He described what he'd do in detail,
And then pretty young Nellie grew pale.
To be played with down there
Gave this patient a scare,
And what if the treatment would fail.
--- Anon

But considering all of the facts
She wondered if she could relax.
The doc said, "Don't linger,
I've warmed up my finger,
And I know about contours and cracks."
--- Anon

Young Nellie, a virginal maid,
Had never been fondled nor laid.
Closing tight her blue eyes
She spread open her thighs
As her fears began slowly to fade.
--- Anon

She felt a soft gentle caress
As Doc Shelly reached under her dress.
When he hit the right spot
Our sweet Nellie got hot,
And at this point she couldn't care less.
--- Anon

She felt she was high like on coke,
Then it seemed that her fever had broke.
She yelled "Holly shit!"
When her orgasm hit,
And she thought she had just had a stroke.
--- Anon

Both her legs were still up in the air
When she asked "What just happened down there?
That was something all new,
My God what did you do?
Never mind, it felt good, I don't care!"
--- Anon

"I hope that your schedule's not booked,
Let me know what you've got once you've looked.
I still feel quite delirious,
My condition's most serious,
On this treatment I think I am hooked."
--- Anon

In his book the doc took a quick peek,
"I can see you again in one week."
Then his treatment progressed,
As the doc got undressed-
'Twas a pelvic exam, so to speak.
--- Anon

"Now Nellie, I want you to heed,
"I'm giving a shot that you need,"
Well the doc began moaning,
That then turned to groaning,
And poor Mary had thought he had peed.
--- Anon

One day as our Nellie undressed,
She said, "I'm becoming obsessed
That my belly's grow larger,"
So the doc didn't charge 'er,
And said, "You are merely depressed."
--- Anon

Doc Shelly said then with a wink,
"On this pad I will write what I think,
For it's all in your head,"
So I think that instead
Of me you should go see this shrink."
--- Anon

Said the shrink, "No you're not a neurotic,
And you're hardly a raving psychotic.
It is not a delusion
Nor crazy illusion,
The cause of your swelling's erotic."
--- Anon

So she called up Doc Shelly and said,
"The shrink said it's not in my head,
But I wanted to mention,
That I'm feeling some tension,
And I fear that I'll soon be quite dead."
--- Anon

Then the doc said, "That news is quite numbing,
But I've sworn to attend to your plumbing.
So don't worry at all,
For I'll make a house call,
You'll not go, for I'll soon have you coming."
--- Anon

Well, he skillfully dispelled her fears,
And her orgasm brought her to tears.
But she said with a grin,
As the doctor slid in,
"This treatment will likely take years."
--- Anon

So that was the story of Nellie,
And her care under old Doctor Shelly.
Diagnosis was made,
And the doctor's been paid,
But her cure caused a well-rounded belly.
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Stoup
Enrolled in our therapy group.
While we sat around,
Stoup uttered no sound
While decoding alphabet soup.
--- Irving Superior P8904

The psychiatrists commonest shtick?
"You have problems because you are sick!"
But psychologists find
That your sickness of mind
Is because you have problems! Click-click?
--- Jemstone

A therapist made this confession:
"I'm an expert at curing depression.
My patients stay well
Till I send them my bill,
Then suffer an instant regression."
--- Laurence Perrine P8503

"I'm not paranoid," said Mr. Grau
To his shrink, "but I certain somehow
That both women and men
Are conspiring again
To avoid persecuting me now."
--- A N Wilkins P8904

I never get mad, I get hostile;
I never feel sad, I'm depressed;
If I sew or I knit,
And enjoy it one bit,
I'm not handy, I'm merely obsessed.
--- Samson

I never regret, I feel guilty;
And if I should vacuum the hall,
Wash the woodwork and such,
And not mind it too much,
Am I tidy? Compulsive that's all.
--- Samson

If I can't choose a hat, I have conflicts,
With ambivalent feelings towards net.
I never get worried
Or nervous or hurried--
Anxiety, that's what I get.
--- Samson

