My cousin, the honorable Jed Rose, There was a young man from Panama A nasty perverted young Brit A fat-headed female named Burt My sneakers were smelling like ass, A vicious young man named Snerd, There was a young fellow named Paul, There was a young man from St Paul, Said a scholar enrolled at Concordia There once was a girl from Helsinki A real dim-witted bootblack Named Zola There was an old man from Arcola There was a young man named McCloud, Yer ass is a fine one, it's true, The morals of a fellow named Burke Montezuma's revenge isn't sweet; An owner of collies named Sue A young woman exclaimed, "Oh, my word!" I once knew a dog, Scooby Doo, While fixing my broken-down tractor, A bird-watching fellow named Ferd A lad from the land of the Kurds "My wife is so dumb," said Bill Draper, This limerick's in praise of the turd, Flouncing upstairs in a hurry There was a young lady from Norway A vacationer named White, from Vancouver, Poor guy had to clean up his mess -- Here's how I keep it so tight--- An environmentalist, O'Boyle To prevent an intestinal block, A man turned his head to the sky "POO!", he said straining his gut,
This is file dhm
We scraped all his guts off the wall I just had gotten home from work; We washed him from head to his toes; I sure pity that loser named Leah; A lecher who lurked in the loo, Upon leaving the burial loo, That Tiddy is one clever chappy, There was an old gal from Cologne, There was an odd fellow named Jules, I bet on a mare that was dappled; A vintner who calls himself Stu I loathe all witch doctors of voodoo, The latter puts me in a fit, A guy of door-knocking religion A stringy food-faddist named Sprat, A gay young blade from Milano, There was an old man of Madrid, At the wedding, so nervous was Bart, Of perilous jobs there are few In Epsom I drank some strange salt. The bed in my cave's a real sight! A snuff-sniffing Turk said, "With ease, Came the Captain to Poland from France; The author writes words that do flatter. There was a young moron named Bobby, There once was a young man named Stu, This Skumbunny is on the mends; Not the ones that bring sweat to your pores, A bridge-playing lady, Miss Harte, There once was an old man from Crete A man cried out in distress: So the shorts in question were soiled? The councilman sat by the ocean, For some time those councilors tarried,
Was kinda strange I suppose.
He'd void his bowels
On white paper towels,
Then lift his dung to his nose.
--- Anon
Who took a very strong enema.
It blew out his guts,
All over his nuts,
So he won't take an enema any more.
--- G2718
Loved playing around with his shit.
He said "What most I do fear
Is the old diarrhea,
Which quite spoils the texture of it."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was an artist in sexual dirt.
She devotedly shat
In her shoes or her hat,
And wiped her backside with her shirt.
--- G1362
So I checked and "Oh No and Alas!"
I'd run on the lawn,
'Twas just after dawn,
And found some chien poo de grass.
--- Archie
Had a sick sense of humor, we've heard.
To get back at his aunts,
He shit in his pants,
And smeared the whole floor with his turds.
--- Anon
He could not trust his ring-piece at all.
When he sat in the loo,
It went slightly askew
And splattered some shit on the wall.
--- Nick Cheek
Who really had no scruples at all.
He would fart when he'd talk,
And shit when he'd walk,
And at night, throw it over the wall.
--- L0737
To the harlot, "I cannot affordia."
At which she got mad
And, with all that she had,
Started pelting his person with ordia.
--- Hugh Oliver A129B
Whose behavior was gross, vile, and stinky.
She'd dip her left tit
In warm polar bear shit,
Then wipe it all off with her pinky.
--- Anon
Wears the stinkiest shoes in Angola;
Though he works like all hell
To remove the bad smell,
He's too dumb to tell shit from Shinola.
--- Armand Singer
Who didn't know shit from Shinola.
He pined and he pined,
For his shoes were unshined,
When a hernia stopped up his hole-a.
--- G1347
Who fought with his arguments loud.
