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So this warlock, one Henry by name, A Dianic group in St Croix This coven that hated men's sass The coven had heard Henry sing A mighty cone then they did raise; And then the fairies did come. Now the Gardnerians out in Peru Old Crowley alone in his grave The Gaia, the quarreling awoke. So together as one, they all came There once was a coven of nine This coven, not know for their brain, They visited Nepal and Tibet, From witchcraft I now have retired; Of course, I have friends in the trade, The stories of witches abound; One other such witch was old Liddy, Now those in the know all maintain, To rid witch Kate Hunt from the town Next morning some fellows, the bolder Now you may think this is all baloney, We've got such a witch down our street, By morning the plate is cleaned flat; I'll tell you of Mary McPherson, The spell, it was hard to concoct, This week I'll be an ugly crone, For work we will put on a show, May I suggest eye of the newt, I'm checking my pantry right now. My favorite recipe in the book My birth on the twenty-third Dec., I have this particular itch; If she's got an itch in her snatch, His witch of a wife, I assume, Those wizards have tall pointy hats The wizard hats ain't what they seem; They're all weather wear, those hats too, My aunt when she was young, It sure made the IRS sore, I went out to eat at McDonald's "If the new regulations prevail There was a tobacconist named Dinah You don't have to be a detective Its nature is hard to define. An obstinate smoker named Bart Said the son of a preacher, young Brad, "What we need," said a non-smoker wise, One jury has made it a rule, There were noises of choking and croaking. The heavy pipesmoker MacBeth I like smoked fish and relish There once was a fellow named Stash, An old heavy smoker named Clyde A man to whom warnings were sung A merry soul was Nat King Cole; Said inveterate smoker, old Flash, There once was a man from Milan There once was a lady from Perth, From the time he was first on the shelf, One of those indestructible folk, To the sickly young smoker Larocque, At the end of each bronchial tree, "Where there's smoke, there is usually a fire, There once was an old Aussie bloke It comes from the Sioux, TOBACCOUGH. Gasped the girl as she lighted a fag, Lighting up, the girl started to cough.
Felt solitaire his type of game.
He leapt and he sprung;
To songs he gave tongue,
And the view from the rear brought him fame.
--- Liath MacTyre
Believed men were no source of joy,
So the God in the fall
Was not there at all,
But was played by a Lesbian named Roy.
--- Liath MacTyre
Were trancing while out in the grass.
The power they raised
Let them see a long ways,
And they spotted the young Henry's ass.
--- Liath MacTyre
And the thirteen had seen his tush swing.
It gave them pause,
And sufficient cause
To re-enact the rite of Corn King.
--- Liath MacTyre
Young Henry was caught in a daze.
His ritual left him;
His reason bereft him,
Amid powerful visions of maize.
--- Liath MacTyre
No voices -- alas they were dumb.
They too, on a quest
For a Pan who would jest.
Then lo, they spied Henry's bum.
--- Liath MacTyre
Cried, "Forsooth, this will never do,
For he practises bare,
With nary a care.
He therefore belongs to us too.
--- Liath MacTyre
Turned over and started to rave.
"What's this come to pass?
You're playing grab ass
And starting to practice deprave.
--- Liath MacTyre
"What's this going on with my folk?"
Three covens and a mage
Want bum center stage.
Have you garnered consensus from the bloke?
--- Liath MacTyre
To celebrate Life and the Name
Of Goddess and God,
Nuts, sweet fruit, and pod,
But Henry went home just the same.
--- Liath MacTyre
Who spent a whole night in a pine.
They fell into trances
While sitting on branches
And sipping some mulberry wine.
--- Liath MacTyre
Forgot to come out of the rain.
And all through the night,
Their spirits took flight,
While humming a Starhawk refrain.
--- Liath MacTyre
The wisdom of the Lama to get.
But the Dali was away
To speak in Bombay,
So they spake at length to his pet.
--- Liath MacTyre
My license for magic expired.
Can't afford to renew
Till two thousand and two;
I have fired the coven I hired!
--- Jean Fox
So if there's a spell I need made,
Someone will be willing
For one silver shilling,
To rush to my side with her aid!
--- Jean Fox
There's plenty 'round her to be found.
Like our own Mary Dore,
Whom I'd love to know more,
Who could turn into owl, cat, or hound.
--- Tiddy Ogg
From out in the Wallops, this biddy
Was shot, as a hare,
Escaped, then spied there
Plucking shot from her shoulder, poor Liddy.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With silver, a witch may be slain.
Load gun with such bullet,
Grasp trigger and pull it,
And she'll not be seen e'er again.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Of Cuthridge, they sliced a half-crown;
In firearm 'twas loaded
And duly exploded;
A white hare was thereby brought down.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And younger, though warned by those older,
Crept 'round to Kate's house.
As hushed as a mouse.
She'd died from a wound in her shoulder.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That witches can't turn into coneys.
But all this is true;
I'll prove it to you,
That all that above isn't phoney.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And I'd rather keep the crone sweet,
To give me her bless-
Ing, and not cause distress,
So I leave her out something to eat.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So what do you say about that?
And oft, down the drive
I've seen her arrive,
Disguised as a fox or a cat.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A sorcerer once put a curse on.
She wanders the globe
Taking any man's probe;
Of curses there must be a worse 'un.
--- Anon
For her chastity belt, it was locked.
With a wave of his wand
Release her from her bond,
And now Mary is truely well cocked!
--- Anon
In the St. Louis central time zone.
They picked the right bitch,
To play The Wicked Witch,
My talents for this are well known.
--- Anon
So off to St. Louis we'll go.
I'll fly on my broom,
To bring Dorothy gloom;
I'm quite good at this, don't you know.
