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The short guy with Napoleon-type hat, A respected, well-known epicure, (well, he was full of shit - McW)
The gourmets at dinner all sit My anger, dear fellow, was due Their first statue -- Athena, a beauty -- A bird fluttered out of a tree, The Rajah of Afganistan I heard of the story on Clyde Try to avoid the Powells! A prudish old lady called Muir Cows 'round the outhouse -- what din! My neighbors, the dirty Miss Drews, There was an old lady named Pitt, Before your hound lowers a turd, In Spring, when hearts turn to Love, A cowboy intent on his toil A turd dropped by Sister Ecclesia A lad went to work in the zoo; There was a young man from Wamsutter Our neighbor's a friendly old sot. Oh, magnificent bird in the sky; To guard against muggers that hit you, We avoid the lush maiden from Spits, The mounted cop on the beat, The mayor and cops were parading, Said the city dude, "Don't think me too silly There once was a lady called Tia My heart bleeds for all of you chaps. There was a young man from Ben Vrackie, It's steamy, it's gooey, it's vile; 'Twould seem this mysterious "It" Oh, pity the cowboy who's coming An unlucky cruise victim named Wills, There was a young farmer from Leyhill, (A voice, and besides that, nothing.)
One evening while out for a jog, There once was a lady called Tia A myopic watch sailor at Woods Hole While watching a pigeon fly by, "I'm glad pigs can't fly", said young Sellers, There was a young chemist named Byrd, Said an angry old man of Amritsar, A very strange woman named Dotty, For riding way out on the prairie, In Medieval times (they were old), There once was a man from Rangoon, "Gadzooks!!" bellowed Richard the Third A fussy old maid from Vancouver, Dumb Sally was really quite cute. In a whorehouse on Pee Street in Dallas, There was an old man from France, A man by the named of McGoo, The geese are most beautiful creatures, There once was a green gob of goo, There once was a horse from Cape Verde A constipated swimmer named Max A youth, whom I happened to meet There once was a builder named Howell, There was an old farmer named Pitt, He ran down Houndsditch reeling, Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet A loose-sphinctered fellow from Clapenham A sorry young fellow was Dan; There was a young traveler named Vance, Ever since I was two Sweet kissypoo! I've craved your words! Down with the Miller of Dee!
Picks fights - an obnoxious rat;
When boss, hell to pay!
'Cause, like Rabelais,
His heart is too close to his crap!
--- Anon
Plunged head over heels in a sewer.
He swallowed some shite
And exclaimed with delight,
"This is nourishing, wholesome and pure."
--- Prof
Enjoying the food fine and fit.
But excreting is fun,
So when dinner is done,
They should gather together to shit.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1230
To hoping this sweet morning dew
Was left by the fog--
When really, some dog
Had covered the front lawn with doo!
--- Norm Storer P9112
Made the rulers of Athens feel snooty,
But while they were beaming
And the marble was gleaming,
The pigeons of town did their duty.
--- P8811a
Where, walking, I happened to be;
That fine-feathered flit
Had, for certain, to shit,
But why did he do it on me?
--- Cap'n Bean P0604
Imported a Birmingham can,
Which he set as a throne
On a great Buddha stone.
But he crapped out-of-doors like a man.
--- L0666
But there's something about which you lied.
It wasn't his dog's doo;
He'd not make it to the loo;
By this truth I must abide.
--- Anon
They tend to void their bowels
With ashen faces,
Horrid grimaces,
And loud, bloodcurdling howls.
--- Bill Wiatt
Had a mind so incredibly pure,
That she fainted away
At a friend's house one day
At the sight of a canary's manure.
--- Anon
Their mooing gets under my skin;
I'll sit here, no doubt,
Afraid to step out,
For fear of what I will step in.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Stand on their doorstep and muse,
And tie up their tresses,
While the dogs make their messes,
And I am wiping my shoes.
--- George Moore 1936 L0696
Whose dog was large, healthy and fit.
All the neighbors did fear
If she wandered too near,
When she took her dog out for a shit.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1223
Do you think that I might have a word?
If you empty your pup,
Bring a bag -- clean it up!
Avoidable fouling's absurd!
--- Anon
And overhead beats wings of a dove,
Lovers stroll while they chat,
But -- remember your hat,
To catch those gifts dropped from above.
--- Lunar Dee
Must heed nature's call lest he spoil,
So he piles off his horse
And does something quite coarse;
He knows it enriches the soil.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Reached from Key West to Southern Rhodesia.
The cause of this dump
Was a three-foot-square lump
Of Ex-lax laced with milk of magnesia.
--- G2326
With a shovel he'd pick up the pooh.
He claimed after a spell
He could tell by the smell,
The difference between yak and gnu.
--- Anon
Who attempted to shit on a shutter.
There were roars of dismay
When the shutter gave way,
And he finished his shit in the gutter.
--- Tony Davie Collection
He serves cool drinks when it's hot.
He's considerate too,
You can tell by the view --
An outhouse for those on the trot.
--- John Paulk P9808
You just dropped a big glob in my eye;
Though I uttered a curse,
Things could be so much worse;
What if horses and cows learned to fly?
--- Anon
I bought me a dog, learned ju-jitsu;
I met such a man,
The dog and I ran,
The mugger, though, slipped on my shihzu.
--- Anon
Due to vile ventral gas she emits.
In the midst of a dinner,
This unconscionable sinner
Hops up on the table and shits!
--- G1461
With his horse, tried to be discreet,
But his horse couldn't stop it,
He just had to drop it,
Upon that odoriferous street.
--- Al Willis
The horses and bands, captivating.
But some faces turned red
And folks nearly dropped dead,
When the horses began defecating.
