The Times tells the world what is doing.
Who's winning, who's losing, who's sueing.
Who's striking, Who's stealing,
Who's dying, who's healing,
But won't say a word on who's screwing.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Whenever I see Trevor Brooking,
He lets fly when nobody's looking.
He's very descrete --
Starts down at his feet.
You can tell he likes Indian cooking.

(rag head not feather - McW)
--- Bill Wall

Faith was a rogue vampire slayer
Who made Xander feel like a player.
She tossed him aside
At great cost to his pride
And hung with the dastardly mayor.
--- Linda Barlow

Buffy the vampire slayer,
Gives a good shag if you pay her.
So get out your dough
And give her a go;
But you're in the shit if you lay her.
--- Anon

Joss built us a show about slayers,
That was truly an onion with layers.
We got quite obsessed
And had to confess
We're all just in love with the players.
--- Linda Barlow

When Willow decided to switch teams,
The event generated so much steam,
The WB suits,
Disapproving of fruits,
Decreed her kissage be unseen.
--- Lindo Barlow

The Mayor, that devilish fellow,
Turned into a snake huge and yellow.
The Ascension he hosted
But then he got roasted;
Just desserts, since he harshed Buffy's mellow.
--- Linda Barlow

The Xan-man, you know that he tries
To help out the rest of the guys.
But the first thing you know,
He's in thrall with the foe
And eating bugs, spiders, and flies.
--- Linda Barlow

A slayer in crypt was benighted,
But said, "Please don't be affrighted.
It isn't the vamps
That's causing me angst,
It's that my true love's unrequited."
--- Linda Barlow

Our Blondie-Bear shouted, "Enough!
The Scoobies forget that I'm tough.
They think I can't fight 'em;
I'll go back and bite 'em!
Unless, can I be in the Buff?
--- Linda Barlow

On TV our Sarah plays Buffy;
Though sweet and petite, she's a toughie.
She may slay a bunch
Of vampires before lunch,
But she always looks neat, never scruffy.
--- Satori Press

I once loved a Vampire Slayer;
When she asked, I could never nay-say her.
She dumped me; I'm crying;
For vengance I'm dying.
Well, I'm dead. But I'd still like to lay her.
--- Linda Barlow

There's a really good game on today;
It's the Cowboys -- they're playing Green Bay!"
Little Bo rubs his eyes,
"I want Barney," he cries.
Now you tell me, which one get his way?
--- Larry Hollister

He sings "I love you, you love me,"
It's as sappy as sappy can be.
Children can't get enough
Of his syrupy stuff.
I'd just as soon eat DDT.
--- Larry Hollister

Barney's a fat dinosaur
Who whacks off his bone on a whore.
He likes little boys
And kinky sex toys;
He's named his left hand "Lenore".
--- Annette Funicello

There once was a Simpson named Bart
Whose TV show topped everyone's chart.
And though plots turned to gag,
And some scenes tend to drag,
Rest assured of its place in our hearts.
--- Jordan Eisenberg

When I was a wee little lass,
Howdy Doody was giving me gas.
I watched 'em alive
On a screen that was five
Inches wide as I sat on my ass.
--- Anon

That dumb jewish kid's a turd,
'Cause he flipped Cartman's mother the bird.
But poor little Kenny,
Has been mangled by many.
--- Anon

My ass is gorgeous, even to the furred.
I just caught the notice of a whole herd;
When I squatted and peed,
They started a stampede--
"O My God! They killed Kenny! You bastard!"
--- Anon

Since Kyle and Cartman and Kenny
Were virgins who'd never got any,
Cartman and Kyle
Screwed Kenny awhile,
Till he died - the first time of many.
--- Anon

Mr Rogers, you've not passed away,
For our children forever will play
In that safe neighborhood,
Where friends learn love is good,
And it's always a beautiful day.
--- Anon

Mr Rogers is quitting for good,
After 33 years in the 'hood.
His Nielsen ratings
Are never abating;
He'd do 33 more if he could.
--- Dr Limerick 11-12-00

Paul Reubens, who often would scoff
At lawyers, once said with a cough,
"For me, I don't need 'em,
And my cases, I plead 'em,
'Cause I know how to get myself off.
--- Hugh Clary

