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Immune response never will wilt There was a crude wench named Anita, A scrawny and wizened old Tom The office brown-noser named Bunky If you own a home on the range, An Indian fakir named Udu I pondered this issue of words, Perverted? I don't understant it; Some hope that I'll indulge my passion While fording the bowels of young Dot, Two diggers of fossils stood rapt The other man said as he stooped, There was a young man of Newcastle, My child said, "What's fecal matter?" I live in a house that's got It floats because of the air; I went to my doctor to see I went to the local health store So I took them for nearly a week; A nancy-boy of Newcastle There was a young lady of Newcastle, I parked in a field one fine day-o, There's a pretty young girl named Suzanne There was an old fellow from Roop There was an old man from Cape Verde A pox on those perverts, the Kurds; 'Fore elections, the promises are hurled, (BS - bull shit)
A brilliant young lady named Lotty There was a young man from El Paso Too bad you're not like my wife, The dung of a fellow named Frink, A Freudian theorist named Trulymore "Don't do that!" the husband repeated, We all hate that Pratt boy named Jules, The scientists thoughtfully brood He don't know a beer from a cola. A good humor man from Manila, There once was a poet from Cushing, Relating a tale that I heard Relating a tale, I won't tarry There once was a nice young man who Our water supply's out of kilter; Nuch later, I heard more from Milt: "Er, Old Norma, a spinster and quilter, A gentleman named Mr. Little In this outhouse, my task is most vexin'; A mathematician named Hurd A miner from Scranton, PA, Such a pity about it, In German, the word, fartfergnugen, The workers in Kimberley mines The bosses of Kimberley mines, A fellow who went on vacation A wife who bore quite a big grudge, There once was a man from Peru, The appendectomy was only two bit If used as a purge, it'll please ya, There was a young jaygee named Pitt I grunt and groan like a fighter; A lab tech with acute constipation A bed-ridden woman named Fran There was an old drover from Durban I really don't know what you mean. A lady whose name was Jennene Said Jennene, "Though all covered in turds, Now whether you stand or you squat, Fastidious, a fellow named Roilet:
In chewers of atmosphere silt.
More antigens grow.
So pick, do not blow,
And fuck all the stigma and guilt.
--- Anon
Who claimed there was no way to beat a
Good dinner at Jakes:
Fine wines and great steaks,
Next followed by gobs of excreta.
--- Armand E Singer 607
Would shit like a prince - with aplomb.
But give him strong drink,
And soon you would think
His box had been hit by a bomb.
--- Anon
Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
But when the chips were all down,
His proboscis was brown,
And there hung many strands which were gunky.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1360
The out-house may tend to derange.
When dark and un-hep,
To where the next step,
The cow turds you'll soon rearrange.
--- Irving Superior P9901
Was deep into magic and voodoo.
But his smelly brown charm,
Meant to ward off all harm,
Turned out to be vile canine doo-doo.
--- Armand E Singer P9901
Like what would you call all those turds.
What words really fit,
If denied the word "Shit?"
Maybe "Doo Doo," but that's for the birds.
--- Bob Birch P9912
Most people I rob now demand it.
With crowbar and rope,
A funnel and soap,
I've become "The Enema Bandit".
--- Frank
For crime, tied and flushed dog-fashion.
They will not close
Their bedroom windows,
So lately I have had to ration.
--- Frank
The bandit sluiced more than he ought.
Her explosive purgation
Caused mass irrigation
Of the town, so he fled on a yacht.
--- Tutta Gioia
As wondrous new relics they mapped.
Said one, "'Pon my word,
It's a fossilized turd
Where some creep in the crypt, crept and crapped."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2251
"I think that we both have been duped.
No creep ever slipped
And crapped in the crypt,
But a pup in the pit, popped and pooped!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2252a
Who tied up a shit in a parcel,
And sent it to Spain
With a note to explain,
That it came from his grandmother's arsell.
--- Norman Douglas
"It's poopy, and piss from your bladder,
And the stuff between toes,
And the crap in your nose,
And pus, sweat, earwax, and fart splatter."
--- Cruelty Jones
Some things that don't work so hot.
I flush the loo
To get rid of my poo,
But it keeps floating back to the top.
--- Gearhart
Solid poo doesn't float there.
Eat burgers and fries
And mincemeat pies.
Keep us informed 'cause we care.
--- Saint
If there's too much air in my poopee.
"Your problem is one
That's easily solved, son --
More iron is what you now need."
--- Gearhart
To seek out the wisdom of Thor;
He is in sales
Of supplement-ales,
And iron they have there galore.
--- Gearhart
I notice results when I peek.
The turds quickly sink
And they surely do stink.
Now I flush and they stay in the creek.
--- Gearhart
Once wrapped up a turd in a parcel.
'Twas not to offend
But to send to a friend,
To show him the size of his arsehole.
--- G1431
Who wrapped up a turd in a parcel,
And sent it to a relation
With this invitation:
"It has just come out hot from my arsehole."
--- L0725
With Jane; soon I had it away-o.
The muck spreader's splashin'
Soon ended our passion,
How much for a pungent Mondeo? (European Ford sedan)
--- Anon
Who spent most of her time in the can.
When she was asked why,
She said with a cry,
"'Cause my breakfast consists of All Bran.
--- Thomas M Patton P9704
Who'd lost all control of his poop.
One evening at supper
His wife said, "Now Tupper,
Stop making that noise with your soup!"
--- L0735
Who had trouble excreting a turd,
Until he could say
In perfect Francais,
Mon Dieu, it's only my merde.
--- Harry Rubin P9211
Disgusting their paean to turds:
"Since anal detritus
Doth duly delight us,
All else is just grist for the birds."
