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To a lad, an old maid name of Schust, A man that we'll call Mr. Little, There was an old fellow named Bertie, The bearded old whore of Woodhaven, There was a young lady all-fired -- A hard-up young fellow named Hood He looked at her twat with a spasm, There was a young man from Florida, To a hoary old hooker, Hank Howe, The auto mechanic was straining There was a young fellow named Howe Ronald thought that Ms. Thatcher was fit Entrenched in grave darkness, it lies; To hardships the doctor's enured; A lady whose head spun and whirled, She looked terribly fragile and small, A dirty old woman named Pat At the office a clerk name of Jean There once was a goon from Sheepshit A indescreet fellow named Manion There was a young fellow named Burl The State Meat Inspector named Pete She looked quite a lot like a locust, On his bride a young fellow named Gene When I saw her walk in the buff, There was a young man from Weehauken A photographer once took a shot A Dutchman, concerned, named Vandyke, They still talk of the virgin, Tom Bell, My mother lay there in great strain; A Lancashire hooker named Lunt Jo Mary, a girl who's from Eccles; A young man with a tone of assurance The girl that was dating young Max "I don't like the look of your thatch, There's an ungly old matron, Miss Bliss, This monstrous intergalactic There once was a creature from space, A lumpy green amorph named Schlock, Mary Jane is a lady from Mars; She came with her paramour Rock They gave peep shows for profit and fun Some callers to Art Bell are weird; There was a young scoundrel called Ace, He told her his name was Chester Said a student from far-off Reticulum: E.T.'s craft came down out of heaven; Of aliens, I thought I had proof I met an alien from Venus, I once met this little green man, While scanning one night into space, (what is a MMIC - SETI should know better)
"Take this," said an alien from space, (apace - quickly)
Word came once from a planet called Goop; They say that a girl named Maizie My eyes are deceiving me now There was an alien from outer space, I hope that I never again I still may be stuck in November; I gaze at the star-sprinkled sky, Though the aliens plead and beseech, No A.L.F. take his hooch on the rocks, (alien life form) A gorgeous and shapely young alien, There now lives a man in Perth Past intergalactic contactors, The ticket said "One Way to Yuggoth" There's a season in Neptune's affairs
Was exposing her twat and her bust.
But he said, "Hide your tits,
For they give me the shits,
And your cunt is beginning to rust."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0602
Whose wife's pussy, he did love to diddle.
He said with a screech,
"It looked like a peach,
Now a cowpie with track up the middle."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who said as he diddled Miss Gertie,
"I must make a confession,
I've not seen a depression
Of this magnitude since 1930."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0400
Was ugly and crude and unshaven.
And she peddled her hole
Just to miners of coal,
For her pussy was black as a raven.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2395
To be a great whore she aspired.
But her crotch was perfidious,
And so gruesome and hideous,
That men dextrous bogged down and got mired.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1427
Once took an old whore to the wood.
He remarked, so forlorn,
"It is festered and worn,
And it smells pretty bad, but it's good."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2981
And went into a fearful orgasm.
She said that her slot
In beauty was wrought,
But he thought it was more like a chasm.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0621
Who coveted a girl and he borrowed her.
When she open her thighs,
He exclaimed in surprise,
"Why, that's not a cunt; it's a corridor."
--- L0160
Said, on seeing her there, "M'am, I vow
You got the wrong shipment
Of sexing equipment,
For your'n was sure built for a cow!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 641
In bed with a lady named Blaining.
He examined her snatch
And he said with dispatch,
"I believe that your crankcase needs draining."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0624
Whose girl had a cunt like a sow.
When he looked at this well,
His erected cock fell
Like the turd from the ass of a cow.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0474
To take into bed for a bit.
Though in Concord one day
He soon found in dismay
What he faced was a dangerous split.
--- Albin Chaplin
You scan around, burning your eyes.
Don't fall in the pit,
Searching for some wit
Amidst this satirical disguise.
He stands before patients assured.
Not one does suspect
His illness abject --
One look at a cunt and he's cured.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1852
Her snatch to her lover unfurled.
He stood back in great fright,
And cried, "God, what a sight!
I have just seen the end of the world."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0641
As she stood with her back to the wall.
But she opened her sluices,
And let out her juices,
And bloody near flooded the hall!
--- G0761
Would cover her twat with a hat.
For a dollar or two
She'd show it to you,
But who'd want to pay to see that?
--- Bob Birch P0507
Plumped her snatch on the copy machine.
Said her boss, "I do vow,
It looks much like a cow;
Half size makes a much better scene."
--- Al Chaplin P0302
Who proved to be only a half-wit.
His girlfriend he bumped,
And seeing her cunt,
"My God," he cried, "I've cracked it!"
--- G0450
Had picked up a strolling companion.
He went to her apartment
And viewed her compartment,
And he cried, "I have seen the Grand Canyon!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0532
Who married an African girl.
Although she had a hole
Which was blacker than coal,
To a Negro it looked like a pearl.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1979
Worked evenings for Madam Lafitte,
Where he checked every twat
For decay and for rot,
And he passed on each customer's meat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1628
And her eyes appeared clearly unfocused.
And I will assert
When she lifted her skirt
You could count all the zits on her tokus.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Saw the very first cunt he had seen.
He could not comprehend
How to start or to end,
Nor what things he should do in between.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2969
She had a clean edge to her muff.
It looked quite impure;
So I just wasn't sure
It was wise to inject in that stuff.
--- Anon
Whose manly girth kept the girls squawkin'.
He met more that his match
In a cavernous black snatch,
And now his manhood's prone to balkin'.
