On my mind, all I've got's limerick's song! Case History of Roger B. By neurosis is how the "IN" rate us. The psychiatrist, young Doctor Fern, It's more serious than you might think, A hard-drinking shrink, Freddy Floose, In Pharoh's time, there were no shrinks, "My husband," complained Mrs. Cobb, I went to a shrink for advice, Case History of Harold Z. A psychologist, Tony Pratt, When a crazy psychotic named Bly "My shrink for an outrageous fee On the couch at his shrink's, the man sighed. The anesthetist doesn't work cheap. My son is a doc, a clinician; Dr Blum, the urologist told me An old obstretician named Lee Said the head of the Safety Commission, There was a young lady of York, Opthalmologist, J. Bicker Trys, Said the aging ophthalmologist. There was an optician respectable, An optician who practised in Rye, Here's a question designed to perplex. A roguish optician is Lee. An orthopedist has just what it takes A podiatrist knows how it feels, Podiatrists work at the bottom When urology patients were polled, "This device," said Urologist Soint, Said Urologists Rivers and Otter "Dr. Freud, I'm beginning to fret;
This is file blm
A veterinary surgeon from Fife There once was a young man named Aaron, A small black cat once crossed my path Absorbed by dream worlds perception, There was an old fellow of Fife, I wandered so lonely...a cloud, When oft on my couch I do lie, There was an old man from Chaddis Ford A hungry young schoolboy from Cheam, Ethereal visions of the heart A young stallion, desiring an heir, Their fantasies have an appeal There was a young lady of Worcester, In her eyes, he imagined a gleam, My bad dreams are hard to recall. Two nights in a row without joy, My accounts and investments were teeming, There was an old butcher of Kife A fanciful dreamer named Kiam A prudish young girl of St. Paul There was a young lady of Crete, I remember the days back yonder So the moral to this tale, you may ask? I'm rolling around in my bed; At night he couldn't snooze Great benefit you can derive The Honourable Winifred Wemyss In the throes of the happy delusion, A highly strung lady called Weems Though your dreams may seem normal and right, At the Villa Dementia, the sleepers On TV there's been so much pap, A pious young maiden named Dexter, When nightmares wake you with a scream,
My doctor said, "Something is wrong;
By the way that you're acting,
It must be distracting,
And your blue jeans aren't showing your dong!"
--- Anon
This schizo-phrenic said to me,
"You will agree, I'm sure
Without me there's no cure."
So I agreed to split the fee.
--- Irving Superior P8904
Intellectuals thus deprecate us
As deficient of brain
If we're thoroughly sane.
One's shrink is a symbol of status.
--- A N Wilkins P9201
Was asked what he hoped to discern
From his patients sex acts
And revalent facts.
He said, "Think of what I might learn!"
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay X
Not dismissed with leer or a wink.
You better get going,
Your bad ego's showing,
It's time that you visit a shrink.
--- Chris Papa
Holds deeply heretical views;
He is greatly annoyed
When reminded of Freud,
For he treats all his patients with booze.
--- Norman Storer P0211
So anyone with mental kinks
Must lie upon the sand,
With ear cupped in his hand,
And tell his troubles to the Sphinx.
--- Irving Superior P8904
"In bed's an insensitive slob."
"If he can't give you joy,"
Said the shrink, "Then employ
More men to put on the job."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8905
But he asked me the same questions twice;
About my insurance,
And sexual endurance,
And that didn't seem very nice.
--- Anon
A senior hight school teacher he.
"Those bastards in my class --
I feel like kicking ass."
"Go see your football coach not me."
--- Irving Superior P8904
Would talk with his patients while flat.
They would sit up straight
While asked to relate,
"What is it that you mean by that?"
--- Anon
From a rooftop believed he could fly;
Wearing only a hat,
He hit with a splat...
And a shrink stroked his beard and asked, "Why?"
--- Bob Birch P0800
Asks me questions galore," observed Lee,
"Of a personal kind
Which from time out of mind
My wife has been asking for free."
--- A N Wilkins P8904 X
"Nobody these days, Dr. Clyde,
Ever takes what I say
In a serious way."
"You're kidding," the doctor replied.
--- A N Wilkins P8306X
Her job is to put you to sleep,
So the surgeon can cut
And you'll keep your eyes shut,
Lying still without making a peep.
--- Sheila B
He's known as a bariatrician.
His specialty's fat;
Never mind where you're at,
To achieve healthy weight that's his mission.
--- Anon
Of an exam he made for free.
He examined the Pope
With a well practiced grope,
A voyage to the bottom of the See.
--- Tom Patton P0604
Remarked, "I've done well, as you see,
Because in my line,
I have, rain or shine,
So many men working for me."
--- P8305X
"Our speaker tonight's a physician
Who constantly faces
Accident cases --
Doc Sloan, the well known obstetrician!"
--- P8305X
Who was shortly expecting the stork,
When the doctor walked in
With a businesslike grin,
A pickax, a spade, and a fork.
--- Anon
From whose shingle one just might surmise,
Has drops, ointment and balm
To make angry orbs calm.
It reads simply, "A SITE FOR SORE EYES."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0203
"It's my own diagnosis I missed.
The beam lodged in my eye
I called a "mote" gone dry.
When I do stuff like this, I get pissed."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704
Who fell in his grinding receptacle.
He later was found
All garnished and ground
To mince-meat, ant not a fine spectacle!
--- Rick Limmer T9711
Sadly had only one eye.
He'd given the other
To somebody's brother,
And it wasn't the thing to ask why.
--- Michael Palin
Concerning those girls who wear 'specs',
If they get more passes
Than girls without glasses,
The optician's to blame, one suspects!
