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Be careful of what yo desire, The vampire said, "As for the flesh, There once was a vampire named Nick A Lesbian one day was had Count Dracula, lanky and slight, I went to a vampire dinner, "Okay, okay," shrieked the Vampire, Two vampires, one male, one female, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, There once was a slayer named Buffy The creature conceived by Bram Stoker, There was a detective named Tracy, (Cagney and Lacey - lady cop TV series of the 1980's)
Count Dracula, rude scallawag, Vampires are immortal you see, Said a cryptic old vampire named Mattie, Count Dracula knocked, rat-a-tat, An actress who lived in Quebec Said Vic Vampire, "The mortals are cra- My sweet Draculette was no Chaney 'n' Count Dracula had such adventures, Said a vampire named Vladimir Newsome, A nasty old vampire named Dracula, There once was a vampire named Dracula, Count Dracula lived in a castle, Dracula wailed to the sky, The greatest of vampirs, Dracular, Count Dracula said to his pal, A vampire who lives up on Rye In Venice a vampire fed, While wielding with skill his new spatula, All the girls here ain't fragile, I think; Count Dracula was quite jejune. There is a number of vamps, A faggoty vampire has said, The vamp gives the chickens a fright, "Okay! Okay!" shrieked the Vampire, There once was a student named Jon, A most craving vampire's boast He married a sweet young vampire, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, Count Dracula said, with disdain, Although it contains no surprise, This is the terrible plight A vampiress whom I had once laid There once was a vampire goof, A vampire too long in the fang, Said the Count, "I like O, A, and B. He's sneaking through windows at night. When two blood counts got switched, quid pro quo, Instead of accepting senescence There was an old vampire named Thad Mrs Drac shortly after her wedding, A bunny just left, a real cutey! A vampire, who sadly wore braces, Count Dracula was heard to moan, Said famous blood-sucking Count D., A really old vampire named "Tex" That rheumy old digger got off a bus, Though they like iron in what they partake, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, Dracula must suck blood to live. I awake from a terrible dream My first Transylvanic affair, A vampire, who sadly wore braces, "A promising vampire named Bud
And never the undead admire.
With actions hematic,
As well as dramatic,
You regret what you know will transpire.
--- Nicholas Knight
Every now and then I can enmesh
A slick chick--though not often--
Right out of her coffin.
They're better, of course, when they're fresh."
--- A N Wilkins P9010
Who, while spashing about in the creek,
Soaked his master unknowing,
The smiled, quite glowing,
"It's better when you've a wet prick!"
--- Anon
By a vampire, which wasn't so bad.
For the offspring liked blood
Sucked from pussy or pud
And her bite merely tickled a tad.
--- John Miller
And eschewing a heartier bite,
Was growing bulimic
On victims anemic.
He insisted on making it Blood Lite.
--- Anon
And the deal that we made was a winner:
Before they could bite me,
They had to excite me!
I left with my blood awfully thinner.
--- Ellen
When his feet were held to the fire.
We can become bats!
But for bloodsucking rats,
You just seek out any ol' lawyer!
--- Anon
Each evening would each each impale.
While one one would teeth,
The one underneath
Would activate their piece of tail.
--- Irving Superior P9011
Bought large jars of blood in four cases.
"These will do fine
While my fangs re-align,
And I'll not touch my stock of carcasses."
--- FCA T9712
Whose watcher was British and stuffy.
But with his help she did send
Monsters to their end.
They were damn fucking lucky, and huffy..
--- Wolfsbride
Was possessed of a huge mutton poker.
Through the night he would fly,
Find a pussy and try
To hug her and lovingly stoke her.
--- Jim Jambor P9010
Who frequently acted quite spacey.
She met a young stud,
Who drank only blood...
Never happened on Cagney and Lacey.
--- Stephanie Lutz
Remarked to the scrawny old hag,
"I'm off to the village
For carnage and pillage --
And I've no time for chewing the rag."
