to their merriment,
'Twas the lawn of the French Embassy.
--- Anon
On a dirt road one night 'round eleven,
On returning from work,
Was harassed by a jerk,
The village fool called Drunken Kevin.
--- Dirruk
From the drunken bum she had just met,
And the dangers so grave,
To a place she thought safe;
There behind a small hedge near a shed.
--- Dirruk
This is file dtm
When you've had a good time at the inn,
To drain off some water;
A liter and a quarter;
That's common after a gallon of gin.
--- Dirruk
To let go and do it with some grace.
So the hedge was his choice
And my poor auntie Joyce,
Got the ballast all over her face.
--- Dirruk
Once showed me a trick with her hand.
She zipped down her pants,
Adjusted her stance,
And peed out my name in the sand.
--- H Welchel
I seek to teach others this squeeze.
This one-male dominion --
The ladies opinion?
Can any girl piss in the breeze?
--- H Welchel
But if you don't want to pee down your thigh,
Just pee through a straw,
As those males gape in awe,
As you stand with legs opened and dry.
--- Jayne
Who challenged a fellow to show
That he could pee
Much higher than she;
How could the stout fellow say no?
--- Karen
She put puss to the wall and said "Bub,
I'm going first;
I'm about to burst."
Then she proceded to let go a flood.
--- Karen
So the Bub whipped open his fly,
Grabbed hold of this thing,
But the "Lady" did sing:
"The rules are no hands, by the by!"
--- Karen
"Has got to stop seeing my Flo.
My girl was along --
I know I'm not wrong --
Last night when he pissed in the snow."
--- A N Wilkins P8511
Does the boy deserve all that much blame,
If that's all that he's done?"
"It isn't. Your son,"
Replied Joe, "went and spelled out her name."
--- A N Wilkins P8511
Why you've got your dander up so."
"Well, damn it!" he swore,
"I've a right to be sore.
It's in Flo's own handwriting, I know."
--- A N Wilkins P8511
Said, "How odd that young men stand to piss.
After all, it's less taxing,
And much more relaxing,
Just to sit down, as I do, like this."
--- Isaac Asimov
Who said, when she squatted to piss,
"Men aren't too bright,
They do it upright,
When it's simpler to do it like this."
--- Isaac Asimov
I'd drunk rather more than a lot.
I wanted a pee,
But all I could see
To use was a fruit machine slot.
--- Anon
As circuits were shorting: the dis-
Play flickered and clicked
Up 3 lemons, then kicked
Out winnings... a gallon of piss.
--- Anon
And your parts can become disarranged.
If this warning's not ample,
Learn from my example:
Stay out of the ones that make change.
--- Anon
Whose orgasms forced him to piss.
And most girls objected
To having injected
A flood of his piss, 'midst their bliss.
--- L0758
Saw reason for being less choosey.
Said this sensible miss,
"Well, anyway, Chris,
You piss certainly cleans out my coozie."
--- L0759
Or when beer has affected my sight,
Then the first thing I think
Of is using the sink,
For it's such a convenient height.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It in sinks, if his aim isn't true.
For it shows that he cares
For the lady he shares,
By not splashing the seat of the loo.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And the toilet bowl truly is splattered,
Take real good care,
When wiping down there;
Check the paper is not used and tattered!
--- Jayne
Developed a new way to pee.
She would pee thruogh a straw
Into pails on the floor,
And kept both hands totally free.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508
But to keep the small straw in the hole
And to aim the pee
With accuracy,
Requires superb muscle control.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0508
Who would eat nothing else but meringue.
He sat on the floor,
And ate forty-four,
'Till the stupid old monkey went BANG!
--- Anon
Who took an atomic pill.
His navel corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil!
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 L1134
Constructed a new kind of rocket;
He got in the news
When he lighted the fuse
Before it got out of his pocket.
--- Lims Unlimited
According to late news releases,
There's a bomb on the strip
Christened "R.I.P. -- Rip."
"Rest in Peace" has become "Rest in pieces."
--- Laurence Perrine P8406
Exploded at night in Bombay;
His fingers were found
On the roof and the ground,
And his head was a half-mile away.
--- Cap'n Bean P2006
Could not get his blowtorch to start.
So he then struck a match,
Saying, "Now it will catch"--
Thus extinguishing Hart, lamp, and fart.
--- Anon
Made fireworks on a hot summer's day.
He dipped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar,
Now the fish have got fat in the bay!
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Started fooling about with a bomb.
They got most of him up
With a teaspoon and cup,
And the rest with a hairbrush and comb.
--- H G Dixey
The fireworks his guests impressed.
Sparks from the first shot
Exploded the whole lot;
He died quite a booming success.
--- Gerald Bosacker
Was so bitten by chiggers and fleas,
He applied kerosene
And set fire to his skin.
He's now sailing over the trees!
--- Anon
Was surprised (but not hurt) when he found
That A mixed with B
In the presence of C
Made a hole (ringed with dirt) in the ground.
--- Chris Marks
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