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Miss Nomer and Miss Anthropy Said Wilbur Wright: "Oh, this is handy, It used to be my understanding A most innocent tourist named Dan Sitting on the toilet's for thinkers Their marriage had moved to a SCISSION; Relieved after heaving and strain, Your feces is no calling card, My toilet now requires a clean, This little throne we call our own I prided myself, when quite young, Our halfbath is covered in scrawls, There's a box full of pens on the tank; With a sigh, said a stately old dean If the toilet has a brown ring How many times must I tell you, To sit on a hospital toilet, Your limerick brought to the fore If your seat is never in sync, If you use this pot, heed my word. In the restroom, the walls are real slick; Been locked in the outhouse all day, Leave it, my friend -- be so smart -- I've heard of this floating turd caper; I've had some fine hours in the loo The toilets are dirty as hell. Parsely will give you the runs, I live in a house that has got If your shit is sticky old mush -- No matter how much you do flush, At home, in the toilet you'll find me, A collection of stories absurd I was told that in Turkey, the loo My Goodness! That technique is awesome! In other lands, bathrooms are funny; There once was a gal from Mizzoo A drunk staggers to confessional, The priest just coughed, took a breather; They call him Old Outhouser Bob; A wee, PARSIMONIOUS Scot When camping and Charmin you lack, There was an old Bishop of Hype You finish with a push and a groan; I know and you just want to sob, I'm familiar with this sordid mess; Of course, there was also no soap, In chivalrous days long ago, Old man Rabelais once did declare, Good old Rabelais chanced to peruse, I've told you girls once not to sob There's a need for improved toilet papers No ass-wiping paper had Solly, You reach out, there's no paper there. There's only one thing left to do, Oh No! Why spoil a good shoe; When your sphincter nips off the last issue, For the union the rules were first class The ruble has lost its old clout; For the Russians, I think I have found A nearsighted drunkard named Dan Here's a good rule to live by: Bathrooms have points of contention: Toilet paper's expensive for sure, The "Sun" in one's bum? Are you sure? I'm papering walls in the loo, There was an old soldier named Schmitt,
Crossed their legs while they queued for a pee.
Said Charity, "Dearest,
I think I am nearest."
Anne Anthropy raised her Uzi...
--- Lucy
But Orville, you must understand, we
Have discovered all right,
The secret of flight --
The question is -- where can the can be?"
--- Arthur Deex P9911
That a minute is fixed, not expanding.
But it's not cut and dried:
It depends on which side
Of the locked bathroom door you are standing.
--- H Myers
Used a bidet he thought was the can;
He shifted his gigot (leg of lamb)
To turn on the spigot,
And that's when the shit hit the fan.
--- Armand E Singer 749
(Also for too-much-Guiness drinkers),
But the one thing I've found
(And my research is sound)
Is the ones that smell worse, are the sinkers.
--- Cheryl
She was no longer "Love's Vision."
While he evermore
Would wet bathroom floor,
'Cause he couldn't pee with precision.
--- Chris Papa
And flushing it all down the drain.
Ain't it faintly absurd
When a solitary turd
Bobbles up to the surface again.
--- Peter Wilkins
To leave here in piles by the yard.
If the bowl's brown and spotty,
Use the brush by the potty.
You're booted if you disregard.
--- TuttaGioia
As you can see where I've been.
All around the bowl
Where I missed the goal;
To some, it would look obscene.
--- Funny Bone
And we try to keep it neat.
So please be kind
With your behind,
And don't shit on the seat.
--- Anon
In the knowledge that I was well-hung.
But the pride turned to shame
And the loo was to blame
When the end of it dragged in the dung.
--- John Miller
Graffiti's all over its walls.
We ask every guest
To give it their best,
But please just to write in the stall.
--- Karen
You'll read clever things while you wank.
There's a limerick or two
To read while you poo.
No fan though, so sometimes it's rank.
--- Karen
(Respectable, bearded and clean),
"Long ago, when still youthful,
I would write, to be truthful,
Obscentities in the latrine."
--- Isaac Asimov
When you're finished doing your thing,
Use the brush; get brushing.
The sight is disgusting.
Your praises that trail won't sing.
--- Gearhart
To wipe the seat when you're through!
If you cannot refrain
From causing light rain,
Then the key to the bathroom, I'll lose.
--- Anon
One must take the seat off and then boil it,
To kill off the germs,
And wash off the sperms,
And other foul stuff that may soil it.
--- Jayne a
The things behind the toilet door.
It's truly disgusting
To imagine them crusting,
And dripping on down to the floor.
--- Jayne
Smarmy with man-piss and stink,
You just nail it down,
And turn him around.
Better he piss in the sink.
--- H Welchel
(Although some may find it absurd.)
You've cleaned up your tush?
Then USE THE DAMNED BRUSH!
The rest shouldn't look at your turds.
--- Rusty Smith
It will take the starch out of your dick!
Most graffiti don't last;
They just slide down the plast-
er; the floor is where nothin' won't stick!
--- Anon
'Cause Pa locked the door all the way.
I'm up to my knees
In spiders and fleas;
I can't even kneel down to pray.
--- Anon
Just as clean as when you did start.
First you flush, flush and flush;
If it fails, use the brush.
Leave it a guess: shit or fart?
--- Jesper Sloth
You want it to vanish to vapour.
But it keeps coming back,
So just give it a whack,
And flush it with some toilet paper.
--- Jayne
When I'd dragged in a warm lass or two.
But though I did well,
Because of the smell,
They requested a change of venue.
