The white missionary George Dickentwats
Was sent to enlighten the Hottentots.
His missionary zeal
And resolve, strong as steel,
Explains the large group of MULLATTO tots.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

The lady from Wheeling's an aunt.
Her niece was born somewhat aslant.
She has extra eyes,
But that's no surprise,
Down wind from Dow Chemical's plant.
--- Larry Davis P8507

A descendant of Vasco Da Gama
Overcmae a sun bather in Palma.
In the general confusion
He performed a transfusion...
And today Palma has a new mama.
--- Grand Prix Lim 900

Though she looks upon sex as unclean,
Scores of satyrs have mounted Miss Bean.
Each time that she's weakened,
She's found herself fecund,
And her bastards now number sixteen.
--- G1728

The lady from Thun quite agrees:
"Strange liasons don't always please;
The man came too soon,
And I, late last June,
Gave birth to a wedge of green cheese."
--- Ed Potts P8507

Genealogists Martin and Rowens
Had no problems researching the Bowens,
But pursuing the lines
Of the Cedars and Pines,
Amid all the Pines they found Cohens. (pine cones)
--- Loren Fitzhugh

A seamstress divulged 'midst her sobbin'
She'd been pricked by a tailor named Robin.
The result of her sins
Was a paper of pins,
And some red and white thread on a bobbin.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1720

Baby Bonus in Canada's grand,
But Quebec makes a greater demand.
When a horny Quebecker
Sticks his wife with his pecker,
The taxes go up through the land.
--- Albin Chaplin

McCaughey's made a contribution,
The first time in man's evolution.
As they beget
A new septet,
They are guilty of heir pollution.

(live septuplets born 1997)
--- Tom Patton P9801

A feckless young swimmer named Herman
Got hitched to his own cousin German.
They had several kids
With pretty bad ids,
Two sex fiends, one whore, and a merman.
--- Armand E Singer 528

Said a father, from near Metabechouan,
To his son, "I just wanted to let you on
To a secret, you slug --
You are now on the rug
That your mother and I did beget you on."
--- Keith MacMillan 40c

A fertile young housewife named Scott
Had youngsters all over the lot.
Her organs proliferous,
Abnormally oviferous,
Sure helped tax deductions somewhat.
--- Armand E Singer 266

A nubile young maiden from Weir
Complained that her stomach felt queer.
It grew fatter and fatter
Up until she begat her
Unwanted third kid in a year.
--- Armand E Singer 118

A real virile fellow from Needham
Had sixteen fat brats -- could he breed 'em! --
But he let them all croak,
Saying, "Damn it, I'm broke;
I see no good reason to feed 'em!"
--- Armand E Singer 764

There was a young fellow of Brum,
When told that his baby had come,
Danced 'round with great glee,
Till they said that there's three!
And he then looked exceedingly glum.
--- Illustrated Lims P9604

As his wife dropped her twenty-third kid,
The lazy hillbilly named Tidd
Said, "It seems kind of silly
I would do that to Tillie,
And I wonder, sometimes, if I did?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 226

There was a young man called Carruther,
Who had twins by a surrogate mother.
At the moment of birth,
She pulled in her girth
And out popped two more from his brother.
--- Rick Limmer T9711

Watch out for that babe in Madrid
Who claims that you fathered her kid...
Since you've rumpled most beds,
And the kid has two heads,
It's dollars to doughnuts, you DID!
--- Grand Prix Lim 461

To his wife sneered a satyr named Strothers,
Who had umpteen more kids than her brothers,
"Though maybe you've prayed
I'd let you be spayed,
I intend to make dozens of others."
--- Armand E Singer 216

We've got all the new sex devices!
You can taste-test pussy in slices!
We've hooters and cooters,
Inflatable pooters!
At everyday, low, Wal-mart prices!
--- Anon

There was a young man of Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
'Twas a mine of gold,
The stock being sold
By Merril Lynch, Fenner & Beane.
--- G2193

There once was a Swedish inventor named Dag,
Who built a contraption that knew how to shag.
In a manner obscene
He was sucked into the machine,
And nothing was left but his balls and some cream!

(...but some hair and his bag.)
--- G2017a

In order to earn some subsistence
A couple led separate existence.
They had duplicates made
By the best in the trade,
And each other they screwed at long distance.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1908

Duct tape? It will work in a pinch
By covering up that last inch,
So no stray gamete
Will leak from my meat;
When yanked off, I'll holler and flinch.
--- Randog

Not only for taping a duct,
It's the product so often I've plucked,
When lacking protection,
For my raging erection,
And needing its help to get fucked.
--- Hugh Clary

I know very well how a man
Who has to just do what he can;
Yet why dress your length
In industrial strength,
When there's always a box of Saran.
--- John Miller

Come and see our French goods - you can try 'em.
Fit them on for right size when you buy 'em.
Strong, smooth, and reversible,
The thinnest dispersible;
Any odd shape you need, we supply 'em.
--- Anon G0111

Try our Rubber Girlfriend (air inflatable),
Perennially young (quite insatiable).
Our satisfied clients,
From midgets to giants,
Say she's incrediblely sexy and mate-able.
--- Anon G0112

None could better our sex limousine,
With its neat, built-in Fucking Machine.
Diesel-powered, this connects
To suit either sex,
And adjusts to the fat and the lean.
--- Anon G0113

The wealthy old man from Racine
Who invented the fucking machine
Said, "One thing made it sell
So remarkedly well --
The endorsement it got from the Queen."
--- A N Wilkins P8507

The newest last line to "Racine,"
Is up-to-date, apt, and it's clean;
No scansion, no rhymes,
But it fits modern times:
"Allow six weeks for delivery. Wisconsin residents

add 7% sales tax. Batteries not included".
--- Ed Potts P8507

A broke Western bar owner, Mull,
Just changed his mechanical bull
From a bucking machine
To a fucking machine,
And now every night, he's full.
--- Anon

