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Said the chief to the good Doctor Schweitzer, There was an old man in Deep River Pulmonary tuberculosis There once was a sick man named Ted, The sunless environs APHOTIC (no light) There once was a whore from Belize, A tenor from Stockton on Teas He would growl in pain till he would shout My tinea cruris is hideous, (fungal infection of the groin)
There once was a woman in China, Ugly Erissa, from North Carolina, I sing of two girls, the Eliases, Abu Bakr al-Tartushi A condition called Valentine's Rash If you have caught a verruca, (verruca - skin eruption or sessile barnacle)
I know what you're all going to say: Whenever he got in a fury, a When thoughts you try to express, Doctors know with VATICINATION. Yeast infections can be quite debasing, I am clipping my nails close for you; A hot-blooded gal in Castella This man with his agonal pain, There was a young Scotsman from Ayr, There was a young Japanese geisha, (alopecia - baldness; mange in foxes)
Jack thought that Jill waxed her twat I don't think that luck is quite true. Suicidal, a young man ignores She left her fine home for Bohemia, Bemoaned and old codger named Rick, I had me a wench from West Point If man finds his articulation There was an ill strongman of Brussels I hate that big dumb anthropoid, Once said the doc, just to spite us, Ten years in the mines for young Kell My friends and my neighbors are scolders; From only sparse data can we cull To the doc went the lady allurin', An epileptic young woman named Camp Malign afibrinogenemia: (Like leukemia)
The doc said "You've the wrong end of the stick; I sing of this kid, Billy Pease, I've fasted myself, once or twice -- The Professer sure felt like a Gomer, Our Jean was a sea-cadet keen. There was an old maid with nephralgia Old Age is a loathsome disease There's not a damn thing you can do A Parkinson's patient, debased, A Parkinson's patient, when wakin', A Parkinson's patient named Walt, The knowledge of ills can excite us. He was just trying to sell tickets A cowboy has legs just like wickets, I once knew a young lad named Jeff, Tinnitis is a terrible thing, That buzz in your ears is called tinnitus; I know a poor fellow named Mick A man who had numerous ills Moaned a suffering lover named Rick, In shoes that were satin, with bows, There was an old man of Goditch, A lecherous fellow named Gould A hapless teenager named Jones A Panama dude from the Isthmus
"Tsetse fly see my woman and bites her.
Now, when whoopie I make,
She can no stay awake...
I just don't believe that to be right, sir."
--- William N Nesbit P9701
Who had a perpetual shiver;
His end came at last
When he shivered so fast,
That he shattered three-fourths of his liver.
--- Alsops Foibles
Is all very well in small doses.
But a gap in the lung
As big as a bung,
Means years while you twiddle your toeses.
--- L G Udall
Who liked it when girls gave him head.
One night he had Shaw,
Who came down with lockjaw,
And now his poor penis is dead.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In deep sea bring pressures azotic, (nitrogen)
That pains rising divers
In regions quite diverse
To say naught of jaw pain pro-otic.
--- Daniel Ford
Who came down with a dreadful disease.
When she gave a loud cough,
Both her tits dropped right off;
Now she's had to halve all of her fees.
--- Anon
Came down with a dreadful disease.
When he gave a loud cough,
Both his balls dropped right off.
Now he sings in soprano with ease.
--- Anon
Every time with each recurring bout.
When under the weather,
"Growl," "Shout" blend together
In the Tile Layers's malady, "Grout."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9805
Not a sight for the ultra-fastidious.
My wife finds the encrusting
To be truly disgusting,
And the odor is sickly insidious.
--- Dish
Who shoved pork into her vagina.
When her agony
Sent her to the M.D.,
She learned of the worm called Trichina.
--- Rob
Her ugly face gives you angina!
Has disdain for all prigs,
She wallows with pigs,
Getting glutei full of trichina.
--- Ward Hardman
Who suffered from trichomoniasis.
