A seamy old surgeon was Fitches;
His patients he patched without hitches.
Whe asked how did it go,
He replied, "Sew, sew,
And I leave all my patients in stitches."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2571X

The sex books of Doctor Methusalem
Are the Word, from Key West to Jerusalem.
But alas, you poor suckers,
And would-be art fuckers--
He's C.I.A., picked to confoozle 'em.
--- G2427

The new sex manual by Doctors O'Quinn,
McMasters and Johnson and McMinn;
Enlightens, explains,
Clarifies and contains
A whole chapter on which end to put in.
--- Michael Weinstein P8305

The medical colonel's complexion
Turned crimson at short arm inspection.
That the armed personnel
Numbered women as well,
He recalled with a tart interjection!
--- Lance Payne P8305

To the doctor went old Mrs. Glitz
For she had a bad case of the shits.
But old Doctor Pittmann
Was strickly a tit man,
And he asked her to please show her tits.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2084

Even swimming, all knew Doctor Peck,
As laps in the Club pool he'd trek.
He took pains all could see
That he was an M.D.
By the stethoscope slung 'round his neck.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704 X

There once was a physician named Fox
Who could cure anything expect pox.
While his colleague named Spathe
Could cure pox by sheer faith.
Now was that not a strange paradox?
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9206

"Why do so many dull mediocrities
Among those in the ranks of Hippocrates,"
Inquired Dr. Ayres,
"Speak of public affairs
As if each one supposed he were Socrates?"
--- A N Wilkins P8503X

A surgeon whose last name was Cutter,
At nights in his basement, he'd putter
On squirrels and dogs
And pigeons and frogs,
And the things he'd found dead in the gutter.
--- Cap'n Bean P9812

Joe was ailing and went to Doc Moe.
"Can you tell me what's wrong?" asked young Joe.
The doctor said, "Son,
We have ten tests to run,
Before we find out we don't know."
--- Clarence E Boyle P8906X

A man to whom illness was chronic,
When told that he needed a tonic,
Said, "Oh, Doctor, Dear,
Won't you, please, make it beer?"
"No, No", said the Doc, "That's Teutonic".
--- Anon

But the annals of medicine show,
New diseases are often thought so.
You'd think that by now
They would recognize how
There are many things doctors don't know.
--- Alaine Perry

The doctor said, "Here's my prognosis:
He might later develop thrombosis.
I don't like to mention,
But it is my contention,
He also has some halitosis."
--- Al Willis

Now how could a girl feel depressed
When seductively asked to undress?
He was gentle but bold,
His hands slightly cold....
As the Specialist fingered her breast!
--- Anon

A famous physician named Rex
Who worked only on cases complex,
Lost his fame and his touch
'Cause his hands shook so much
From an over-abundance of sex.
--- P8305

A new-minted doctor named Durkee
Seems just a bit oddball and quirky.
He treated for migraine
And abnormal eyestrain,
The family's Thanksgiving turkey.
--- Armand E Singer 525

To the doctor went old Mrs. Scott,
For the pain in her chest hurt a lot.
Said the doctor, so wise,
"Please spread out your thighs,
And lets have a look at your twat."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2288

Writing orders, a doctor from Flaster
Made his pen scribble faster and faster.
He developed a scrawl
That was unreadable;
Left his patients at risk for disaster.
--- Jim Weaver Collection X

A fat pediatrician from Minsk
Met a plump gyno-surgeon from Pinsk.
They married in haste,
Their talents to waste,
As their children were all born so thin'sk.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The acquisitive Dr de Battic
Is never confused or erratic.
All those who can pay
Are sent, well, on their way.
The others get whipped in his attic.
--- David A Brooks

A doctor who made a prognosis
Said, "Madam, 'tis my diagnosis
You have a touch
Of flu in the crutch."
He was wrong -- it was myxomatosis!

