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I have a new lighter for lighting The grasshopper, fearing abuse, Miss Muffet, I gave her a stogie I've devised a housecleaning incentive; Non-smokers, who foul air abhor, In the 30's most smokers were prone There was a young gourmet named Pete An addict of smoking named Haskett A chain-smoking, flatulent nut Since he's traveled in France quite extensively, There once was a smoker from Boulder, "A lesson I've grasped," said McShakoe, Have you heard of the Marlboro Man? A mannerly man makes a hit Rudyard Kipling was one of that stripe There was a pipe smoker named Hicks In a factory that made cigarettes, As down through the works she was strollin', Though lusted by grocers and barmen, He thinks "Here I'll get me damn-all. So next comes along our torero He tells her "Now hang on, my dear, "I'm stuck here amid all these fags, And these honeyed words have him smitten, So now Carmelita's alone, So down Derby Road you should stride. A pipe smoker said to me "Man, Can't we ban smokers outside a store? There was a young man from Hoboken Maria once tried hard to sing; Lorillard, Inc. and Group Liggettte. A heavy old smoker, McClure A cigarette smoker named Murray Here's a question designed to perplex: A smoking old man of Madras, There was a young lady named Ben One time when spittoons were outmoded, There was a young man from Pine Bluff, A young man addicted to snuff How they pick on poor innocent Trudy! There was a young man of Gran Chaco, A sign was observed by old Paul: A smoker who smoked with a passion For 35 years I'm a smoker, It's good you can still do the deed There once was a chain-smoking dude, A compulsive young smoker named Moffin, A waxed moustache and oil-slicked hair, In respect to the pipe smoker's puff, A nicotine addict was Cass; So pity the poor cigar lover A jungle explorer named Sam'l, To Jim's paper shop went old Drew, Always stand upwind from a chewer "If Nature had meant mortal clay Two wealthy publicity hounds The turbulent turbo-prop churns The airline's accountant said, "Crunch We'll call it "Boeuf a la Barf," At the airport a traveler named Lynn, There once was a plane with bent flaps, That same silly plane with bent flaps, Marty
Imagine what joy flying brings; The Chinese just bought a new Boeing I went for a flight in a Boeing; It ain't just a flight in a Boeing There has been some poop raining down,
My pipe. Now, it's fun and exciting
To sit here and flick it
And warm up my dick; it
Is great when the cold wind is biting.
--- Anon
Chews tobacco and spits out the juice;
Let's hope that this habit
Won't spread to the rabbit,
The crocodile, hippo, and moose.
--- Lims Unlimited
'Cause I am an aimless old fogey...
As I wanked on my pole
She missed her own hole!
In fact, 'twas a lame double bogey!
--- Anon
I think it's quite smart and inventive.
When your house gets to par,
I'll provide a cigar,
And make you feel quite presidentive.
--- Ericka
Must all make their voices heard more.
They must learn the fine art
Of the exquisite fart,
And to gracefully spit on the floor.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2410
To remain in the poverty zone.
In the 60's and later,
Though their wealth was far greater,
Many young smokers still rolled their own.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0410
Who gave a fair maiden a treat
While he ate at the "Y."
So she said to the guy,
"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1287
Smoked fags and cigars by the basket.
So he soon met his fate,
But the urge was so great
That he asked for a light from his casket.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2612
Inhaled smoke so deep down in his gut
That when he passed gas
Smoke came out of his ass,
Leaving nicotine stains on his butt.
--- Theo Heller P9202
There's a sign that he views apprehensively:
"I refuse to obey
The one that will say
'No Smoking'," Tom fumed most defensively.
--- Hugh Clary
Who lit up and then let it smoulder.
"Put it out! Put it out"
I said with a shout,
Or else you won't get any older.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"After fighting last night with a wacko,
Who was giving me flack,
And I've learned not to smack
A man, who is chewing tobacco."