--- Anon
Toad warts and dried mandrake root,
The piss of a lizard,
Some fresh dragon gizzard,
Stirred in a stinky old boot?
--- Karen
I'm curious, please tell me how
You get fresh gizzard?
Mine's from a wizard
Who only sells dried anyhow.
--- Marlene
Requires a featherless rook,
Boiled with two frogs,
And three skinned groundhogs.
It's written in gobbledygook.
--- Marlene
(Right next to the summer solstice)
It made me a druid,
The Earth needs its fluid --
Poured wines a oblation, not mess.
--- Archie
My wife, she is such a witch
And oh, what a hoot!
She might have to toot.
She's developing some type of twitch!
--- CT
I'm sure you can come up to scratch.
And if that doesn't do,
I'm sorry but you
And she both, must have lice in the thatch.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file dpl
Is twitching because her own groom
Can't scratch his own itch,
While she's found her niche
And is riding a long-handled broom.
--- Travis Brasell
To prevent landings by flying bats,
On top of their head
While sitting in bed,
And thereby frightening their cats.
--- Tony Burrell
Why, out of the top shoots a beam
Of miss tickle might.
They wiggle just right,
Bringing fuition to a gal's dream!
--- Cyber Wizard
Expanding the envelope two.
They're Kevlar, Thinsulate,
And a fine copper grate,
Amplifying brain waves we want to.
--- Cyber Wizard
Took up smoking for fun.
Now her hacking and wheezing
Are very displeasing.
Why she occasionally brings up a lung!
--- Magunda
When he said, "I will pay you no more!
I've paid to the max
in tobacco tax --
You can audit my humidor."
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
'Cause I always thought that old Ronald (that bloke!)
Would surely protect me
And never neglect me
By making me breathe his McSmoke.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In Federal Buildings," said Gale,
"They may still permit folks
Who want to, to smoke
As long as they do not exhale."
--- A N Wilkins P8607
Who opened her store for a mynah.
"Want cigarettes!" said the bird.
"But haven't you heard?
It's illegal to sell to a mynah."
--- Henry Mucha
To know cigarettes are defective.
But smokers ill health
Brought Tobacco such wealth,
It took years for a jury's directive.
--- Prof M-G
Its effects are both good and malign.
It can kill living men,
But when smoking again
Is a thing which can cure slaughtered swine.
--- A N Wilkins P8808
Would smoke till it troubled his heart.
He said, in a huff,
As he took his last puff,
"I will smoke until death do us part."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2435
"If the Lord God made everything, dad,
And as I've understood,
Pronounced everything good,
Just how, then, can smoking be bad?"
--- A N Wilkins P8808
"Is to give men who puff, a surprise.
We must give them a smoke,
So they'll gag and they'll choke,
And they'll drop dead around us like flies."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2932
Which the plaintiff's attorneys term cruel
And extremely provoking;
If you kill yourself smoking,
You're just eighty percent of a fool.
--- A N Wilkins P8808
It wasn't a subject for joking.
Men looked with despair
Through the poisonous air,
When they saw Mt. Vesuvius smoking.
--- Laurence Perrine P8808
Was wheezing to draw one more breath.
But no air could he get,
And the fate that he met,
Was far worse than the fate worse than death.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2680
Gefilte fish with horseradish.
But now that smoking can
Be hazardous to Man,
I prefer ge-filtered fish.
--- Irving Superior P8808
Who rather enjoyed smoking hash.
He smoked it in bed,
So they found him dead
In a scatter of cinders and ash!
--- Emmanuel Lamprecht
Who in pipes and cigars took great pride,
Took a trip to Gruyere
To smell Swiss mountain air --
He inhaled a deep breath and he died.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2504
Of the horrors of cigarette lung,
Coughed all in vain
'Til he ruptured his brain,
With a fag 'tween his lip and his tongue.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
He smoked those Camels, without a bowl.
He coughed and he choked
Till he finally croaked,
When he smoked himself into a hole.
--- JJones
"For these butts I spend plenty of cash.
If this seems bad to you,
You know what you can do--
By which I mean--just kiss my ash."
--- Russ Burton P9202
Who hatched a malevolent plan.
He'd grow cheap tobacco
And lace it with crack. Oh
I fear it would never be banned.
--- Daniel Martin
Who knew what her two lungs were worth.
It'd always provoke her
Whenever a smoker
Lit up and polluted the earth.
--- Daniel Martin
We'd warned the old codger from Elf.
"You're a damned fool," we said,
"For smoking in bed,"
Till the guy made an ash of himself.
--- A N Wilkins P8808
As macho as any cowpoke,
As hard as a boulder,
Who never get older,
For the Marlboro man doesn't smoke.
--- A N Wilkins P8808
The doctor some bad news had broke.
"Although you're very young,
We must take out your lung."
Said Larocque, "Do you mind if smoke?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2658
Are some sacs called alveoli;
And it isn't a joke
When they're fill up with smoke.
No sir! 'Tis just misery.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
But there's none," she complained, "in Jack Meyer.
He smokes and he smokes
And he makes little jokes,
But he never shows sexual desire!"
--- Laurence Perrine P880
Who poisoned the air with blue smoke.
But smoking's not bad
Compared to the fad
We Yanks have of snorting our coke.
--- Harry Rubin P9202
The Sioux would TOBAC and then COUGH.
And/or they would plug
TOBACCO then UGH,
While warning papoose to back off.
--- Irving Superior P9202
"I really must have a quick drag".
Her boyfriend said: "Dear,
We can't marry, I fear.
You'll soon be a stinking old hag."
--- S Collins-Teacher10/12/71
Her boyfriend exclaimed: "I'm off.
What, marry a wife
Who does that all her life?
"I'll look somewhere else: that's enough".
--- S Rushton-Teacher10/12/71
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