MORE
That wily old pervert, St. Nick, A traveling salesman named Lear With the help of his eight reindeer, 'Twas the night before Christmas, good cheer When Santa Claus got to her tree, The weather, by jayzus, does fright me; On the night that I saw Santa Claus, When Santa gets bored in his grotto, A hot little lady, Marie, On a frosty Christmas morn, 'Twas late in the month of December -- Now a blow job for him I'd let pass She must have been good in bed, Forthcoming is a strange Christmas tale On a night when the beer was for free, She's now suing for unlawful entry; He hit on a new line of work; Suddenly Santa took moment to pause, Those last limericks were in fact mine; Think of all the fun that I've missed, Oh Goodness, you've missed the true gist. I know I'm not top of your list, On the day before Christmas Day, Santa said, "The elves are all fired. It soon will be time for that bloke; Yes, soon on that sleigh he will sling "Is Santa Claus coming our way, He should have known better, that goof! Last year we all had a fright; The silly old muddled-head dear, He shouted, "I'm no jolly elf! Don't want milk or a fancy sweet snack. I'm so tired of wearing this suit. By the way, Merry Christmas, I guess. Reindeer sometimes create yellow snow, Did you know, deer break wind as they fly? Another Christmas is now in the books, I worked late just the night before, The pile of busted up toys, But the asshole went back to the Pole; This story has grown to be stale; Santa has landed with sleigh With much barking and nipping at heels, When Santa dropped down in a puff, Mrs Claus, who was out in the yard For the old man the day began wrong: "Ho-ho little rascals ho-ho, Now this, of course, is a false start, And when you start from the north pole For all of us, sleighs have their charm, Well, it's plain for us to see why Poor Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer Hey, Santa babe, come over here! Come here and hop on Santa's lap; Well, 'tis the season to stroke Santa's bells, Like a master, he hits every house In the village of Cookham today, At 3am kids woke from sleep. That damned turkey tastes bloody foul, Your head's splitting from that cheap booze, Those Cookham townsfolk aren't deluded, You'll call me a scrooge 'cos I'm slatin' That turkey, plum pudding and jelly Today I shall have me a rest; Wallet takes the usual whopping. Eat, drink, be merry! (A song?)
Made good use of the curve in his dick.
He glazed the whole shaft,
Painted stripes, then he laughed,
As he offered young ladies a lick.
--- Derek
Was telling the boys over beer,
"The whores in Atlanta
Have nicknamed me Santa,
Because I just come once a year."
--- David Miller
Santa brings loads of good cheer.
But he's often most glum;
He can only come
But once in any given year.
--- Al Lichtman
Prevailed 'til, exposing my rear
In a good-natured moon,
I was buggered (and soon)
By St Nick and eight tiny reindeer!
--- John Miller
In the nude, slightly stewed, stood Marie.
Santa said, "Well my dear
I just come once a year...
And THIS ain't the night for it for me!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 2
I'm off to find someone to ride me.
I'm giggling. It's snowing.
Old Santa's ho-ho'ing,
And I've got fresh snowballs inside me
--- Anon
He was taking off my mother's drawers.
He was quiet as a mouse,
And when he left the house,
The car that he drove wasn't Pa's.
--- Al Willis
He doesn't play bingo or lotto.
He sits on a shelf,
And toys with an elf.
"Sod this for a lark!" is his motto.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Made Santa as glad as can be,
When she whipped off his suit
Screaming "My, you look cute!"
And she humped him right under the tree.
--- Cap'n Bean P0312
Santa arrived with a horn.
He said, "Bend over, please,
Go down on your knees.
I must park my cock somewhere warm."
--- Anon
Christmas Eve, I'll always remember.
How I walked in the house
Quiet as a mouse,
Caught my wife sucking on Santa's member.
--- Anon
But that wasn't all...No, alas!
From our bed to the loo
There existed a queue,
Of reindeer, to fuck my wife's ass!
--- Anon
Reindeer style and giving head.
Forget what they tell;
The truth you know well;
Rudolph came and his nose turned red.
--- Anon
About Santa who wound up in jail.
The problem you see,
As plain as can be,
Was his penchant for Wee Amber Ale.
--- Sandman
He came home as drunk as could be.
And the silly old codger
Wound the clock with his todger,
And diddled his wife with the key!
--- Sandman
Her home now is guarded by sentry.
Not welcome at home,
So now he does roam,
No longer a popular old gentry.
--- Sandman
With a dentist he happened to lurk.
But with increasing depravity
He'd fill the wrong cavity;
Now all think that Santa's a jerk.
--- Sandman
As James Dean waltzed in through the doors.
He arrested him quick
It's the end of St. Nick,
Now we've a rebel...without a Claus.
--- Sandman
Sandman hopes you thought they were fine.
My life is a rhyme,
Yet strangely sublime.
I'll make sure I sign each line that's mine!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And all of the guys I've not kissed.
I've been awful good
And I think you should
Bring me all the things on my list.
--- Carol
All good girls just love to get kissed.
A truly good girl
Gives each bloke a whirl --
A great girl will lend them her fist!
--- Brian Belge
But I hope that I haven't been missed.
And if I'm transported
Or part teleported,
I'll welcome a Christmassy tryst.
--- Archie
A runner fell off of the sleigh.
Rudolph fell on his ass;
Santa ran out of gas;
The elves went on strike for more pay.
--- Tony Burrell
Rudolf is old and he's tired.
I can't afford gas
And although it sounds crass,
Tell kids "Forget it, I've retired."
--- Tony Burrell
White whiskered, and scarlet-hued cloak.
Or so it appears
These last seventy years
In corporate colors of Coke.
--- Tiddy Ogg
His goodies and parcels to bring.
His reindeer will fly
Through the snow-laden sky,
As down every chimney he'll swing.
