Immune response never will wilt
In chewers of atmosphere silt.
More antigens grow.
So pick, do not blow,
And fuck all the stigma and guilt.
--- Anon

There was a crude wench named Anita,
Who claimed there was no way to beat a
Good dinner at Jakes:
Fine wines and great steaks,
Next followed by gobs of excreta.
--- Armand E Singer 607

A scrawny and wizened old Tom
Would shit like a prince - with aplomb.
But give him strong drink,
And soon you would think
His box had been hit by a bomb.
--- Anon

The office brown-noser named Bunky
Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
But when the chips were all down,
His proboscis was brown,
And there hung many strands which were gunky.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1360

If you own a home on the range,
The out-house may tend to derange.
When dark and un-hep,
To where the next step,
The cow turds you'll soon rearrange.
--- Irving Superior P9901

An Indian fakir named Udu
Was deep into magic and voodoo.
But his smelly brown charm,
Meant to ward off all harm,
Turned out to be vile canine doo-doo.
--- Armand E Singer P9901

I pondered this issue of words,
Like what would you call all those turds.
What words really fit,
If denied the word "Shit?"
Maybe "Doo Doo," but that's for the birds.
--- Bob Birch P9912

Perverted? I don't understant it;
Most people I rob now demand it.
With crowbar and rope,
A funnel and soap,
I've become "The Enema Bandit".
--- Frank

Some hope that I'll indulge my passion
For crime, tied and flushed dog-fashion.
They will not close
Their bedroom windows,
So lately I have had to ration.
--- Frank

While fording the bowels of young Dot,
The bandit sluiced more than he ought.
Her explosive purgation
Caused mass irrigation
Of the town, so he fled on a yacht.
--- Tutta Gioia

Two diggers of fossils stood rapt
As wondrous new relics they mapped.
Said one, "'Pon my word,
It's a fossilized turd
Where some creep in the crypt, crept and crapped."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2251

The other man said as he stooped,
"I think that we both have been duped.
No creep ever slipped
And crapped in the crypt,
But a pup in the pit, popped and pooped!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2252a

There was a young man of Newcastle,
Who tied up a shit in a parcel,
And sent it to Spain
With a note to explain,
That it came from his grandmother's arsell.
--- Norman Douglas

My child said, "What's fecal matter?"
"It's poopy, and piss from your bladder,
And the stuff between toes,
And the crap in your nose,
And pus, sweat, earwax, and fart splatter."
--- Cruelty Jones

I live in a house that's got
Some things that don't work so hot.
I flush the loo
To get rid of my poo,
But it keeps floating back to the top.
--- Gearhart

It floats because of the air;
Solid poo doesn't float there.
Eat burgers and fries
And mincemeat pies.
Keep us informed 'cause we care.
--- Saint

I went to my doctor to see
If there's too much air in my poopee.
"Your problem is one
That's easily solved, son --
More iron is what you now need."
--- Gearhart

I went to the local health store
To seek out the wisdom of Thor;
He is in sales
Of supplement-ales,
And iron they have there galore.
--- Gearhart

So I took them for nearly a week;
I notice results when I peek.
The turds quickly sink
And they surely do stink.
Now I flush and they stay in the creek.
--- Gearhart

A nancy-boy of Newcastle
Once wrapped up a turd in a parcel.
'Twas not to offend
But to send to a friend,
To show him the size of his arsehole.
--- G1431

There was a young lady of Newcastle,
Who wrapped up a turd in a parcel,
And sent it to a relation
With this invitation:
"It has just come out hot from my arsehole."
--- L0725

I parked in a field one fine day-o,
With Jane; soon I had it away-o.
The muck spreader's splashin'
Soon ended our passion,
How much for a pungent Mondeo? (European Ford sedan)
--- Anon

There's a pretty young girl named Suzanne
Who spent most of her time in the can.
When she was asked why,
She said with a cry,
"'Cause my breakfast consists of All Bran.
--- Thomas M Patton P9704

There was an old fellow from Roop
Who'd lost all control of his poop.
One evening at supper
His wife said, "Now Tupper,
Stop making that noise with your soup!"
--- L0735

There was an old man from Cape Verde
Who had trouble excreting a turd,
Until he could say
In perfect Francais,
Mon Dieu, it's only my merde.
--- Harry Rubin P9211

A pox on those perverts, the Kurds;
Disgusting their paean to turds:
"Since anal detritus
Doth duly delight us,
All else is just grist for the birds."
--- Armand Singer

'Fore elections, the promises are hurled,
And it's BS that's mostly unfurled.
If spread on the fields
To further the yields,
There would be enough food for the world.

(BS - bull shit)
--- Clarence E Boyle

A brilliant young lady named Lotty
Was suddenly acting quite dotty.
Experts said there's no doubt
What it was all about,
Was too early training at potty.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9404

There was a young man from El Paso
Whose penis was shaped like a lasso.
He presented this phallus
To a lady from Dallas,
And roped a turd out of her asshole.
--- G0964

Too bad you're not like my wife,
Who is given to ruining my life.
She wants me to think
That her shit doesn't stink;
May as well cut my throat with a knife.
--- F Ormatsee

The dung of a fellow named Frink,
Unlike dung we void, doesn't stink.
If he'd only shit faster,
He could sell it for plaster,
So he really should try, don't you think?
--- G1389

A Freudian theorist named Trulymore
Said your speech shows dimensions of body-core.
He could tell by your words,
If the size of your turds
Were broom-straw, pickle, or two-by-four.
--- Elaine Griffith

"Don't do that!" the husband repeated,
When he found that his wife had excreted.
She stopped and he cheered,
But mostly he feared
The supply of it would be depleted.
--- Dale

