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There once was a fellow named Burt But Burt was a monstrous lout If bargains are what you are buying, You started as somebody's sperms, We're down with the flu and the croup, On our whole body, we've got the pox; We've got the disease, Legionaire; They say cerebral menengitis We've chancres, and boils, and red spots, It just is a hell of a thing Now that was just really a killer. There was a young man of Rhyll A social diseasee is pyorrhea (myology - study of muscles)
We pity those two men from Perth We've got but one hundred more years, There was a young man with phlebitis It is said that an apple a day The doc in the ER said, "Rest Pray tell why're you in ER? "Tomorrow," the doctor said, "double A gynecologist called Noel, "When you don't treat a cold," Dr. Geek A wonderful doctor is diet, A plan to draft doctors won't work! If all doctors were drafted at will If health is the thing you adore, There once was a surgeon named Bollen His attitude was quite flip, At the hospital down a South bend, I collected a small little virus; "My procedure," admitted Doc Friend, There once was an old maid named Proctor, A gay went to see his physician. A hasher observed on his bum, (physician, heal thyself)
A woman consulted her Dr. I finally escaped from that pest, A crafty old doc from Montpelier, The doctor good manners is taught His bedside manner's outrageous, There was an old woman named Bea A nutty old doctor named Green Before surgery, old Dr. Buell A limpid old fellow was Gene; The crud that Bludde had in his bones A doctor who wasn't too sure From Paris to Spain to New Delhi, A wealthy physician named Cheevers An apple, for some, may suffice, The student doctor was doing his rounds, Said a pediatrician named Hurst, I thought the good Doctor Munrow All his staff he confused with theatrics, Diagnoses of this medicaster, His demeanor is modest and fine, Well, now he is sixty and mellow, A young doctor who hails from Dezalls, Spent six hundred for Doc to say, This dictates my sex life disturbed; The lawyers may suffer in Hades, Most women I know of, enjoy They appear to enjoy 'em the more "For chills," said two doctors of Knox, The physician inquired, "So it's true. A maid with a simple complaint "An angry old doctor from Bray, There was a sick man of Tobago A brilliant physician named Hurst
Whose feelings were terribly hurt.
If one very discreet is,
'Twon't help diabetes
To remind him "stop eating dessert."
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Whose girth was exceedingly stout.
He'd stay jammed in a chair
And not walk on a dare
So he could nurse his foot with the gout.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
A madam all kinds is supplying.
She has some with disease,
And some Dead, if you please,
And some wretches Disabled or Dying.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8512
And end being eaten by worms.
And the part in between
Is, as you've seen,
Full of diseases and germs.
--- Anon B
The palsy's made our eyelid droop.
While dancing inside us
Is good old St Vitus,
And we sure do wish we could poop.
--- Cyber Wizard
There's an itching down inside our jocks.
Farenheit: 104;
We've got pimples galore,
And we're dripping weird stuff from our cocks.
--- Cyber Wizard
Our hair's falling out, and we swear
Our glands are all swollen;
Cancer's up our colon,
And of hernias, we've got a pair.
--- Cyber Wizard
Or hydrocephalitis
Is rotting our brain.
We're going insane,
And there's tapeworms deep down inside us.
--- Cyber Wizard
Some pustules, and little black dots,
And he said so, didn't he,
That we've lost a kidney.
And damn it, our blood never clots.
--- Cyber Wizard
For a very good bloodline to bring
Such things to a lad.
And to make matters bad,
She won't die and let us be King.
--- Cyber Wizard
What's more, Charlie's now feeling iller.
And you would be too,
If like Charlie, you
Awoke to be faced by Camilla.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who tried very hard to get ill.
He tried to get scabies,
Bronchitis and rabies,
But all that he got was a chill.
--- Spike Mulligan
Dispeptic, dislexic myolea.
But note one thing more
That a great social bore
Is the person with oral diarrhea.
--- Harold E Hoelscher P8907
Who had crabs, clap and syphilis from birth.
Said one to the other:
"Alas, my poor brother,
We're the rottenest bastards on earth!"
--- G1956a
Until everyone is in tears,
From the lack of good space,
Or even food in the place,
So today's epidemics bring cheers!
--- Anon
Who traded it in for arthritis,
Which he traded for mumps,
Then for cardiac thumps,
And then for a round of bursitis.
--- Limber Limericks
Will help keep the doctor away,
But if that apple were green
With a worm in between,
You might wish for another entree.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
In bed for three days would be best."
But I can't help but sneak,
Out for a quick peak;
It's boring in bed, I confess.
--- Anon
Did you exceed some limits by far?
Is your blood work askew;
What the hell did you do?
Do you have to collect pee in a jar?
--- Anon
Your dosage of this, Mrs. Hubbell,
And call me again
If you feel better then.
I'm having the very same trouble."
--- High Seriousness P8305X
Had a Guinness World Record his goal;
While still in his prime
He'd set fastest time,
For vacuuming house through its keyhole.
--- David Miller
Said, "it lasts seven days. If you seek
The advise right away
Of your doctor, you may
Get rid of the bug in a week."
--- P8305
Assisted by calmness and quiet.
It prevents many ills
And professional bills,
But helps only people who try it.
--- R J Winkler P8503
If you think that hippies could shirk;
Just wait till you see
The average MD
Create a syndrome from a quirk!
--- Larry Davis P9408X
And the army would pay the health bill,
Health coverage, now steep,
Would be awfully cheap,
For the Army's conditioned to kill.
--- Al Chaplin P9408
This logic will better your score.
Since an apple a day
Keeps the doctor away --
Two apples keeps two from the door.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2418
Who fixed bones, both broken and swollen;
"Soft organs ain't fun,"
He winked to his son,
"And I'm not a great fan of the colon!"