And he claimed right along
He could never do wrong;
When he shit in his pants, he was proud.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2187
But what of your choad? Is it new?
I'll suck it all dry,
Then piss in your eye.
If you'd kindly shit in me shoe.
--- Anon
Brand him as a low sort of jerk.
For he shits in the halls
Of the homes where he calls,
And scuffs it around with a smirk!
--- G1361
It'll make you throw up in the street.
And it proves super fast,
That Scott Tissue won't last
'Cause it quickly becomes a spreadsheet.
--- Poppo
Observed as she slipped on brown goo,
"I should be more cautious,
The odor is nauseous,
Though most humans don't, doggies do."
--- Armand E Singer 865
When she squishily stepped in a turd.
Her shoe was so airy,
She thought it was scary,
So she rapidly had it interred.
--- Anon
Who left great huge mountains of doo.
His owner said, "Oop!
I've forgotten the scoop!"
And walked on, with it stuck to his shoe.
--- Anon
I was mocked by an out-of-work actor;
So I picked up some dung,
Which at him I flung,
To distract a tractor detractor.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was indulging his hobby, I've heard;
When besmirched by Dumbo,
Twice the size of Jumbo,
And continued his watch undeterred.
--- Tom Patton P0202
Fell into a cave used by birds.
His friends laughed, "Good Lord, you're
All covered with ordure.
Clear up to your eyes in wet turds!"
--- Armand E Singer 206
"Saving money to her is a caper!
When she goes to the loo
And she makes a big poo,
She wipes with both sides of the paper!"
--- Clarence E Boyle P9003
The four-letter, forbidden word.
Ah the shape, o the smell,
It just makes my heart swell!
Embarrassed I dropped one? Absurd!
--- Armand E Singer 100
Groaned Abigail, "Ooh, I must hurry.
This petticoat fashion
Does nothing for passion;
Especially after that curry..."
--- Val Burns P0606
Who crawled on all fours through a doorway.
The door slammed shut
And pinched her butt,
And she shit all over the floorway.
--- G2245
Once toured that great dam known as Hoover.
The height of the site
Gave White such a fright,
His bowels did a spontaneous maneuver.
--- Anon
(It was much worse than Monica's dress!)
He said, "Ne'ermore will I
Ever climb up so high --
It's already caused me too much stress!"
--- Anon
Bathe it in champagne every night-
It's worth every nickel,
For those bubbles do tickle,
(And he says the taste is a delight!)
--- Anon
Gave her kids Ex-lax and castor oil.
She wanted her brood
To return all the food,
Directly back to the soil.
--- Tom Patton P9708a
I eat chillies, as fried in a wok.
And my bowels come alive
Every morning at five,
Though I don't wake till seven o'clock.
--- Rick O'Shay
And said, as a bird flew on high:
"This manifestation
Is God's great creation!"
But the bird dropped a turd in his eye.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1231
But his sphincter contracted and shut.
He tried once again
With considerable strain,
Till his bowels ripped asunder, KERSPLUT!!
--- Peter Wilkins
And we shovelled the shit from the hall.
Now all that remains
Are peculiar stains
And his sphincter which winks at us all.
--- Peter Wilkins
This really did happen, you jerk!
He plopped a huge shit,
And then played in it,
Which drove all us nurses berserk.
--- Cheryl
We thought that he smelled like a rose.
He said, "I smell shit!"
He was right, the dumb twit.
We'd forgotten the inside of his nose.
--- Cheryl
She has tried the whole pharmacopeia;
But the drugs never work
And the doctors just smirk,
When they spot those brown stains from diarrhea.
--- Armand Singer
Tried to teach two young ladies to screw.
But together they beat him
And chose to secrete him
Below in two feet of prime poo!
--- John Miller
The girls shouted, "Goodbye! Toodle-oo!
Now that your tush
Is really quite flush,
Who can you screw? Well, Screw You!