--- Hugh Clary
He's long, lean, and rangy and tan;
He puffs on the weed
Up there on his steed
'Cause he can't in the family sedan.
--- Norm Storer P9202
When licking a gal's throbbing clit,
Because he won't gnaw
Or dribble his chaw
Of tobacco, whene'er he can't spit.
--- Travis Brasell
Who encouraged the fierce macho hype,
And lest strangers or cronies
Should doubt his cojones,
All the pictures show him with a pipe.
--- A N Wilkins P9202
Who from smoking new brands, got his kicks.
He prepared a fine blend
Which won many a friend --
A horseshit and cherry pie mix.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2107
There worked a gorgeous brunette,
And the men on her shift
Had a permanent stiff,
But she was Virginian yet.
--- Anon
Lascivious glances were stolen,
But she'd ne'er lift her hem,
For any of them...
They had to make do with hand rolling.
--- Anon
The hottest for her's a gendarme. An
Incontinent groan,
Meant he'd grown a great bone,
And soon he'd be yelling "I'm Carmen."
--- Anon
It's just like Delilah and Sam, I'll
Go off, join the Legion,
And in some desert region,
Perhaps I can roll me a camel."
--- Anon
Who swanks "Honey, I'm a bold hero.
Let's get at your plum."
She says "Piss off, chum."
And gives him a thump in the earhole.
--- Anon
From the next bull I'll give you the ears."
She says "You're a toss-
er, who thinks he's the boss;
It's the todger I want, you damned queer."
--- Anon
And Tiddy's bad cigarette gags,
So go have your fun,
On that Pamplona run,
Then go off and screw some old slag."
--- Anon
That sap, by the love bug's been bitten,
And there in the ring,
Thinking just of one thing,
By Ferdie he's tossed like a kitten.
--- Anon
She packs up and moves far from home,
To a house in Southampton,
Where there's punters a-pantin',
For a fiver, to give her a bone.
--- Anon
She'll see you, invite you inside.
But say Tiddy sent ya
Upon this adventure,
Then maybe I'll get a free ride.
--- Anon
Tobacco is part of the plan!
I'd get some for pater,
But must buy it later.
Prince Albert is still on the can."
--- John Dohner P8808
From their lightling up right by the door?
On my way to the car,
I inhale so much tar,
That I gag for five minutes or more!
--- Prof M-G T9707
Whose lungs were all rotten from smokin'.
As the wretch lay there gasping,
With a horrible rasping,
He still thought the doctor was jokin'.
--- Albin Chaplin
Her vocal chords simply went "ping"!
The reason they're broken
Is 'cause of her smokin';
Her voice has lost all of its zing!
--- Anon
Turned off the red ink at the spigot.
They were very willin'
To pay just $8 billion
To atone for the millions they'd sickened.
--- Dr Limerick 11-06-00
Did reek like the slime in a sewer.
When he took a plane flight,
His wife missed him that night,
So she slept with a pile of manure.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1884
Was told by his doc he should worry.
"They'll stifle your breath
And cause a slow death!"
Said Murray, "I'm not in a hurry!"
--- Observer
This is file dll
"Do you smoke at all, just after sex?"
I never undertook
To take a close look.
I'll just have to question my Ex.
--- Al Willis T9710
Whose jaw was cut off by some glass,
Continued to smoke,
But no longer did choke,
For he learned how to smoke with his ass.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2181
Who got on very well with the men.
It wasn't the beard
Or the way that she cheered,
But the pipe that she smoked now and then.
--- Michael Palin
A cowboy on snoose overloaded;
His cheeks grew in size
And bugged out his eyes
And later, I hear he exploded.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Who was admonished never to puff.
Said he, "I'm no fool;
I'll follow the rule."
Then proceeded to sniff away snuff.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Would sniff it from his girl-friend's muff.
"It tickles!" she'd shout.
"Please take your nose out!
And then we can start playing rough!"