--- Martin Wellborn P9008a
And just between you and me,
They might exist,
But only in mist,
So you're safe if you climb up a tree.
--- Jo Skinner
"I always try not to be catty,
But I've known old Count Drac,
He's not bad in the sack,
Though inclined to be a bit batty.
--- Ann Gasser P9010a
For his key was not under the mat.
Then he screamed at his wife,
Whom he'd once snatched from life,
"Let me in, then, you silly old bat!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Had many love bites on her neck.
When they asked if she
Dated Christopher Lee,
She said, "It 'twern't Gregory Peck!"
--- Frank
zy. Sleep at night, stay up all day.
And when one of them dies,
Weird mortician guys
Drain all of the good stuff away."
--- Ann Gasser P9010
Her incisors were cute, not that painy 'n'
When through with my neck,
Deep-throated my peck-
Er, while humming a tune Transylvanian.
--- Tutta Gioia
With those maidens he trapped in his wench-lures,
But his neck biting bend-
Ers, came to and end,
As he aged and was fitted with dentures.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"I've a drink that is wonderfully gruesome;
It's concocted with brains,
Mixed with blood and old veins;
If you wait for a minute, I'll brew some."
--- Cap'n Bean P0502
Had habits really spectacula;
He drank by the keg,
But 'twas pure Rh neg
Red blood, to use the vernacula.
--- A P Cox
Whose habits exceeded spectacular.
After he made his kill,
And had drunk up his fill,
He would scrape up the blood with a spatula.
--- Tok Wei Yuan
But he thought it too much of a hassle,
So he moved off to Britain
And promptly was smitten
By a girl who thought him an asstle.
--- Neal Wilgus P8409
"My job really sucks," was his cry.
"Bloody paychecks
And I'm so sick of necks.
What I'd like is a nice apple pie!"
--- Anon
However he died un-spectacular.
I seems that one night
While taking a bite
He missed and he punctured his jackular.
--- Irving Superior P9011
"Say Frank, what you need is a gal,
And I know a young dear
Who's been dead for a year,
So she'll surely improve your morale.
--- Ed Cunningham
Wears clothes patches you wouldn't buy.
There's "Dracula Sucks"
On the back of his tux,
And "Love at First Bite" on his fly.
--- David Miller
On victims from bridge tops he bled,
Then cast in the canal,
To a gondoliers yowl,
"Why do drained Wops now fall on my head?"
--- Bob Giandomenico
Cooking eggs that he labeled "Spectaculah!"
And stifling a yawn,
"I must breakfast by dawn,
And it's pretty near sunup," mourned Dracula.
--- Hugh Clary
I'm convinced that your blood they will drink;
If you take on this bunch,
They'll eat you for lunch;
I'll be pleased, but their farts will sure stink!
--- Anon
He would warble a soprano tune.
And with an empty scrotum
He still could deep-throat 'em,
(And his scrotum resembled a prune)!
--- Jim Jambor P9010
That litter the streets of our camps.
These monsters that bite
In the midst of the night,
Even those who are little old tramps.
--- John Makin
This is file dtl
"I rather enjoy giving head.
I don't care for blood,
But give me a stud,
And gladly I'll suck him, instead."
--- Anon
When they see him, they always take flight.
But there's one that he catches,
Whose jewelry he snatches,
And he flies with his capon all night.
--- Anon
When his feet were held to the fire.
"I can turn into a bat!
But for a bloodsucking rat,
You have to seek out any lawyer."
--- Marlene Lewis
About Vampires he went on and on.
"Vampires," he said,
Really ought to be dead.
Garlic ice cream will soon get them gone!"
--- Jo Skinner
Was six pints of blood more than most.
When she came to this globe;
And she found one to probe--
He escaped, just by laying the ghost.
--- Bill backe-Hansen P9010
An insect-consuming nightflier.
He hated her cave,
But remained her love-slave;
(Guano prices kept on going higher.)
--- Jim Jambor P9010
Had a dentist, who said, "This replaces
Those teeth, badly angled,
With a set of new-fangled,
And you'll get entry in all the right places.