(myxomatosis - mucoid degeneration and tumors; rabbit virus)
--- Spike Milligan P8304X

A sick feminist knows as Tits Titus
Was told, "You've acute laryngitis."
She said, "Thanks, but you men
As such shits, doctor, when
You regard us as objects to slight us."
--- David A Brooks

There was an old man in Vienna
That had troubles with his wee old henner.
the urologist said
It was all in his head,
And smilingly billed him a tenner.
--- Joeri

A school boy who thought he could fake 'em,
Told the doctor he felt a sharp ache come;
The X-ray applied
Showed all his inside
Was looking as well as they make 'em.
--- Lims For Year - 01

Said the doc to a short tempered Jew,
"Pray tell, Mister Sussman, did you
Wake up grouchy today?"
Sussman said, "Doctor Gray,
No, I didn't. I let her sleep through."
--- Five Line Limericks P0306

Said the doc to a short-tempered Wop,
"Don Romano, did you wake up,
Perchance, grouchy today?"
He replied, "Doctor Gray,
No, I didn't. She sleeps like a top."
--- Arthur Deex P0306

Said the doc to a short-tempered Kraut,
"Herr Stein, I have simply no doubt
You woke grouchy today?"
Herman said, "Doctor Gray,
Nein, I left her to sleep the night out."
--- Arthur Deex P0306

When Doc said please open wide,
So he could look deeper inside,
Then didn't say naught,
He appeared deep in thought.
'Twas bad news his demeanor implied.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

There once was a fellow called Rollo,
Who agreed to a barium swallow.
The thing that doc found
Was his gut was quite round,
And not only that, it was hollow.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

I go to a doctor named Pine,
Who tickles the end of my spine.
I don't know his trick,
But I go in quite sick,
And when leaving I always feel fine.
--- Bob Birch P0511Q

The doc said his pain was a fake
Or simply "just a headache,"
So he gave him a pill,
The pain for to kill
And presented the bill at his wake.
--- Edwin J Weinstein X

They wrapped the blood pressure cuff
And squeezed the bulb with a puff.
His nerves were on fire
When the pressure rose higher.
He smiled, but it's all a big bluff.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

I went to the Doc for a cold,
That had been there so long it was old.
It was hard to teach choir,
To lead and inspire,
And 'twas hard for fermata to hold.
--- Hilde na Beag

This is file bsm

So he listened with stethoscope cold,
'Til the metal got caught in the fold
Of elastic in bra,
As he said, "Say AH."
And the string stretched out just like spun gold.
--- Hilde na Beag

Then I raised my eyes and said right bold,
"Will you please cut this string at the fold,
Before it unravels
Out there in my travels."
Now he's the "Bra Doctor", I'm told.
--- Hilde na Beag

There once was a drummer called Sam
Who went in for a doctor's exam.
He thought it quite neat
To have the wild beat
That jazzed up his cardiogram.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

It's not true that the doctor knows best
When he listens to noise in your chest,
Saying "Take a deep breath"
And you hold it 'til death.
He forgets that exhaling is next.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

The doctor examined Miss Pask;
He took the old spinster to task.
He said, "What I'm thinking,
You will have to stop drinking,
For you'll not find a prick in a flask!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1374X

There once was a doctor who said:
"The tiredness is all in your head."
So get out the door
And exercise more --
And perk up your life instead
--- Edwin J Weinstein

So this guy with his head in the dump
Got him some iron to pump.
Took the doctors advice
And exercised twice
To try to get out of his slump.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

After trying to lift weights once more,
A muscle in his back he then tore.
With a bellowing tone,
He found himself prone,
And unable to get off of the floor.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

So this wretched miserable gent
Back by ambulance to the doctor he went.
Now told what was best
Was to get "lots of rest
And pour on the liniment."
--- Edwin J Weinstein

I went to the doctor who said,
"You look awful -- now lie on this bed."
Then he gave me a check-up
From knee-cap to neck up
And said, "You're most probably dead."
--- Peter Wilkins X

