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Fish net stockings ol' Santa's got, The reindeer eyes wide with fright, Poor Rudolph, is now Santa's prey; The average guy farts thirteen times The 64 DOLLAR QUESTION I once took the F train to Queens, When your bowels are in a flux, Intestines rumbling, BORBORYGMUS, There was an old pervert from Notts, We're bathing, my hands start to grope; The funeral worker had started Detailing the mild from the raw, Now, if you must fart, darling Rose, The grill and fuel station lacked class, Some say that the vapors enhance, A flautlent patient named Perse The lately-lamented Bill Perse There was an inventor named Carter A famous smart feller named Bright At a meeting appeared old man Carter, Ex Domine del Dominorum Well, jeezus, I'm not very smart, Politicians have oodles to gain (H is renowned for his farts)
Homo sap by the billions is swarming; A sensitive girl from South Bend Woe, alack, and alas! There were two young twins name of Hartz, It's a sign of wedded security, There was a small boy named Lou There once was a Dane known as Martin You are such a delicate lass, I know a young fellow named Stout A hurricane's formed in the lee! I'm tempted to call you a blatherskite, A spamming ridiculous upstart, Now, to fart out in public takes gall; I fart 'round the house if I want; The neighbors claim we've got "lake stink." The doctor examined the parts On Earth, man has made a poor start; Farting's what sets me at ease. We have a condition called flatus. They say that our Al has no class. An old skeleton showed his faint heart Well the union can be such an ass There was a young lady from Dosset, There was a young lady of Dorset, Alone in the elevator, watch for To conserve gas supplies, Carter's team SOS and Mayday me hearty! The rubbing of some body parts, There once was a fellow named Ned The rotund old preacher had started I'm sorry, I fart strictly gas, A lousy lieutenant named Martin, Increased bowel gases flatulent, There once was a young man named Roland, Poor old P. Dickerson Dowd Around the world a bad fart has flown, Mil surplus (mask, gas) market? Boom? And on 'round the world it then traveled; A warm puff of intestinal air, Der vas ein yung feller of Stuttgart There was a wee bonnie young lass, Once as a young callow youth, There once was a soldier named Art -- There once was a soldier named Art --
From his tootsies up to his cock.
Red garters of lace
To keep them in place,
Matching bra and panties so hot.
--- Anon
Are locking their doors every night.
The chimney they block;
Won't answer a knock;
And pray it will soon be daylight.
--- Anon
In locking up he did delay.
Now he's on the phone,
Hysterical tone,
Dialing help from the S.P.C.A.
--- Anon
A day, (and much more if he rhymes).
And Latin would drat us
To call the thing flatus.
(I aspire to much higher crimes.)
--- Wiley
In dealing with acute indigestion
Is: Would it be crass
To pass some gas
And if so, have you another suggestion?
--- Norm Brust
That was stuffed like a can of sardines.
Though it was quite terrible,
It would have been bearable,
If I wasn't digesting baked beans.
--- Phil T
The odor most awfully sucks.
But I'll settle for gas,
And not have to pass
Whatever it is that sells Tucks.
--- Ogni Gioia
Presented Magi with enigmas;
By fits and starts
They linked to farts,
Cumulated gas passing sigmas.
--- Daniel Ford
Who loved licking young ladies botts.
Whilst rimming one tart,
She passed a wet fart,
And covered his face with brown spots.
--- Anon
You're breathless, unable to cope.
It's not the foreplay
Taking your breath away;
The bubbles aren't all from the soap.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
To prepare the most dearly departed,
When he said, in surprise,
As a noise did arise,
"I believe my cadaver just farted!"
--- Cap'n Bean P0307
Concerned with the thickness and draw,
A new magazine
Named Coli and Bean
Would argue Ballon versus Straw!
--- H Welchel
I'd rather a time that you chose,
When we weren't entwined
In act 69 --
The damned gas goes straight up my nose.
--- Anon
And though hungry, we just let it pass.
We could tell by the sign
It was no place to dine,
For it stated, "Eat here and get gas."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9504
The tendency to show non chalance.
And if it gets on feet,
Or some upon seat,
Everyone will resist your advance.
--- Tom Matkin
Broke wind in the face of his nurse;
Quite floored by the smell,
She sure gave him hell;
That's putting the fart 'fore the curse.
--- Armand E Singer 517C
Did something of which nothing's worse:
He blew out a gasket
That sealed his own casket --
A clear case of fart before hearse!
--- Armand E Singer 517B
Produced a device that was smarter.
It would check every ass
For the passing of gas,
And would finger the negligent farter.
--- Al Chaplin P9902a
Outsmarted all fellers in sight.
He progressed with his guile
To the top of the pile,
And felt smart as a smart feller might.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2471
He let a big fart as a starter.
Then he talked for a spell
But no person could tell
The orifice which was the smarter.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1194
In fartus exist deocorum
In liftus farnot
Com smellus allot
In communicado ilt flooredem.
--- Anon
So I may have this wrong from the start.
I think you mean, Lass,
Passing gas from the ass,
Or to put it more plainly, just "fart".
--- Jim Weaver Collection
By putting the lid on methane.
I think they have planned
To have our H banned,
With all beans to a province of Spain.
--- Anon
The face of this planet transforming.
And raw methane gasses
Come out of their asses,
Producing a vast global warming?
--- H Welchel a
At first thought her man did offend,
For this rotten old Bart
Let a terrible fart,
But was awfully good at the end.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0342
I'm held together by intestinal gas!
Each time I fart,
Something falls apart.
See! There's a crack in my ass!
