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I looked at him with a straight face "When you left your house this morning, A golfer from old Aberdeen A young amateur golfer named Hall Gerry's spastic right hand While Ireland is lovely and green, Now golf is a challenging game; A duffer who hailed from Calcutta Tiger said, "A martinus for me. He plays golf while she shops at the malls. On courses where players are many, "I got new golf clubs for my wife, Is there a time limit when playing a round on My golf swings turned into a joke. Like some Scots, he hits the white ball Last night as I enetered the hut, You really must be hard boiled With all that's been done for the game, So you can advance if you choose. There was a young golfer named Morse An ostrich who liked to play golf In layers of clothes I feel lumpy. Said the golfer, "You say you want more The foursome before us is lolling along. Last December a golfer named Lee, A DUFFER on the eighteenth tee There once was a golfer named Dennis; A lady named Boots McFlynn Of golf I know little at all, There was a young golfer named Gene My lover is golfing worst duf- There was a young golfer named Huff There was a young exec named Small, A traveling salesman who calls A round-heeled young golfer named Booker A golf-TYRO, I, and quite rank; A competitive golfer named Moorhead, "I was just playing golf, you see, A macho man golfer named Gus, The was an old golfer named Burl A caddie whose name was Miss Dit A helpess young golfer named Ray The keen golfer grew very irate An old pro golfer named Bond He'll go 'round the course in his golf-car, A little old man at Lake Mead A man lost his membership in A golfer went right up the wall A handsome and winsome young twosome I was kicking the ball with my toe, A golfer once heard his wife mutter He answered, "That's not it at all; A golfer with an enormous putter, He'd met a young lassie, so fine, "You must think me a terrible bore, "A 77 on the front is not bad; The golf pro's car suddenly stalls; A golfer named Terrance McCutter Here's something that really appalls: A newly-wed golf pro named Sutter A golfer who came from Calcutta From his golf bag there issued a mutter, When a golf game is played at its best, An amateur golfer named Al There's the blaster, the jiggler and baffy, "Honey, if I were to become dead, "Would she wear my fur coat and my rings?
And I said "No, Tom, not a trace.
Now how would it be
If your balls I should see.
Were you in that much of a haste?"
--- Anon
Did you forget all adorning?
Did you go and duff
Out there in the buff?
Next time, give me a fair warning!"
--- Anon
Had a swing that you never had seen.
When he hit for the ball,
He lost the control,
And swinged HIMSELF up on the green.
--- Lims For Year - 01
Lost ball, after ball, after ball.
He sliced and he hooked,
And he drove the ball crooked,
Until Hall had no balls at all.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Is always touching his gland.
His golf scores are lousy,
Since he's so often drowsy
From wanking, as I understand.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Its golf courses are rugged and mean.
The holes are so tough,
And the roughs are so rough,
That a birdie can be rarely seen.
--- William K Alsop Jr
With my eye on the ball, I take aim.
Then I swivel and pivot,
And up flys a divot,
Again and again to my shame.
--- Peter Wilkins
Would coat all his golf tees with butter.
On long fairway crawls,
He'd smear jam on his balls,
And pour marmalade on his putter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
If you please, bring it out by the tee,
The bar maid said, "Absurd,
Sir! Martini's the word!"
"No. Just one. For I'm driving, you see."
--- Bill Nesbit P0011
There are girls on the course, she recalls.
To discourage flirtation
And remind him of his station,
She printed her name on his balls.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
I've seen golfers lined up more than twenty.
Good golfers uphold,
15 minutes per hole,
So an hour and three quarters is plenty.
--- Anon
And now I've a new lease on my life.
I'm real happy, Ned."
And then my friend said,
"A good swap, my friend, no more strife!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
Your course, which I've heard is well trod on?
There'll be no surprises,
When my putter arises,
To challenge what others worked hard on.
--- Anon
Can't pitch, chip, or putt, I just poke.
My rhythm's a spasm,
Like men at orgasm;
No tempo or pace to the stroke.
--- Anon
Over courses, well into the Fall.
He'd probably go
To play in the snow,
But the golf cart would freeze up and stall.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I saw Bertha baring her butt.
I went and three putted
And now I'm so gutted
For not even making the cut.
--- SFA
If for long at golf, you have toiled.
I'll repeat the refrain.
One uttered by Twain,
It's only a good walk spoiled.
--- Jon Delaney
My golf score is still much the same.
The sad part for me
Is that technology
Has left me with nothing to blame.
--- Buck T9710
As for me, I flat out refuse.
I'll use the old stuff,
As I hack through the rough,
But at least I'll still have an excuse.
--- Buck T9710
Who spent all his time on the course.
He knew well how to pivot
And dig out a divot,
As he rounded the green on his horse.
--- Albin Chaplin P8306
Got tired of hearing men scoff.
When they asked, "Do you stand
With your head in the sand?"
The reply from the bird was, "Fuck olf!"
--- Neal Wilgus P8307
"My God!" In the mirror I'm frumpy.
I like best playing sports,
Golfing outdoors in shorts,
Deprived of those, then I get grumpy.
--- Goin2later
Of the beer that I bought at the store?
I think I am able
To stretch 'cross the table;
If I spill say, 'You missed a far pour.'"
--- Tom Patton P0800
The foursome behind us just burst into song.
They're a lovely quartet,
But the Marshal's upset,
And my partner's asleep at the tee here so long.
--- Rick Limmer
On a short hole, sliced into a tree.
When a quail hit the air,
Lee yelled, "Looky there!
A partridge within a par three!"
--- P8306
Lamented that golf wasn't free.
Though he would admit
When it came down to it,
His per stroke cost hurt but a wee.
--- Chris Papa
His drives on the course were a menace.
He asked the wise pro
How to make his score low.