--- John Miller
I guess it will take time to tell
If what grows there walks,
Or just sits and talks,
About all of the things it can smell.
--- Marlene Lewis
Unless its been blest by the nuns,
Or by an old monk.
Many toilets have stunk
'Cause people have shat tons and tons.
--- Anon
Some things that working are not.
I flush the loo
To get rid of my poo,
But it keeps floating back to the top
--- Anon
So tacky it barely will flush --
And clings to your hole,
And sticks to the bowl,
For Christ's sake, USE THE DAMNED BRUSH!
--- H Welchel
That thing that came out of your tush
Just keeps going round;
But some TP I've found,
Will do wonders to give it a push.
--- Arden
Having printed the page you assigned me;
As I hold it before me,
I confess that you bore me,
So, soon I will have it behind me.
--- Hugh Clary
Is known as the Lord's Holy Word.
But a much better use
For the Good Book abstruse
Would be cleaning up splatters of turd.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0960
Has no TP, so what do you do?
There's a sponge and a bowl
Full of water (how droll)
For a wet-wipe right after you poo.
--- Barbara Tepper
This is file dam
For messed cracks -- just wash 'em and floss 'em.
But what would you do
If some nut before you,
When through with the sponge, would just toss 'em?
--- Travis Brasell
For paper you first must pay money.
If you can't buy a bit
Before you go shit,
Your ass will be smelly and runny.
--- Michael Weinstein P8604
Who cried, "What's a woman to do?
The cat, with its caper,
Shredded all the T-paper,
And I can't reach the spare from the loo!"
--- Anon
Opens door, as priest waits sessional,
But when nothing's said,
Priest takes in his head
That he should act quite discretional.
--- Daniel Ford
Still no response, which made him a seether.
When he knocked at crate:
"No use knockin', mate.
There's no paper in this one either!"
--- Daniel Ford
He claims man's best friend is the cob.
When turds are the issue,
He sneers at soft tissue;
He sure knows what best does the job.
--- Armand Singer
Said, "Since a nice clothesline we've got,
Let's not in our haste
Toilet paper waste,
When the wind can dry out the lot.
--- Chris Papa
Experience has proven this fact:
Using holly by golly
May be utter folly,
But IT sure beats poison sumac.
--- Anon
who succumbed to a terminal wipe;
First he sparkled and glowed,
Then we watched him explode
As his diaper went hyper with tripe.
--- Dennis M Hammes
You're sitting there high on the throne,
When you turn and see
There's no paper T.
What's worse is you're home all alone.
--- Azul
When you've done one heck of a job;
Now listne Azul,
You need by your stool
A dry Southern-style old corn cob! (two red, one white)
--- Travis Brasell
It's happened to me, I confess,
At a petrol stop loo.
What was I to do?
I washed at the basin, God bless.
--- Liam na Beag
So my left hand had slime and no hope
Of being inside
The rest of the ride.
I was feeling that I was a dope.
--- Liam na Beag
When paper one had to forego,
The grass one employed;
Although not enjoyed.
It had to have helped the grass grow.
--- Matthew Montchalin
That for ass-wipe, there's nothing so fair
As the neck of a goose,
But don't let him get loose,
Lest his beak gets you hung like a mare!
--- Anon
For an arse-wipe, what's optimum use?
He said: "Folks, I do swear,
Nothing else can compare,
With the soft, downy neck of a goose!
--- Anon
When there's no TP there for the job;
Now here's my advice:
The crack wipe device
You need is a trusty corn cob.
--- Travis Brasell
That are more than just physical scrapers,
But would cleanly dispatch
Every glutinous patch,
While absorbing the odourous vapours.
--- Alex Heydon P0508
He decided thus, in his folly,
To make use of leaves
As in Adam and Eve,
But he wished that he hadn't used holly.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In panic you search for a spare.
But the kids took their toll;
There isn't a roll.
What to do now's a scary affair...
--- John Miller 0304
While sitting in that stinky loo:
Just pull off your sock
To clean out the schlock,
Then shove it right back in your shoe.
--- Pilar
Here's a way you can clean up that poo:
Take your underwear off,
(It makes a good cloth)
Then leave the whole mess in the loo.
--- Barbara Tepper
And you reach for a handful of tissue,
And then comes the dawn --
The last sheet is gone! --
"Oh tissue, do I ever missue!!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 46
As the leaders new terms did amass.
Though a man could still sit
And take time for a shit,
He did not have to wipe his own ass.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1992
It's enough to make everyone pout...
The cost of T.P.
For a family of three,
Just wipes the whole lot of them out.
--- Ogni Gioia
A solution that's basically sound.
If TP is scarce,
Then don't wipe your arse;
Just wear some shorts that are brown.
--- Puff Adder
Found a church in his search for the can.
The priest in confession
Heard this indiscretion:
"Any paper on your side, old man?"
--- Don Moore P9305a
Of tissue, keep ample supply --
It's not just benign
That from your clothes line,
You Hang T.P. out to dry.
--- TuttaGioia
Direction of roll dissension --
From back or from front,
The end you must hunt,
It's off in a different dimension.
--- Darryl
So newspapers have their allure.
I've got just the one!
I'll send them the "Sun",
'Cause its contents are mostly manure.
--- Jayne
Tell me exactly what you're
Against. Is it smut?
That gets men to rut?
I'd have thought there the Sun had allure!
--- TuttaGioia
And quite frankly, I haven't a clue;
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
--- Peter Wilkins
Took a trip to the can for to shit.
To his epic despair
No paper was there,
So he simply continued to sit.
--- L0738
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