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...Fast speared our young lass from behind, As you all know the tale, have no fears; She was at the time Vingt-et-un, Each night she'd a new man to poker, In Cannes, by the light of the moon, But here fairy tales go astray. So lads, if to Monte you go, Ten guys and an NCAA bracket; I drive a white Ford Granada; The gent then ran to Atlantic City, There was a young gambler named Denny, I contact my bookie, Big Fred; A regular gambler she's not. There once was a gay caballero, A silly young fellow named Gino She had days and a fortune to spend My favorite game is roulette. A comely young gambler from Kiev At Fitzgerald's the dice can be seen A Tyre man was not destituter An inveterate gambler named Fetter A gambler in debt far too deep, Casino gambling, Wall Street ventures, While placing another bet down, Young new graduate, Jim, home in Wheeling, One summer, the sun did not shine When that duffer started to dance, A greens-keeping girl named Joanna A foursome playing golf up in Dwight A young lady whose surname was Binks You must get it up, to begin, My son Bob was a pro-golfer's caddie; This young Irish golfer named Paddy One day, as young Paddy was faxing A ball-washing caddy is nice, The lake is green, the grass is brown, In general, the golfing fraternity Get our your guns, 'cause I've had enough. Golfers cuss all day long 'til they're hoarse. A hard-driving surgeon named Gutting, A golfer who came from Nantucket When playing ahead of a DUFFER, The umpires have plenty to say, sir, Young Tiger, the ultimate pro, I used to play golf once, and I'm You hit the poor ball much too soft; A golf club's greenskeeper recalls, A prize-winning golfer was Stokes; In a contest for jacking off folks, There was a young golfer named Stokes; My golf game I called recreation; "I don't think I am able at all Golf is a game I adore, A golfer, who sought to survive I was having some soup at the Nineteenth Hole, A principled man is he At a golf course beside Lake Louise, A golfer when totalling his score A slow golfer just ready to tee, While Fred was still clippin' a button, (lovely rhyme scheme - McW)
Hands together, grip firm but not tight; There was a young girl at Bryn Mawr Young Mary, the country club queen, A golf-loving busman from Leigh A golfer says it drives him nuts, Tom's first time out swingin' away;
With a prick, which that man did unwind.
Though it felt rather pleasant,
It shouldn'a been present,
For a memory came to her mind.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'll not trot it out for you here.
As was told by your nurse,
The poor girl was cursed,
To sleep 'round for fifty-odd years.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And soon set about having fun,
So she let down her hair,
Got the chemin de fer,
Black Jack was her lay number one.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Didn't need to resort to a Coca
Cola type bottle,
For what she had got all
Those gamblers would play their joker.
--- Tiddy Ogg
You'd see her down on the pontoon,
With some new young stud,
A-pummelling her pud,
At it in morn, night and noon.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"Forever"'s a very long way.
She's now seventy one,
Fifty years gone and done,
Shagged out, and can no longer play.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For the Rally, or for a strip show,
There at the stage door,
Is a raddled old whore,
Keep clear folks, you don't want to know.
--- Tiddy Ogg
They all get in the gambling racket.
They make pools using seeds
But we know where this leads:
One man with dough and nine who lack it.
--- Screwball McGoo
It's part of a rolling armada
I won with my straight;
Beat a hand with three eights
Playing poker one night in Nevada.
--- ROE
Where, sorry to say, more's the pity.
After losing a bet
On a game of roulette,
He couldn't even afford to feel titty.
--- Arden
Who lost all his cash to the penny.
Said the winner with gall,
"You cannot win them all."
Said the loser, "I have not won any!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2538
I check on the latest point spread;
Too much betting for sure.
Too much debt with no cure;
Cellphonitus, I may wind up dead.
--- Joel D. Ash P0510Q
Holds one slot machine at one spot.
When Sam wanted to play,
She shooed him away;
"Just my husband may play with my slot!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrum
Who wanted to make some dinero.
He went up to Reno
And won playing Keno,
But then lost it all playing Faro.
--- Popsicle TP9806
Saw lambs in a verdant spring scene, oh.
As they frolicked and scrambled,
He was told that they gamboled;
So he asked, "Do they do it in Reno?"
--- Charmorr
At the roulette wheel and a loose end.
She carelessly wrote
Off her car and a note,
To her shame and her husband's best friend.
--- Virge
I can't wait to place my first bet.
But please stop the press!
I have to digress,
Because my sweet baby's all wet.
--- Al Willis P9511
Can hide any card up her sleeve.
While the Bolsheviki
Will say "Nyet" to the lie,
Some cheating's OK, they believe.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To be hued with a deep shade of green.
So they never will clash
With the color of cash.
As a winner, I find that quite keen!
--- Darel
By barber or Lotto computer,
To trade half his ticket
For shaving his thicket...
But wished he'd stayed two times hirsuter.
--- Prof M-G
Was shocked when they called him a debtor.
At the bookmaker's shop,
He vowed, "I will stop!
Ten to one I'll reform and get better!":
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Was in need of a way to live cheap.
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed 'em and reap!
--- Graham Lester
Parenthood, and web page censors.
Life's a gamble, don't you see?
Fate will be what will be;
Be it love, pain, or the odd adventures.
--- Lynn Mostafa
The gambler remarked with a frown,
"Yes, I know the wheel's fixed,
But my feelings are mixed,
For there's no other wheel in this town."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2553
With no plans for his future appealing,
Had his dad call up Gino,
Who controls the casino;
Now Jim's all set in Wheeling and dealing.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
On my father, a golfer divine.
He hoped and he prayed
But his balls always strayed
In the water--dagnabbit!--on nine.
