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She got home, then spied it, expleted! I once strained to let out a squeal, When Bert at his job did arrive, Said Johnny with more than a sigh, A confident fellow was Ray, I asked the dry cleaners "Per chance, A queer who just loved rimming asses, A cute little girl they called Brie, There was a young girl from East Lansing, There once was a fellow named Glantz, There once a doggie named Scraps, There was a poor patient named Jules, There was a young artist named Saint, A recruit in the battle of Aix (jakes - privy, excrement)
There was a faith healer of Deal There's a problem in stadiums, friends. After eating a large bowl of prunes, I sat down to watch the World Cup, Do you double over in pain? There was a young lady named Skinner, There was an old fellow named Art, Chuck is weird, let the whole world know it. If you've eaten some food that's too ritz, There was a young fellow named Neal An incontinent fellow did not pass Long walks with my wife were fantastic, The coffee has given me gas, It seems there once was a young boy, A proper young lady named Rose A scribbler from Kalamazoo There once was a religious schism There once was a man; 'twas a Brit, There was an old psycho named Perkins I once had a dog name of Stains, Said a thoughtful young man of Des Moines, Infestations require fumigation There once was a handsome young punk Young Fred had a sensitive cock, A silly-assed Yankee named Franky Paula saw her best friend Wade There was an old wanker, a Cretan, And now, you just have to smile. Oh Bess, I now know your real need A bloke's a sad case; in a mess; Peter was obsessed with perfection; A weak-sphinctered lecher named Drum There was a young man from Crete, There are few things that Nature produces There was an old whore from Florence Ten men who were shipwrecked connived They sent to the lab to confirm The sperms that exuded, since Adam I give my sperms numbers not names; A learned young girl of Milan There once was a handsome young seaman, Stick your pole right through this knothole; A cynical dolly named Dunn Big John would do squiggles and wiggles; A mentulate bastard named Chisholm On his honeymoon sailing the ocean, An impotent fellow of Borden A spermatozoon, all alone, I recall a young man of Sorel Enough already, you insolent little worm! Young Scott, found his clientele's come, When Phil was a rentboy he'd mix
In tones both profane and quite heated.
But then with her Hoover,
And strong spot remover,
The motion at last was defeated.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But found that the fart was not real.
So I shifted my stance,
And looked in my pants,
To discover my previous meal.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
A stench in his pants came alive.
Remarked Jimmy, "My word,
Though it smells like a turd,
We will call it Chanel No. 5."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1187
"Just call me one unlucky guy;
I've shot my romance,
Soaked shirttail and pants --
A farting that wound up awry."
--- Armand E Singer 652
He smiled and broke wind and was gay.
But his smile turned out sickly
And he left rather quickly,
For he shit and he said, "Not my day."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1225
Could you get this stain out of my pants?"
When he asked "What is it?"
I replied, "It's just shit.
Your bowels shouldn't move when you dance."
--- T Arnold
Hated blokes who passed lots of waste gasses.
His had made a sound;
On inspection, he found
A small turd on the bridge of his glasses.
--- Ron
Ate fifty green peaches for tea.
Around dinner time
She farted a rhyme,
But one line ran on to her knee.
--- H Welchel
Who shit down her leg while dancing.
It slid down her nylon,
And left a great pile on
The floor upon which she was prancing.
--- G1380
Who on entering a toilet in France,
Was in such a heat
To paper the seat,
He shit right into his pants.
--- L0703
Whose butt lost control during naps.
Poor Scraps got no hug,
When mom saw on her rug,
That he slept in the turds that he craps.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Renowned for his deep-colored stools;
Said his doctors, "Vermillion
Is near one in a zillion,
And rainbow tints break all the rules."
--- Armand Singer
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum,
With a colorful lack of restraint.
--- Anon G1445
Who was trembling with quivers and quakes,
In fear for his life,
Amid all the strife,
Inadvertently went to the jakes.
--- R J Winkler P8406
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,
When, frightened by chance,
I unload in my pants.
I dislike what I fancy I feel.
--- L0691
That blimp, through the game never lands,
Yet the pilot eats bran
And unable to lan',
APERIENTly shit hits the fans.
--- Gary Hallock
I put on a tape of the Goons.
I suddenly laughed;
There's a fearsome noise aft!
Shit! There go my blue pantaloons.
--- Bill Wall
With a sandwich and fine ales to sup.
But a fart, followed through,
Doused the sofa in poo;
Missed the program whilst mopping it up.
--- Mark Wright TP9806
Find keeping it in a big strain?
Best make your goal
To stay on the bowl,
Or shorts will be covered in stain.
--- Arden
Who dreamt that her lover was in her.
She woke with a start,
And let a loud fart,
Which was followed by luncheon and dinner.
--- Norman Douglas L0729
Who awoke with a terrible start.
For down by his rump
Was a generous lump,
Of what should have been just a fart.
--- G1349
He brought in his bucket to show it.
We all had a fit
When we saw it was shit;
We didn't know he was to throw it.
--- VOL 7
And suddenly it feels like the pits;
And you just have to go,
Don't tarry too slow,
When you're having a run of the shits.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who ate nuts and bolts at each meal.
In the bathroom soon after,
He moved me to laughter,
When he would drop turds made of steel.
--- Eric Perlin
Any chance to socialize en-masse.
But invitations stopped quick
'Cause he could not predict
If 'twere solid, liquid, or gas.
--- Anon
Until her poor bowels went spastic;
The movements she'd spawn
Would mess up a lawn --
But now she wears heavy-gauge plastic!