I said, "I hope you agree,
Since I'm dead, this appointment is free."
Then I got up to leave
And just couldn't believe --
He charged me quadruple his fee.
--- Peter Wilkins

I find that man the physician
Has no sense at all of contrition,
For poking your butt
And squeezing your nut;
The bill is beyond recognition.
--- MrMalo

You can hear the violins fiddle
While you ponder this puzzling riddle:
You have to think twice
About diet advice
From a doc with a paunch in his middle.
--- Edwin J Weinstein X

There was a smart miss with a hernia,
Who said to her doctor, "Gol dern ya,
When improving my middle,
Be sure you don't fiddle,
With matters that do not concern ya."
--- Heywood Broun L1180X

"Cholesterol's high", said the doc,
"Eat oatmeal for breakfast, old sock,
And you would be smart
To strengthen your heart,
With a daily walk around the block!"
--- Observer X

So, oatmeal for breakfast he downed,
Then walked the whole block, all around;
He went home to cool
Himself in the pool,
But, cramping, the healthy fool drowned.
--- Travis Brasell X

The cramps, though, were caused by a venom
His wifey had sprayed on his denim --
See, the wife and the Doc
Had poisoned Old Sock
And split the insurance betwenim!
--- Brian Belge

It just goes to show what they say
Is the truth, and you can't go astray.
You can still do your part
To enstrengthen your heart,
But we all end up dead, anyway.
--- Liam na Baeg X

I went to the doctor with lumps;
Just thinking that I had the mumps.
For the sake of this verse,
He said it was worse,
The near unpronouncable nunps!
--- Anon

The doctors all said it was simple:
"It's not to worry! This pimple
Though festered and hairy
And looking so scary,
Is only an inside-out dimple!"
--- Anon

I went to the doctor and sat for a fee,
And asked him, "Whatever's the matter with me?"
He looked in my mouth
And at joints north and south,
"Diagnosis: Incurable atrophy!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8305

A spastic fellow named Kirk
Had reflexes that were more than berserk.
When doc struck his patella,
This mucular fella
Kicked him a mile with his jerk.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

My young doctor, Alice, just flung
A strange diagnosis, that hung
Like a cloud overhead,
The moment she said:
"A shadow you have on your lung."
--- Anon

She grinned down at me, and I knew,
The words that she'd spoken were true.
The shadow in quest-
ion was that of her breast,
That the overhead filament threw.
--- Anon

Poor Jeff, saw his doc, said, "he's tired."
A vitamin was all he desired.
But the doc said he'd try
To find out just why
As a sloth, Jeff seemed to be mired.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

He was examined from his head to his toe,
To seek out the cause of his woe.
To be honestly frank,
The doc came up a blank;
Told Jeff, to the lab he must go.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Jeff took each test in the book;
There were none he dared overlook.
From a forearm vein,
He saw his blood drain,
And the funds from his own pocketbook.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Stumbling and unable to walk,
Jeff then returned to his doc.
"Tell me what's wrong;
This has gone on too long;
And my home, I've now had to hock."
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Said the doc, "I'm not being unkind,
But it seems it was all in your mind.
It would be better instead,
If we examined your head,
And to a shrink, you start to unwind."
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Poor Jeff, in a desperate state,
Went to a pub his tale to relate.
The iron in wine
Made him feel fine,
And his thoughts he could now liquid-ate.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Dr Blum made a final report
On a problem he's trying to thwart.
"The urine sample
Just wasn't ample,
Only drops when I asked for a quart."
--- Tom Patton P9704

Said the buxom young lady in France,
As she looked at her doctor askance,
"Your manner is clinical,
I'm sorry I'm cynical,
But what is that bulge in your pants?"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0312

"Why, doctor, you sly little pup;
You noticed my bra is E-cup.
You call this palpation;
It's not my 'magination;,
I think you're just feeling me up!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0312