The pro said, "You ought to play tennis."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206
Plays golf peeled down to the skin.
No one can recall
If she hits the ball,
Or whether her putts go in!
--- Joe James P0209
Except that you chase a white ball.
While practicing cursing,
Your temper reversing;
And they call "playing"? What gall!
--- Cynthia MacGregor
Who invented a putting machine.
It would putt left or right,
But try as he might,
It just never would putt in between.
--- Al Chaplin P0304
fer, but oft, when the lie is too tough,
It tickles our fancies
To take off our pantsies
For a romp in the raw in the rough.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8312
Who had an affair with Miss Duff.
He should have thought twice
For he hooked a bad slice,
And he found himself out in the rough.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2115
Whose life was ruined by a white ball.
He used woods and irons
To clean his environs;
The tales of his swinging life were tall.
--- R G Trepanier
This is file cxl
On sporting-goods stores in the malls
Says, "Wilson's my name,
And golf is my game.
I'd like you to handle my balls."
--- David Miller
Is someone pros love -- a real looker;
"My problem with balls;
I stroke 'em," she drawls,
"But pull to the left -- I'm a hooker."
--- Armand E Singer 741a
Put ball in a watery bank.
In sand traps I lay,
So far from fairway,
Results of each slice and bad shank.
--- Chris Papa
In loosing was truly a sorehead;
He'd let out a scream,
And his nostrils would steam,
And the veins would pop out in his forehead.
--- Cap'n Bean
And was suddenly stung by a bee."
"Where was this?" asked the pro;
"'Twixt the first and second hole."
"You need to stand closer to the tee."
--- Tom Accousti
Braving canyon winds, ninety knots plus,
Hit one up in the sky,
To the freeway -- bye bye.
Took out sixteen cars and a bus.
--- Rick Limmer
Whose fifteen-inch crank had a curl.
He swung it just right
With all of his might,
And holed both his balls in one twirl.
--- Anon
Was helping the golfer a bit;
No tees did he pack,
So she laid on her back,
And he set up his balls on her tit.
--- Cap'n Bean P0900
Is involved with a frigid girl, Fay.
A miserable linking
Which drives him to drinking,
For she's an unpliable lay.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410A
As he steadied to drive at hole eight.
The young players before him,
Appeared to ignore him,
As he hollered how long must I wait.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Thought he'd lost his last ball in a pond.
So he waded right in,
Right up to his chin,
But the ball had dropped in just beyond.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Hitting eagles, birdies and par.
He may be an old fogey,
But he hits not a bogey,
And he's really well known in the bar!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Pretended that he was Sam Snead;
Kept whacking his balls
In spite of cat-calls,
Which, naturally, he did not heed.
--- Anon
A local golf club, when within
The course of his round,
He had been found
To be whacking his balls once again.
--- Anon
Whenever he'd sideswipe the ball.
Friends said he should go
For advise to a pro,
But he didn't know which protocol.
--- Brandy Brandon P9412
Teed off in the fresh morning dew. Some
Twelve hours gone,
He returned all alone,
And said, "Well, you win some and lose some."
--- Laurence Perrine P8306
In a divot the size of St. Joe,
When a voice from the sky,
Boomed "Although it's July,
Winter rules still apply. Who will know."
--- Rick Limmer P9606
In tones that were dripping with butter,
"You silly old duff,
You're off in the rough!
You can't reach this hole with that putter!"
--- Norm Storer
There's no need to stir up a brawl.
But what would you say
If you had to play
Eighteen holes with just one little ball?"
--- Norm Storer
Caused the rest of his foursome to st-t-t-tutter;
But was knocked down to size,
When he used his prize,
To putt in the hole of another.
--- Anon
And managed to sneak up behind,
To give 77 strokes,
But he was nearly heartbroke,
'Cause par on this course is 69.
--- Anon
For coming so high above score.
It was much worse than bogie,
Or a Presidents stogie.
On the bright side, I did get eight (ate) more."
--- Anon
It's one of the best rounds I've had.
But if you've got the time,
Let's play the back nine,
It plays a bit tighter a tad."
--- Anon
He tows it to one of those malls.
When he leaves it, a punk
Steals his clubs from the trunk,
But he's lucky he still has his balls.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0608
Had a caddy that tended to stutter.
The caddy, quite keen,
Said, "You're on the g-green.
Here's yours p-p-p-p-p-p-putter."
--- Cap'n Bean P0110
A wealthy golf pro made some calls,
And hired a new caddy,
A small girl named Mattie,
To carry his big bag and balls.
--- Anon
Looked down at his prick, soft as butter;
He proved impotent, true,
But he knew what to do:
Deflowered his bride with his putter.
--- Armand E Singer 710
Had thoughts much to pungent to utter.
When his wife he once found
Ere commencing a round,
Sitting diddling herself with his putter.
--- Anon G2097
Then a gasp was choked out with a splutter.
He'd been one on the green,
But holed out at sixteen,
And his driver had strangled his putter.
--- Laurence Perrine P8306
It demands a touch that's finessed.
With shaft firm, but not tight,
Drivers' head guides the flight;
Hole the ball; give that putter a rest.
--- Anon
Was playing a round with a gal.
Her stokes were so good
That he pulled out a wood,
And said, "You beat this, so you shall."
--- Chris Young
The bulger, the niblick and mashie,
But the choice for your balls
In the sport that enthralls;
I suggest you leave up to your lassie.
--- Tutta Gioia
Do you think that you would rewed?
Would you let your new wife
When you start your new life,
Wear my jewelry and sleep in my bed?"
--- Tom Accousti
Drive my car and change all of my things?
Us my spa for a rub,
Play some golf with my clubs,
And redecorate all of our things."
--- Tom Accousti
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