Their awsomely large
Vaginal discharge
Infected two thirds of the diocese.
--- Armand E Singer P0109 543B
Ate a dish of festering sushi.
His desire now enacted,
It seemed he contracted
A disease called tstsugamushi. (Scrub typhus)
--- Donald McGill
Is common in couples who pash.
The spots get much worse
Through contact with verse,
And the annual dispersal of cash.
--- Anon
Which you take to the docs for a look-a.
If given a choice
Just scream at full voice,
"No thanks! I'll take a bazooka!"
--- Joy Clare
"It's your fault for spending all day
Doing nothing but sport,
And now you are caught --
With swimming pool rot, you can't play.
--- Joy Clare
Schizophrenic from Upper Manchuria,
Had pseudocyesis, (false pregnancy)
Disdiadochokinesis, (???)
And haemotoporphyrimuria. (porphyrin blood disease ? )
--- Anon
Get stuck and cause a big mess,
It's the cramp in the brain,
Making you lame,
You're suffering from CRS.
--- Anon
Don't understand folks' vacillation
'Bout pending disease,
When they could with ease
Avoid kids' whoop with vaccination.
--- Daniel Ford
Depending on what you are facing.
If you're out on a date,
It's best not to tempt fate,
So just keeep it to simple embracing.
--- Anon
I'll get rid of this axle-grease too;
'Cause I know how the yeast
Turns a chick to a beast,
With a "don't touch me" ring-a-dang-doo!
--- Anon
Would do wild things with a fella;
'Till one evening she licked
Some poor derelict,
And her tongue got the rot and turned yella!
--- Anon
Whose joint would flare up in the rain,
Was even more pissed
If there was only a mist;
A thing he found hard to explain.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Through illness is losing his hair.
The trouble he's found
On looking all around,
Is that no one at home seems to care.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who suffered from mild alopecia;
She met a young Briton
Identically smitten;
They now run a barber's in Esha.
--- Ron Rubin
With care, all the way to the slot.
But she'd alopecia
Affecting her creasia.
A lucky girl, Jill, was she not?
--- Marlene Lewis PO109
Who'd want to be all bald, would you?
Alopecia affects
Above and below necks.
Did Jack like her shiny scalp too?
--- Marlene Lewis
His doctor's advice: Goes outdoors
Seeking bees, wasps, or better,
After leaving a letter,
Signed "Anaphylactically Yours".
--- Anon
Where lifestyles were odder and steamier.
Though she often got laid,
The steep price that she paid,
Was acute anorexic bulemia.
--- John E Mayhood P0203
"My joints, they all creak, take your pick;
What cost me the fight is
The blight of arthritis;
Most everything's stiff but my dick."
--- Armand Singer
Who bade me her limbs to anoint.
She had spondylitis
And rheumatoid arthritis,
So I slipped in just one more stiff joint.
--- Donald McGill
Is impaired, like his coordination,
An ataxia may
Have produced this decay
And eventual disintegration.
--- SheilaB
Whose muscles could even make muscles.
It grieves me to say
He still faded away;
His corpuscles could not make corpuscles.
--- David A Brooks
This is file bum
And he is my cousin named Floyd.
He is such a twit,
And I must admit,
That he's hydrocephaloid.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Claimed Lee hadn't bursitis.
What he said in one breath
Just scared her to death.
He told her 'twas costochondritis. (sore ribs)
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Mining gold made his lungs go to hell.
Said his doctor, "No doubt;
Both your lungs must come out.
You have PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOKONIOSIS."
--- Albin Chaplin P0212
They point to the snow on my shoulders.
They pursue their promotion
Of anti-dandruff type lotion.
You'd think that those flakes were all boulders.
--- Sheila B
That a diabetic fellow named Meakle
Cannot manage to pee
And when he does, he
Can only produce a thin treacle. (syrup, molasses)
--- Bob Giandomenico P8801
For her cunt was in need of some curin',
But the doc licked her twat,
And he said, "You know what?