In the year 2121
Computer sex has begun.
You'll have a peripheral
To provide the visceral
Emotions that make sex such fun.
--- Puff Adder

This is file del

In the year 2222
People will no longer screw.
They'll take a pill
For an orgasmic thrill.
You won't need me nor I you.
--- Puff Adder

In the year 4444
Men will use an electronic whore.
Her vagina will hum
And analyze your come,
So that your DNA can be stored.
--- Puff Adder

In the year 4646
A robot with multiple pricks
Will achieve the goal:
To plug every hole,
All at once in a single trick
--- Puff Adder

In the year 5353
People will find it hard to see.
Sister and Brother
Will look like each other,
As their genital organs atrophy.
--- Puff Adder

In the year 6868
People will start to ponder their fate.
Men will be blue
And women too.
Big Brother says sex not so great.
--- Puff Adder

In the year 6969
As if from heaven there came a sign;
The act that signifies
Will not be denied.
They start a practice from an early time.
--- Puff Adder

In the year 7010
People will start fucking again.
Women in bed,
Legs open and spread.
Power to the Penis, let men be men!
--- Puff Adder

An electric inventor named Gene
Perfected a fucking machine.
In a horrible manner,
It grabbed his banana,
And all that was left was a scream!
--- G2017

While making a sperm-bank deposit,
A gay said, "I do it because it
Feels wonderfully keen
To be blown by machine,
Instead of some queen in a closet."
--- Norm Storer

Surveillance -- a terrible thing.
But I've got the means for a fling.
These nano-implanties,
Just drop in your panties
And shortly you'll feel a small zing.
--- H Welchel

We'll have cyber clit-cock connect
That runs on when we both are erect.
As I rub my tip,
Your clit feels the grip
Of five tiny fingers, Purr-fect.
--- H Welchel

They'll build you a nano-scale net
Of neural transducers all set
To transpond with mine.
They'll live in your spine;
From waist-down strange feelings we'll get.
--- H Welchel

When Jed screwed a horse made of plastic,
The ranch hands exclaimed, "Ain't that drastic?
With the real thing in sight
And the cows free all night?"
"But these mares won't run, they're fantastic!"
--- Actaeon

My friends, if from sex you're refraining,
The vibrators and dildoes are gaining.
Though computers we master,
The machines can fuck faster,
And we spend our whole lives in retraining.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2195

It appears the Machine Age was gaining
On the whores of a madam named Blaining.
The machines could fuck faster
And new tricks did they master,
So the whores were sent out for retraining.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1527

There was a young man from Biloxi
Who did all his screwing by proxy.
His girlfriend, how sad,
Was equally bad,
She got hers by douching with Moxie.
--- G2086

The sex-toy we tried was a hooter;
Its gender, they tell me, was neuter.
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you stick in your staff.
It tickles the spunk from your shooter.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

A girl with high morals, Miss Ewing,
Said sex would not be her undoing.
She felt good when she sneezed
And it left her so pleased,
That she used it in place of a screwing.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1853

Why not make love to a machine?
The best sex substitute ever seen.
Users say that it's great.
Send $10.98
To Novelties, Box 10, Racine.
--- A N Wilkins P8703

Doll manufacturers I'm urgin';
Their profits most surely would burgeon.
Much cash they'd be takin'
From vicars by makin'
Some sex-dolls of Mary the Virgin.
--- Tiddy Ogg

And Catholic priests? They could toy
All week with a rubber-doll boy;
Though God only knows if
They'd go for a Joseph
Or Jesus for ultimate joy!
--- Peter Wilkins

I got a reply to my rhymin',
From Rubberoid manager, Simon.
"It sounds good to me,
But problems I see
To make a renewable hymen."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Are you elderly, sex-starved or lonely?
We can help you, Just write "Tone Me."
At Gateshead-on-tyne
We stock every line
Of sex aid--best quality only.
--- G0110

Long ago, some depraved good-old-boys
Feeling kinky, praised wind-up sex toys.
"You need strong hands to wind 'em;
Then pause 'fore you grind 'em;
Snapped mainsprings have made guys lose poise!"
--- Allen Wolverton

I have one of those toys in a drawer
To play with, behind a closed door.
I just use it only
When I'm feeling lonely
And in need of a little "amour".
--- Jeanie

I fantasize, tugging my pride;
A live one's much better astride;
But if someone should knock
On the door, say, ad hoc,
A boy-toy is harder to hide!
--- Allen Wolverton

A serious young fellow of Lerdes
Concluded that talk was for birds;
For no word will replace
What the eye can embrace,
And a picture's worth one thousand words.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2168

Pedantic Professor MacNeal
A learned remark did reveal --
Although pictures do please,
Yet one thousand of these
Will not match what one gets from a feel.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2169

However a fellow named Chase
Remarked that though feels have their place,
His thinking reveals
It takes one thousand feels,
Just to equal a fucking embrace.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2170

The inventor bent down in a crouch
And said (holding his testicle pouch)
"I forgot that my lawn
Mowing robot called Dawn
Had those spring-loaded pussy-flaps. Ouch!"
--- Anon

A little old man from Rangoon
Kept coming in bed much too soon.
It always caused strife
'Tween him and his wife.
"You might as well screw a balloon!"
--- Marlene Lewis

One night by the light of the moon,
He vanished, despite the monsoon.
He came back with an ape
With a bum like a grape,
"Oh sorry! Did you say BALLOON?"
--- Indiana Millwart

Three little old men from St. Paul
Had weiners exceedingly small.
I'd not know what to say
When they asked me one day,
"Can we borrow your Barbie Doll?"
--- Marlene Lewis