--- H Myers T9801X
To patients: "Oh say can you see...?"
In the hope that one might,
"...by the dawn's early light...",
Then duet the Star Spangled B.
--- Irving Superior P8503
For treating your factures and aches.
He's very well touted
With no bones about it.
It seems that he gets all the breaks.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8811X
Keeping lives on the most even keels:
"Take steps to forgive,
Letting other souls live,
And you'll find that it's time wounds all heels".
--- Doug Harris P0604
Removing your corns if you've got 'em,
Then easily ease
A pedal disease
Like plantar-type warts if you've caught 'em.
--- R J Winkler P8503
The complaint that was most often told
Was: In times of emergency,
Calls made with urgency
Always were answered, "Please hold."
--- Jerry Nordal P2005 X
"May appear strange, but more to the point,
While it's somewhat frigid,
It does remain rigid.
What more could one ask a ball joint?"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704
To incontinent patient Len Potter,
"The reason you leak,
Even now as we speak,
You are changing your wine into water."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9710
I dream of a sexy quintet
With five patients of mine!"
"Ach, Ich all ze time!"
"No, Doctor, you see, I'm a vet!"
--- Tutta Gioia X
Once dressed up to frighten his wife.
When asked, "Is this wise?"
He replied in surprise,
"Where I come from this sort of thing's rife."
--- Michael Palin
At whom the ladies were starin'.
He was tall, dark and tan,
Quite the ladies man,
Then he woke up.
--- Anon
And scared, I awaited its wrath.
It clung with its claws,
And scratched at my jaws,
And that's when I woke up in math.
--- Allison Penney
The purring of puss is perfection.
Vibrating my lap,
I wake from my nap,
And find that I have an erection.
--- Frank
Who was garden-mad all of his life.
He dreamed in his slumbers,
Of giant cucumbers,
Which greatly embarrassed his wife.
--- Anon
O'er daffodils gold, quite a crowd...
I saw at a glance
That head-bobbing dance...
I peed on them. God I am proud!
--- TuttaGioia
They flash upon my inward eye...
Those damn daffodils
With their fucking gold frills,
While I'm craving to dream teenage pie.
--- TuttaGioia
Who dreamed that he fell on a sword;
It was only a dream
So he stifled a scream,
But when he woke up he was gored.
--- Lims Unlimited
Stuffed himself full of scones and ice cream.
As he shouted, "What bliss
To be filled up like this!"
He awoke, empty still. 'Twas a dream.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Are glimpsed as we sleep in the dark.
Their memory remains
Until once again
We slumber and let them embark.
--- Azul
Dreamed of finding exactly the right mare.
He arranged a blind date,
But found out too late,
His dream filly was just a nightmare.
--- Carole J. Heffley
That opening worlds reveal,
When youngsters engage
In dreams at an age
Before they discover what's real.
--- R J Winkler P8502
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream.
A bump in the mattress had goosed her.
--- L0908
The excitement intense and extreme.
But then complication;
The exhilaration --
Disappeared when he woke from his dream!
--- Observer
Nothing seems to have happened at all,
Once I get out of bed.
But some people have said,
That my screams could be heard down the hall.
--- Gerry Busch
I dreamt about helen of Troy.
It's very one-sided
'Cause she had decided.
Wooden horses beat my Tonka Toy.
--- Anon
My Ferraris and Maybachs were gleaming;
My castles were grand,
I owned mountains of land,
Then I woke, and I found I'd been dreaming.
--- Cap'n Bean P0501
Who said, "When I skewer my wife,
It's only in dreams,
And yet from her screams,
You'd think I was taking her life!"
--- Paul Waterman
Did fancy himself King of Siam.
He said, "I never bumble
And it's hard to be humble,
When you find you're great just like I am!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2642
Dreamt she'd undressed on the Mall.
The best of the joke
Was when she awoke,
And found mud on her backside and all.
--- G1602
Who dreamed she danced in the street.
Although it did seem
A peculiar dream,
There was mud on the soles of her feet.
--- Trad
O'er the hills of thought and mind wander;
Grand schemes, plans and musings,
My brain was perusing,
But now my gray matter just squander.
--- Anon
To explain it is a paramount task.
But I'd much rather not
Reveal the secret brain rot,
Because then I'd have to wear a mask.
--- Anon
The sheet's pulled up over my head.
I had a nightmare --
There's somebody there,
But he was all smelly and dead.
--- Anon
And always had the blues;
He had bad dreams
Till sunlight beams;
He never blamed the booze.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
From a nap, for a minute or five.
But my wife gives a scream,
Wakes me up from a dream,
Should I try it whenever I drive.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Saw styli and snakes in her dreams.
And these she enjoyed
Until she heard Freud
Say: "Nothing is quite what it seems."
--- Cyril Bibby
That life is not real but illusion,
I awaken to find
I was out of my mind,
And success is not fate but collusion.
--- Baxter Sperry P0111
Once caught a man in her dreams.
He vanished away
In the cold light of day,
But he left her some peppermint creams.
--- Michael Palin
They bring horrible things to the light.
You can only be sure
That you're perfectly pure,
If you dream about nothing all night.
--- J C B Date
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers.
It beats all night long
A dirge on a gong,
As it staggers about in the creepers.
--- Edward Gorey
(And cricket again has been crap),
So one just cannot beat
After plenty to eat,
A relaxing postprandial nap.
--- Peter Wilkins
Prayed so long that is damn near desexed 'er.
Yet, though she prayed hard,
Her mind, when off guard,
Churned up visions that vexed and perplexed 'er.
--- John Ciardi
And they make you want to blaspheme;
As soon as they've gone
Before passing them on,
Make sure you re-wind your old dreams.
--- David Miller