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When I'm horny, my scrotum's so bloated Flo gave my cocked pistol a tease I can't decide who wins the prize, Urinals of some shapes and sizes A sage said, "To walk is pedestrian, There's no loo in the house where I dwell; A well-to-do Polack was Schnops -- Don't go through my bathroom drawers, please! "Just what are you doing, Herr Strauss?" The lightning that came down the wall, I awoke last night in my bed, They're using the sound of the flush If importance of structures we trace; A Latvian cleaner called Clitt, Advice from a sailor named Ted; When the fates are determined to spoil it, The farmer his horses had haltered Whenever your brain turns to mush, There was an old Bishop of Die Said Mary, the outspoken hen: There was a young girl from Nantucket, A men's room frequented by girls? I once knew a girl called Sue I did take her to lunch in Mount Shasta; While sitting down here on the seat, At first, I did not deprecate, It's fish and chips that's the blame. There was a poor fellow named Rake (jake must be version of john - McW)
In his septic tank fell Mr. Hurd; A desperate fellow named Pitt A plumber I'm certainly not; At the office, a fellow named Ewing, I find anniversaries neat; When you get up off of this seat, Photography is what I do, This hot little babe's in the queue A man who lived in a loo, My counsel, should you need to rent On the can is a good place to read Now 15-odd miles of rough road, It's very distressing to me In order to shorten the stasis No matter which language you speak, There was a young fellow named Ace, There was an old man of Dundee (W.C. - water closet, British for toilet)
The outhouse on my grampa's farm The dame was a poor round-heeled bimbo; I employed a Lee, a young plumber, Sue Ann is a little bit nervous, These chalets 'de necessite' I'd like to write big words like you, I've done it -- what a sensation! McLean was my very good friend This girl who, I think, was a Russian, If you are a Polack type Pole, On this toilet seat I must sit There's a tight-boweled loser named Doane, I love it when old nature calls; When one eats those foods that are hot, I've finished re-painting my loo Here's scatological wit, Historians never will quit May the fame of Archduchess Eliza TO LET, said a sign in Shanghai Would bawdier verse be more fitting? Through the hole Grandad dropped a half-buck, She screamed as he opened the door.
That often my balls have been noted
To produce such a plethora
Of liquid, together a
Large ship and its crew could be floated.
--- Hugh Clary
Then polished the barrel with ease.
With sensual vigor,
She pull my hair trigger.
Her entrails now hang from the trees.
--- Randog
For telling the best of these lies.
'Cause all four of you
Know that a good screw
Has nothing to do with cock size.
--- Carol
Can oft cause one nasty surprises;
However one slashes
They viciously splashes,
One back down the front of one's trisers.
--- Anon
And riding a horse is equestrian.
But stay in one spot
And sit on the pot.
And you might call yourself aspidistrian."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
You cannot detect any smell.
So when we have to go,
If you really must know,
The neighbors do know us quite well.
--- Anon
The shithouse he lived in was tops --
A two-holer converted,
Like new, he asserted,
And the basement was leased to some Wops.
--- Phil Cannibal P8908
Though these new ones open with ease.
The stuff that falls out
Would cause you to shout,
"Good Hell! The poor woman's a sleaze!"
--- Marlene Lewis
The queen asked while doffing her blouse.
"I'm shaving my face,"
He said to her grace.
"You'll have the best seat in the house."
--- World Bst Drty Lims P0101
Knocked Mrs. Jones out in the hall.
Threw her off the pot,
But I think she got
Her pants up before the fire call.
--- Anon
With a grandiose scheme in my head.
For ascending Mt Everest,
But it wasn't my cleverest,
So I went to the bathroom, instead.
--- Graham Lester
To cover for ladies who blush.
While using the loo,
They use it on cue,
So people can't hear when they gush.
--- Anon
For worship we build a strong case.
But the way we have reckoned,
Cathedrals come second,
For the shithouse will take the first place.
--- Albin Chaplin
Takes care of the odor of shit.
Just pour in a cap
After taking a crap,
Brush, flush, and swirl, that is it!
--- Anon
"Take care when you use the ship's head;
It's for turds and for pees
But in real stormy seas,
You're apt to fall in it instead."
--- Armand E Singer 595
There's never a human can foil it;
Like, an item that's dropped
In the bathroom will opt
To always fall down in the toilet.
--- Anon
And went to the privy, but faltered.
When he lost all control,
He fell into the hole,
And he found that his future was altered.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1202
Just sit there, say nothing, yes, hush!
And if you're in doubt
Of thoughts that leak out,
Reach back, grab the handle, and flush.
--- Travis Brasell
Who never could figure out why
When done with his shit,
And the lever was hit,
His toys disappeared. And he'd cry.
--- Dennis M Hammes
"Those cubicles feel like a pen."
"The rest rooms for ladies,"
Say Joans, Jills and Sadies,
"We want urinals just like the men."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206
Who peed in a galvanized bucket.
This warm pee, plus some dung,
Out the window she flung,
And near passersby had to duck it.
--- Anon
Those adorable creatures with curls?
I think we should know
Where this men's room is so
We can visit and see what unfurls.
--- Anon
Who once got stuck to the loo.
It was such a sight
To see her in her plight,
As I had smothered the seat with glue.
--- Anon
Oatmeal cookies, much beer, lots of pasta;
A bit later, she moaned,
She squirmed and she groaned:
"Oh my luv, I'll "go" where I hasta!"
--- Anon
Your pants fallen down to your feet,
You hope that the smell
Doesn't travel too well,
Not wanting to be indiscreet.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But must I just wait, wait, and wait?