--- Al Willis TP9802
To follow this path fairly loosily,
Endeavoring not
To step in a spot
Where a cow has preceded me juicily!"
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Who suffered from bad diarrhea.
She'd often be seen
Sitting on a latrine,
Which no one would ever go near.
--- Donald McGill
You say that you smell of ripe craps
But if I were you
I'd not broadcast my pooh
And I'd keep all my dirt under wraps.
--- Anon
Went up on the hill for a cacky.
The shite, it came oot
Wi a helluva scoot,
And killed two craws and a blackie.
--- Charlie Keenan
It's piled almost high as a mile;
It bubbles and squeaks
In the sunshine for weeks,
But it sure makes a dung-beetle smile.
--- Peter Wilkins
Would in my home town cause a snit!
Not many could endure
Such a pile of manure;
Is it bull or horse -- (here use your wit).
--- Chris Anton
From night-herding duty that's numbing,
Through cowpies quite dense
Deposited thence
By cattle with very loose plumbing.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Took a batch of magnesium pills.
He wound up with the trots;
His guts tied into knots,
And the subject of Kodachrome stills.
--- Armand Singer
This is file dim
Went to shit on the top of a high hill.
When his friends asked him, "Was it
A pleasing deposit?"
He said, "Vox et praeterea nihil."
--- Anon L0678 G1463
I spied a young man in the fog.
Though is appeared from afar
That he held a cigar,
The stogie had come from his dog.
--- Paul
Who suffered from bad diarrhea.
And what she like most
Was to walk by the coast,
Then to shit off the end of the pier.
--- Donald McGill
Through his spy glass he spied him an ol'
Cigar steaming reeks,
Between furry cheeks.
Snaps Cappy, "Butt bulging out of a porthole."
--- Gibbon the Troubadour
I got something white in my eye.
Now I didn't moan,
But said with a groan
"I'm just glad that milk cows don't fly!"
--- Daniel Lei
(He's one of those worrying fellows).
"For if they could fly,
They'd shit in the sky."
And we'd all have to carry unbrellas."
--- Ron Rubin
Had an urge that could not be deferred.
So to irritate Knox,
He shit in his socks,
And plastered the walls with his turd.
--- G1364
"Have the goodness to mind where you shit, sir!
That last shit of yours
Has besmirched my plus-fours,
You really aren't careful a bit, sir."
--- Langford Reed
On her front porch did sit on her potty.
"It isn't polite
To do this in sight,
But then, those who complain are most snotty.
--- L0695
The facilities tend to be airy.
You can bet from the spot
Where you've chosen to squat,
That your profile will show -- so don't tarry.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
The traveling Knights were most bold.
Sans toilets for sitting,
They did roadside shitting.
They left quite contented, I'm told.
--- Frank Fazed
Who tried to fart his way to the moon.
Seems he flopped as a rocket,
Shit in his pocket,
And died in a rectal typhoon.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
When hit from above by a bird;
"Gadzooks!" and then laughed
Thinking, "Jeeze what a daft
Euphemistic expression for turd."
--- Peter Wilkins
Messed her pants while touring the Louvre.
Guards trailed her a bit
By her spoor of soft shit,
Then proceeded to gently remove 'er.
--- G0664
But she didn't know fruit worth a hoot.
When she asked at the store,
The clerk chuckled galore.
She thought road apples a new kind of fruit.
--- Clarence E Boyle P9003
A popular trollop named Alice
Is today in disgrace:
Shitting in Madam's face
Was no way to show ire and malice!
--- G1374
Who insisted on shitting his pants.
His daughter said, "Father,
If you do it another..."
The father said, "Daughter, I shan't"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Felt the urge to go take a poo.
He emptied his bowels
On some white paper towels,
And shuffled his feet in the goo.
--- J Weaver
As they roost on the high school bleachers.
But when in the field
Their wastes have congealed;
One may slip in thier less lovely features.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who didn't have much else to do.
So he waited till spring,
On the first passing thing,
And that's why he's stuck to your shoe.
--- Redwolfess
Who produced most unusual turds.
By the simplest means
He'd eat corn and beans
And make succotash for the birds.
--- L0680
Once embarrassed himself with Ex-Lax.
He vowed, as his stool
Flowed into the pool,
To never again eat three packs.
--- Anon
Said, "Let's play blindman's-buff in the street."
I said, "Don't be absurd,
You might tramp on a turd
With disasterous results to your feet."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who had a remarkable bowel.
He built him a building
Of brickwork and gilding,
Using--what do you think--on his trowel.
--- Robert W Murray L0706
Whose cart a big boulder did hit.
His load of manure
Was so insecure,
He was up to his neck in the shit!
--- G1437
At Bedlam, he was frighted.
He in Moorfields
Beshit his heels,
At Hoxton he was wiped.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But then pooping is never too neat.
If you make a mess,
I'm calling the press.
Because that, even Bill could not beat!
--- Anon
Had buttocks with far too much crap in 'em.
And when he'd lie down,
His shorts turned a deep brown,
Which kept him from taking a nap in 'em.
--- Armand E Singer 431
He smelt like an old garbage can.
He remarked, so morose,
"I was standing too close
When the feces was flung at the fan."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1199
Who loved far-off climes for romance.
But in the Crimea
He got diarrhea,
And fouled up his shorts and his pants.
--- Armand E Singer 365
I've been quite enthralled with my poo.
Then I'd make balls
To smear on the walls,
But now I just share it with you.
--- H Welchel
I'll make you a pie of green curds
And toss it, in time,
Where sunlight don't shine.
We'll laugh like young babes smearing turds.
--- Anon
Loathsome, disgusting, is he!
He shits on the floor,
And worse, what is more,
Totally drenched in hot pee.
--- Armand Singer
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