Cartoons have appeal universal,
Though the violence may be controversial.
But I'd never scorn
That Foghorn Leghorn...
Aat least they're one-up on commercials.
--- Tiddy Ogg

George Carlin is really a wit
With his seven words that give censors a fit.
They are shit, mother fucker,
Piss and cock sucker,
And don't forget cunt, fuck and tit.
--- Anon

Georgie Gobel's a very fine lad,
The pride of his mother and dad;
The songs that he sings
Play on the heart strings
He deserves the success he has had.
--- W L S Limerick Book 1937

There was a comedian named Gobel
Who claimed he was stalwart and noble,
But the quips from his lips
Were but bufffalo chips,
For he knew how to fib and to throw bull.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2597

If Gracie Allen were the last of her sex,
And I were the last of mine,
I'd ease my tool,
By fucking a mule,
Or maybe a porcupine.

(originally Gracie Fields, British music hall singer)
--- L0648

There once was a brilliant showman,
'Groucho Marx' was his famous COGNOMEN.
There wasn't a finer
Source of one-liner;
At wit he was never a slow man.
--- Eva Amata

There once was a comic - Jack Benny -
Who struggled to save every penny.
Asked his friends through their grins,
"Don't you pay for your sin's?"
In surprise Jack replied, "I haven't any!"
--- Neal Wilgus P8205

I once met this little green man --
He'd a mishap with paint-spraying can.
Partner Ollie said, "Yes!
Another fine mess
You have now got us into", to Stan
--- H Myers

When Letterman's acting on cam,
Some people do not give a damn.
While he tells his jokes,
Most of the folks
Would rather have Big Ass Whole Ham.
--- Tom Patton P9504

As a comic he's surely no failure.
His sharp wit will quite quickly impale ya.
He does three shows a night
And his future is bright,
While the costumes he wears will regale ya.
--- L C Fitzhugh P0112

Caught up in the old TV whirl,
He often cross-dressed as a girl.
He looked bad in a dress
With his makeup a mess,
But the audience loved Milton Berle.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9805

The comedian named Milton Berle,
Went to bed with the set's wardrobe girl.
And before her young eyes,
He revealed his full size,
Though it took half an hour to unfurl.
--- Robert Birch P9911

A comedian known as an Old Soak,
Fell flat when he told a new joke.
He said "What can I do?
Good script writers are few;
I'll write mine and I'll stick to coke.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There is an old comic named Murray,
Who speaks all his lines in a hurry.
His jokes are grade nil;
Everyone's had their fill.
His career's at a stage he should worry.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A comic who came from the Azores,
Did his act and received some applause.
Sad to say, I recall,
He did not please them all;
He's afraid to be seen out of doors.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Orson Bean, raconteur and buffoon,
Was arrested for trying to moon
Her Majesty's Piper
While attached to a viper
He found in the wilds of Gaboon.
--- Cyber Geezer

The comics who go on TV,
From pressing anxiety free,
Don't need to hear laughter --
It's all dubbed in after,
They laugh as they pocket their fee.
--- Paul Jennings

A comedienne named Roseanne Barr
Crabbed her crotch, so her rep she did mar.
I thought it was funny
And right on the money,
But some thought she took it too far.
--- Anon

A grumpy old bullfrog named Dwight,
Slept in a box every night,
Was kissed by a princess,
Became Senor Wences,
And croaked, with his mouth shut, "S'Alright!"

(Senor Wences - ventriloquist on Ed Sullivan TV show)
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

There once was a man, Steven Wright --
No, that wasn't him.