If I'm happy, I must be euphoric;
If I go to the Stork Club or Ritz,
And have a good time
Making puns or a rhyme,
I'm manic, or maybe a schitz.
--- Samson

If I tell you I'm right, your submissive,
Repressing agressiveness, too!
And when I disagree,
I'm defensive, you see,
And projecting my symptoms on you.
--- Samson

I love you, but that's just transference,
With Electra rearing her head;
My breathing asthmatic
Is psychosomatic,
A fear of exclaiming, "Drop Dead!"
--- Samson

I'm not lonely, I'm simply dependent;
My dog has no fleas, just a tic--
So if I act hateful,
Never mind, just be grateful
I'm not really a stinker--I'm sick
--- Samson

They've given up hope on Al Mencia.
They say that his mind's in "absentia".
Somatic his psycho
And phrenic his schizo
And praecoxly at his dementia.
--- Irving Superior P8904

A neurotic was in a sad plight
When he visited his shrink one cold night,
A doctor named Purdy,
To ask, "Is sex dirty?"
He said, "Just if you do the thing right."
--- A N Wilkins P8904X

She sucks Pete of in six seconds.
Once spent, he'll be flaccid, ah reckons.
In spite of her skill
He needs Dr Phil
To help him when hot poontang beckons.
--- Randog

Case History of Roger P.
A premature come-off-er he.
"What makes you pre-shoot
Is that your wife's too cute."
So he exchanged his wife with me.
--- Irving Superior P8904

Psychiatrists often use couches
To learn what a person avouches;
Their patients relax,
Revealing the facts
Behind psychological "ouches."
--- R J Winkler P8503

Psychiatrist (easily bored)
Heard something that did strike a chord.
Sketched his wiener-dog
As its analogue --
His patient, quite plainly, was floored.
--- Anon

This is file bmm

He said to a friend whom he spied
At the analyst's place, "I confide
That I feel in a way
Rather schizoid today."
"That makes four of us, friend," he replied.
--- A N Wilkins P8904X

A psychiatrist living in Dallas
Once treated a fellow for malice,
And now he's benign.
He brought him in line
By removing some spunk from his phallus.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

The plumber, a dyed-in-the-wool tinker,
Was given this job -- a real stinker.
A psychiatrist man
Had to have a small can
'Cause he was a famous head shrinker.
--- John Dohner P8904

"Why's my wife spend all day on the phone?"
Analyzed a head-shrinker named Cohen.
"Penis envy, no doubt!"
But his wife pointed out
That she sure didn't envy his own.
--- Michael Weinstein P8305

To the analyst, Edward would plod,
His psyche, his shrink there to prod.
This decision, some said,
Was unwise for it led
To the care of Ed's id by the odd.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410

A psychiatrist fellow from Rye,
Went to visit another close by,
Who said with a grin
As he welcomed him in,
"Hello Smith! You're all right! How am I!"
--- Stephen Cass X

Urged Id, "Let's attack while she's bare."
Warned Ego, "Be patient. Take care.
We must not get caught."
"Let's do what we ought,"
Super-ego said tersely: "Be fair."
--- Laurence Perrine P8905

"I did what I did, " declared Id,
"I wish you had hid what you did,"
Said Ego. "Amigo,"
Proclaimed Super-Ego,
"You shouldn't have done what you did."
--- Laurence Perrine P890

If you go to a shrink, bon ami,
And he says to you, "Friend, c'est la vie."
When he asks what you feel
And then says, "No big deal!"
You know just as much as does he.
--- Al Willis P9808

An Egyptian psychiatrist's file,
Lists a patient beyond reconcile.
From the river, he squealed,
"Praise to Allah, I'm healed,"
But the shrink said, "Your just in de Nile."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9711X

"With most female patients I've tried,
And I take some professional pride,"
Said the shrink, "I confess,
In my modest success
In keeping them all satisfied."
--- A N Wilkins P9201

