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On a recent trip to Darjeeling, Now look here, the bathroom is peeling! The laxative left a bad taste, With quick-step to toilet, all bent, A tight-assed old fellow named Byrd Another matter to muse, anatomical; For his birthday, a chap from Great Britain, I can't hardly believe it's true, But now you are older and grown, There was a young man from Split, You'll find -- with no ifs, buts, or maybes -- There once was a young man from St Joe In the heart of a lady there stirred Last summer a diver named Porter In this world there is one thing that's sure: John, who was flushed with elation, When cooking an egg, you must boil it, While searching last week for some treacle,
(Syrup) Quite an agreeable fellow, Perhaps, Sir, you've built up a guyot Here I sit on the throne; (stone = 14 pounds)
At this stage in life for this chap, There was a small Rajah of Jaipur A lady of beauty and wit I'm sorry, I haven't a clue; There was once a fastidious nut Keep feeding your kids dates and prunes, I'm sitting in stall number three; There once was a baby named Drew; Here we've a system called septic; Said a green cabin-dweller named Cade, A lady with bad constipation An efficient young fellow named Dave, A punctual fellow, named Drew, A silly young man from Kent, There was a young lady of Purdbright, There was an old fellow of Pittwood, There once was a high-flying bird 'Cross the desert, her hub wouldn't heed T'ward the road, she then empties her bowels; The new Guggenheim built in Bilbao There has never (it's never been truer) A nearsighted cleric from Queens The dog shit I see is infinite When growing Spring gardens, it's true; Mama smiled with great APPROBATION, Trust a gourmet to act real hedonic, An unfortunate fellow named Pippin, A man that came from Tambov A southern sharecropper named Lovell As a toddler I pooped in dad's shoe; A Mafia Don (lived in Queens) Some viewers don't know what they missed; While taking a shit in the sink, In Dorset my grandmother, Dot, (Elsan Bristol - supposed 1st portable toilet)
The press, with the facts they do fiddle, A stableman, fresh from the Ruhr, One evening while eating a curry, Lamented professor George Pease, Said a schoolboy politely to Spratt, Requested to leave her dull party In Calcutta they sleep on the street; Poop in the woods, if you please; A young tramp who sleeps in a sewer, While caving in ice I just might While reading, it's obvious you There once was a Bruce from Newcastle
It was not too well I was feeling.
I fear that the curry
Went through in a hurry,
And splattered the walls and the ceiling.
--- Anon
Why didn't you just go to Eeling,
And eat Shepherd's Pie?
Would have left you bone-dry,
As well as the bathroom ceiling.
--- Anon
My stomach was feeling like paste;
I rushed to the loo
And left a quick poo;
It's true what they say: "Waste makes haste!"
--- Anon
To find a quick seat, quite intent,
The torturedsoul flew.
He suddenly knew
He'd picked the wrong APERIENT.
--- Chris Papa
Claimed failure was simply absurd;
No matter how costive,
Through efforts exhaustive,
He always could squeeze out one turd.
--- Armand Singer
More educational than comical.
Using four-letter words,
You pass tapered turds,
So your ass won't slam shut on your monical.
--- S C Saint
Was given a rocker to sit in;
A knob on his door,
A brass cuspidor,
And a blue chamberpot, just to shit in.
--- G1395
That you're already thirty-two!
Seems like yesterday,
That I watched you play,
And changed your diapers of poo-poo.
--- Anon
With wife, kids, a house and cell phone.
Living way out there,
And wear underwear,
And you clean the poo from your own.
--- Anon
Who was thrilled at the thought of a shit.
He was simply elated,
'Till he grew constipated,
But that took all the pleasure from it.
--- L0753
Old age is as pleasant as scabies.
You'll discover, alas,
With your teeth in a glass,
That diapers are not just for babies.
--- Big Sister
Whose bowels moved each morn in a row.
He'd get out of bed,
And go straight to the head;
He's now known for his get up and go.
--- Tom Patton P0303
A joy for which there was no word.
As the feeling progressed,
She farted with zest,
And thoughtfully dropped a fat turd.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1234
Tooks hundreds of craps underwater.
They affect, to this day,
Every fish in the bay,
Which is why fish don't taste like it ought to.
--- Frank Perdue P8604a
For eating there's really no cure.
What you chew as fine chow,
Wanders through you somehow,
And ends up as human manure.
--- Grand Prix Lim 20 G1465
Had cause for a huge celebration.
When he found it was fruit
That could help him toot toot,
And rid him of his constipation.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
And eat it quickly not to spoil it.
In your stomach it stays
For three or four days,
Then sadly you flush it down the toilet.
--- Cass A Nova
I saw a large parrot whose beak'll
Crush small insects at play,
But now don't go away.
The ending, of course, will be fecal.
--- John Dohner P8801
This baby, so quiet and mellow.
Though a talker, he's not.
He's an active young tot.
He spends most of his time shitting yellow.
--- Luke Sheppard
Of shit, through a fibre-free diet.
So mark down these words:
To free farts and turds,
Eat cabbage and beans, then let fly it.
--- Anon
Lots of grunts and a big groan.
A massive plop
From an eight-inch drop;
I think that I've lost half a stone.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A fine thing is Sunday's long nap.
Yes, sex is still great,
But it doesn't rate
As high as a nap, then a crap!
--- Travis Brasell
Who never quite outgrew his diaper.
Almost nobody fussed;
Indeed, there was just
One old griper, that viper, his wiper.
--- David A Brooks Q
Remarked as she squatted to shit:
"Are there no polite words
Used to designate turds?--
Just plain shit doesn't please me one bit!"
--- G1483
It's great when your sat on the loo;
You ponder and strain,
Groan now and again,
And soon will come 'round number two.
