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On my mind, all I've got's limerick's song!
My doctor said, "Something is wrong;
By the way that you're acting,
It must be distracting,
And your blue jeans aren't showing your dong!"
--- Anon

Case History of Roger B.
This schizo-phrenic said to me,
"You will agree, I'm sure
Without me there's no cure."
So I agreed to split the fee.
--- Irving Superior P8904

By neurosis is how the "IN" rate us.
Intellectuals thus deprecate us
As deficient of brain
If we're thoroughly sane.
One's shrink is a symbol of status.
--- A N Wilkins P9201

The psychiatrist, young Doctor Fern,
Was asked what he hoped to discern
From his patients sex acts
And revalent facts.
He said, "Think of what I might learn!"
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay X

It's more serious than you might think,
Not dismissed with leer or a wink.
You better get going,
Your bad ego's showing,
It's time that you visit a shrink.
--- Chris Papa

A hard-drinking shrink, Freddy Floose,
Holds deeply heretical views;
He is greatly annoyed
When reminded of Freud,
For he treats all his patients with booze.
--- Norman Storer P0211

In Pharoh's time, there were no shrinks,
So anyone with mental kinks
Must lie upon the sand,
With ear cupped in his hand,
And tell his troubles to the Sphinx.
--- Irving Superior P8904

"My husband," complained Mrs. Cobb,
"In bed's an insensitive slob."
"If he can't give you joy,"
Said the shrink, "Then employ
More men to put on the job."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8905

I went to a shrink for advice,
But he asked me the same questions twice;
About my insurance,
And sexual endurance,
And that didn't seem very nice.
--- Anon

Case History of Harold Z.
A senior hight school teacher he.
"Those bastards in my class --
I feel like kicking ass."
"Go see your football coach not me."
--- Irving Superior P8904

A psychologist, Tony Pratt,
Would talk with his patients while flat.
They would sit up straight
While asked to relate,
"What is it that you mean by that?"
--- Anon

When a crazy psychotic named Bly
From a rooftop believed he could fly;
Wearing only a hat,
He hit with a splat...
And a shrink stroked his beard and asked, "Why?"
--- Bob Birch P0800

"My shrink for an outrageous fee
Asks me questions galore," observed Lee,
"Of a personal kind
Which from time out of mind
My wife has been asking for free."
--- A N Wilkins P8904 X

On the couch at his shrink's, the man sighed.
"Nobody these days, Dr. Clyde,
Ever takes what I say
In a serious way."
"You're kidding," the doctor replied.
--- A N Wilkins P8306X

The anesthetist doesn't work cheap.
Her job is to put you to sleep,
So the surgeon can cut
And you'll keep your eyes shut,
Lying still without making a peep.
--- Sheila B

My son is a doc, a clinician;
He's known as a bariatrician.
His specialty's fat;
Never mind where you're at,
To achieve healthy weight that's his mission.
--- Anon

Dr Blum, the urologist told me
Of an exam he made for free.
He examined the Pope
With a well practiced grope,
A voyage to the bottom of the See.
--- Tom Patton P0604

An old obstretician named Lee
Remarked, "I've done well, as you see,
Because in my line,
I have, rain or shine,
So many men working for me."
--- P8305X

Said the head of the Safety Commission,
"Our speaker tonight's a physician
Who constantly faces
Accident cases --
Doc Sloan, the well known obstetrician!"
--- P8305X

There was a young lady of York,
Who was shortly expecting the stork,
When the doctor walked in
With a businesslike grin,
A pickax, a spade, and a fork.
--- Anon

Opthalmologist, J. Bicker Trys,
From whose shingle one just might surmise,
Has drops, ointment and balm
To make angry orbs calm.
It reads simply, "A SITE FOR SORE EYES."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0203

Said the aging ophthalmologist.
"It's my own diagnosis I missed.
The beam lodged in my eye
I called a "mote" gone dry.
When I do stuff like this, I get pissed."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704

There was an optician respectable,
Who fell in his grinding receptacle.
He later was found
All garnished and ground
To mince-meat, ant not a fine spectacle!
--- Rick Limmer T9711

An optician who practised in Rye,
Sadly had only one eye.
He'd given the other
To somebody's brother,
And it wasn't the thing to ask why.
--- Michael Palin

Here's a question designed to perplex.
Concerning those girls who wear 'specs',
If they get more passes
Than girls without glasses,
The optician's to blame, one suspects!
--- H Myers T9801X

A roguish optician is Lee.
To patients: "Oh say can you see...?"
In the hope that one might,
"...by the dawn's early light...",
Then duet the Star Spangled B.
--- Irving Superior P8503

An orthopedist has just what it takes
For treating your factures and aches.
He's very well touted
With no bones about it.
It seems that he gets all the breaks.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8811X

A podiatrist knows how it feels,
Keeping lives on the most even keels:
"Take steps to forgive,
Letting other souls live,
And you'll find that it's time wounds all heels".
--- Doug Harris P0604

Podiatrists work at the bottom
Removing your corns if you've got 'em,
Then easily ease
A pedal disease
Like plantar-type warts if you've caught 'em.
--- R J Winkler P8503

When urology patients were polled,
The complaint that was most often told
Was: In times of emergency,
Calls made with urgency
Always were answered, "Please hold."
--- Jerry Nordal P2005 X

"This device," said Urologist Soint,
"May appear strange, but more to the point,
While it's somewhat frigid,
It does remain rigid.
What more could one ask a ball joint?"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9704

Said Urologists Rivers and Otter
To incontinent patient Len Potter,
"The reason you leak,
Even now as we speak,
You are changing your wine into water."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9710

"Dr. Freud, I'm beginning to fret;
I dream of a sexy quintet
With five patients of mine!"
"Ach, Ich all ze time!"
"No, Doctor, you see, I'm a vet!"
--- Tutta Gioia X