There is sugar, I fear, in your urine."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0787
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp.
But the first time he squeezed her,
She had a grand seizure,
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
--- Funny Bone
Is similar to plain anaemia,
With no fibrinogen
Or no oxygen in
The blood; cf. hypoglycemia.
--- Anon
I'm not ready to make you feel sick.
I was about to say.
Take your medical dictionary away,
You've been reading what makes a man tick."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who's got Kawasaki disease;
We're not talking wheels,
It's that his skin peels
From buttocks to toes and both knees.
--- Armand Singer
TWO WEEKS! - against doctor's advice.
The result was a stone
That I passed through my bone;
(But they ate well in Chad, ain't that nice?)
--- Anon
With a kidney stone stuck in his boner.
He did scream and shout,
When that sucker came out...
And his piss shot all the way to Pamona!
--- Anon
A keen sea-cadet was our Jean.
But on a rough sea
She was sick as could be,
A turned a peculiar green.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Who wished it were only neuralgia;
When her wish was fulfilled,
She said, "I'm so thrilled!
I think I will wish for nostalgia."
--- Limber Limericks
For those who are loath to decease.
The mind in descent;
The incontinent;
The heirs adding prayers that you cease.
--- Irving Superior P8512
When you grow too senile to screw.
You live on recall,
Remembering's all.
Illusions are what you pursue.
--- Larry Davis P8512
Voiced paeans to Dopa straight-faced:
"I take two of these pills,
Get wild sexual thrills,
And go down on my nurses, posthaste."
--- Armand Singer
Goes down by herself to the lake 'n'
Lies out in the sun
To have her some fun,
By doing some shakin' and bakin'.
--- Travis Brasell
Works nights at 'Ye Burger & Malt
Shoppe' doing odd chores,
Like sweeping the floors,
But mainly as shaker of salt.
--- Travis Brasell
We then know of this or that it is.
When a bug infests us
And tries to ingest us,
The doc asks where'd the flea bite us.
--- Tom Patton P0109
For a fundraiser for victims of ricketts.
After a pause
He gave up the cause,
Saying: Take vitamin D and you'll kick it.
--- Fabrika Lims
And thinks that they're really the tickets!
But folks from the city
Regard him with pity --
They think he's a victim of rickets
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Who suffered from a shortage of breath.
When told that his wheeze
Shook the leaves in the trees,
He said he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Be you a commoner or a king.
It keeps you up nightly
You sleep only slightly;
You hear bells when the bells didn't ring.
--- Tom Patton P0409
You'll just have to bear it and grin. It is
Incurable, yet,
Like the buzz that I get
When curing girls of virginitus.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who has a trigeminal tic;
It starts in his cheek,
Invades his physique,
And jerks him clear down to his prick.
--- Armand E Singer 757
Took red, white, and blue liver pills.
He lay on his back
And a Union Jack
Unfurled from his deathly pale gills.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
"I've a varicose vein in my prick;
Insertion's unpleasant
'Cause pain's always present;
It's the stuff that can make a stud sick."
--- Armand Singer
Miss Flinders sat warming her toes.
"Why Poll," cried her ma,
"What a noodle you are!
You'll get terrible veins -- varicose."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Had the gon, the syph, and the itch.
His name was McNabs.
He also had crabs,
The dirty old son-of-a-bitch.
--- L1096
Soliloquized thus to his tool:
"From Cape Cod to Salamanca,
You've had pox, clap, and chancre--
Now ain't you a bloody great fool?"
--- L1098
Is cursed with decalcified bones;
Acute anorexia,
A hint of dyslexia,
And rather unhealthy skin tones.
--- Armand E Singer P0109 868B
Plagued sorely with terminal trismus, (lockjaw)
Showed traces of clap,
Large worms in his crap,
And definite signs of strabismus. (squinting)
--- Armand E Singer 109
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