I see PeeWee has got a new shtick;
A new TV game show's the trick.
He's taking a crack
With "You don't know Jack,"
Hope it gets more exposure than his prick!
--- Tom Accousti

There once was a man named Pee Wee
Who was odd; I think you agree.
He enjoyed his manhood
Like only he could,
And stopped doing children's TV.
--- Julie Wiskirchen

"The Birds and the Bees," said Pee Wee,
"I know from my A to my Z.
Some folks think I'm dumb
But I often have come
In the movies, back row, section three."
--- Barbara Cunningham P9604

Pee-wee Herman's Sex Manual Complete
Is designed for the man on the street.
Where there's love to be shared,
Keep you nails neatly pared
Before you start beating your meat.
--- Phil Cannibal P9108

There once was a man on TV,
Who went by the name of Peewee.
He got caught doing what
He should ought not;
Rehearsing an act with his peepee.
--- Brian Marlin

Peewee is now in a bind;
It's those porn flick he watches at times.
And his preoccupation
With his masturbation,
Is the cause of his going blind!
--- Brian Marlin

The cops prowled the theatre to hunt
For Peewee; the end was blunt.
He'd not have been collared
If someone had hollered
"Hey Peewee! Down in front!"
--- MrMalo

Since he sank to his current condition,
I'd say Peewee has shown his contrition.
In the theatre of life,
Where the vice cops are rife,
Peewee's paid the price of emission.
--- MrMalo

A zoo has been robbed in Mt. Earl;
The loot wasn't diamonds or pearls.
What witnesses heard
Or so they averred,
Was "Natasha, Ve got Moose unt Squirl!"

(from Rocky Squirrel and Bullwinkle kids TV program)
--- Lassies Lover

Does the Count, who is quite an aesthete,
Pass the trash can on Sesame Street,
With his nose in the air
To look down on who's there --
Or to not have to smell Oscar's feet?
--- The Count TP9806

This is file cvm

What's the smell that's so strong in the heat,
From the trash can on Sesame Street?
Monster cookies gone bad?
Rotten eggs Big Bird had?
No, It's Oscar's unwashed furry feet.
--- Prof M-G TP9806

Grim Reaper in South Park again,
To seek out the one to be slain.
With people so many,
He had to pick Kenny,
And shoot lightning bolts through his brain.
--- Jayne

So now let us come to young Kenny,
A kid from "South Park", one of many.
He always gets killed;
With violence it's filled.
Though tasteless, it's really quite funny.
--- Archie

He was hunting his own pet snark;
He is lightyears away from the mark.
It is here on Earth
We suffer from mirth.
We've finally got back South Park.
--- Archie

See through throats and lifting up heads;
And Kenny is being killed dead.
Language unbecoming
Keeps things humming,
And one step ahead of the Feds.
--- Archie

I'm stodgy and dense if you must,
But always I am much nonplussed
To hear Bud and Lou in
That rousing that they're doin'--
The one that they call "Who's on fust?"
--- Gary Hallock

Remember Amos and Andy?
On radio it was dandy;
Charles Corell, then,
And Freeman Gosden
Did not appeal to the randy.
--- Larry Falk

Lesser character named Kingfish
Caused all the laughter you could wish;
The lodge hall was swell;
That Kingfish would tell
To Andy but IGNORAMUS.
--- Larry Falk

The filthiest comic today--
Misogynist -- Andrew Dice Clay.
His "Fs" and his jeers
Diseases our ears.
His tongue should a condom display.
--- Irving Superior P9009

David Duke of the old KKK
Is a congressman down in La.
"But his views aren't quite right
Quoth vox pop. in loc. cit.,
"So we'd rather have Andrew Dice Clay."
--- Don Moore P9104

Andy Kaufman had a weird quirk
Which had nothing to do with his work.
He'd wrestle a broad,
Win and applaud,
Labeling himself quite the jerk!
--- Anon

There once was a deputy named Fife,
Who carried a gun and a knife.
The gun was all dusty
And the knife was all rusty;
He never caught a crook in his life.
--- Mike Hunter