So please leave the john
And do it anon.
Thirty minutes to just defecate?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Fry fat floats on water. The same
for greasy old turds.
But mark now my words:
It's best to set floaters aflame.
--- H Welchel
Who fell through the hole in a jake;
Deep immersed in wet turds,
He cried, "It's for the birds!
Sweet God! If this don't beat the cake!"
--- Armand E Singer 576
And his wife fell in too, how absurd.
In their will they had stated
That they should be cremated,
But it seems that they both were interred.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1208
Went into the men's room to sit.
But his squirms in the stall
Produced nothing at all,
Except for this fragment of wit.
--- Paul R Chernoff a
At carpentry I'm not too hot.
I can't fix your drains;
I don't have the brains.
You'll just have to keep your old pot.
--- Anon
His boss out of work he was screwing.
On the toilet he'd sit
Simply taking a shit,
For there he knew what he was doing.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2035
I read them when making excrete.
I learn something new
While pinching a poo,
But laughter incurs a wet seat.
--- H Welchel
This is file dbm
With your trousers still down by your feet,
Look down in the bowl
And be a good soul.
Use the brush and leave the place neat.
--- Bob Mornington
When I'm not in this limerick stew.
But I've been heard to mutter,
As I click off my shutter,
"Oh Damn! Left my film in the loo!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
That's lined up to satisfy you.
She's gonna be mad
Because she's been had --
She thinks it's the line for the loo.
--- Anon
Had a head all covered in poo.
He'd have a quick brush
As the toilet went flush,
But he didn't take kindly to spew.
--- Bezz
A port-a-pot. Money's well spent
If you check to make sure
Its use folks can endure,
Only if the structure has a vent.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0508
The verse of the limerick breed,
Since they often contain
A disgusting refrain;
It's a natural setting, indeed!
--- Cap'n Bean P9812
Ain't good when you're gonna explode...
We're back now from town,
But the car seat is brown;
I think I must find a commode.
--- Anon
To only have one place to pee.
So company's out
Because they all pout --
The half-bath has no door, you see.
--- Anon
And avoid wearing painful knee braces,
Do not read magazines
When you visit latrines;
Shit, wipe and see how the time races!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Refrain from attempting to peek,
With a curious glance
Towards another man's pants,
At the urinals, taking a leak.
--- Cap'n Bean P9911
Who called his pet potty his dais;
He sat on his throne,
His veriest own,
And basked in an aura of grace.
--- Armand Singer
Whose bowels were not very free.
They gave him a mixture
Which kept him a fixture
For weeks on the W.C.
--- Anon
With two holes, was cozy and warm.
It was there we sat
To visit and shat
And not once did we come to harm.
--- Marty TP9807
As she stood there, her arms were akimbo:
Her coin in the slot
For the use of the pot,
Made her wish that she'd practised the limbo.
--- Anon
To fix all my plumbing last summer.
Switch the boiler on,
It flushes the john.
When sat on, this is a real bummer.
--- Kitty A
And some would say, just a bit perverse.
She goes to the loo,
And what does she do?
She's asking for some public service.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0609
Improved in a quite basic way,
(Many vents, so I've heard),
By a great Royal Turd,
Will be opened on Saint Swithin's Day.
--- G1382
But I'm afraid I know but a few.
These limericks seem dotty,
As I sit on my potty.
Don't believe me?...then pull up a pew.
--- Anon
The perfect limerickal creation.
Painstakingly slow,
The making did go;
Now my toilet needs resuscitation.
--- Gearhart TP9807
Till his cistern once needed a mend.
Thinking to oil it,
He stood on the toilet--
And now he's McLean 'round the bend!
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Turned red and was actually blushin'.
The door was unlocked,
And she was unfrocked.
When I barged through the door, she was flushin'.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The tissue goes over the roll.
So if it goes under,
To offset the blunder,
You sit upside down on the bowl.
--- Irving Superior P8909
And I try hard to just take a shit.
Reading crap on the walls,
Scraping crabs off my balls,
The good life - you know, this is it!!!
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
Who quite endlessly chats on the phone,
While taking a shit,
But hates to admit,
He's called King of the Hemorrhoid Throne.
--- Armand Singer
The plop of a turd as it falls.
And with every lump,
We men have to jump,
Avoiding the splash on the balls.
--- John Miller
Take heed of the one tip I've got:
Beware of your colon,
Whenever you're strollin';
You shouldn't stray far from the pot.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In a mixture of yellow and blue.
Many thanks for advice,
But I dropped the paint twice,
And I'm stuck to the seat now like glue.
--- Anon
When in an outhouse you sit.
In case you're the type
Who after you wipe,
Looks down to survey the ... pit.
--- Bob Birch P9806
Praising accomplishments that fit.
For man's comfort, like Crapper,
Whose toilet is dapper
And a good way to get rit of shit.
--- Dad
Outlive that of Pope and of Kaiser!
She has placed a pierced chair
In the pissotiere;
Now one's bowels need no longer play miser.
--- G1381
At a place I'd guess no one would buy.
And those who replied
Would never abide
By a TOILET sign, missing the "I".
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P8704
Shall I mimic what I read while sitting?
In a booth all alone
On a porcelain throne,
Twitting, clitting, and titting?
--- Anon
And then swore "Dammit! That's just my luck!"
He tossed in a crisp fin, (slang for five dollar bill)
Rolled his sleeves, reached right in,
Saying "NOW it's worthwhile stirring muck."
--- Anon
He in turn began to implore.
"If coyish are you
When using the loo,
Well dearest, that's what locks are for."
--- Swings TP9806
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