I looked at him with a straight face
And I said "No, Tom, not a trace.
Now how would it be
If your balls I should see.
Were you in that much of a haste?"
--- Anon

"When you left your house this morning,
Did you forget all adorning?
Did you go and duff
Out there in the buff?
Next time, give me a fair warning!"
--- Anon

A golfer from old Aberdeen
Had a swing that you never had seen.
When he hit for the ball,
He lost the control,
And swinged HIMSELF up on the green.
--- Lims For Year - 01

A young amateur golfer named Hall
Lost ball, after ball, after ball.
He sliced and he hooked,
And he drove the ball crooked,
Until Hall had no balls at all.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Gerry's spastic right hand
Is always touching his gland.
His golf scores are lousy,
Since he's so often drowsy
From wanking, as I understand.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

While Ireland is lovely and green,
Its golf courses are rugged and mean.
The holes are so tough,
And the roughs are so rough,
That a birdie can be rarely seen.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Now golf is a challenging game;
With my eye on the ball, I take aim.
Then I swivel and pivot,
And up flys a divot,
Again and again to my shame.
--- Peter Wilkins

A duffer who hailed from Calcutta
Would coat all his golf tees with butter.
On long fairway crawls,
He'd smear jam on his balls,
And pour marmalade on his putter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Tiger said, "A martinus for me.
If you please, bring it out by the tee,
The bar maid said, "Absurd,
Sir! Martini's the word!"
"No. Just one. For I'm driving, you see."
--- Bill Nesbit P0011

He plays golf while she shops at the malls.
There are girls on the course, she recalls.
To discourage flirtation
And remind him of his station,
She printed her name on his balls.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

On courses where players are many,
I've seen golfers lined up more than twenty.
Good golfers uphold,
15 minutes per hole,
So an hour and three quarters is plenty.
--- Anon

"I got new golf clubs for my wife,
And now I've a new lease on my life.
I'm real happy, Ned."
And then my friend said,
"A good swap, my friend, no more strife!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection A

Is there a time limit when playing a round on
Your course, which I've heard is well trod on?
There'll be no surprises,
When my putter arises,
To challenge what others worked hard on.
--- Anon

My golf swings turned into a joke.
Can't pitch, chip, or putt, I just poke.
My rhythm's a spasm,
Like men at orgasm;
No tempo or pace to the stroke.
--- Anon

Like some Scots, he hits the white ball
Over courses, well into the Fall.
He'd probably go
To play in the snow,
But the golf cart would freeze up and stall.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Last night as I enetered the hut,
I saw Bertha baring her butt.
I went and three putted
And now I'm so gutted
For not even making the cut.
--- SFA

You really must be hard boiled
If for long at golf, you have toiled.
I'll repeat the refrain.
One uttered by Twain,
It's only a good walk spoiled.
--- Jon Delaney

With all that's been done for the game,
My golf score is still much the same.
The sad part for me
Is that technology
Has left me with nothing to blame.
--- Buck T9710

So you can advance if you choose.
As for me, I flat out refuse.
I'll use the old stuff,
As I hack through the rough,
But at least I'll still have an excuse.
--- Buck T9710

There was a young golfer named Morse
Who spent all his time on the course.
He knew well how to pivot
And dig out a divot,
As he rounded the green on his horse.
--- Albin Chaplin P8306

An ostrich who liked to play golf
Got tired of hearing men scoff.
When they asked, "Do you stand
With your head in the sand?"
The reply from the bird was, "Fuck olf!"
--- Neal Wilgus P8307

In layers of clothes I feel lumpy.
"My God!" In the mirror I'm frumpy.
I like best playing sports,
Golfing outdoors in shorts,
Deprived of those, then I get grumpy.
--- Goin2later

Said the golfer, "You say you want more
Of the beer that I bought at the store?
I think I am able
To stretch 'cross the table;
If I spill say, 'You missed a far pour.'"
--- Tom Patton P0800