--- Lims For Year - 01
Exactly alike in all parts.
No one knew which was who,
But their mother, she knew.
She could tell them apart by their farts.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1205
A marriage that's reached it's maturity,
When neither accuses,
Nor offers excuses,
For farts that fly with impunity.
--- Anon
In church with this family and who
Said to his father, Bart,
"Dad, I have to fart."
"You'll have to sit in your own pew."
--- Henry Mucha
Who didn't know shit about fartin'.
He needs to drink more
'Fore he knows the score,
And blathers the facts worth impartin'.
--- Anon
Disturbed by the mention of gas,
From out either end,
By youth or old friend,
Rejoicing that this, too, will pass.
--- Chris Papa
Whose life is a quagmire of doubt;
He admits that he sinned
When he had to break wind--
But he won't throw his windbreaker out!
--- Norm Storer P9509
All radio lubbers to flee!
The tide will soon surge!
God damn this foul urge!
I shouln't be farting at sea.
--- H Welchel
This is file dlm
But I fear that my chances are rather slight.
You'd get mad and depart,
Or pen lims on a fart,
Like the bulk of the gaseous who gather write.
--- Anon
Wants to sell us a machine that can fart.
With this obvious merit,
Its creator can parrot,
But you'll never convince me that's art!
--- Anon
Looking innocent, standing so tall;
But you won't feel so smart
'Bout your big, secret fart,
If it wasn't a fart after all!
--- Anon
Each one follows me like a haunt.
I answer the door;
They drop to the floor,
Sneak out and go for a jaunt.
--- Marlene Lewis
But really, the truth is, I think
That all of our pooters
Are looking for suitors.
The smell rises whenever they wink.
--- Marlene Lewis
Of a sickly old fellow named Hartz.
And he said, "I can't see
What your illness can be,
For you're letting some fine healthy farts."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1222
In pollution, he's put soul and heart.
But in Congress, their goal
Is to plug every hole --
Man will soon need a license to fart.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2320
Most people think me a sleaze.
I ask them to yank
My finger, not crank.
A little help here if you please.
--- H Welchel
Well, it would surely elate us
If you could cure it.
We barely endure it.
The neighbors even evade us.
--- Robert Ulsh Gross P8205
I'll tell you the reason, alas.
While some say he's gentry,
His name's Al Imentry,
And he never quite runs out of gas.
--- Al Willis
In that class for young students of art.
As they sketched the late Jones,
A belch rattled his bones,
For he hadn't the guts left to fart.
--- David A Brooks Q
(If you'll pardon my being so crass).
When they try to recruit me
Or threaten to shoot me,
My answer is just to pass gas.
--- Neal Wilgus P8608
Who went to a pennyworth closet.
But when she got there,
She could only puff air.
That wasn't a pennyworth, was it?
--- Anon
Who went to an Underground closet.
She screwed up her ass
But passed only gas,
And that wasn't a tuppence-worth, was it?
--- L0694
Urgent gas that will tempt you to roar;
Break wind if you choose,
But you never know who's
Getting on at the very next floor!
--- Anon
Proceeded to work at full steam,
So they mixed gas and farts
In exact equal parts,
But they failed in this half-farted scheme.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2330
I hear that your having a party.
Young P. and his passion,
I'll bring my rum ration,
And I promise I'll not be too farty.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Brings closer a meeting of hearts.
I have one large fault
And soon she will bolt,
When I let go with one of my farts.
--- Anon
Who always farted in bed.
One night his wife cried,
"Go take it outside!"
So now Ned farts in a shed.
--- D Hultgren
To pray for the dear and departed.
As he wheezed and knelt down
He was squeezed by his gown,
So he parted his cheeks and he farted.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1093
Except for a lump I might pass,
Which is diamond-less
And gem-less. I guess
That H might get more from his ass.
--- Anon
Of habits -- dad nabit! -- unsartain,
Would brag of his wit,
Which was nothing but shit,
For his mouth, he used mainly for fartin'.
--- G1424
As from a visitor corpulent,
With bogborigmus
And odor stigmas,
Lowers value of the flat that you lent.
--- Daniel Ford
Who kept his own head in his colon.
One day on a lark,
He let out a fart,
And blew his own mind clear to Poland.
--- Anticlam
Was bloodied a bit, but unbowed;
The violence started
When Dickerson farted,
While showing his ass to the crowd.
--- Anon
And Oh! How it's power has grown.
After going all over,
It settled on Dover,
And now the whole town's over blown.
--- Archie
In France, they're dispensing perfume.
The Dutch? Hoarding guilders.
The Japs? Making filters.
In England they're bearing the gloom.
--- Archie
The great Rocky Mountains, it graveled.
It reached me at work;
(Oh King Fart, you jerk!)
The damn thing my knickers unraveled.
--- Archie
Ruffled his dear lover's hair!
He said, "Excuse my ass belching,
Please, go on with your felching,
You suck an ass with such flair!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who haben in life ein fine gut schtart.
Venn he vas a boy littler
He'd salute with Heil Hitler,
And vud end his salute mit ein butt fart.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2325
Who had the most beautiful ass.
I took her to bed,
And we would have wed,
But for all of the gas that she'd pass.
--- Dave So T9710
I dated demure, pretty Ruth...
My trick was ingidious;
She cried, "That just hidious!
And put down your legs, it's uncouth!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Every time he ate spam he would fart.
It's a hell of a feat
For a tin of chopped meat
To affect one's Pvt. part.
--- Dr Feelgood
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart.
With the help of this fact,
And a strategical match,
He could blow all the bad guys apart.
--- Dr Feelgood
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