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A short sighted sculler from Quintin A four that was racing ahead, A TRC coach dismissed grace While the paddlers assembled at dawn, Our mood began quickly to sink, We returned to the scene of the crime With a face all embarrassed and red, All our arms were beginning to ache The stroke of a men's coxless four Some rowers who row in a scull, A cox's approached LRC (London Rowing Club?) A sculler who rowed out of Vesper, There was a math student named Katie There was a young student from Yale, Vibrator-less, Ellen's frustration Resulting from Ellen's flirtation, There once was a boy from Vail, Through mist that was viscous as pea soup, I once knew a lass, broad of beam, A cutter may look like a sloop There was a young sailor named Vetch An animal lover called Cilla There's a lot of small boats down at Hayling, I float down a river of gas -- Around-the-world yachtswoman Ellen, Ah, Oggy, you're telling tall tales! An Intrepid crew of relations An athletic young schoolgirl named Sue In Paris a food connoisseur With his feet on his board tightly locked Once a young swimmer named Jewel, A popular speed-swimming lass There was a young swimmer named Jake, There was a great swimmer named Hidges (Hampton Wick = prick)
A skin diving couple named Creel A swimming instructor from Poole, The lifeguards all set off alarms There was a young man called Jim There was a young man of Cache Creek, There once was a diver named Jim, The girl lost her earmuffs while driving; The illustrious Lighthill, Sir Jim, There was a boy-wonder from Grath, Team Captain was young swimmer Restoke. Now breast-stroke's my favourite style. I ain't done it yet, I admit, There was a young fellow named Jim, Instead of just sittin' here limmin' For swimming, my niece has the knack -- Now eatin' a lot tends to bloat 'em, For training, a lesbian swimmer At Scout Camp, a counselor named Jim I'm always real nice to young women, A lovely girl swimmer named Sive, There was a young bather named Mark, There was a young woman in Duncan Although my friends think me a flake, A fetching young lady from Potter Our daughter's gone way off to school; Her boyfriend's a guy with no fear; They put all their hearts in their learnin', A young scuba diver called Jeff There once was a girl so lovely, A long distance swimmer named May, In summer the grass was so sweet, Remember that ol' swimmin' hole, You suddenly seemed so shy.
On the cost of his glasses was stintin'.
But girls won't make passes
At men who wear glasses,
So he'd rather appear to be squintin'.
--- Anon
Discovered their cox'n was dead.
So to speed up their ride,
Dumped him over the side,
And finished it coxless, instead.
--- Anon
And was interested only in pace.
Though not in a boat,
It was ergo "by rote,"
For he thought it could win him a race.
--- Anon
We ran into Mickey D John.
We took a quick pee
Then ran out to see
The others had already gone.
--- Topper
As we looked everywhere we could think.
They had left without us.
Oh man, did we cuss.
'Twas the pits and they started to stink.
--- Topper
And waited for quite a long time.
We were 'bout out of luck
When we spotted the truck
With a driver just grinning sublime.
--- Topper
An apology, humbly was said.
We were glad he returned
And the lesson we learned
Was to piss in the water, instead.
--- Topper
As we strained at the oars on the lake.
But we felt it too petty
To mention the jetty,
Still dragging along in our wake.
--- David A Brooks
Found low rating a bit of a bore.
But by losing the slide
He could rate eighty-five
And on good days a little bit more.
--- Anon
Find the task exceedingly dull.
They can't see the scene,
Just where they have been,
And they risk getting pooped by a gull.
--- William K Alsop Jr
And enquired of their membership fee.
"All this money you ask
Just to sit on my ass?
I'd be better off back at the lea."
--- Anon
Had been seen in the showers with chest hair.
"The steroids, you see,
Just took 'hold of me."
So the police just came to arrest her.
--- Anon
Who sits through her classes sedately.
But out with the crew
She rows 'til she's blue.
Someday they will end up in Haiti.
--- M Hale
Who took his girl for a sail,
When up sprang a breeze
That ruffled the seas,
Turning the sailors exceedingly pale.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Excited a lonely Cetacean;
Her ship nearly sunk
In a sea of spunk,
From her Sperm whale fornication.
--- David Miller
She's caught a bad case of crustacean;
And'll soon have for sale
A baby Sperm whale,
After sixty-four weeks gestation.
--- David Miller
Who decided to go for a sail.
But the waves were quit thick
And that sure made him sick,
So he spent his sail over the rail.
--- Wayne F Barney
Sailed a plucky albeit a wee sloop.
Said the skipper to mate,
"With great care navigate;
This haze is so thick you can't see poop."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0507
Whose keel could displace the gulf stream.
A truly fine ketch,
A-top me she'd fetch.
As she came about we'd both scream.
--- Anon
But if you go forward and snoop,
Between jib and main,
A staysail will reign.
Then no one can call you a dupe.
--- Larry Davis P8712
Who took his girl out on his ketch.
She did learn in a thrice
How the main brace to splice,
And came out very well in the stretch.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0370
Went sailing with her pet gorilla.
They took several knocks
And landed on rocks
When he pushed the wrong way on the tiller.
--- Funfax Limericks
Where they really enjoy going sailing.
But sometimes there's bailing
If the wind is not tailing,
Or the skills of the skipper are failing.
--- Dick Hedger
Drift left-right-up-down as I pass
Past schools of wise fish,
And dumb farts boorish.
Thank God none have yet bit my ass.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A frustrating tale has been tellin';
"I lost my vibrator
While near the equator,
And can't wait to jump on Ogg's swellin'."
--- Anon
Torn sails, horny whales and brisk gales,
Have wrung this gal out.