This is file blm

A veterinary surgeon from Fife
Once dressed up to frighten his wife.
When asked, "Is this wise?"
He replied in surprise,
"Where I come from this sort of thing's rife."
--- Michael Palin

There once was a young man named Aaron,
At whom the ladies were starin'.
He was tall, dark and tan,
Quite the ladies man,
Then he woke up.
--- Anon

A small black cat once crossed my path
And scared, I awaited its wrath.
It clung with its claws,
And scratched at my jaws,
And that's when I woke up in math.
--- Allison Penney

Absorbed by dream worlds perception,
The purring of puss is perfection.
Vibrating my lap,
I wake from my nap,
And find that I have an erection.
--- Frank

There was an old fellow of Fife,
Who was garden-mad all of his life.
He dreamed in his slumbers,
Of giant cucumbers,
Which greatly embarrassed his wife.
--- Anon

I wandered so lonely...a cloud,
O'er daffodils gold, quite a crowd...
I saw at a glance
That head-bobbing dance...
I peed on them. God I am proud!
--- TuttaGioia

When oft on my couch I do lie,
They flash upon my inward eye...
Those damn daffodils
With their fucking gold frills,
While I'm craving to dream teenage pie.
--- TuttaGioia

There was an old man from Chaddis Ford
Who dreamed that he fell on a sword;
It was only a dream
So he stifled a scream,
But when he woke up he was gored.
--- Lims Unlimited

A hungry young schoolboy from Cheam,
Stuffed himself full of scones and ice cream.
As he shouted, "What bliss
To be filled up like this!"
He awoke, empty still. 'Twas a dream.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Ethereal visions of the heart
Are glimpsed as we sleep in the dark.
Their memory remains
Until once again
We slumber and let them embark.
--- Azul

A young stallion, desiring an heir,
Dreamed of finding exactly the right mare.
He arranged a blind date,
But found out too late,
His dream filly was just a nightmare.
--- Carole J. Heffley

Their fantasies have an appeal
That opening worlds reveal,
When youngsters engage
In dreams at an age
Before they discover what's real.
--- R J Winkler P8502

There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream.
A bump in the mattress had goosed her.
--- L0908

In her eyes, he imagined a gleam,
The excitement intense and extreme.
But then complication;
The exhilaration --
Disappeared when he woke from his dream!
--- Observer

My bad dreams are hard to recall.
Nothing seems to have happened at all,
Once I get out of bed.
But some people have said,
That my screams could be heard down the hall.
--- Gerry Busch

Two nights in a row without joy,
I dreamt about helen of Troy.
It's very one-sided
'Cause she had decided.
Wooden horses beat my Tonka Toy.
--- Anon

My accounts and investments were teeming,
My Ferraris and Maybachs were gleaming;
My castles were grand,
I owned mountains of land,
Then I woke, and I found I'd been dreaming.
--- Cap'n Bean P0501

There was an old butcher of Kife
Who said, "When I skewer my wife,
It's only in dreams,
And yet from her screams,
You'd think I was taking her life!"
--- Paul Waterman

A fanciful dreamer named Kiam
Did fancy himself King of Siam.
He said, "I never bumble
And it's hard to be humble,
When you find you're great just like I am!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2642

A prudish young girl of St. Paul
Dreamt she'd undressed on the Mall.
The best of the joke
Was when she awoke,
And found mud on her backside and all.
--- G1602

There was a young lady of Crete,
Who dreamed she danced in the street.
Although it did seem
A peculiar dream,
There was mud on the soles of her feet.
--- Trad

I remember the days back yonder
O'er the hills of thought and mind wander;
Grand schemes, plans and musings,
My brain was perusing,
But now my gray matter just squander.
--- Anon

So the moral to this tale, you may ask?
To explain it is a paramount task.
But I'd much rather not
Reveal the secret brain rot,
Because then I'd have to wear a mask.
--- Anon

I'm rolling around in my bed;
The sheet's pulled up over my head.
I had a nightmare --
There's somebody there,
But he was all smelly and dead.
--- Anon

At night he couldn't snooze
And always had the blues;
He had bad dreams
Till sunlight beams;
He never blamed the booze.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Great benefit you can derive
From a nap, for a minute or five.
But my wife gives a scream,
Wakes me up from a dream,
Should I try it whenever I drive.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The Honourable Winifred Wemyss
Saw styli and snakes in her dreams.
And these she enjoyed
Until she heard Freud
Say: "Nothing is quite what it seems."
--- Cyril Bibby

In the throes of the happy delusion,
That life is not real but illusion,
I awaken to find
I was out of my mind,
And success is not fate but collusion.
--- Baxter Sperry P0111

A highly strung lady called Weems
Once caught a man in her dreams.
He vanished away
In the cold light of day,
But he left her some peppermint creams.
--- Michael Palin

Though your dreams may seem normal and right,
They bring horrible things to the light.
You can only be sure
That you're perfectly pure,
If you dream about nothing all night.
--- J C B Date

At the Villa Dementia, the sleepers
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers.
It beats all night long
A dirge on a gong,
As it staggers about in the creepers.
--- Edward Gorey

On TV there's been so much pap,
(And cricket again has been crap),
So one just cannot beat
After plenty to eat,
A relaxing postprandial nap.
--- Peter Wilkins

A pious young maiden named Dexter,
Prayed so long that is damn near desexed 'er.
Yet, though she prayed hard,
Her mind, when off guard,
Churned up visions that vexed and perplexed 'er.
--- John Ciardi

When nightmares wake you with a scream,
And they make you want to blaspheme;
As soon as they've gone
Before passing them on,
Make sure you re-wind your old dreams.
--- David Miller


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