--- Bruce Thompson
Of a mole on his landlady's twat.
He printed it big,
So it looked like a MIG
Firing down to a bottomless slot.
--- ROE
Observed an old maid on her bike.
As she stopped for a pee,
And he cried, knowingly,
"Oh my God, we must plug up the dyke!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0635
Who had asked Maggie Mae for a smell.
But what greeted his eyes,
As she parted her thighs,
Made him run like a bat out of hell.
--- Frank Sfa
She bore me, it gave me great pain.
I looked at that tunnel,
That sure was no fun. Hell,
I'm not going up there again.
--- Anon
Had a clever promotional stunt.
When the air was so foul
You could not see at all,
She burned a red flare in her cunt.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
A shag with her costs fifty shekels.
For though she was pretty,
It was a great pity
That her muff was all scabs and freckles.
--- Anon
Made a date with a girl of allurance.
As he parted her hair
He exclaimed in despair,
"But I do not have sinkhole insurance!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2937
This is file bcl
Proceeded to take off her slacks.
He said, somewhat blunt,
"It looks like your cunt
Was made by the slash of an ax."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0533
Although I could do with a scratch;
But dammit my pants
Are advancing. A chance
I shall just have to take with your snatch."
--- Anon
Who's desperately wanting a piss.
She straddles her feet
'Cross the drain, gives our Pete
An eyeful he'd much rather miss.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Man wearing a green prophylactic,
Claimed he was a Wiz --
The truth is that his
Performance was anticlimactic.
--- Marlene Lewis
Who had arse where he should have had face.
An eye was an ear,
Balls hung from the rear,
But his willy was in the right place.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Ate a plasgun the size of a rock.
With a belch from his tum,
And an ominous hum,
He loved to give bad guys a shock.
--- Anon
Came to Earth on a ship from the stars.
But she couldn't blend in
Nor conceal where she'd been,
'Cause she needed three cups on her bras.
--- Parker Waterman P0108
Who wore a size 17 sock.
But what made him unique,
Some might say a freak,
Was his need for a four chambered jock.
--- Parker Waterman P0108
And Guiness's listing they've won
Mary Jane has been billed
As man's wishes fulfilled,
And he's billed as pawn shop plus one.
--- Parker Waterman P0108
Some funny, some crazy, some feared.
Conspiracies abound,
And most are unsound,
Like those where the aliens appeared...
--- RenWa
Whose nose was all over his face.
Whenever he blew it, (When he blew this beauty)
It played, "How d'ya do it" (It played 'Howdy Doody',)
And contacted life forms in space.
--- Stene Svensson
And said he wouldn't molest her.
In Cassiopia
He'd sing Ave Maria,
For his job as head court jester.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
(Dismayed by their crazy curriculum)
"They teach UFOs, Phi,
And a rational Pi --
I hear Asimov's set to ridicule 'em!"
--- James Randi P8211
At night, it was half past eleven.
When I saw him get out,
I said with a shout,
"You look like NGC-457!"
--- Tom Campbell
When a UFO lit on my roof.
But they told me their plan
Was to rid Earth of Man --
And the next thing I knew, I went POOF!
--- Eydol
Who had an incredible penis.
When I touched it, it glowed
And began to explode,
All over and all in between us.
--- Anon
Not quite half as tall as I am.
It struck me as sick
When he picked up my dick
And said, "Fill up this 5 gallon can."
--- Fgo
I espied an echoey trace.
My microwave MMIC's
Thus silenced the cynics,
Who may yet see an alien race.
--- Neil Wyman
And gave me ten warps in a case.
"It's a gift from the moon,
Where I found it at noon.
One suspects it was left there apace.
--- Mike O'Conner
It sent out a small ship for our group.
They would learn our strange ways,
But what Goop failed to say,
Was that Goop from our group would make soup.
--- Karen A Romanko
Saw a UFO and went crazy,
When a little green man,
Got into her van.
The rest of her story is hazy.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
My Captain, he stands in the prow.
His ship has returned
The aliens spurned -
And soon he will fart like a cow!
--- Anon
Who came to join the human race.
It searched the scenery
For the greenery,
But of it, it found not a trace!
--- Art Hur
Cross paths with those little gren men.
The made me disrobe
And then gave me the probe.
Would they thus have treated John Glenn?
--- Phil T
I'm on Mars, not on Earth, just remember.
Our calendar's Dorian,
Twice as long as Gregorian,
Means we're just coming up on December.
--- Friar TP9802
And ask, "Is there one such as I
In an alien place,
Staring off into space,
Searching with strange wistful sigh?"
--- Lissa McCollum
There are things you must keep out of reach.
No, not alcohol --
It has no clout at all --
But watch out when they get into bleach.
--- John Miller 0350
And water, he feels the grog shocks.
When he orders himself,
He goes straight for "Top Shelf",
Drinking eighteen year old neat Clorox.
--- Irish
Who was quite beyond question mammalian,
Once slipped on a stair
And fell through the air,
And her proof of it stuck in the railien.
--- G2567
Who had a very strange birth.
His ears kept on growing;
His eyes are both glowing.
Could it be that he's not of this Earth?
--- Anon
While still quite significant factors
In theories Un-Daniken,
Though off-again on-again,
Turned out to be modern contractors.
--- Paul Niquette
And the pilot was a big purple moth.
My brain, out of place,
Was put it in a case;
They screamed awhile and took off.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When the lovers get frozen in pairs.
Though the sunshine's appealin'
Towards perihelion,
It's for Winter they all say their prayers.
--- Brian Aldiss G2594
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