You're well-hung, no doubt,
But any comparison fails.
--- Anon
Took part in a boat race of nations.
They crossed the line first,
And are ready to burst.
Your Claire should get all her rations!
--- Anon
Lives next to a river near Crewe.
She can sail, she can skate --
In the water she's great!
She can't row a boat though. Canoe?
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Bought a boat with the name "Immature."
Decided to change it
And so did arrange it:
Sailing away on the "Sloop du Jour."
--- Tom Patton P0209
Through the waves a young wind-surfer rocked.
As he leaned to the lee,
A shark surged from the sea,
And the wind-surfer went off half-cocked.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9206
So fat her friends called her a fool,
Who went for a swim,
But when she jumped in,
She heard "Everybody out of the pool!"
--- His Peace
Contested the pond with a bass.
The fish, being thinner
Was easily the winner.
Nothing adds to the drag like an ass.
--- Anon
Who lived on the shore of a lake.
Each morning he swam
Right up to the dam,
Then swam home to eat a hot cake.
--- Thomas A Ratliff Jr P0401
This is file cll
Whose 'bottle' was bitten by midges. (bottle & glass = ass)
To avoid this attack
He swam on his back,
But his Hampton got bashed on the bridges.
--- G2734b
Found marine life had special appeal.
His dick he would show fish,
Till blown by a blow fish,
While she got it on with an eel!
--- Rowdy Jack
Met a pleasant young lady from Goole.
His breast stroke empressed her,
So having undressed her,
He plunged in his Olympic sized tool.
--- Professor
When a blonde swimmer, despite all her charms,
In the breast stroke swim meet,
Said the other girls cheat:
"The other girls all used their arms!"
--- Res Ipsa
Who thought he would go for a swim.
He jumped in the pool,
But felt such a fool,
Because there was no water within.
--- Susan Leigh
Whose girl-friend described him as weak.
He tried to amaze her
By swimming the Fraser...
There WAS a young man of Cache Creek.
--- John E Mayhood P0800
Who didn't quite know how to swim.
Out of his gourd,
He jumped off the board.
And now his prognosis is grim.
--- David McCarty
They blew in the lake, but surviving,
A young man dove in
With snorkel and fin;
Certified in the job of muff diving.
--- Anon
Pioneered math for how creatures swim,
Which he used to swim 'round
Sark. But sadly, he drowned
From his circum-natational whim.
--- Prof M-G TP9807
Who embraced the Olympian path.
He swam three times a day
Across four miles of bay,
And then drowned at age five in his bath.
--- David A Brooks
He practiced before all the rest woke.
He practiced the crawl,
The backstroke and all,
And at night he perfected his breast stroke.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8306
(No surprise? Yes, I thought you might smile.)
But I've every intention
(I thought I'd just mention)
Of swimming today for a mile.
--- Anon
For my eyes get distracted by tit
And the wobble and bounce
Of those girlies who flounce;
It's no wonder my swim-trunks don't fit.
--- Anon
Who liked to get naked and swim
With plastic sex toys,
Shaped like pubescent boys,
'Cause he'd rather be gay than grim.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
'Bout gorgeous young girlies and women,
I'll go to the beach,
(It's quite easy to reach)
And indulge in a smidgeon of swimmin'.
--- Anon
It's her brains where there is some slack.
She swam half the lake,
And said, "I'll never make
it." And so turned around and came back.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But I don't mind coz I can tote 'em.
Large wimmin are dandy;
They sure come in handy,
In swimmin'; they're great for a float 'em.
--- Anon
Will sit in a sauna and simmer,
Then get in the pool,
Where she starts to drool,
When paced by another girl's quimmer.
--- Anon
Had a choice of duties that was grim.
He could be a life guard,
Which was very hard,
Or wash dishes; it was sink or swim.
--- Tom Patton P9902
And never say they're needing slimmin';
I never ignore 'em,
I truly adore 'em,
Especially when nude they are swimmin'.
--- Anon
Was swingy, tough, eager, alive.
"I keep my head above water,"
She said, "As I oughter,
But I like best of all a low dive."
--- Anon
Who once saw the fin of a shark.
He said, "The deep sea
Is no place for me.
I'll swim in the lake in the park."
--- Anon
About the same shape as a punkin;
To get herself cool
She jumped in a pool,
And when I last looked, she had sunken.
--- Limber Limericks
On New Year's, a swim I do take.
And now, I have found
That dear Puget Sound
Is colder, by far, than a lake.
--- Anon
Could swim like a fish or an otter;
One day for a lark
She was racing a shark,
But she wasn't that good, and he got her.
--- Lims Unlimited
She learning and that's really cool!
She says she will pass
And her favorite class
Is located down deep in a pool!
--- Anon
A brave guy with great scuba gear.
No water's too cold
For this guy, we're told;
Dives in with a smile ear to ear!
--- Anon
As well as the money they're earnin'.
When they get through with college,
They'll have all the best knowledge
To find fish where the deep water's churnin'!
--- Anon
Was so good at holding his breff,
He could swim anywhere
On a lungful of air,
Which scared his poor muvver to deff.
--- Michael Palin
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly.
She strapped on her tanks,
And started her pranks,
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When crossing the Channel one day,
For a bit of a lark,
Got a lift from a shark...
What became of her no one can say.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Lying together under this tree in the heat,
Bereft of our clothes
Because we chose
Skinny dipping in the stream as a treat.
--- Azul
Skinny dippin' it was our main goal.
Often each summer
It was a bummer,
When you started hidin' your pole.
--- Anon
I had to, of course, find out why.
Oh what a surprise!
Just look at their size!
To think of it still makes me sigh.
--- Anon
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