--- Paula Pape-Lipson P9308
One day as he took up his stance,
While holding his putter,
He said with a stutter,
"My God, I've got ants in me pants"
--- Anon
Just hated the grass called Poa anua.
I'll tell it true to you
It's worse than Kikuyku;
I kill it whenever I canna.
--- Rick Limmer P9606
Were all blind so they held up C Flight.
Said the foursome behind them,
"The staff should remind them
To play all their rounds in the night."
--- Thomas Patton P0306
Went out for a walk on the Links;
When a young man shouted "Fore,"
She observed, "What a bore,
To go home foursome tee when there's drinks."
--- Anon Punch 1920 (Bibby)
Or else, you will not get it in.
Here, I'll show you how,
If you will allow,
Keep your head down and aim for the pin!
--- Al Willis
It cured him of being a baddy.
It kept him quite fit,
But the best part of it,
When he won, he was Bob's sugar daddy.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Was (sooner than thought), made a daddy.
He said to his wife:
"He'll work all his life,
For food and shelter as my caddy."
--- Anon
This is file cyl
An order, his offspring was 'laxing.
Says Pat, "I'm your daddy.
And you're my wee caddy,
So wash up those balls and get waxing.
--- Liam na Beag
And one who will wash them is twice
As nice, but it's cold,
And since I am old,
My ball are all covered in ice.
--- Travis Brasell
Something stinky makes you frown.
Cats left craps
In all the traps
And London Bridge is falling down.
--- Rick Limmer P9606
Suffers collective infirmity;
Something amiss
With the thing that they piss;
Unsure of their offspring's paternity.
--- Peter Wilkins
They pissed in our lake and they crapped in our rough.
But what will we do
With the dead when we're through?
I never eat coot 'cause it's stringy and tough.
--- Rick Limmer
I don't like it; to me it's the source
Of a peeve; drives me mad;
Tees me off; it's so sad.
The rough language is par for the coarse.
--- Kirk Miller
To master his slicing and cutting,
Would practice all day,
Knowing patience would pay,
But he did lose his patients while putting.
--- J E Pettit
Protected his balls with a bucket.
For one time, thoughtlessly,
He set one on a tee
And he drove it a mile when he struck it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1807
One could use a bit of a buffer,
Like a helmet on one's head,
On one's crotch, a cup of lead,
And some trees, though they'll make the rough rougher.
--- Norm Brust
Concerning golfs rules of fair play, sir.
But lots of them show
Dealing ethics a blow --
Their pencils come with an eraser.
--- John E Mayhood P2006
Took a major blow to his ego...
While playing the Masters,
He met with disasters,
And blew shots at three in a row!
--- Observer
Quite sure, at the dreaded hole 9,
Dark forces existed.
My ball's flight path twisted...
Got lost in the pond, every time.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It got tangled in those winds aloft.
Especially on 9,
Where the winds really whine.
'Tis the bane of beginning golf, oft.
--- Liam na Beag
When an asinine novice named Wrawls
Was laid up for a spell,
With sore knees when he fell
From the unit that's used to wash balls.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9703
His wife taught him golf just for jokes.
He learned golf by doing;
The same as in screwing,
Which he finished in very few strokes.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0764
Five golfers, the top seeded blokes,
Were all matched in the race
To determine first place
Who would come in the fewest of strokes.
--- Albin Chaplin
His game was the topic of jokes.
With his wife he won fame
For a much better game,
When he finished in twenty-four strokes.
--- Albin Chaplin P8306
It turned out to be pure frustration.
So, as of this day
I'll no longer play;
I've replaced it with self-flagellation
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
To hit it," said Lucy McCall,
To the golfer she'd met,
As he showed her his set,
"But I think I can fondle your ball."
--- Karl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309
If only they didn't keep score.
My drives go acurving,
My putting's disturbing,
And "Fuck!" gives no warning like "Fore!"
--- Nick Scales
With grit, determination, and drive,
"Inflation", he'd claim,
"Is affecting my game,
I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'".
--- E Burns
When I found an old tee at the bottom of my bowl.
It was dirty and split
And it tasted like shit,
But it showed my that Cookie has golf in his soul.
--- Rick Limmer
Who knows his priority.
If it's the right season,
Regardless of reason,
He leaves early to hit the first tee!
--- Honoring Jim Gawtry
A lady too anxious to please,
Curled up in a ball
And while offering all,
Was lambasted from one of the tees.
--- Hugh Oliver 95a
Was hit hard, with a ball, on the jaw.
He said he would sue
For a thousand or two;
Said "accepted", when he heard a shout, "fore!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Wasn't sure where the next green could be.
But his caddy said, "Drive,
Or before we arrive,
The green will be too dark to see."
--- Warrick Elrod
Miss Mary was snippin' and cuttin'.
He glanced over his shoulder
And quite curtly told her
"I'd rather be chippin' and puttin'."
--- Bob Badger
Left arm away, they follow through right.
Shoulders turn with smooth pace;
Hips to ball win the race.
Close eyes and then whack it with might!
--- Goin2later
Who could hit a golf ball so far,
Her coach said: "You're
Going to join the Tour.
Your scores are so far under par."
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0308
Is surely my favorite teen.
Bringing luck to my game
And a small git of fame
By kissing my balls on the green.
--- John Miller
On a day off, found a lass at a tee.
They created a scene
When he said, on the green,
"Oh please leave the driving to me."
--- Macsam
To play with the country club sluts.
Though at each hole he strives,
To surpass them on drives,
He always gets licked on the putz.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9511
His balls just kept going astray.
He hit two by me;
Later said, "D'ya see
My balls on the golf course today?"
--- Anon
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