MORE
Have you ever gone out to dine, There was a young lady named Grace A girlie who puffs on a fag Said a non-smoking maiden, Miss Smart, I once met a man on his horse, There was an old smoker named Clyde A red-necked RAPSCALLION I knew, If family and friends try to bar Said the chemist, "I'm now at the brink Smoking is so foul and so smelly, "Do you mind if I smoke?" queried Bart, Truly, ciggies smell no worse than fartin' On a date with a girl, Mr. Barr Well you've said it; don't you feel proud? My pipe ashes stay right in the bowl Well said, Saint, I'm on your side; Soon we will be locked away This smoking's for others, not me. I clean it with my water pick James I, as the annals report, A pipe-smoking man of Cologne There was an old smoker named Burse; There was a young lady named Jill Old smokers, as they turn gray, A nerd who would puff a cigar There was a pipe smoker named Seth There once was a fellow named John Tobacco execs ain't too couth. At sex, Jackson wasn't a star, In the throes of his bachelor despair, I never do smoke while asleep. There was a young lady named Knight; While screwing her boyfriend, Miss Lutz If cigars are an oral fixation, There was a young lady named Barr There was a pipe smoker named Flock, Despite matrimonial pledges, There was a young lady from Dereham Please consider this as no joke: The Duke U. entomology chief, There was an old smoker named Fred The smokers with tongues acrobatic, The passengers find it provoking For years a young man named McGraw Said John Locke, "On one thing I agree It's a case that is open and shut. A pipe smoker name of McClure A kinky young lady named Jackie There's a major league shortstop named Bud There once was a young man from Hoboken So the man from New Jersey cut down, A thoughtless young fellow named Kress A boy, crouched behind his school bag, While eating his dinner, young Welch Though indoor cigars are appealing, My tobacconist, a girl named Genie, I was dared by my old buddy, Nash, My smoking had raised an objection While this seemed a magnificent bluff, I knew 'twas the start of the end -- In a month she walked out of Nate's door; She finally found a lover, they say, So if your gal now starts a-whining, While she smoked, she noticed his glare There was an old smoker named Jack, Their sex life is really a joke;
At a place so expensive and fine,
But along with your food
Came a plume rank and rude,
To "savor" along with the wine.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who put her young beau in his place.
For she said to him, "Dear,
If you smoke, don't come near,
For I'm apt to barf full in your face."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2600
Will soon get to look like a hag.
For she can't erase
The lines on her face.
Her breath even makes people gag.
--- Julia Strawn P8808
To her cud-chewing boy-friend, "Sweetheart,
Your lungs may be clear
But I desperately fear
Catching cancer from smelling your fart."
--- Russ Burton P9202
Who smelled like a smoker, of course.
Thanks to Camels or Kent
Or to Marlboro, he went
Of to hack and to cough with great force.
--- Daniel Martin
Whose lungs were all rotten inside.
He was saved by Doc Schink
But he had such a stink
That the doctor got sick and he died.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2503
Would foul plugs of tobacco chew.
He left a trail brown
All over the town;
Of hygiene, he hadn't a clue.
--- Chris Papa
Smoking in the house or the car,
Some limburger left out
Will make them all shout,
"Please, will you light that cigar?"
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
Of creating a stench that I think
Suits a man in a car
Who smokes pipe or cigar,
And who wishes to live in a stink.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2474
It makes me feel sick to my belly.
Those small whirls of smoke,
They only evoke
The scent of a putrid old welly.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Of his bedmate, Miss Lilly Rhinehart,
"Go ahead, if you must,
Lilly said, with disgust,
"And tell me, do you mind if I fart?"
--- Anon
So this wisecrack is surely a smart 'un.
And the source, I recall
Is the disc "Let's Get Small"
By the wild, crazy guy named Steve Martin.
--- Anon
Lit up a cigar in the car.
But his girl friend, Miss Grace,
She pissed full in his face,
And she put out the stinking cigar.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2432
And I'm sure all the smokers are cowed.
But what makes me swear
When I'm in open air,
I still get more shit from your crowd.
--- Saint
Except for an occasional coal.
If the smell of the pipe
Is what makes you gripe,
Well, fuck you, both body and soul.
--- Saint
I am done with trying to hide
My habits from mother,
And now every other
Nebish buttinski will chide.
--- Karen
Or taxed out the nose just to pay
For teenagers, you
As parents might do
Better to keep out of my way.
--- Karen
I've this plastic septum, you see.
Smoke creates a coat
In my nose and my throat,
Though I try to keep it low key.
--- Marlene Lewis
And this special form built nose stick.
This really ain't fun;
It makes my nose run.
The thought of smoke just makes me sick!
--- Marlene Lewis
Outlawed use of tobacco at court.
For that sodomite said
Taking young men to bed
With smoker's breath ruined his sport.
--- A N Wilkins P8808
Had lived his whole life all alone.
For so raunchy he smelled
That all men were repelled,
And he smelled when he called on the phone.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2509
His smell all his friends did accurse.
He gave up cigarettes
Which no person regrets,
But he started cigars and smelled worse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2484
Whose husband smoked so much until
Like some garbage he stunk,
But this lady had spunk,
For she practiced by sleeping with swill.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2632
Appear to mere mortal clay.
But as wives testify,
They do not ever die,
They just, most of the time, smell that way.
--- A N Wilkins P9202
Had better stay out of my car,
My bed, and my house.
All smoke I will douse.
Tobaccophiles give me catarrah.
--- Julia Strawn P8808
Who said, "I am all out of breath!"
But his breath was so tainted
That ten people fainted,
For his breath had a smell worse than death.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2789
Who smelled like a smoke marathon.
