A girl named Hardwick was struck
With a cricket ball--"Out for a duck."
Her tombstone's lonely
With these words only:
"Hardwick -- hard ball -- hard luck."
--- Charlie Chester

The village green, the weather holds fair;
The last man's in at the crease -- pats his hair.
The fast bowler ran long;
The stroke went all wrong;
Out first ball, second time, for "a pair".
--- Arthur Pattaffy

And to football I merely reply
That cricket is well worth a try!
Watch the 'wikky' bail ya
Down here in Australia!
Though the commentary's somewhat more dry...

On the green field of play he did stand
With a hard cricket ball in each hand,
Which he fondly caressed,
For the man was obsessed
With the largest cricket bat in the land.
--- Mike Dale

A Sussex fast bowler named Lyle
Took a run-up of nearly a mile.
In one Gillette Cup,
He never turned up;
He was last seen just south of the Nile.
--- Michael Palin

A batsman who was on the large side,
Was heckled by opponents who cried,
"When he's at the wicket,
It's not really cricket.
Is that what you mean by a wide?"
--- Anon

A famed big-hitter in cricket
Slammed his on-drive into a thicket,
Where girls tanned in the nude.
And no gent would intrude,
But long-on was on a good wicket.
--- Douglas Catley

There was an old man of Bengal,
Who purchased a bat and a ball,
Some gloves and some pads;
It was one of his fads,
For he never played cricket at all.
--- Thomas A Guthrie

There was a young man who said "Hobbs
Should never be tempted with lobs;
He would knock them about
Till the bowlers gave out,
And watered the pitch with their sobs!"
--- Anon

I wish I had bought a darn ticket
To have watched tonights match of cricket.
'Cause Zulu was firing
And I was admiring,
Until the Windies took his wicket.
--- Anon

We already know about cricket.
It's something with bats and a wicket --
The wicket's small size
Means that the bat-guys
Are careful wherever they stick it.
--- Anon

The new cricket season's begun.
I bowled like a fool and got none.
But I batted a while,
Gave the bowlers a smile,
But out having scored just nine run!
--- Archie

A bowler could not hit the wicket,
And ran down in anger to kick it.
As he sent the stumps flying,
And left the field crying,
The crowd shouted, "Boo! That's not cricket!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A cricketing fan called Miss Glend
Was the home-team's supporter and friend.
But for her, a big match
Never fired up her snatch,
Like a bat with two balls on the end.
--- Archie

At cricket he was number one
And often he scored a big ton
A true gentleman
He's had his lifespan
So join me now, "Vale, Sir Don"
--- Anon

I played once a fine game of cricket;
Came out with my gear, found a ticket.
I said with a hiss
To the warden: "Hey this
Ain't cricket, this wicket, please stick it."
--- Anon

An onanist by name of Pickett,
Strokes himself while playing cricket.
He squirts on the bails;
It just never fails;
With Pickett, it's sticky, that wicket!
--- Tutta Gioia

A lay in the woods she thought quaint,
Until sticks and rocks brought a complaint.
She emerged from the thicket
And moaned, "It ain't cricket,"
And he smirked, "That's right... it sure AIN'T!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 618

Let go as a bat-clumsy cricketer,
Bill now spends his days as a picketer,
And assuaging his loss;
Moons the wife of his boss,
By waving his half-risen prick at her.
--- Armand Singer

There once was a skipper named 'Plum',
Whose team made the prophets all glum;
"It's bad through and through,"
They declared, "It won't do."
But today all the prophets are dumb.

(cricketers won Australian Test Match)
--- Punch 1904 (Bibby)

Wanna get fit? Just go to John's Gym.
The place where you get very trim.
The aerobics are fine,
So is pumping some iron.
No matter if you're a her or a him.
--- Larry Brash

Such stuff's not PC, one suspects;
In a Blue State she'd best stick to sex,
Preferably gay,
If she wants to play
'Cause that's what a Blue State expects.

(school suspends 11 year old girl for doing cartwheels)
--- John Miller

To enlighten the pros and the antis,
Plus old pervs who might offer her candies,
Put her up on a bandstand,
As she does her handstand,
And you'll see she's exposing her panties.
--- Ward Hardman

If ever the public is cowed
By the loony-left thought-police crowd,
Then what a dark day!
So lowering and grey
When innocent fun's not allowed.
--- Bruce

An aerobics instructor called Sue
Told her large ladies' class what to do.
Arms up high in the air,
Legs stretched out here and there.
The large crowd soon became very few!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A handsome young German named Fritz,
On seeing a friend do the splits,
With a triumphant cry,
Shouted, "Here, let me try!"
And broke into two equal bits.
--- Michael Palin

Is your figure somewhat chubby?
Do all your friends call you tubby?
Come down to the gym,
We won't make you slim,
We'll just make you sweaty and grubby.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Up a step; down a step; twirl.
(Well I thought I might give it a whirl.)
This aerobics is fun
And in case you are won-
dering, look over there at that girl.
--- Anon

The instructor; oh my, ain't she sweet;
How I love when she shouts at me, "Pete,
You're a miserable wretch;
Didn't I tell you to stretch
Without bending when touching your feet."
--- Anon

Don't care if I'm taking a chance
On an injury; nor as I prance
That I look fucking silly,
I love that young filly;
I wanna get into her pants.
--- Anon

Don't speak to joggers 'bout sex;
Their hormones have dried to mere specks;
They stare straight ahead
Just like the livin' dead,
Waste of time to breathe on their necks!
--- Anon

One lady jogger's dog Mack,
Such compulsion he surely did lack;
In the shade of a bush
He would sit on his tush,
And wait 'till his mistress got back!
--- Anon