--- Anon
Why, one of her beaux was so rude he
Would partake of snuff
while abusing her muff,
Leaving Trudy most troubled and moody.
--- John Miller
Who brain was as hard as quebracho.
He smoked like a mule skinner
With his family at dinner,
So that all could enjoy his tobacco.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2601
"Don't spit on the floor, not at all."
With a chew of tobaccy,
He formed one that was tacky,
And fastened a slug on the wall.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2737
Was spit in the face and turned ashen.
Though he showed some concern,
It was thus he did learn
That spitting was now back in fashion.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2735
A morn, noon, and eventide toker.
My memory's still there,
I'm healthy and swear
I still raise a mighty nice poker.
--- Cyber Wizard
When under the spell of the weed.
But shifting the panties
And upping your Auntie's
Is not how your seed should be freed.
--- SFA
Who thought it incredibly rude
That any defy him
And want to deny him
His right to be terminally screwed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was subject to coughing fits often.
Though he died from the strain,
Yet his death was in vain --
He continued to cough in his coffin.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2710
And cologne that belched fumes in the air;
When he lit his cigar
And went up like a star,
We could see the man had quite a flare.
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
There is no need to burn the damned stuff.
They will find that it's true;
Just a small pinch will do,
With results that are quite up to snuff.
--- Russ Burton P9201
When smoking, he'd do it first class.
Through three fags he would leer,
Sick a pipe in each ear,
And shoved a cigar up his ass.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1984
With tastes his funds cannot cover;
In losing control.
He loses his soul,
To Visa, Mastercard, and Discover.
--- J Eubanks and S Martin
Likes sex with just any old mammal;
When he can't persuade
An ape to get laid,
He'll walk a whole mile for a Camel.
--- Norm Storer P9202
His pipe's baccy stock to renew.
"You got some black shag?"
Jim picked up a mag:
"No sir, but will `Asian Babes' do?"
--- Anon
And stains on your clothes will be fewer.
'Cause when snoose comes your way,
It threatens to spray,
And can polka-dot most of the viewer.
--- Wild West Limericks P8602
To fly," asked a traveler named Jay,
"Can there be any doubt
She'd have worked the thing out
So that airports weren't so far away?"
--- A N Wilkins P8810
Are pretending to test human bounds;
They'll take a balloon
Halfway to the moon,
In the hope they will be world-renowned.
--- Dr Limerick 11-19-01
Through pockets of air, and one learns
That humble receptacle
Can be so acceptable;
So handy if breakfast returns.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The numbers and we'll find a bunch
Of ways to cut loss.
When passengers toss
Their breakfast -- reheat it for lunch!"
--- Travis Brasell
British Airways man said with a larf.
"Squeamish greenies will see,
It's recycled for free,
And cut all our food costs by harf.
--- Ron Bevitt
Was wearing a rapturous grin,
Till the metal detector
Caused the guards to suspect her.
She had left Ben Wa Balls, you know, IN!
--- Don Moore P0302
They were held on by flimsy straps.
And when they fell off,
The cockpit did doff,
While the engine sputtered and coughed.
--- Elija Toppe
In danger of metal collapse,
Near choked on its maker,
Who was a lim faker,
And whose rhyming scheme was the craps.
--- Marty
Many times I went up on two wings.
Old Rhinebeck's the place
Where they fly the old ways,
And Cole Palen was king of the kings.
For their President's to-ing and fro-ing;
The optional package
For electronic trackage
Thrown in free, without their even knowing.
--- Dr Limerick 01-20-02
What a buzz; my old penis growing.
So excited I be,
I went for a pee.
Didn't know, was I coming or going!
--- Aussie Owl
That gets my old juices a-flowing;
It's sweet stewardesses
In uniform dresses
And turbulence get's me a-going.
--- Peter Wilkins
Which turned houses and driveways brown.
The mystery's not solved
No one is absolved --
We have a crap duster in town!
--- Anon
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