--- Anon
And maybe some liquid to pass.
I'd better be quick
And finish this 'rick;
I hope it won't weep from my ass!
--- H Welchel
Played his foreskin like a new toy.
With a pull and twist,
Creamed over his fist,
Shit all over the bed in joy!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Soiled her pretty new clothes.
She parted her ass
To pass some trapped gas,
And blew shit from her head to her toes.
--- Gomez
Wrote stroke-books on sex for the zoo.
But his constant erection,
Caused so much ejection,
His pages were spattered with goo.
--- G2380
About blessing god with one's jism.
Some said it's a sin
To rub one's hands in:
A new prayer called annonism. (Onanism?)
--- Phil T
Who was into this cyber-sex shit.
Seems bloody awful to me,
That invariably,
He would come, not in squirts, but in bits.
--- Anon
Who owned a collection of jerkin's,
Some coming from cats
Or large rabid bats,
But mainly from other men's gherkins.
--- Armand E Singer 526
This is file dgm
Who liked to play in the rains.
I'd toss and he'd fetch;
We'd be such a mess;
My mother would yell, "Come Stains!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
"When I think of the fruit of my loins,
Either whitish or yellow,
It's hard for a fellow
To know if he's coming or going."
--- JG A050B
If they're insects in large aggregation.
For an excess of sperm
You need measures quite firm:
Copulation or else masturbation.
--- Jim Vandermeer P9402
With a prick like an elephant's trunk.
When this prick pachydermatous
Sprayed a shower of sperm at us,
You could bathe head to foot in the spunk.
--- G0426
But in Sydney he kept it in hock.
A trip to The Alice
Excited his phallus
And with semen he covered Ayres Rock.
--- Musicman
Would jerk off his cock in a hanky.
When he'd wipe off his nose,
Come would drip on his clothes,
So skanky old Franky got cranky.
--- Ward Hardman
Yanking his crank in the shade.
As he shot out his stream
She yelled, "Your's makes cream?
My Daddies just makes lemonade!"
--- Anon
Who tossed himself off to completion
Twice daily or more,
To create on his floor
An accretion of crusted secretion.
--- Peter Wilkins
The Cretan thought after a while,
The goo on the floor
Would harden for sure,
Cementing in his kitchen tile.
--- Marty
To swallow release of my seed.
This will cause you some stress,
Like cum-stains on your dress,
But there is no chance you will breed.
--- David Miller
On account of being married to Bess.
Pulled his dick out to bang her,
Then exploded in anger,
When he saw the cum-stains on her dress.
--- Rick O'Shay
His penis in constant erection.
Never settling for less,
And under great stress,
He dissolved in his own semen-ection.
--- Walter Rollin
Kept dribbling small samples of come,
But not only that --
Still wearing his hat;
That's most prematurely, in sum.
--- Armand E Singer 896
Who could jerk himself off in the street.
A chemist named Kelly
Collected the jelly
And sold it as extract of meat.
--- Anon
With the kick of man's genital juices.
But besides making kiddies
In concupiscent biddies,
The stuff has but few other uses.
--- Grand Prix Lim 675 G1709
Who picked up a sailor named Lawrence.
She fiddled and fucked him
And then let loose and sucked him,
And his semen flowed seaward in torrents.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To find food until searchers arrived.
Nine had morals and pride
And these poor fellows died;
But the cocksucker, Pierre, he survived.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1252
What they found near a fossilized worm.
In fact, 'twas not quartz,
'Neath those calcified shorts,
But ejaculate! Crystallized sperm!
--- Anon
Extruded Load One in his Madam,
Would fill the Atlantic...
Though the stuff leaves 'em frantic,
Gals are still glad, by God, Adam had 'em.
--- Grand Prix Lim 129 P8207
It easier to yell in sex games,
"Go, all 300M!
Get inside that femme!"
Tell me that doesn't confuse the dames.
--- Saint
Said fruit has its place in God's plan.
And the juice is divine,
But there's nothing so fine,
As the juice that you squeeze from a man.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0267
Who with ladies was really a demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He certainly could dish out the semen.
--- L0343
Some babe will make you lose control.
She'll milk the whole lot
Of sperm that you've got
And carry it off in a bowl.
--- Marlene Lewis
Said, "The shot in a guy's zipper gun
Is ghastly: when plastered
It loads you with bastard,
And fucks up what started as fun."
--- G1653
When shooting his sperm often fizzles.
Said his lover, "It's fun,
But man, load your gun.
When you come in trickles, it tickles."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Was sure he had reached the abysm,
For although the whore
Kept asking for more,
He was kokshut and clean out of jism. (used up, worn out)
--- A N Wilkins P8801
The Scotsman displayed great emotion,
When he learned, one fine day,
He'd been fucking away,
What could have been bottled as lotion.
--- L1501
Was accused by a lady of hoardin'
His spermatozoa
(Although she love moa,
The cute little things they were stored in).
--- Keith MacMillan 30b
Divided, and he and his clone,
Went forth, intramural,
Not single, but plural.
Together, they made a maid moan.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who could cause his saliva to gel;
And whenever he came
He could just do the same
With his seminal fluid as well.
--- Keith MacMillan 45b
None of us here believe that our sperm
Could sell for that money;
You're not even funny;
You're no brighter than a muck-sucking germ!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Would also go nicely with rum.
Each morning and night,
He got himself tight,
With the excess that oozed from his bum.
--- Vic Johnson
The semen from clients and fix
A salty whipped cream
To pour on Jim Beam
And drink it at six just for kicks.
--- Anon
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