This is file clm

We all hate that Pratt boy named Jules,
Who fucks by the Queensberry rules.
His rectum is proper,
His prick is a whopper,
But Oh! When he lets go his stools!
--- G0989

The scientists thoughtfully brood
As famines on earth are renewed.
They seek to allay
Food shortage some day,
By conversion of feces to food.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2475

He don't know a beer from a cola.
He can't tell a Lyle from a Lola.
I doubt if you'll choose
To look at his shoes,
'Cause he don't know shit from Shinola.
--- Al Willis

A good humor man from Manila,
Stuck a freezer inside a gorilla,
Which, when fed the right food,
And benignedly screwed,
Shat chocolate, orange ice, and vanilla.
--- G1422

There once was a poet from Cushing,
Who got caught in the bathroom blushing.
He sang with a jig,
"The turd was so big,
It wouldn't got down with one flushing!"
--- Poet T9801a

Relating a tale that I heard
'Bout Larry -- our resident nerd,
Who went for a pee;
Stood under a tree
And scared the shit out of a bird.
--- SFA

Relating a tale, I won't tarry
Concerns a rhino called Harry.
While taking a wee,
He accidently
Frightened the shit out of Larry.
--- Wobbly

There once was a nice young man who
Laid an extraordinary long poo.
He let out a scream!
Can this be a dream?
This will never flush right down the loo.
--- Anon

Our water supply's out of kilter;
I called and soon heard back from Milt, "Er
You say that your crap's
Coming back through the taps?
Perhaps, Sir, you're needing a filter?"
--- John Miller

Nuch later, I heard more from Milt: "Er,
Beg pardeon, you do need a filter.
I sent Norma Banks
To check out our tanks,
And she slipped and fell in and it killed her.
--- John Miller

Old Norma, a spinster and quilter,
Found a man, but he opted to jilt her.
So we're taking bets:
Was it ancient regrets,
Or just toxic gasses that killed her.
--- John Miller

A gentleman named Mr. Little
Had a toilet bowl that was too brittle.
If his piss doesn't crack it,
Get your money and back it,
'Cause it's a sure bet that his shit'll.
--- Anon

In this outhouse, my task is most vexin';
Here I sit, asshole muscles a-flexin'.
It's a tought turd to pass,
I am (man! this is crass)
Giving birth to one more goddamn Texan.
--- Allen Wolverton

A mathematician named Hurd
Did prove, if you shit a square turd,
That the pain and the strain
Will effuse through the brain,
And your vision is apt to be blurred.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1209

A miner from Scranton, PA,
Swallowed anthracite dust every day.
When burdened with debts,
He shits coal-dust briquets,
Which he peddles to eke out his pay.
--- G1434

Such a pity about it,
Their mighty efforts to shit.
Instead of sated
They're constipated,
And can do nothing but sit.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

In German, the word, fartfergnugen,
Means smelling the gas that you're fugueing
In the bathtub, you know.
And if trying to go
But you can't, then they say, farfrompoopin.
--- Anon

The workers in Kimberley mines
Hid diamonds way up their behinds.
So out they won't come,
Or something that's equal and binds.
--- Irving Superior

The bosses of Kimberley mines,
For diamonds up workers' behinds
Used Exlax, of course;
Irresistible force,
Unmoving IMODIUM finds.
--- Irving Superior

A fellow who went on vacation
Was in search of some grand recreation,
But his pleasures were nil
When he fell rather ill
With a bout of intense constipation.
--- Cap'n Bean P0607

A wife who bore quite a big grudge,
Against her husband and made him some fudge.
But her husband did savor
The laxative flavor
That moved things that never would budge.
--- Anon

There once was a man from Peru,
After searching all day for a loo,
His poop was so hard,
Measured at least a yard,
Before he was finally through.
--- Arden

The appendectomy was only two bit
And his trainers are having a fit.
He's blown up like a clown
And his eyes have turned brown;
The candidate can't take a shit.
--- mdt1

If used as a purge, it'll please ya,
If constipation should seize ya.
It's from the Pacific
And it is terrific;
It's called Milk of Micronesia.
--- Al Willis P9702

There was a young jaygee named Pitt
Whose anus refused to emit.
This terrible curse
Put his bowels in reverse,
And filled up his jowls with shit.
--- G1508

I grunt and groan like a fighter;
My abdominal muscles grow tighter.
I was going to diet;
I won't have to try it,
As now I am three kilos lighter.
--- Swings TP9806

A lab tech with acute constipation
Found relief through cetrifugation.
At one thousand times mass,
Shit flew out his ass,
And he found both relief and elation.
--- VOL 10

A bed-ridden woman named Fran
Had a strong urge to get to the can.
The nurse said to her, "Dearie,"
In a voice that was cheery,
"There's a ban on the can, use the pan."
--- Edwin J Weinstein

There was an old drover from Durban
Who kept camel turds in his turban.
The smell from the pile
Was awfully vile --
To passersby mighty disturbin'.
--- Armand E Singer 61

I really don't know what you mean.
You think I was being obscene?
What? Fingering her booty?
No! Doing my duty,
To check if her diaper was clean.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A lady whose name was Jennene
Went walking beside a cool stream.
But it was too dark;
She tripped on some bark
And into a stinking latrine.
--- Donald McGill

Said Jennene, "Though all covered in turds,
I had uttered too many cuss words;
And swallowed a mite...
I lost my appetite,
Now my weight is down by two-thirds."
--- David Miller

Now whether you stand or you squat,
Here's a piece of advice that I've got:
What ever you do,
Number 1, even 2...
You'll go upstairs to empty the pot.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Fastidious, a fellow named Roilet:
Whenever he sit on the toilet,
He catches his poops
In stainless steel scoops
(He claims it's indecent to soil it.)
--- Armand E Singer 663