Let me tell you a story about Jed
Who stripped Elly-May on the bed,
And said, "I sure like yer cranny,
It's tighter than Granny,
But Jethro gives much better head!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Cosby did things he hadn't oughter,
Then his son ended in a slaughter.
The results so strange
Led to an exchange;
He lost a son, but gained a daughter.
--- Tom Patton P9704

A dummy from old Arizona
In Congress, committed a boner.
He said that he'd read
That Bob Hope was dead,
But that was a lot of bologna.
--- Popsicle TP9806

To help our assault forces cope
With their shortage of nookie and dope,
We're sending them singers,
Foxy babes and joke-slingers;
Sad to say, we can send them no Hope.
--- Dr Limerick

On the day of his grand 84th
May all of our wishes pour forth
To a young man named Hope,
As beloved as the pope
And more active than Oliver North.

(Henry Kissinger to Bob Hope on his 84th birthday)
--- Henry Kissinger P8706

Daffy, Sylvester, Bugs Bunny
Are who I consider to be funny.
Looney Tunes crack me up,
Until I have to pay up;
The TV bill costs more and more money.
--- Claire

Chris Farley has left us aggrieved;
All Saturday Night is bereaved.
So stout was his body,
His comic karate,
Was something I never believed.
--- Elsie Elspeth

His movies would brighten my day;
I'd laugh at whatever he's say.
The world's got much worse
Since he entered the hearse.
I'll miss him, the great Danny Kaye.
--- Archie

Yes, Danny was Daniel Kaminsky;
The name that he had on beginsky,
But changed it to Kaye,
A comic to play,
And garnered me many a grinsky.
--- Hugh Clary

The palace chalice was smashed,
When from its position it crashed.
The potion with lotion
Is now set in motion.
The rest does not need being rehashed.
--- C Ashton

Was it "Dragon-stamped flagon, eschew?"
For a poisonous pellet I'd view.
Or "The palace's chalice
Is the brew with the malice!"
No, the pestle-etched vessel's for you!
--- Hugh Clary

My thirst for the chalice is flaggin'
And too, for the flagon with dragon.
Is this vessel pure?
No way to be sure.
I'd better just go on the wagon.

(Danny Kaye bit -- Flagon with the dragon)
--- Tychicus

That fine Irish comic, Dave Allen,
As witty, irreverent talent,
Has gone with his god
To the land of last nod:
Lets hope whiskey is served by the gallon.
--- Jarmo

That Murphy lad, known here as Eddie,
Went out to obtain some quick heady.
He found, with a shock,
The "gal" had a cock,
And was spared 'cause he couldn't get ready.
--- Anon

We all know that Ellen is gay --
We knew before we heard her say
Anne Heche was her muse,
Who then left -- what abuse!
Now to women Anne only says, "Nay!"
--- Julie Wiskirchen

The news about Ellen deGeneris
Is almost as dead as Joe Penner is.
There's really no way
That we care if she's gay,
Or who gets to climb her mons veneris.

(Joe Penner - 30's comedian - Want to buy a duck?)
--- John E Mayhood P9706

A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris,
Minus publicity, would surely be penniless.
She seized on the chance,
Put on a man's pants;
Now the ratings of her are quite generous.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris
Allows no man near her mons veneris.
Her habit appear
Decidedly queer,
But with women she's surely more generous.
--- Younger Brother

A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris,
Says "Men have no reason to enter us.
'Cause we girls rarely fight,
And can all take delight
That our tongue lashings are much more generous.
--- Uniball Medium

A lesbian, Ellen DeGeneris
Was showing the world what her "tenor" is...
With three friends, maybe four
They've begun a toy store,
And I hear that they're calling it..."Men-R-Us"!
--- Poet Lariat

Says Disney to the Baptist Church who
Would boycott them 'cause loose virtue,
"A lesbian, Ellen
DeGeneris tellin'
The truth of her own life can't hurt you.
--- Younger Brother

If you don't get Looney Tunes up there,
I'm sorry, and I know it's not fair.
For a depraved life you've led,
If you've not seen the bald head
Of Elmer Fudd, who can't catch that stupid hare.
--- Claire