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There once was a soldier named Art -- There once was a soldier named Art -- There once was an impotent fart A nortorious farter named Treadwell Last night in the club, we had bells on, There was a young fellow named Martin There was an old fellow named Newman Regarding the talent to fart: 'Tis true that the breaking of wind As he lay in the tub broken-hearted, As the mother of a male child, It seems bathroom humor is in, ''ve got me an auto-fart squib I met a young man down in Kent, There was a young man from Wales An old hill-billy named Don, The wind blowing hard then, quite soon Just then the wife came outside, "Oh, Don't see what you've passed. The doctor up to the house sped, From his bag he produced a thin rod, Wiping the shit from his chin, A fellow who just preferred greens A lady ate six tons of peas It's best not eat prunes, There was a young lady named Bright I've always enjoyed a good party Now darlin' I never drink beer, If I sit on your lap, will I hear Potatoes were banned once in France; When you eat boiled eggs and drink beer, One day in deep forest, a pygmy I always leave carrots till last, I made a New Years Resolution, There was a food faddist named Keynes Your breath may be sweet, but you'll find The nights are fair drawin' in; But I do not think this is right; If you've had a beer for a start, I suggest you avoid submarines. My brother's name is Martin; For fuel, man looks both near and far -- If you've eaten too much beans or cheese, The boys were a bunch of upstarts, A boy with a very large bite, A prunes and bran lover named Barton There is a poor victim named Marts A flatulent fellow named Cooper Many parties are marred up in Downing, A crepitant cowhand named Sweezy There was a young fellow named Charted, A flatulent M.A. With his beans, Chef Richard did strive Oriental petards are not yellow, There was a young fellow named Bart, A flatulent lady was Mame; At a contest of farts, Mr. Whipple There was a young man named McBride, There once was a wonderful wizard, If you Let-Your-Wind, then you must A peculiar young Scot named MacDougal The popular man-about-town I get gas from eating fried taters; There once was a burglar of Queens A hitchhiker with tres savoir faire, Her pussy lips flapped as she farted
Every time he ate Spam, he would fart.
Such a sweet melody
That all did agree
That his arse must connect to his heart!
--- Dr Feelgood
Every time he ate Spam he would fart
Through the end of his cock --
And though he got a shock,
It put wind up the company tart!
--- Dr Feelgood
Who took the sweet science to heart.
He'd spar with young whores,
Cause jabs to the drawers.
'Twas all that would give him a start.
--- H Welchel
Was barred from the shrine of St. Winifred's Well.
A bloke from the Yard
Remarked, "We must guard
The public from what Treadwell's spread well."
--- Arthur Deex P9211
When all of the patrons, they smelled one.
They're sniffin' and whiffin';
The axe-man was riffin',
But I stole the show with a swell one.
--- H Welchel
Whose favorite pastime was fartin'.
But one day, alas,
What he thought was gas,
Was something you shovel and cart in.
--- G1423
Whose wife was left angry and fumin'.
He was told to take care
When he vented his air,
But to air, he said stoutly, was human.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1220
It's neither a skill nor an art.
It is aromatic
But too democratic
To set the performer apart.
--- Anon
Is something at which we've all sinned.
You should make bowel control
Your attainable goal,
Or you'll wind up in space if not pinned.
--- Anon
The queer tried to hold back, but farted.
It made him so sick
To see the Vaseline slick
Of his long lost lover departed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
I learned to react rather mild.
Seems most men and boys
Allow anal noise
To make their laughter run wild.
--- Maggie
And manners just don't seem to win.
There is no disgrace
Nor egg on the face;
It's just one more reason to grin!
--- Maggie
That sits on the end of a rib.
You stick in your cooter;
It lights off your pooter,
Whenever you cut loose a fib.
--- Anon
Who farted wherever he went.
"I'm going to Dover,
To take a trip over
To France, then I'm incontinent."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Whose yachting technique never fails.
He dines on baked beans
And plenty of greens,
And his farts put the wind in the sails.
--- Jeff Daeschner
Having used the outdoor john,
Left the door open wide
To let fresh air inside,
And went in to his wife and his son.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Came along a red toy balloon.
It came in through the door,
To the pan, not the floor,
And stayed there until nearly noon.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And there in the john she espied
A great red protusion --
No, 'twas no illusion --
And rushing straight indoors she cried...
--- Tiddy Ogg
That must have come out of your ass.
Now son, get the quack,
And hurry right back."
The boy scuttled off, breathing fast.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And the woman now frantically said:
"How could this appear
From my husband's rear."
The doc, at a loss, scratched his head.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And gave the balloon quite a prod.
It went off with a bang,
And back they all sprang.
Shouting "Heavens!", "Good Lord!" and "My God!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
The doctor just managed a grin.
"I've practiced round here
For near forty year,
And I've ne'er seen a fart with a skin."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Once ate an abundance of beans;
It left him with gas
Spewing out of his ass,
And with stains in the seat of his jeans.
--- Cap'n Bean P0306
And it made her swell up so obese,
That her mate said, "Ho boy!
C'est vrai advoirdupois!
Heaven help those downwind in the breeze!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402
Or you'll play some thunderous tunes.
Your fame will soon spread;
They'll call you "fart-head"
And bar you from local saloons.
--- Observer
Who said to the butcher polite,
Have you beef hearts today?"
But the butcher said "Nay,
Try these beans, they'll beef hearts tonight."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1971
And eight A.M. is a good start. We
Can each have a snack
At dawn's early crack,
But beware -- all that beer gets me farty!
