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I'm sorry, I have to insist A German trichologist said, There was a queer doctor from Putney, There once was an intern named Homer (gomer - get out of my emergency room)
He had recently had several faints On exam, he was markedly dyspneic, (short of breath) He had Kernig's sign and Brudzinski's (menigitis
symptoms) His sodium was one-eleven. At Nurse Nightengale's urgent request, Homer called the attending, McSnappum, The CSF Tech, name of Herm, (cerebrospinal fluid tech) Just then some disaster embolic (blood clot breaks
loose) "Harumph!" said T. Rosborous, reddening, A medical student named Hetrick A medical student from Burke Three interns sat down to converse, On hearing the case, Terry Rosborous Abdominal misery had Spurgeon; The near-bankrupt Doctor Von Bursis The elegant swan does attract us, The physician who treated Miss Millicent Here's some advice that's first class, The doctor has talents so varied, There was a poor fellow named Will, He performed his stress test with a will; Said the Doc to the sick patient, Lear, Poor Will had a devilish plight; The doctors have learned all the tricks; Her courage she needed to mount; Those doctors who cut up your guts A patient of old Dr. Gilmore When nine out of ten use brand A A Bronx plastic surgeon named Roark The doctor is certain I will Sven, a doctor with many degrees, When I go to the doc, he does sieze, A famous old surgeon named Sill, A doctor chases ills A homeopath from Darjeeling I consider punctuality as prime. In the post-Christian age it's regressional, All physicians when known as "the late," While waiting her turn to be seen, A doctor named Peregrine Bill I hurried so, not to be late "I've got this terrible pain in my head." Moaned an analyst, bent in a crouch, There once was a doctor named Clancy To the doctor came sickly Miss Proctor, While awaiting your turn to be seen, The patients were lined up in rows, The doctor said be there at eight; On this spot at great building will rise The doctor's receptionist, Kate, Well, what is a poor girl to do A proctology team from Amos, My last visit to dear Dr Bloom, Said the nurse to the patient, "Now hear's "He'd been far 'behind' the whole summer; After launching his 'scope homeward-bound, Proctologists meeting en masse The proctologist said, "I'd adore a kiss." The preacher, a fisher of men, In view of the patient apostate, Enduring a rectal exam, Dr Jones has a digital cam- "You're going to feel a large prick,
That you stay pretty low on my list.
You can't comfortably dine
Until I've got mine,
Requiring much more than ONE fist
--- Anon
Impatiently scratching his head,
"I hate my name Fritz,
It's the absolute pits;
Will you call me Herr Doktor instead."
--- Anon
Who told a young man that his cut knee
Would heal quicker if treated
With a poultice of heated
Asparagus powder and chutney.
--- Alexander Baron
Who admitted his one-millionth Gomer.
He had fevers and chills
And took thrity-eight pills
And some blackish stuff oozed from his stoma.
--- Cliff Packer P9311
And unspecified gastric complaints.
In the name of what's holy,
He'd pulled out his Foley,
And chewed through the leather restraints.
--- Cliff Packer P9311
Cyanotic, demented, tachypneic, (breathing fast)
He had tabes dorsalis (tertiary syphyllis)
And smelled like Vitalis
And had a remarkably stiff neck. (meningitis symptom)
--- Cliff Packer P9311
With bilateral blooming Babinskis. (bad nuerology)
When you tapped on his nose,
He wiggled his toes,
And clubbing was seen in his pinkies. (low oxygen chronic)
--- Cliff Packer P9311
His potaassium came back at seven.
His bicarb was late,
But his pH was eight,
And his B.U.N. one-ninety-seven. (metabolic abnormalities)
--- Cliff Packer P9311
Homer fitted him with a vest. (Posey restraint vest)
The patient lost heart,
Gave a thunderous fart,
And settled his brains for a rest.
--- Cliff Packer P9311
Who uttered just three words: "Let's tap him." (spinal tap)
It took twenty-three tries.
Homer thought, tears in eyes,
"If McSnappum were here, I would slap him."