--- G Watson
With his jingle bells, reindeer and sleigh?"
"Don't be silly! It's Dad
In disguise! Ain't he sad!
And he's drunk too much whisky today."
--- Peter Wilkins
That whisky, it was ninety-proof.
He tried to kiss Rudolph,
Who told him to screw off.
Then Santa fell off of the roof!
--- Kaylin
Saint Nick was, I fear, a bit tight.
He cursed and he grumbled,
With his fly he fumbled,
Then pissed on the fireplace light.
--- Frank
Got drunk on a six-pack of beer.
He puked in the night
And gave me a fright,
Then he tried to hump all eight reindeer.
--- Arden
Hell, I don't even smile at myself;
And I've got a bad back,
Just from lugging that sack.
Ouch! I just hit my head on a shelf."
--- Kent B Hale P9612
All that stuff could cause a heart atack.
I'll be perfectly clear,
Give me pretzels and beer,
And just maybe next year, I'll be back.
--- Kent B Hale P9612
Makes me look like a jolly fat fruit.
I want T-shirts and jeans
Or some nice L.L.Beans,
Casual style while delivering the loot.
--- Kent B Hale P9612
This is file dmm
Now I've got my complaints off my chest.
I like turkey and stuff,
Seems I can't get enough,
But I clearly like deer steaks the best!
--- Kent B Hale P9612
And/or rain when they are on the go;
Said Santa, "My deer,
So it would appear,
Are just guilty of going with the flow."
--- Kent B Hale P9612
Enough gas to light up the sky.
The air is so ripe
I can't light up my pipe.
It's enough to make old Santa Cry.
--- Kent B Hale P9612 a
And I'm just as tired as it looks.
Kiddies had me up early,
Which left me a bit surly;
Damn Santa and those retailing crooks!
--- Faerie
When I got home, I locked the damn door.
The sumbitch got in,
Still can't figure out when,
All I know is he did, now I'm poor.
--- Faerie
That was wrought by my girl and the boys,
I'd sure like to stick
Up his ass, the big prick.
It would be one of my greatest joys.
--- Faerie
Fifty-one weeks a year...On the dole!
He fucks with his missus,
Hope it burns when he pisses,
'Cause she was out screwing some troll.
--- Faerie
I'll relax with a nice big cocktail.
Be glad when it's done,
And thank Heaven for one
Nice gift. I'm too broke to make bail.
--- Faerie
Right on my lawn during day.
The harness ondo,
Now the deer are askew;
Now my dog has entered the fray!
--- Azul
He rounded them up and did reel
Back to the harness knot,
Fixed on the spot,
And away they went in that sleigh mobile.
--- Azul
Young Katie lay there in the buff.
But before he was socking
His gift in her stocking,
He heard a loud voice say, "Enough!"
--- Anon
Had noticed his johnson get hard.
Where a line she'd attached,
So from bliss he was snatched,
And hoisted by his own petard.
--- Anon
It had all to do with his dong.
Mrs. Claus had been naggin'
'Bout hubby's habit for shaggin'
Young birds, so hence his raucous song:
--- Anon
Tonight Santa starts his fake show.
You'll believe every bit
'Cause you are just dumb shit,
And you lack the I.Q. to know!"
--- Anon
But life on the old chap is hard.
He shows signs of demention
In spite of intention;
This year he plays the wrong card.
--- Anon
To this latitude, it's a long haul.
It's especialy hard
For a crappy old fart
Who's for most of the year on the dole.
--- Anon
And a ride won't do you any harm.
But for Santa up high
In a dark freezing sky,
It's darn difficult to keep his balls warm.
--- Anon
On this dreadful trip, our Santa guy
Wasn't up to the task,
And he groped for the flask.
From his icicled beard came this outcry:
--- Anon
Had a little bit too much beer;
Kept his nose right bright
Throughout the whole night,
But could not guide the sleigh this year.
--- Anon
I have been a good girl all year.
I can't wait to see
What you can show me,
In your line of holiday cheer.
--- Anon
Oops something's popped up by your gap.
It's a brand new toy
For you to enjoy;
Hope you don't mind there is no gift wrap.
--- Anon
As his sack full of toys fills and swells.
His sleigh is now stiff,
His delivery swift,
Like a Gatling gun, spraying out shells.
--- Anon
In and out, quiet as a mouse.
To be nice is the goal,
So as not to get coal;
So be nice, now, and take off your blouse.
--- Anon
The fellows put on an old play,
Where they kill Santa Claus,
For being the cause,
Of the misery they had yesterday.
--- Anon
To go shut them up, out you'd creep.
One new toy's right there,
At the top of the stair...
You trip, fall the flight in a heap.
--- Anon
You try, but you can't hide that scowl,
It's tough as a brick;
Now young June's being sick,
And Jim's lost control of his bowels.
--- Anon
The Christmas tree lights bblown a fuse,
And now as you put
Into it your foot...
Yes the cat has gone shat in your shoes.
--- Anon
It's Old Nick, not Saint nickie who did
Print in small type
The cause of one gripe:
That batteries are not included.
--- Anon
This festival, but I'm just waitin'
For some clever man ta
Discover that Santa
Is anagrammatically Satan.
--- Anon
Has vastly expanded my belly.
Like Buddha I sit;
Indigestion has hit
And my farts are exceedingly smelly.
--- Anon
Let the turkey and whisky digest.
I suppose I should take
A brisk walk by the lake
But, oh sod it, I'll stay here half-dressed.
--- Anon
Its race place to place without stopping.
I love Christmas season,
For many a reason.
But damn, how I loathe all the shopping.
--- Anon
Fuel body and soul to stay strong
Take a good crap;
Have a nice nap;
I doubt you'll be half dressed for long.
--- Anon
MORE