Case History of Sherry G.
A kleptomaniac was she.
And as you may guess
I made her undress
So less temptation there would be.
--- Irving Superior P8904

Said a newly wed fellow named Finnigan
To his shrink, "Oh God, will I grin again --
She never would screw;
Now she says when we do
As soon as we're through, 'Let's begin again.'"
--- Bob Giandomenico P8905

A doctor is Bob by profession;
Retired now but still in possession
Of most, if not all,
Of his faculties small,
And a couch, for the sake of impression.
--- Art Decorum

Though some in his circle may scoff,
He wan't dismissed or struck off.
He merely had surgin's
Of lust for young virgins
And asked for permission to boff.
--- Art Decorum

Old ladies who suffered in shame
Were cleansed of their guilt and their blame
By a shrink name of Scott
Who said, "Fear not the twat,
For to love and to fuck are the same."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2295A

My therapist used all her skills,
And put me on various pills.
I said to her, "Honey,
What I need is more money
For anxieties caused by your bills.
--- Laurence Perrine P8905X

The psychiatrist had done a lot
For a gorgeous young creature named Ott.
But he said, "We're agreed
From now on you will need
Every last inhibition you've got."
--- A N Wilkins P8904X

Three shrinks at a congress in Gateshead
Lost their hotel whilst out getting fed.
They asked their way
From a cop who did say,
"You'll never find it 'cause it's straight ahead!"
--- Anon

The psychiatrist's always assured
That his patients won't die, but the word
That keeps them returning
(And keeps him on earning)
Is that they are never quite cured.
--- A N Wilkins P9201

Sam's dick is having his say;
And usually has his own way.
If my quim starts to talk,
It's time for a walk
To a shrink, who won't charge for a lay!
--- Anon

"Psychoanalysts," groused Dr. Hormel,
"Have made id official and formal
That they in the main
Are essentially sane
And the rest of us all are abnormal."
--- A N Wilkins P9201

I'm taking so long with my think,
My screen saver's sure I'm ablink.
Those flying toasters
(After dark bread roasters),
I think I will go see my shrink.
--- Archie

My psychiatrist, heard in confession,
Admits a deep-seated obsession.
After voiding his bowels
He gets gloomy, and howls
In the throes of post-partum depression.
--- Jemstone

There was a psychiatrist named Dickey,
Had a very cute patient named Nikki,
Who had never climaxed.
He said, "Just relax.
I'll correct your problem with a "quickie!"
--- Laurence Craft

There was a next-to-the-skin flannelist,
Who complained of the fees from his panel list;
But he grouses no more
Now the plate on his door
Bears the lucrative lure 'Psycho-Analyst'.
--- Anon Punch 1924 (Bibby)

Case History of Leonard C.
A sado-masochist is he.
My greatest challenge yet
If I don't get upset --
The first half hour he beats me.
--- Irving Superior P8904

There once was a schizo from Fife
Who threatened his very own life,
For his analyst thought
That the fellow had caught
The other guy screwing his wife.
--- A N Wilkins P8904

A patient whose name was Ann Backy,
Was driving her analyst whacky.
She kept on believing
His words were deceiving;
All this as they lay in the sacky.
--- Mikhail Lyubansky

The patient arrived in the buff;
Only plastic wrap covered his butt.
The psychiatrist said,
While shaking her head,
"I can clearly see y'r nuts."
--- Anon

Said a medical prof Dr. Kind,
"An analyst may be defined
As one in all seasons
For professional reasons
Has nothing but sex on his mind."
--- A N Wilkins P8904

"Oh Father, I have a confession!
I went to a therapy session.
He pulled up my dress
To rid me of stress;
And now I've a sexual obsession!"
--- Wormdirt TP9804

Case History of Mildred V.
A nymphomaniac was she.
Although I didn't think
She'd nymph me, her shrink,
She couched it so seductively.
--- Irving Superior P8904X