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A girl named Hardwick was struck The village green, the weather holds fair; And to football I merely reply On the green field of play he did stand A Sussex fast bowler named Lyle A batsman who was on the large side, A famed big-hitter in cricket There was an old man of Bengal, There was a young man who said "Hobbs I wish I had bought a darn ticket We already know about cricket. The new cricket season's begun. A bowler could not hit the wicket, A cricketing fan called Miss Glend At cricket he was number one I played once a fine game of cricket; An onanist by name of Pickett, A lay in the woods she thought quaint, Let go as a bat-clumsy cricketer, There once was a skipper named 'Plum', (cricketers won Australian Test Match)
Wanna get fit? Just go to John's Gym. Such stuff's not PC, one suspects; (school suspends 11 year old girl for doing cartwheels)
To enlighten the pros and the antis, If ever the public is cowed An aerobics instructor called Sue A handsome young German named Fritz, Is your figure somewhat chubby? Up a step; down a step; twirl. The instructor; oh my, ain't she sweet; Don't care if I'm taking a chance Don't speak to joggers 'bout sex; One lady jogger's dog Mack, The joggers grimly plod 'till they crash; When I go for a walk in the sun, John's Gym is a scuzzy old place; This girl at gymnastics, I've seen-- There was a young gymnast named Hope, A blind girl with a seeing-eye dog Whether in Jim's john or at John's Gym, Fitness folk say no pain means no gain. The heart, sir's, a pump and by driving In nudist gymnastics, young June, Amanda professes a liking If you're tired of looking "over" your ab, There was a young man from Northants, Your legs must be tired, though they're strong; Each morning I get up and perk There was a young chappy named Coyle, Are you a disgusting fat slob? Tai Chi? Not for me! Please don't ever Don't exercise; please hear my pleas; Too late for me, this exercise, Well, I tried a trampoline once A gymnast performed a routine, If your brain doesn't meet high demands, Guys, come and join John's gym classes There once was a girl named Janell, Said a weight-lifting stud named McGurk: With muscles all rippling and flexing, St Rainer was a hermit quite strong; Too much figure is causing your stress, Four weeks the ground moved and did shake, Ice fishing is not for me, lass. A wee willie is good for one thing; When rain falls all week on the plateaux, I know you will think I'm a sinner
With a cricket ball--"Out for a duck."
Her tombstone's lonely
With these words only:
"Hardwick -- hard ball -- hard luck."
--- Charlie Chester
The last man's in at the crease -- pats his hair.
The fast bowler ran long;
The stroke went all wrong;
Out first ball, second time, for "a pair".
--- Arthur Pattaffy
That cricket is well worth a try!
Watch the 'wikky' bail ya
Down here in Australia!
Though the commentary's somewhat more dry...
With a hard cricket ball in each hand,
Which he fondly caressed,
For the man was obsessed
With the largest cricket bat in the land.
--- Mike Dale
Took a run-up of nearly a mile.
In one Gillette Cup,
He never turned up;
He was last seen just south of the Nile.
--- Michael Palin
Was heckled by opponents who cried,
"When he's at the wicket,
It's not really cricket.
Is that what you mean by a wide?"
--- Anon
Slammed his on-drive into a thicket,
Where girls tanned in the nude.
And no gent would intrude,
But long-on was on a good wicket.
--- Douglas Catley
Who purchased a bat and a ball,
Some gloves and some pads;
It was one of his fads,
For he never played cricket at all.
--- Thomas A Guthrie
Should never be tempted with lobs;
He would knock them about
Till the bowlers gave out,
And watered the pitch with their sobs!"
--- Anon
To have watched tonights match of cricket.
'Cause Zulu was firing
And I was admiring,
Until the Windies took his wicket.
--- Anon
It's something with bats and a wicket --
The wicket's small size
Means that the bat-guys
Are careful wherever they stick it.
--- Anon
I bowled like a fool and got none.
But I batted a while,
Gave the bowlers a smile,
But out having scored just nine run!
--- Archie
And ran down in anger to kick it.
As he sent the stumps flying,
And left the field crying,
The crowd shouted, "Boo! That's not cricket!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was the home-team's supporter and friend.
But for her, a big match
Never fired up her snatch,
Like a bat with two balls on the end.
--- Archie
And often he scored a big ton
A true gentleman
He's had his lifespan
So join me now, "Vale, Sir Don"
--- Anon
Came out with my gear, found a ticket.
I said with a hiss
To the warden: "Hey this
Ain't cricket, this wicket, please stick it."
--- Anon
Strokes himself while playing cricket.
He squirts on the bails;
It just never fails;
With Pickett, it's sticky, that wicket!
--- Tutta Gioia
Until sticks and rocks brought a complaint.
She emerged from the thicket
And moaned, "It ain't cricket,"
And he smirked, "That's right... it sure AIN'T!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 618
Bill now spends his days as a picketer,
And assuaging his loss;
Moons the wife of his boss,
By waving his half-risen prick at her.
--- Armand Singer
Whose team made the prophets all glum;
"It's bad through and through,"
They declared, "It won't do."
But today all the prophets are dumb.
--- Punch 1904 (Bibby)
The place where you get very trim.
The aerobics are fine,
So is pumping some iron.
No matter if you're a her or a him.
--- Larry Brash
In a Blue State she'd best stick to sex,
Preferably gay,
If she wants to play
'Cause that's what a Blue State expects.
--- John Miller
Plus old pervs who might offer her candies,
Put her up on a bandstand,
As she does her handstand,
And you'll see she's exposing her panties.
--- Ward Hardman
By the loony-left thought-police crowd,
Then what a dark day!
So lowering and grey
When innocent fun's not allowed.