--- Anon A

Suzie Wong and her sister looked tight.
They seduced Stephen Wright one hot night.
He resisted just one,
But a pair? Too much fun!
So you see, two Wongs can make a Wright!
--- Kirk Miller

If the Stooges were six, t'would be Moe Moe,
And if Santa were tired, he'd say "Ho Ho",
And if Mr. Stallone
Went around with a clone,
They'd drive us all nuts yelling "Yo Yo!"
--- Ed Randolph

Hollywood has been torn asunder
By a film of pirates and plunder.
The 3 Stooges are stars
Getting drunk in rough bars;
It's a story of thud and blunder.
--- Tom Patton P0203

It is said that old Wally Cox
Had an asshole as good as a box.
I've heard those who tried it,
Could never deny it,
Ask Brando, the silly old fox.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

They asked Rogers, "How do you do
It? All that humor so scatheing and new?"
"No trick being drole,
When you have the whole
Government working for you!"
--- TuttaGioia

My island Eden, Gilligan.
But first, removing every man.
The older lady too.
Just leave those two
As young as when the show began.
--- Irving Superior P9411

I think we finally know why
Their three-hour tour went awry.
The Skipper's a nipper
And Gilligan's a tripper;
That crew had one helluva ride.
--- Gearhart

The Minnow is stuck on an island;
The Skipper is going to cry and
Little Buddy's in jail;
He's held without bail,
Here on Gilligan's Highland.
--- Les Stewart

Ginger's alone with the Skipper,
Though Sir Howell and the Prof want to dip her.
"The Professor is wise,
But I like Skipper's size,
And Howell can't go quite past his zipper."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The Captain and Gilligan, too,
Both lived in that grass hut for two;
But Ginger, the redhead,
Nor Mary Ann gave head;
Is what the professor thought true?
--- Anon

Poor Gilligan's in water so hot!
Avoiding substance abuse is not
So easy while
Your marooned on an isle.
That's why he was caught using pot.

(Bob Denver played Gilligan is busted for pot possession)
--- Puff Adder

Then you have Thurston Howell
And his goofy wife cheek by jowl.
If he's so rich,
Why'd he marry that witch?
He should cover her face with a towel.
--- Puff Adder

What about the silly professor,
A sort of father confessor,
With useless inventions
And silly pretensions;
Your chances with him were much lesser.
--- Puff Adder

This is file cum

Take the beautiful Mary Ann;
Of her I was never a fan.
The same goes for Ginger;
Their virtue not injured.
It had to be hard on the man.
--- Puff Adder

Pity the poor first mate;
All those years without a date.
His emotions held back.
He'd never attack;
He was just resigned to his fate.
--- Puff Adder

So now that Gilligan's back,
They ought to cut him some slack.
They busted his ass
With ten grams of grass.
It's not like he was shooting smack.
--- Puff Adder

Just sit back and you'll hear a tale
Of a fateful trip in a swale.
The tiny ship tossed
By the seas would be lost,
If not for the courageous sail-
--- Jon Gearhart

Ors who with their passengers landed
Out on a small isle and were stranded
For ages and ages
Through antics outrageous,
All caught by our cameras, candid.
--- Jon Gearhart

Now Gilligan and Mary Anne
Sometimes wandered off 'crossed the sand;
While Ginger and Skipper
Fought o'er the Big Dipper,
The Professor held in his hand.
--- Jon Gearhart

Gilligan, Skip, and Professor...
The Millionaire's wife? I detest her!
But oh, just one night
Under the moonlight,
I'd make Mary Anne scream out "Yes Sir!"
--- Bob Muychacha

Old Marv has been roundly defiled.
It has been a while since he smiled.
But before he wed,
I heard his wife said,
"I'm yours once your teeth have been filed."
--- Frank

Marv Albert is in court today.
'Not Guilty' is what he did say.
His lawyer, Roy Black,
Is far from a hack.
Some blood he will draw, not just pay.
--- Frank Fazed

For one month we now have to wait
Till the judge tells poor Marv his fate.
I'd venture a guess,
He'll not shout out "Yessssssssss!"
His network might show him the gate.
--- Frank Fazed

Proceedings have come to an end.
We all know which way Marv does bend.
From his guilty plea,
We've now come to see,
He's starting a new fashion trend.
--- Frank Fazed