--- Anon
Just one will put me on my ear.
So bring me some wine,
To have a good time,
And then I'll lead my special cheer.
--- Anon
A loud raucous sound from your rear?
The wine sounds okay
But you've had beer today,
Your breath sold you out, barfy dear.
--- Anon
'Twas claimed they caused Saint Vitus dance.
But everyone knows
(Despite 'claims' it's prose)
It's beets that puts farts in your pants.
--- Anon
The intestinal pressure's severe.
Embarrassing stigmas
Can cause BORBORYGMAS,
The rumbling noise that you hear!
--- Observer
Met a dear friend and said to him, "Dig me,
I just ate some dude,
All hairy, unstewed,
Which tickled and brought BORBORYGMI."
--- Chris Papa
And I gobble the peas really fast.
But I won't touch my jello
While romancing a fellow,
'Cause sometimes it gives me bad gas.
--- Willow Haven
This is file dkm
To keep what I think's the solution.
I'll stop eating greens
And Mexican beans,
And cut way back on pollution.
--- Blowsephus T9801
Who only ate carrots and beans.
At night on the prowl
He could see like an owl,
But he farted all day in his jeans.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1211
That friends who know of your mind
For green prophylaxis
With leguminous praxis
Won't follow too closely behind.
--- J'Carlin
The wind it makes such a din!
My husband's a pain,
(Ate baked beaans again...)
In fact, he ate more than one tin.
--- Jayne
Make the best of this -- give him a light.
Though with too big a fart,
You house may blow apart;
At least you can stay warm at night.
--- DJ
Then found there are beans on the cart,
You may hide the swell
But never the smell,
As they join and you start to fart.
--- Anon
And I doubt that you'll please the colleens.
So stay far away
And use a sachet,
If you have been eating baked beans.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
His lifestyle is somewhat spartan.
He doesn't do much,
No hobbies as such,
Just eatin' and drinkin' and fartin'.
--- Anon
He is funding a program bizarre:
With beans as a fuel
And his asshole a tool,
He blasts farts for propelling his car.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2041
And your colonic gas needs release,
Don't fart it away!
Save it up, make it pay!
In fact, can you send it here - please!
--- Tutta Gioia
And mischief was all in their hearts.
It's all in their genes,
So when they eat beans,
They shower each other with farts.
--- Naz
On Saturday swallowed a kite.
Now, as eating beans (tinned)
Gives him terrible wind,
At tea-time, he tends to take flight.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Received a reward to enhearten:
He was given a plaque,
Neatly framed in coal black,
For skill in the fine art of fartin'!
--- Armand E Singer 905
Who never can stop once he starts;
If he overdoes bran
With his fruit-fiber plan,
He riddles the room with his farts.
--- Armand E Singer 481
Is known as a blue-ribbon pooper.
Them as knows, says it means
He's a glutton for beans --
Well, he sure bangs 'em out like a trooper.
--- Grand Prix Lim 910 G1371
By the Bard of Petard and his clowning.
He'll recite Keats and Shelly
Way down in his belly,
Then appal with a small bit of Browning.
--- Pierce Evans
With his blasts, made the countryside breezy.
Accompanied by means
Of big meals of red beans,
To Sweezy these breezes came easy.
--- G1469
Who rubbed soap on his bung when it smarted.
And to his surprise,
He received a grand prize,
For the bubbles he blew when he farted.
--- L0684
Said to Ziegfeld, the C.P.,
"If you seek to attract
An explosive new act,
I'm a champion Bl. F."
--- Keith Gilman P0112
To meet the Clean Air Standards of '95.
But his hot-start emmission
Revealed a condition
Of flatulence in overdrive.
--- ska@synon.com
But that does not make 'em more mellow.
When Africa attacks
The gas is not black,
But sounds like it came out of hell. Oh!
--- Anon
Who strained every shit through a fart.
Each tip-tapered turd
Was the very last word
In this deft and most intricate art.
--- L0671
Her delicate farts won her fame.
But her husband, the shit,
Was devoid of all wit;
For to him all her farts smelt the same.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1214
With a tweak, to himself on his nipple,
And some anal compression,
Could fart in succession,
And won a great prize for a triple.
--- Cap'n Bean
Who could fart whenever he tried.
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two,
And then shit and was disqualified.
--- L0715
Who got a fierce pain in his gizzard,
So he drank wind and snow
At fifty below,
And farted a forty-day blizzard.
--- Conrad Aiken
Join "Let-Your-Wind Anonymous."
So when on the verge
Of having a surge,
You phone, and report it to us.
--- Irving Superior P9804
Delights to break wind in a bugle.
Otherwise he is sane,
Comes in out of the rain,
And is hardworking, kindly, and frugal.
--- Grand Prix Lim 892 G1416
And lover of curry, named Brown,
Farts natural gas
Through a pipe up his ass,
Thus keeping his heating bills down.
--- Michael Horgan
My belches smell worse than oil freighters.
Lately my farts
Have grown in their smarts;
They've learned to use elevators.
--- Gearhart
Who concocted a soup of black beans.
When he'd let out a fart,
The whole room would grow dark,
And he'd flee the crime scene unseen.
--- Douglas Airmet
Had a talent I thought very rare.
With his thumb up his ass,
He'd save up his gas,
Pop it out, and fly through the air.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A fart and a half. As they parted
Like wings of a dove,
She rose ten feet above
Us and waved as she slowly departed.
--- Peter Wilkins
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