--- Arden
And on Jan 1, one of few who is happy.
While others are broke
And in debt are to soak,
He'll be sitting with cash in his nappy. (Brit for diaper)
--- Nawahl Razak
Who was chilled right down to the bone.
She sipped upon coffee
With a large chunk of Brie;
Now the poor soul lives on "the throne."
--- Pam Steadman TP9804
Right famous for green-colored stools;
Completely unnerved,
The doctors observed,
"The shade simply breaks all the rules."
--- Armand Singer
She won the big race, so I clappled
And did me a dance,
Until in my pants,
I found, with excitement I'd crappled.
--- Travis Brasell
Took a fancy to his corkscrew.
So he pierced a mole
Next to his asshole;
Now his shit comes out curlycue.
--- D Melton a
Despise con-men conning with hoodoo;
I hate all burnt toast,
But what I hate most
Is stepping in confounded doodoo!
--- Anon
There ought to be laws against it!
With crap on my shoe
There's not much to do,
Except to stand there and say, "Shit!"
--- Anon
Was blessed by an o'er-flying pigeon.
To himself, he muttered,
Then quietly sputtered
Some four-letter words...just a smidgen!
--- Anon
Wed a maid who was billows of fat.
After strenuous tries
At exposing her prize,
He farted so hard that he shat.
--- G0769
Was Count Galeazzo Ciano.
Safe from the wars,
He found that his drawers,
Contained rich deposits of guano.
--- L0723
Who went to an auction to bid.
In the first lot they sold,
Was an ancient commode;
And My God! When the lifted the lid!
--- L0719
That he pissed in his pants at the start.
When the priest spoke his bit,
He proceeded to shit,
And the nuptials were sealed with a fart.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1188
Like the one that I had at the zoo;
In the pachyderms' cage,
I flew into a rage,
Getting struck by an elephant's poo.
--- Cap'n Bean P0506
I admit it, it was my own fault.
Filled my glass to the brim
Then nipped down to the gym;
My mistake was attempting a vault.
--- Bill Wall
Kate looks like she lost a shit fight;
But she's been a dill,
To take sleeping pill
And laxative on the same night.
--- Anon
I can stifle an audible sneeze."
But one day in church,
His ass gave a lurch,
And he shit his pants, full to his knees.
--- Bob Florida
As the band played, he stood in a trance.
He was glutted on snails
Which had fouled his entrails;
He saluted and shit in his pants.
--- Albin Chaplin
I'm so happy I couldn't be gladder.
If fact, I'm so pleased,
My bowel just released,
So I sit in my own fecal matter.
--- Michelle
Who gathered up turds for a hobby.
He'd drop them in wells,
And in fashionable hotels,
He'd hide 'em in chairs in the lobby.
--- G1464a
Up whose big nose a fly flew.
He sneezed and he snorted,
But his efforts were aborted
When into his pants he did poo.
--- Ross Dunce
I'm sure it was just some ill winds,
Or too much coffee,
Milk, water or tea,
And just in case, I now have Depends.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Or that peel the shellac from the floors,
For aromas accursed,
The absolute worst
Are the ones that end up in your drawers.
--- MrMalo a
Proceeded her cheeks both to part,
And she tried to pass gas,
But a turd she did pass
Which finessed her right out of a fart.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1203
Who swallowed a plate of crabmeat.
"Holy Jehoshaphat!"
He said after he shat.
"Coming out, it feels like concrete."
--- Marlene
"I just can't seem to undress!
My zipper's is stuck,
It is just my luck,
And now my shorts are a mess!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And they needed burning or boiled.
But before you do, please,
The cure for a disease,
Could be what saves the whole woiled! (World)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Applying to skin, suntan lotion.
Discussing amen-
Ities funding, but then
A seagull flew over, passed a motion.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Although by the birds, they were harried.
They arose, the mayoress
Having missed on her dress.
The spot, thus the motion was carried.
--- Tiddy Ogg