Old Marv says he'll never confess
To tearing or blotting her dress.
To avoid total waste,
He said, "Here, have a taste."
She refused, but Marv answered, "Yessssss!"
--- Frank Fazed

The plaintiff, Roy surely will press:
'Just why were you out of your dress?
Marv's taste may be bent,
But did you consent?'
Then Marv will blurt out with a "Yesssssssss!"
--- Frank Fazed

Poor Marv must have really been smitten,
With his hot little horny sex kitten.
But I'll bet that the guy
From now on is twice shy,
Though it's she who has been once bitten.
--- MrMalo

"Though," Marv Albert said, "I've a cute Bod,
This season I'll not get the nod
Nor the pleasure to see
My name on a marque
Being broadcasting's Marquis de Sade."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711

"Well it sure was no kid's game, it's true."
Said one witness. "Marv Albert I knew
Enjoyed being kinky
In longerie slinky.
I backed out when he said, 'Bites on you!'"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711

New York's Marv Albert was bored;
It had been much too long since he'd scored.
But a hotel room tryst
Surely gives a new twist
To the "Albert Achievement Award".
--- KJ

Once Marv Albert announced off the cuff,
"Since the world now knows I like sex rough;
My fiancee, Heather,
Has questions if whether
My just Falkiner will be enough."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711

When he has one too many highballs,
It's then Marv Albert's libido calls.
That's when he feels svelte
In his garter belt,
With pink panties covering his balls.
--- Tom Patton P9711

She said, "First it sounded inviting,
In her bed with friend Marv, exciting.
On second thought
What if I'm caught
While he's front instead of back biting?"
--- Tom Patton P9711

NBC showed small sportsmanship
On learning of Albert's unzip.
Their action reported,
His job was aborted.
Post headline: "MARV GETS PINK SLIP".
--- Tom Patton P9711

Marv Albert set the sports world agog.
His mind snapped and his brain slipped a cog.
He started to bark,
His teeth made a mark.
It's always news when man bites a dog.
--- Tom Patton P9710a

Said the shrink to poor Marv, "Take a seat.
Your problem is easily beat.
Post hypnotic suggestion
You'll learn in one session.
The back ain't the part that you eat!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Now Mike Tyson, and Marv Albert before,
Both in boxing and foreplay galore,
Have come to be burned
When they sadly learned,
It's not with the teeth that you score.
--- Frank Spectre

This Tuesday finds Marv in the court
To offer his only retort:
I was not upon her.
She backed up, Your Honor,
I have nothing more to report.
--- Anon

While listening to Radio Three,
I thought "This just isn't for me."
It was something by Brecht
Which I didn't expect.
So I popped out for a Christopher Lee.
--- Kevin Hale Q

When turning on BBC2
I thought: "They need something brand new.
Something witty and funny,
That doesn't cost money.
Why not Sorry I Haven't A Clue?."
--- Kevin Hale Q

While listening to Radio Two,
Jimmy Young said: "My wig is askew."
I heard a cat's wail,
Then a hammer and nail,
And a terrible slurping of glue.
--- Kevin Hale Q

When "Dittoheads" listen to Rush,
They all tell each other to hush.
Though his "facts" are absurd,
They absorb every word,
'Cause their brains must have turned into mush.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q

While listening to Radio Four,
I suddenly heard Lord Haw-Haw.
He appears every day
To present Down Your Way --
Makes you wonder who did win the war!
--- Kevin Hale Q

We "watched" football! And baseball! And more!
Orphan Annie! Soap operas galore!
And that Fibber Magee!
Then along came TV.
Gosh. It looked a lot better before.
--- William N Nesbit P9812

A prominent Harvey named Paul
Was admired and respected by all,
Till one "Rest Of The Story"
Got graphic and gory;
He now rings a bell in a mall.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Paul Harvey, a likeable guy,
Daily pushed us to give Schwinn a try.
Till one day, who knows why,
He was caught in a lie,
And turned his 'good day' to 'good bye'
--- Jim Weaver Collection