The joggers grimly plod 'till they crash;
Mutter "So healthy!" and then they gnash
Their teeth once again,
And groan with new pain,
Tendonitis and Spandex-crotch rash!
--- Anon

This is file cel

When I go for a walk in the sun,
I can assure you it's not always fun.
As the faster I move,
It is easy to prove
That perspiration, like rivers, can run.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

John's Gym is a scuzzy old place;
You'd ne'er want to show them your face;
'Cause once you have started,
Can't quit till you've farted,
Or left a large turd in it's place
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This girl at gymnastics, I've seen--
To fuck her, I thought would be keen.
On my beam she did dance,
Said, "You're taking a chance..."
And made me her own floor routine!
--- Limberick

There was a young gymnast named Hope,
Who spent lots of time up a rope.
On bars, floor, or vault,
She had never a fault;
In competition she'd plenty of scope!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A blind girl with a seeing-eye dog
Always took the dog out for her jog.
It was love at first sight.
No! That wouldn't be right,
Would be more like the princess and frog!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Whether in Jim's john or at John's Gym,
Take stock about what shape you're in.
If you leave dents
In dry cements,
Chances are you're far from slim.
--- Gearhart

Fitness folk say no pain means no gain.
It's been benchpressed right into my brain.
But like Garfield the cat,
I'm at peace with my fat,
And I know that no pain means no pain.
--- Scott Oliver

The heart, sir's, a pump and by driving
It flat out, you'll soon be arriving
At its early demise.
So shun exercise,
And spend your life lazing and skiving. (avoiding work)
--- Tiddy Ogg

In nudist gymnastics, young June,
Bent over, exposing her poon'.
One judge gave a sigh,
Unbuttoned his fly,
Leapt up and was over the moon.
--- SFA

Amanda professes a liking
For saddleless exercise biking,
To keep her in trim,
While exciting her quim
With a wantonly furious spiking.
--- Peter Wilkins

If you're tired of looking "over" your ab,
And want to be rid of that flab,
Have no muscles to flex
And ashamed of your pecs,
Time for John's Gym to start your rehab.
--- Saint

There was a young man from Northants,
Who adopted an athletic stance.
Flexed his abs, pecs, and thighs;
Heard a rip, then girl's sighs;
And found out he'd burst out of his pants.
--- Philip Valentine

Your legs must be tired, though they're strong;
They've worked hard today, I'm not wrong.
I suddenly find
It is through my mind,
You've been running, all the day long.
--- Archie

Each morning I get up and perk
A large pot of coffee and work
Out lower and upper,
Then just before supper,
For exercise, I squat and jerk.
--- Travis Brasell

There was a young chappy named Coyle,
Who always bathed in pure olive oil.
If he went in the sun,
His face looked like a bun,
As his perspiration came up to the boil.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Are you a disgusting fat slob?
A couch potato and obese blob?
Then come to John's Gym,
And step right on in,
And become one of the super-fit mob.
--- Larry Brash

Tai Chi? Not for me! Please don't ever
Try to stretch me or pose me. I'll never
Believe those Chinese
Who say, "It's a Breeze!"
'Cause my body is just not that clever!
--- Ystap TP9802

Don't exercise; please hear my pleas;
You'll find all your joints start to seize.
If the good Lord had chose
That mankind touch their toes,
He'd have put the damn things on your knees.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Too late for me, this exercise,
Besides I have gigantic thighs.
What I must not strain
Is my tired old brain.
I sit, thinking little, with sighs.
--- Tony Burrell

Well, I tried a trampoline once
And pulled off a couple of stunts.
Nearby were some girls
Who were showing their curls,
So I pole-vaulted into their cunts.
--- Peter Wilkins

A gymnast performed a routine,
The best that the judges had seen.
He tumbled and flipped
And then danced as he dipped,
Whilst playing a small tambourine!
--- Anon

If your brain doesn't meet high demands,
Here's some gestures to loosen your glands.
Put them up in the air
Shake them like you don't care,
You'll be smarter if you use your hands.
--- Arthur Deex P0503

Guys, come and join John's gym classes
Just to watch the gals' nice asses.
Their bouncing tits
Will thrill you to bits,
And of good fucks, we have got masses.
--- Larry Brash

There once was a girl named Janell,
Who never could lift a barbell.
Although she was weak,
Muscle she did seek,
But the weight was so heavy, she fell.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Said a weight-lifting stud named McGurk:
"I prefer, in my muscle-tone work,
To get satisfaction
From muscling the action
With a snatch, as compared with a jerk."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

With muscles all rippling and flexing,
The weightlifter found it perplexing.
He had strengthened his cock
By the lifting of rock,
But it made it quite useless for sexing.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0446

St Rainer was a hermit quite strong;
He'd won an Olympic gold gong.
But he gave up his sport
When while lifting, caught short,
He passed what the judges thought wrong.
--- Archie

Too much figure is causing your stress,
And you can't fit in your favorite dress?
Your hips are too round
But your body is sound?
John's gym will work off that excess.
--- Saint

Four weeks the ground moved and did shake,
Till one day a mess it did make.
Things bounced off his head;
Was almost near dead;
Then fishing was born by the lake.
--- Anon

Ice fishing is not for me, lass.
When I want some pickeral or bass,
I wait until Spring
And catch everything
Without risking feezing my ass.
--- Chris Papa

A wee willie is good for one thing;
Use for bait when you're fishing this spring;
Susquehanna's the site,
Where the big fishies bite;
And a brand new soprano will sing!
--- Anon

When rain falls all week on the plateaux,
We fish out our waders and bateaux,
And find us a spot
For a picnic of hot
Buttered crumpets and soggy wet gateaux.
--- Peter Wilkins

I know you will think I'm a sinner
When I say that I caught me a winner.
That fish was so large,
I needed a barge
To haul it back home for my dinner.
--- Travis Brasell