--- Carroll Stinger
Had a pacemaker installed in his gut.
Now for his amusement,
He can dial his own movement;
Irregularity is anything but.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
And you'll keep them out of saloons.
They'll be busy sittin'
On the can a shittin',
Every night and most afternoons.
--- Anon
I really have to shit and to pee.
I'll wipe and I'll flush,
Send it down in a rush,
And let out a sigh of relief!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He liked to chatter and coo.
He was rather sweet
But not very neat
When into his diaper he'd poo.
--- Serena Henley
With the tiniest critters to digest ick;
Mind what you flush
Or they'll all turn to mush;
It's a heck of a jam when they call in sick!
--- Will Schnabel
"Shit surely will bio-degrade.
Since I've no indoor plumbing,
When crap is a-coming,
I'll head for the woods with a spade."
--- James Bryant
Was near crazy with consternation.
Then her problem was solved
When her doctor involved
The process of elimination.
--- Tom Patton P0800
Said, "Think of the money I save,
By avoiding vacations,
And sexual relations,
And taking a crap when I shave."
--- L0683
This is file cjm
He shat at 11:02;
At 11:03,
He proceeded to pee;
At 11:04, he was through.
--- Cap'n Bean P2006
Was intrigued by a horrible scent.
In a second or two,
He went all down the loo,
To see where his dinner had went.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who never could quite get her turd right.
She'd go in a closet
And leave a deposit,
Like a mouse, or a bat, or a bird might.
--- L0731
Who never was able to shit good.
He'd leave small deposits
On shelves and in closets,
As a very small pup or a kit would.
--- L0732
Who dropped a large spattering turd
All over my car.
It was sticky like tar;
The mess was widespread and absurd.
--- Jeff Gipson
Her pleas for to stop for The Need;
So she rolls down the glass;
And then sticks her bare ass,
Out the window, no matter their speed!
--- Anon
Barely missing two tramps! Then one howls;
"What kind of terbakky
She be chewin' by crackee?"
"Dunno, but goddamn! Dem's big jowls!"
--- Anon
Makes one think of the guts of a cow.
It seems multi-dimensional,
But not really intentional...
It's right after the cow had its chow.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Been glory in cleaning a sewer.
But if no one will do it,
Then all must wade through it,
As clean spots grow fewer and fewer
--- Bluebird
Walked in to Denny's, it seems.
He dropped his drawers
And shit on the floor;
He thought he was in the latrine.
--- Gearhart
And I'll pick one up in a minute,
And sniff it and taste it
And when I've replaced it,
I make sure I never step in it.
--- Anon
The best fertilizer is poo.
Plants will grow faster
But rain brings disaster,
And slick stinky stuff on your shoe.
--- Anon
As Junior's bowel elimination
Was fittingly bowled,
Not in diaper's fold,
As cause of much jubilation.
--- Chris Papa
Any time constipation gets chronic.
It is said that in France,
He will pull off his pants,
And then call for a pina colonic.
--- Don Moore P0510Q
Indulged in too much Guiness sippin'.
His stools were so large,
Some big as a barge,
And a definite hazard to shipping.
--- Nick Cheek
Was suddenly hit from above
By something most icky,
All smelly and sticky;
It came from the ass of a dove.
--- Anon
Had no indoor john in his hovel;
No griper, no mourner,
He'd crap in a corner,
And scoop up the poop with a shovel.
--- Armand E Singer 867
'Twas lumpy and rolled out of view.
I got a stern warning
At six the next morning,
And I pointed to Winnie the Pooh.
--- Anon
Had access to various means
To baffle the law,
But the best that I saw
Was in court when he soiled his jeans.
--- Frank Fazed
The spectators all were quite pissed.
The stench filled the court,
His Honor's retort...
"Get him the hell out, case dismissed."
--- Frank Fazed
I suddenly started to think,
Was I doing it wrong?
Had I squeezed for too long?
My excreta was fluorescent pink.
--- E J F
Who was 99, went for a squat
On an Elsan I'm told
When 'twas terribly cold,
And got frozen to death on the spot.
--- Peter Wilkins
Whilst forgetting Media means Middle.
But I really must say
Newspapers are the best way
Of teaching a pet where to piddle.
--- Frank Petersohn
Had a daughter, delightful and pure.
It seems such a shame
That her chief claim to fame
Was her great skill in pitching manure.
--- Isaac Asimov
I had to get out in a hurry.
The waiter said, "Hey!
You've forgotten to pay!"
But by then I was halfway to Surrey.
--- Bill Wall
"Researching's not worth the steep fees;
I've found rodent feces
Polluting the theses
Of most of the best PhD's."
--- Armand Singer
Sir, the sofa on which you just sat,
Well, unless I'm mistaken,
The spot you have taken
Is that on which Pussy just shat.
--- David A Brooks Q
By overnice Mrs. McCarty,
I shat on her floor
Right by the front door...
I hope that upsets the old smarty.
--- Grand Prix Lim 925
In spring that's a medium feat.
But when monsoons come down,
And you're waist-deep in brown,
Your bedroom is full of excrete!
--- K R Swift TP9901
Stop spreading your fecal disease,
In communal restrooms,
Those viral "infestrooms"...
You're better off squatting 'mongst trees.
--- Acetous
Leaves it with an odour impure.
His perfume Eau de Nile
Changed his sex appeal,
As his friends are now fewer and fewer.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Discover a new stalagtite
But if I got lost
Down there in the frost
I'd create my own stalagshite.
--- Anon
Must squeeze out a plunker or two.
But don't be a chump
Just go take a dump.
It's best to leave many than phew.
--- Anon
Who rolled up a turd in a parcel;
He sent it by plane
To a poofter in Spain,
To show him the size of his arse-hole.
--- Anon
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