--- FCA T9712
Tried to keep rein on his chases.
With wily persistence
For dental assistants,
He left most unusual traces!
--- Dbutt T9710
Took temporary employment at Macy's.
His ambition's to work
As an IRS clerk --
His bloodsucking background, the basis.
--- FCA T9712
"Your stories do not entertain.
Since I don't have all night,
Do you think that you might
Tell one more in a jugular vein?"
--- Pierce Evans
The vampire's account verifies
That he gained his technique
As a medic the week
He drew blood in the war from GIs.
--- A N Wilkins P9010
Of our friend, Nicholas Knight.
Since being a vampire,
His life has been dire,
So don't get too close, he may bite.
--- Nicholas Knight
Did ply a most dubious trade.
She left it a-stewin'
In her menstrual doin',
Then sucked on the pork marinade.
--- Jester Jon
Who preyed from an old tavern's roof.
Every night a taste test,
And the one he liked best,
Was usually about 80 proof!
--- Ralph TP9804
His tongue had a definite twang.
"Yee Haw!" he yells;
"I like southern belles,
'Cause rednecks are always my thang."
--- Bonnie
I don't care if you've got HIV.
I'll just give you a bite
In the neck, in the night,
Then you'll be a vampire like me.'
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He's looking for ripe necks to bite.
He craves type AB;
He'll not get it from me;
I'm positive my O is light.
--- Marlene Lewis
By the labs for a new HMO,
An anaemic old man
Got a very high scan,
And a vampire's was shockingly low!
--- Prof M-G TP9901
The count drank the blood of the peasants.
He didn't get younger
But staved off his hunger
And made his old age much more pleasant.
--- Gary Hallock
Whom Buffy thought wasn't half bad.
She said "He's perverse,
But biting is worse,
And better, I don't need a pad."
--- Anon
Was forced to wash all of her bedding.
Seems she'd been a virgin
And Drac was no surgeon,
So there'd been a bit of blood letting.
--- Anon
Now another thing comes seeking booty;
Red fire in its eyes...
Dripping fangs of great size...
Quick, Igor! A stake! Do your duty!
--- John Miller 0136
Was one of those rare dental cases;
Had two shillings, a dime,
Three pence, a centime,
And some crowns just to fill all the spaces.
--- Rick Limer T9712
"I guess that I should have known...
I sucked all night in vain,
On Mick Jagger's vein,
But you just can't get blood from a Stone!"
--- Tim Raptor
"Here's something encouraging me.
Life's one piece of cake
Where I've a big stake.
But hope it has no stake in me."
--- Armand E Singer 638
Is "out for blood" and I suspects
He's not a nice guy.
If he catches your eye,
It's you who will likely be necks.
--- Anon
Dropped him right near a sarcophagus...
He opened it wheezing,
Then gasped after sneezing,
When two vampires cried, "Don't you cough at us!"
--- Tutta Gioia
One aversion they never can shake.
Of course they like meat
Whenever they eat
But your vampire will steer clear of steak.
--- A N Wilkins P9010
To his sister cried, "Life has no basis!
When on an assignment,
I'm out of alignment,
With not just my teeth, 'cause I'm gay, Sis!"
--- H Myers T9801
Fortunately, virgins have much to give!
He cuts through the tripe,
Asks if they match his type,
And they respond with, "O Positive!"
--- Anon
To a hideous, blood-curdling scream.
My God! What was that?
"It vos only a bat,"
Says Count Dracula, canines agleam.
--- Rory Ewins
Though legends had told me, "Beware."
She bit on my neck,
So I, "What the heck,
As long as she bites only there."
--- Irving Superior P9407
Had teeth so crooked in places,
To his dentist he spake,
"I want to go straight!
My fangs catch my victim's necklaces!"
--- FCA T9712
Surprisingly turned out a dud,"
A colleague observed.
"The youngster, unnerved,
Passed out at the first sight of blood."
--- A N Wilkins P9010
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