The foursome before us is lolling along.
The foursome behind us just burst into song.
They're a lovely quartet,
But the Marshal's upset,
And my partner's asleep at the tee here so long.
--- Rick Limmer

Last December a golfer named Lee,
On a short hole, sliced into a tree.
When a quail hit the air,
Lee yelled, "Looky there!
A partridge within a par three!"
--- P8306

A DUFFER on the eighteenth tee
Lamented that golf wasn't free.
Though he would admit
When it came down to it,
His per stroke cost hurt but a wee.
--- Chris Papa

There once was a golfer named Dennis;
His drives on the course were a menace.
He asked the wise pro
How to make his score low.
The pro said, "You ought to play tennis."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206

A lady named Boots McFlynn
Plays golf peeled down to the skin.
No one can recall
If she hits the ball,
Or whether her putts go in!
--- Joe James P0209

Of golf I know little at all,
Except that you chase a white ball.
While practicing cursing,
Your temper reversing;
And they call "playing"? What gall!
--- Cynthia MacGregor

There was a young golfer named Gene
Who invented a putting machine.
It would putt left or right,
But try as he might,
It just never would putt in between.
--- Al Chaplin P0304

My lover is golfing worst duf-
fer, but oft, when the lie is too tough,
It tickles our fancies
To take off our pantsies
For a romp in the raw in the rough.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8312

There was a young golfer named Huff
Who had an affair with Miss Duff.
He should have thought twice
For he hooked a bad slice,
And he found himself out in the rough.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2115

There was a young exec named Small,
Whose life was ruined by a white ball.
He used woods and irons
To clean his environs;
The tales of his swinging life were tall.
--- R G Trepanier

This is file cxl

A traveling salesman who calls
On sporting-goods stores in the malls
Says, "Wilson's my name,
And golf is my game.
I'd like you to handle my balls."
--- David Miller

A round-heeled young golfer named Booker
Is someone pros love -- a real looker;
"My problem with balls;
I stroke 'em," she drawls,
"But pull to the left -- I'm a hooker."
--- Armand E Singer 741a

A golf-TYRO, I, and quite rank;
Put ball in a watery bank.
In sand traps I lay,
So far from fairway,
Results of each slice and bad shank.
--- Chris Papa

A competitive golfer named Moorhead,
In loosing was truly a sorehead;
He'd let out a scream,
And his nostrils would steam,
And the veins would pop out in his forehead.
--- Cap'n Bean

"I was just playing golf, you see,
And was suddenly stung by a bee."
"Where was this?" asked the pro;
"'Twixt the first and second hole."
"You need to stand closer to the tee."
--- Tom Accousti

A macho man golfer named Gus,
Braving canyon winds, ninety knots plus,
Hit one up in the sky,
To the freeway -- bye bye.
Took out sixteen cars and a bus.
--- Rick Limmer

The was an old golfer named Burl
Whose fifteen-inch crank had a curl.
He swung it just right
With all of his might,
And holed both his balls in one twirl.
--- Anon

A caddie whose name was Miss Dit
Was helping the golfer a bit;
No tees did he pack,
So she laid on her back,
And he set up his balls on her tit.
--- Cap'n Bean P0900

A helpess young golfer named Ray
Is involved with a frigid girl, Fay.
A miserable linking
Which drives him to drinking,
For she's an unpliable lay.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410A

The keen golfer grew very irate
As he steadied to drive at hole eight.
The young players before him,
Appeared to ignore him,
As he hollered how long must I wait.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An old pro golfer named Bond
Thought he'd lost his last ball in a pond.
So he waded right in,
Right up to his chin,
But the ball had dropped in just beyond.
--- William K Alsop Jr

He'll go 'round the course in his golf-car,
Hitting eagles, birdies and par.
He may be an old fogey,
But he hits not a bogey,
And he's really well known in the bar!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A little old man at Lake Mead
Pretended that he was Sam Snead;
Kept whacking his balls
In spite of cat-calls,
Which, naturally, he did not heed.
--- Anon