He said, "Baby, let's wrestle!"
She said, "Jump off a trestle!
I don't eat where it smells like I've 'gone'!"
--- Taiwan John
They juggle a bit with the truth.
They have downsized their mammal
(I refer to Joe Camel)
'Cause their ads were all aimed at the youth.
--- Al Willis P9709
For while screwing, he'd smoke a cigar.
And on top of the stench,
He annoy his poor wench
By strumming an ill-tuned guitar.
--- Isaac Asimov
Bobby Holstein would sit in a chair,
Smoke his stogies and mope,
Think himself beyond Hope --
But she didn't, and now they're a pair!
--- Anon
The thought makes my flesh really creep.
While awake, I never
Abstain whatsoever;
My ashtrays are ten inches deep.
--- Al Willis P9708
The mess that she smoked was a fright.
Her new born had innate
Compulsion so great,
On emerging, he asked for a light.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2648
Said, "Smoking while screwing takes guts.
I don't mind you smoking
While diddling and poking,
But don't use my asshole for butts.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2173
This is file dml
A substitute for masturbation,
Then a chain smoking Freud
Was trying to avoid
A strong need for self-stimulation.
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
Who carried her smoking too far.
Her dilemma she cursed
For while baby she nursed,
He blew rings with a stinking cigar.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2431
Who puffed on his pipe 'round the clock.
Though his girl friend did miss him
Yet she hated to kiss him;
She would much rather suck on his cock.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1261
The bride almost always on edge is.
"He watches TV,
Or he gardens," says she.
"His real loves are Benson and Hedges."
--- Maureen Stevens P8410A
The boys wouldn't let her go near 'em.
She said "Have I B.O.?"
They said "Dear me No!
It's your fags luv, you know we can't bear 'em."
--- Margaret Clarke
Simple things hold great value for folk.
The umbrella, raincoat
Were made for those who dote
Upon going outside for a smoke.
--- L C Fitzhugh P0112
Aired for farmers a news-breaking brief,
That new bugs on their crop,
Chewed tobacco nonstop,
And with that gave them new lice on leaf.
--- Bob Giandomenico P2006
Who smoked in his bed while he read.
And he burned down his house,
Lost his kids and his spouse,
While his corpse smoked away on the bed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2578
On their right to smoke are dogmatic.
For tobacco is grand,
But thalidomide's banned
For thalidomide's much more dramatic.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2414
And not a fit subject for joking,
For each one of them sits
Having nicotine fits;
The pilots go right ahead smoking.
--- A N Wilkins P9005
Fucked a girl that smoked heavy, Miss Shaw.
From this smoking and sex,
A conditioned reflex
Made him blow when an ashtray he saw.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2186
With Tom Hobbs (Leviathan he):
A pipe smoking bloke
And two men who don't smoke
In the same room cannot all be free."
--- A N Wilkins P8808
Since tobacco is much worse than smut,
It offers occasion
For forceful persuasion--
A wonderful chance to kick butt!
--- Norm Storer P9202
Smoked a mix that his friends could endure.
To a man they did savor
The delightful new flavor,
Made of cherry pie mixed with manure.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2698
Prefers men who chew on tobaccy.
If she sees a chaw
Set in somebody's jaw,
Bingo! Her hormones go wacky.
--- Bob Leclerc
Who feels any game is a dud
If they will not allow
Him to act like a cow,
Contentedly chewing his cud.
--- Russ Burton P9202
Who was terribly addicted to smokin'.
"It's a Lucky Strike,"
He said, "That I like.
I just wish that I could stop chokin'."
--- Anon
And finally quit with a frown.
"It's like losing a pal,"
He complained to his gal,
"But it beats having teeth stained all brown."
--- Anon
Had tumors that caused him distress.
He was smoking much more,
Each day more than before,
And enjoying it daily much less.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2651
Was smoking an illicit fag,
When all through the room
Rang the teacher's great boom:
"Who's that evil boy, having a drag?"
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Was helpless the smokers to squelch.
So with smoke everywhere,
He made pure the foul air
With a healthy big fart and a belch.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2381
Smoke in the house is congealing;
But don't flee the murk;
Make that smoke work,
By hanging some hams from the ceiling.
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
Likes to work in just a bikini.
Each time I walk in,
She says with a grin,
Are you ever happy to see me!
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
To smoke the lit end for some cash.
Of course, I refused;
I would not be accused
Of having my head in my ash.
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
From the object of my affection,
But when she complained,
I quickly explained,
That cigars can prolong an erection.
--- Jon Eubanks
Her standards were increasingly tough;
Then one night in bed,
She came out and said,
"You haven't been smoking enough!"
--- Jon Eubanks
A lie that I couldn't transcend.
Then she started to date
My tobacconist Nate,
Though she still thought of me as a friend.
--- Jon Eubanks
His smokes did not give him much more.
He couldn't have met
Expectations I set,
With all the cigars in his store.
--- Jon Eubanks
The man smokes a dozen a day.
She holds him quite dear;
Two times a year,
She sends some Havanas my way.
--- Jon Eubanks
A lie can be quite undermining.
But it's not hard to take
The dark clouds of a break,
With enough smoke in the silver lining.
--- Jon Eubanks
And replied to the judgemental stare:
These are hours of fun
And stay firm until done --
Shall we discuss how you compare?
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
Who said, "This is my very last pack."
Now this man did not lie,
No more smokes did he try,
For he keeled over dead on his back.
--- Albin Chaplin
After love-making both like to smoke.
But he's had the same pack
For so long, he's lost track,
Yet to buy them for her keeps him broke.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8809
MORE