--- Cliff Packer P9311
Paged Homer with news of the germ.
"There's nine million cells
And it certainly smells
And I've spotted a few motile sperm."
--- Cliff Packer P9311
Rendered Homer's old gnome asystolic. (no heart beat)
Though they paged Dr. Shronds,
He slipped earth's surly bonds
And skipped off to pastures bucolic.
--- Cliff Packer P9311
"Your clinical skills must be deadening.
Next time you must check
On the veins in his neck, (check signs of fluid overload)
And chelate all of the lead in him."
--- Cliff Packer P9311
Is learned in matters obstetric.
From a glance at the toes,
Of the mother, he knows
If the foetus's balls are symmetric.
--- L0932
Had tackle that just wouldn't work;
Though luscious and massive,
Could only stay passive
And drove every night-nurse berserk.
--- Hugh Oliver A108A
Unaware their words sounded perverse.
Whether simply benign
Or by evil design,
They soon learned that you don't bait a nurse.
--- Betty Ann Cansano
Said quietly, "What was the phosphorous?"
"We checked it for fun--
It was zero-point-one,"
Mumbled Homer. "We thought it preposterous."
--- Cliff Packer P9311
His pains from appendix did burgeon.
To most men on this earth
No appendix has worth,
But it's valued quite high by a surgeon.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2803X
Depended on registered nurses.
Though a man in his prime,
He used his free time
To check not their bods, but their purses.
--- Tucker D Ott P9001
Though sometimes his manners distract us.
Like his action so crass
With his bill up his ass --
It's a trick that a doctor should practice.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2938X
Has depressed her, although he's quite innocent.
It wasn't his style
That turned off her smile,
It was just the amount of the billicent.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Applying to doctors en masse --
They should swans emulate,
And their stock will inflate;
They should all shove their bills up their ass.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1993X
But his patients are worried and harried,
For their cure is protracted
Till their cash is extracted,
And mistakes are conveniently buried.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9704
A doctor's call made him quite ill.
It wasn't the prescription
That caused the conniption;
He died when he opened the bill!
--- Jean H. Gimbut P9202X
All appeared uneventful until
He was, as he waited,
Discombobulated.
The real stress came when he got the bill.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0412
"In six months, you'll unlikely be here."
Says Lear, "Can't pay my bill
'Cause my cash flow is nil."
Says the Doc, "I'll extend you a year!"
--- Observer X
Said doc, "Don't be so uptight."
Said Will, "It's not funny;
I can't pay you the money."
Now guess who's not feeling quite right?
--- Edwin J Weinstein
The ear, nose, and throat how to fix.
And for ten bucks a grunt,
They will look at a cunt
And make fortunes from assholes and pricks.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2344
Of assurance, her doc was a fount.
He whittled her hips,
Then pumped up her lips,
And emptied her checking account.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0605
Are out for the money, not nuts.
When they scrape out your pooper,
It's the dough they find super:
The MONEY!--no if's, and's, or but's!
--- G1397
Asked, "Why, when you charge, do you bill more?"
The old doctor replied,
"They can't pay when they've died,
And lately I find that I kill more."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2591a
To keep a headache away.
Why does the other
Prefer still another,
Or wasn't he offered the pay?
--- Edwin J Weinstein X
Can double the length of your dork.
At a thousand an inch,
The doc is a cinch
To own the whole town of New York.
--- P8305X
This is file bpm
Never choke when I'm trying to fill
My stomach with food,
But he does find it rude
If I choke when I'm reading his bill.
--- Charlie Roe
Who worked hard and charged nominal fees,
Said, "I sadly discern,
That some lazy slobs earn
What I do, and with much greater ease!
--- Sal R
And I hope he enjoys what he sees.
As over I turn,
And he looks with concern,
But I fear that he only fee sees.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2701
Say his patients, while treating the ill,
Does not at this juncture
Employ acupuncture.
He sticks them, instead, with his bill.
--- X P8305
With multitudes of pills,
And makes you feel
Alive and real
Until you see his bills.
--- P8305
Was dedicated to healing.