A man lost his membership in
A local golf club, when within
The course of his round,
He had been found
To be whacking his balls once again.
--- Anon

A golfer went right up the wall
Whenever he'd sideswipe the ball.
Friends said he should go
For advise to a pro,
But he didn't know which protocol.
--- Brandy Brandon P9412

A handsome and winsome young twosome
Teed off in the fresh morning dew. Some
Twelve hours gone,
He returned all alone,
And said, "Well, you win some and lose some."
--- Laurence Perrine P8306

I was kicking the ball with my toe,
In a divot the size of St. Joe,
When a voice from the sky,
Boomed "Although it's July,
Winter rules still apply. Who will know."
--- Rick Limmer P9606

A golfer once heard his wife mutter
In tones that were dripping with butter,
"You silly old duff,
You're off in the rough!
You can't reach this hole with that putter!"
--- Norm Storer

He answered, "That's not it at all;
There's no need to stir up a brawl.
But what would you say
If you had to play
Eighteen holes with just one little ball?"
--- Norm Storer

A golfer with an enormous putter,
Caused the rest of his foursome to st-t-t-tutter;
But was knocked down to size,
When he used his prize,
To putt in the hole of another.
--- Anon

He'd met a young lassie, so fine,
And managed to sneak up behind,
To give 77 strokes,
But he was nearly heartbroke,
'Cause par on this course is 69.
--- Anon

"You must think me a terrible bore,
For coming so high above score.
It was much worse than bogie,
Or a Presidents stogie.
On the bright side, I did get eight (ate) more."
--- Anon

"A 77 on the front is not bad;
It's one of the best rounds I've had.
But if you've got the time,
Let's play the back nine,
It plays a bit tighter a tad."
--- Anon

The golf pro's car suddenly stalls;
He tows it to one of those malls.
When he leaves it, a punk
Steals his clubs from the trunk,
But he's lucky he still has his balls.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0608

A golfer named Terrance McCutter
Had a caddy that tended to stutter.
The caddy, quite keen,
Said, "You're on the g-green.
Here's yours p-p-p-p-p-p-putter."
--- Cap'n Bean P0110

Here's something that really appalls:
A wealthy golf pro made some calls,
And hired a new caddy,
A small girl named Mattie,
To carry his big bag and balls.
--- Anon

A newly-wed golf pro named Sutter
Looked down at his prick, soft as butter;
He proved impotent, true,
But he knew what to do:
Deflowered his bride with his putter.
--- Armand E Singer 710

A golfer who came from Calcutta
Had thoughts much to pungent to utter.
When his wife he once found
Ere commencing a round,
Sitting diddling herself with his putter.
--- Anon G2097

From his golf bag there issued a mutter,
Then a gasp was choked out with a splutter.
He'd been one on the green,
But holed out at sixteen,
And his driver had strangled his putter.
--- Laurence Perrine P8306

When a golf game is played at its best,
It demands a touch that's finessed.
With shaft firm, but not tight,
Drivers' head guides the flight;
Hole the ball; give that putter a rest.
--- Anon

An amateur golfer named Al
Was playing a round with a gal.
Her stokes were so good
That he pulled out a wood,
And said, "You beat this, so you shall."
--- Chris Young

There's the blaster, the jiggler and baffy,
The bulger, the niblick and mashie,
But the choice for your balls
In the sport that enthralls;
I suggest you leave up to your lassie.
--- Tutta Gioia

"Honey, if I were to become dead,
Do you think that you would rewed?
Would you let your new wife
When you start your new life,
Wear my jewelry and sleep in my bed?"
--- Tom Accousti

"Would she wear my fur coat and my rings?
Drive my car and change all of my things?
Us my spa for a rub,
Play some golf with my clubs,
And redecorate all of our things."
--- Tom Accousti