--- Armand Singer
And it's BS that's mostly unfurled.
If spread on the fields
To further the yields,
There would be enough food for the world.
--- Clarence E Boyle
Was suddenly acting quite dotty.
Experts said there's no doubt
What it was all about,
Was too early training at potty.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9404
Whose penis was shaped like a lasso.
He presented this phallus
To a lady from Dallas,
And roped a turd out of her asshole.
--- G0964
Who is given to ruining my life.
She wants me to think
That her shit doesn't stink;
May as well cut my throat with a knife.
--- F Ormatsee
Unlike dung we void, doesn't stink.
If he'd only shit faster,
He could sell it for plaster,
So he really should try, don't you think?
--- G1389
Said your speech shows dimensions of body-core.
He could tell by your words,
If the size of your turds
Were broom-straw, pickle, or two-by-four.
--- Elaine Griffith
When he found that his wife had excreted.
She stopped and he cheered,
But mostly he feared
The supply of it would be depleted.
--- Dale
This is file clm
Who fucks by the Queensberry rules.
His rectum is proper,
His prick is a whopper,
But Oh! When he lets go his stools!
--- G0989
As famines on earth are renewed.
They seek to allay
Food shortage some day,
By conversion of feces to food.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2475
He can't tell a Lyle from a Lola.
I doubt if you'll choose
To look at his shoes,
'Cause he don't know shit from Shinola.
--- Al Willis
Stuck a freezer inside a gorilla,
Which, when fed the right food,
And benignedly screwed,
Shat chocolate, orange ice, and vanilla.
--- G1422
Who got caught in the bathroom blushing.
He sang with a jig,
"The turd was so big,
It wouldn't got down with one flushing!"
--- Poet T9801a
'Bout Larry -- our resident nerd,
Who went for a pee;
Stood under a tree
And scared the shit out of a bird.
--- SFA
Concerns a rhino called Harry.
While taking a wee,
He accidently
Frightened the shit out of Larry.
--- Wobbly
Laid an extraordinary long poo.
He let out a scream!
Can this be a dream?
This will never flush right down the loo.
--- Anon
I called and soon heard back from Milt, "Er
You say that your crap's
Coming back through the taps?
Perhaps, Sir, you're needing a filter?"
--- John Miller
Beg pardeon, you do need a filter.
I sent Norma Banks
To check out our tanks,
And she slipped and fell in and it killed her.
--- John Miller
Found a man, but he opted to jilt her.
So we're taking bets:
Was it ancient regrets,
Or just toxic gasses that killed her.
--- John Miller
Had a toilet bowl that was too brittle.
If his piss doesn't crack it,
Get your money and back it,
'Cause it's a sure bet that his shit'll.
--- Anon
Here I sit, asshole muscles a-flexin'.
It's a tought turd to pass,
I am (man! this is crass)
Giving birth to one more goddamn Texan.
--- Allen Wolverton
Did prove, if you shit a square turd,
That the pain and the strain
Will effuse through the brain,
And your vision is apt to be blurred.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1209
Swallowed anthracite dust every day.
When burdened with debts,
He shits coal-dust briquets,
Which he peddles to eke out his pay.
--- G1434
Their mighty efforts to shit.
Instead of sated
They're constipated,
And can do nothing but sit.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Means smelling the gas that you're fugueing
In the bathtub, you know.
And if trying to go
But you can't, then they say, farfrompoopin.
--- Anon
Hid diamonds way up their behinds.
So out they won't come,
They'd IMODIUM,
Or something that's equal and binds.
--- Irving Superior
For diamonds up workers' behinds
Used Exlax, of course;
Irresistible force,
Unmoving IMODIUM finds.
--- Irving Superior
Was in search of some grand recreation,
But his pleasures were nil
When he fell rather ill
With a bout of intense constipation.
--- Cap'n Bean P0607
Against her husband and made him some fudge.
But her husband did savor
The laxative flavor
That moved things that never would budge.
--- Anon
After searching all day for a loo,
His poop was so hard,
Measured at least a yard,
Before he was finally through.
--- Arden
And his trainers are having a fit.
He's blown up like a clown
And his eyes have turned brown;
The candidate can't take a shit.
--- mdt1
If constipation should seize ya.
It's from the Pacific
And it is terrific;
It's called Milk of Micronesia.
--- Al Willis P9702
Whose anus refused to emit.
This terrible curse
Put his bowels in reverse,
And filled up his jowls with shit.
--- G1508
My abdominal muscles grow tighter.
I was going to diet;
I won't have to try it,
As now I am three kilos lighter.
--- Swings TP9806
Found relief through cetrifugation.
At one thousand times mass,
Shit flew out his ass,
And he found both relief and elation.
--- VOL 10
Had a strong urge to get to the can.
The nurse said to her, "Dearie,"
In a voice that was cheery,
"There's a ban on the can, use the pan."
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who kept camel turds in his turban.
The smell from the pile
Was awfully vile --
To passersby mighty disturbin'.
--- Armand E Singer 61
You think I was being obscene?
What? Fingering her booty?
No! Doing my duty,
To check if her diaper was clean.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Went walking beside a cool stream.
But it was too dark;
She tripped on some bark
And into a stinking latrine.
--- Donald McGill
I had uttered too many cuss words;
And swallowed a mite...
I lost my appetite,
Now my weight is down by two-thirds."
--- David Miller
Here's a piece of advice that I've got:
What ever you do,
Number 1, even 2...
You'll go upstairs to empty the pot.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whenever he sit on the toilet,
He catches his poops
In stainless steel scoops
(He claims it's indecent to soil it.)
--- Armand E Singer 663
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