--- Mark Levy P0203X
As he gave the doctor some lip.
"I'm a cross-dresser, see,
And there's no curing me!"
Said the doc, "you're a fraud in a slip."
--- Anon
I was forced to protect my rear end.
I had a dilemma;
They gave me an enema
And I just went to visit a friend!
--- Clarence E Boyle P8906X
Doc Norton I thought he would hire us.
He said "It's no good.
I think that you should
Take two asprin and see what transpirus!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"And a good practice too, I contend.
When my patients complain
Waiting for me's a strain,
I ignore them or else condescend."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704
Who had a big crush on her doctor.
She balked at disrobing
For intimate probing
But giggled each time he defrocked her!
--- P8305
His trouble: Nocturnal emission.
The wise doctor said,
"Take a young boy to bed."
Said the gay, "Doc, you're a magician!"
--- Ed Wolfert P8305
This is file btm
A boil as big as his thumb.
The doc said, "Let's lance it,"
The hasher said, "Eat shit!
Medice, cura te ipsum."
--- FB
And what he said really Shr.
When she called him a liar,
She set his temper on fire.
So what did he do? He Sr.
--- Ed Wolfert P8305
And the doctor said, after the test,
No doubt you feel numb --
You were just overcome.
Go home and have a night's rest."
--- Anon
Always said to the girls. "I can heal yer;
But first please undress
So I don't have to guess,
But can see yer and smell yer and feel yer."
--- Million Laughs CD-ROM
And he gives every statement due thought.
To a lady he'll say,
"How's your throat feel today?"
But he never will ask, "How's your twat?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2327
Though meant, to be sure, to assuage us.
He scratches our itches
And keeps us in stitches:
Moreover, his humor's contagious.
--- Laurence Perrine P8503X
Who paid the good doctor a fee,
Because she thought it best
To check pains in her breast;
His diagnosis: she sprained her knee.
--- Tom Patton P0001
Thought he'd try out a brand new vaccine;
Gave himself an injection
That cured the infection,
And even grew hair on his thing.
--- Anon
Tells his patients that they, as a rule,
Can't even have tea,
Because, of course, he
Attended an IV league school.
--- A N Wilkins P8503
His cock was the deadest I've seen.
But a doctor named Sears
Worked for forty two years,
And he kept it alive by machine.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0456
Was taken in stride by Doc Jones.
But what gave Jones despair
Was Bludde's kidney repair,
And extracting from Bludde all the stones.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2457
If the serum would kill or would cure,
Said, "I'll try it just once.
If it kills, I'm a dunce;
If it cures, I'm a Louis Pasteur."
--- Warrick Elrod X
All doctors, I learned on the telly,
Remain right in line,
And for breakfast I find,
They all prefer surgical jelly.
--- Al Willis P9702
Was lauded by hosts of believers.
He was asked to explain
How his wealth he did gain.
"I am grateful," he said, "for small fevers."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2494
But permit me to give some advice:
Just a limerick a day
Keeps the doctor away.
No more pills, no more fruit; you'll save twice!
--- Squeaky
He was thinking just how many lbs
He was losing in weight
With his nice steady gait,
As his heartbeats were in leaps and bounds.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"Though of childhood diseases, the first
Causes the patient great pain,
To parents, it's plain
That love is the least and the worst."
--- A N Wilkins P8502
Knew every disease one could know,
Till he rendered distraught
A poor sick astronaut,
By declaring he had "missle toe"!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
For his surviving few geriatrics,
Were, due to his dosage,
Propelled into dotage,
And then kept alive with mere hat tricks!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Ineluctably presage disaster,
Which made him decide,
When his patients all died,
To hold himself out as a pastor!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
For example, he paid a divine
Compliment to his wife,
For he said "On my life,
She has much nicer in-laws than mine!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And living on wheat germ and Jell-O.
He's addicted to tennis,
At which he's a menace,
All in all, he's a marvelous fellow!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was born without any balls.
Like a stallion bedecked,
He stood there erect,
And was asked, "Do you make house calls!".
--- Anon
"Don't lean on your elbow that way,
Makes your fingers numb
Then don't be so dumb."
I spent too much, won't disobey.
--- Anon
Positions available curbed.
I can't lean like that,
No more acrobat.
My man is greatly perturbed.
--- Anon
And skippers drift limbo with maties.
Doctors may be permitted
Into Heaven admitted,
But can stay there no longer than three days.
--- Res Ipsa X
Gruesome medical programs. Oh boy!
If they're on the TV,
They discuss 'em with glee,
And the methods those doctors employ.
--- Anon
Showing entrails and plenty of gore;
And the sawing and drilling
Of bones they find thrilling,
Together with guts on the floor.
--- Anon
"The patients must strip to their socks."
So on each office visit,
To strip nude is requisite --
And un-orthodox paradox!
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
You consulted a pharmacist too?
What foolish advice
Did he give, Mr. Bryce?"
"He said I should come to see you."
--- A N Wilkins P8306X
Was told by the doc what it ain't.
"But what have I got?
I know what it's not.
I can't understand your explaint."
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Said, "There's a flower in my surgical tray.
The smartass who put it there
Will lose lots of pubic hair,
With the help of my hot laser ray."
--- Mike O'Conner
Lived long on rice-gruel and sago;
But at last, to his bliss,
The physician said this --
"To a roast leg of mutton you may go."
--- R S Sharpe pub 1822 Bibby
Was in livers, extremely well-versed.
"Of liver men on this coast,
I'm second greatest," he'd boast,
"Alexander Portnoy is the first."
--- Michael Weinstein P8305
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