But now at one stroke
He's bankrupt and broke,
'Cause he never charged more than one sheeling.
--- Spike Mulligan
So, for appointments, I'm always on time.
But I inevitably wait,
Because the doctor is late.
So I just sit and work on a rhyme.
--- Bob Aldrich P0511Q
But the need for the shrink is obsessional.
With some patients, at least,
He's supplanted the priest,
And the couch is the modern confessional.
--- A N Wilkins P9201
On arriving at the Pearly Gate,
Must be seen and then judged.
Since God's schedule won't budge,
They'll be forced to wait, wait, wait, and wait.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0205x
She re-read her third magazine.
And from what she had learned,
She discovered what turned
Her urine to bright Kelly green.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Felt suddenly terribly ill.
Not sure what to do,
He joined his own queue--
And then wondered why it stayed still.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
To discover what is my fate.
The doc does not care
How long you sit there,
If he's not the one that must wait.
--- Marlene Lewis
"Fill out the form", the nurse said.
"But by the time I get through
With page one-hundred and two,
Both you and I will be dead!"
--- Edwin J Weinstein x
As he grabbed at his genitals, "Ouch!
It's only for science
I screw female clients--
But really, I need a new couch!"
--- Norm Storer P9201
Who lived on lower Delancy.
Though the office seemed spare,
He gave very good care,
Though the treatment he gave wasn't fancy.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
He stepped into the room and unfrocked her.
But the doc looked so rotten,
That her ills were forgotten --
She felt better on seeing the doctor.
--- Albin Chaplin P0105
Your engrossed in some old magazine,
When the nurse calls your name.
You look up in disdain,
Thinking thoughts that are almost obscene.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Depressed with all of their woes.
Yet their doctor, it seems,
Teed off on the greens.
Why they stayed? Nobody knows.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
And woe unto me if I'm late.
But at quarter to nine,
I was still in the line.
The doc had too much on his plate.
--- Anon x
Where doctors will optomitrize.
It may not be pretty,
But here in the city,
It will be a site for sore eyes.
--- Norm Storer x
Has not been receptive of late.
Her vibrating phone
Is making her moan,
Not clients who can't keep a date.
--- Frank Sfa
With her doctor's appointment at two?
Then is barely alive
When examined at five,
And told, "It's only the flu."
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Lost in space said, "You really can't blame us.
No matter how hard we try,
To find our way in the sky,
We always wind up at Uranus.
--- Jim Weaver Collection x
I approached with a clear sense of gloom.
As he said, "Take your stance,"
I held on to my pants,
So he chased me all 'round the room.
--- Tom Patton P0510Q
A magazine to give you cheers!
Please anticipate
A very short wait...
Proctologist is in arrears!"
--- Observer x
It was known in the bars, he's a slummer."
The patient retorted,
"He should be reported --
His treatment of me's a real bummer.!
--- Observer
A proctologist needs a blood-hound
And a fine tactile sense
To tell the difference
'Twixt his ass and a hole in the ground.
--- Arthur Deex P9106
Agreed on extolling the ass:
"It may be a monkey's
Or even a donkey's,
But if it's an ass, it's got class!"
--- Pierce Evans
And then told his wife, "I need more of this.
All this probing in guts,
Makes a fellow feel nuts;
It's just been a bad day at the orifice."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8803
Became a bum doctor, and then,
He dispensed with the prayer
And is into healthcare.
Now he looks into fissures of men.
--- Al Willis P9704
The medical world is a tossed state.
But once he has sacked
His physician in fact,
Is the guy going to check his own prostate?
--- A N Wilkins P9107x
Colonscope so cold I scream "Damn!"
He'll push and he'll pull it,
I'll just bite the bullet,
And be greatful I don't have to cram.
--- Eleanor Pontiuse
Corder and computer with RAM.
The technology's pivotal;
His equipment all digital;
And the same for his prostate exam.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0510Q
But it will be over quite quick,"
Said Fred the proctologist,
And part-time zoologist,
Then slid in his twelve inch horse dick.
--- Jon Gearhart
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