--- Bruce
Told her large ladies' class what to do.
Arms up high in the air,
Legs stretched out here and there.
The large crowd soon became very few!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
On seeing a friend do the splits,
With a triumphant cry,
Shouted, "Here, let me try!"
And broke into two equal bits.
--- Michael Palin
Do all your friends call you tubby?
Come down to the gym,
We won't make you slim,
We'll just make you sweaty and grubby.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
(Well I thought I might give it a whirl.)
This aerobics is fun
And in case you are won-
dering, look over there at that girl.
--- Anon
How I love when she shouts at me, "Pete,
You're a miserable wretch;
Didn't I tell you to stretch
Without bending when touching your feet."
--- Anon
On an injury; nor as I prance
That I look fucking silly,
I love that young filly;
I wanna get into her pants.
--- Anon
Their hormones have dried to mere specks;
They stare straight ahead
Just like the livin' dead,
Waste of time to breathe on their necks!
--- Anon
Such compulsion he surely did lack;
In the shade of a bush
He would sit on his tush,
And wait 'till his mistress got back!
--- Anon
Mutter "So healthy!" and then they gnash
Their teeth once again,
And groan with new pain,
Tendonitis and Spandex-crotch rash!
--- Anon
This is file cel
I can assure you it's not always fun.
As the faster I move,
It is easy to prove
That perspiration, like rivers, can run.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
You'd ne'er want to show them your face;
'Cause once you have started,
Can't quit till you've farted,
Or left a large turd in it's place
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To fuck her, I thought would be keen.
On my beam she did dance,
Said, "You're taking a chance..."
And made me her own floor routine!
--- Limberick
Who spent lots of time up a rope.
On bars, floor, or vault,
She had never a fault;
In competition she'd plenty of scope!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Always took the dog out for her jog.
It was love at first sight.
No! That wouldn't be right,
Would be more like the princess and frog!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Take stock about what shape you're in.
If you leave dents
In dry cements,
Chances are you're far from slim.
--- Gearhart
It's been benchpressed right into my brain.
But like Garfield the cat,
I'm at peace with my fat,
And I know that no pain means no pain.
--- Scott Oliver
It flat out, you'll soon be arriving
At its early demise.
So shun exercise,
And spend your life lazing and skiving. (avoiding work)
--- Tiddy Ogg
Bent over, exposing her poon'.
One judge gave a sigh,
Unbuttoned his fly,
Leapt up and was over the moon.
--- SFA
For saddleless exercise biking,
To keep her in trim,
While exciting her quim
With a wantonly furious spiking.
--- Peter Wilkins
And want to be rid of that flab,
Have no muscles to flex
And ashamed of your pecs,
Time for John's Gym to start your rehab.
--- Saint
Who adopted an athletic stance.
Flexed his abs, pecs, and thighs;
Heard a rip, then girl's sighs;
And found out he'd burst out of his pants.
--- Philip Valentine
They've worked hard today, I'm not wrong.
I suddenly find
It is through my mind,
You've been running, all the day long.
--- Archie
A large pot of coffee and work
Out lower and upper,
Then just before supper,
For exercise, I squat and jerk.
--- Travis Brasell
Who always bathed in pure olive oil.
If he went in the sun,
His face looked like a bun,
As his perspiration came up to the boil.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
A couch potato and obese blob?
Then come to John's Gym,
And step right on in,
And become one of the super-fit mob.
--- Larry Brash
Try to stretch me or pose me. I'll never
Believe those Chinese
Who say, "It's a Breeze!"
'Cause my body is just not that clever!
--- Ystap TP9802
You'll find all your joints start to seize.
If the good Lord had chose
That mankind touch their toes,
He'd have put the damn things on your knees.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Besides I have gigantic thighs.
What I must not strain
Is my tired old brain.
I sit, thinking little, with sighs.
--- Tony Burrell
And pulled off a couple of stunts.
Nearby were some girls
Who were showing their curls,
So I pole-vaulted into their cunts.
--- Peter Wilkins
The best that the judges had seen.
He tumbled and flipped
And then danced as he dipped,
Whilst playing a small tambourine!
--- Anon
Here's some gestures to loosen your glands.
Put them up in the air
Shake them like you don't care,
You'll be smarter if you use your hands.
--- Arthur Deex P0503
Just to watch the gals' nice asses.
Their bouncing tits
Will thrill you to bits,
And of good fucks, we have got masses.
--- Larry Brash
Who never could lift a barbell.
Although she was weak,
Muscle she did seek,
But the weight was so heavy, she fell.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"I prefer, in my muscle-tone work,
To get satisfaction
From muscling the action
With a snatch, as compared with a jerk."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
The weightlifter found it perplexing.
He had strengthened his cock
By the lifting of rock,
But it made it quite useless for sexing.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0446
He'd won an Olympic gold gong.
But he gave up his sport
When while lifting, caught short,
He passed what the judges thought wrong.
--- Archie
And you can't fit in your favorite dress?
Your hips are too round
But your body is sound?
John's gym will work off that excess.
--- Saint
Till one day a mess it did make.
Things bounced off his head;
Was almost near dead;
Then fishing was born by the lake.
--- Anon
When I want some pickeral or bass,
I wait until Spring
And catch everything
Without risking feezing my ass.
--- Chris Papa
Use for bait when you're fishing this spring;
Susquehanna's the site,
Where the big fishies bite;
And a brand new soprano will sing!
--- Anon
We fish out our waders and bateaux,
And find us a spot
For a picnic of hot
Buttered crumpets and soggy wet gateaux.
--- Peter Wilkins
When I say that I caught me a winner.
That fish was so large,
I needed a barge
To haul it back home for my dinner.
--- Travis Brasell
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