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Three elderly spinsters of Kent, Herr Offenbach's lusty young frau Her frustration was so hard to handle She squatted while diddling her clit; A butcher, a baker, a candle- There was a young lady named Randall, A boarding-school lassie named Randle There was a young virgin of Perth, Old Mary, it seems, had a yen There was a young woman of Croft, Her lesson was soon to be learned, A singed pussy smell make me rank; There was a young lady of Thyme, I know an old maid name of Randall I don't use a candle for THAT! With her maidenhead gone with the wind, A simple young lady named Randall There was an old woman named Reilly, In the Convent of St. Valentine There was a young girl whose divinity, With her maidenhead gone with the wind, The nice girls, they say, love a candle, There was a young lady name Mandel, A shy bride admitted to Crandall, The actions of one Rosie Randall The power went out at ten four; There was an old woman of Filey There was a young lady from Nyer, Two dykes from the far Adriatic, A deli-buff spinster named Mellish, A fisherman in medieval Nice, Said the man-hater, buying baloney: A butcher first-class named of Hearst, In their garden, they planted zucchinis, An old maid on tour in Cremona A carnal old bag in Pomona, A luscious young gal in Corona A well-hung ice skater named Tony Betty-Sue's masturbational style A meat packing plant out in Natchez There once was a woman named Inger, In the war, with their men in the army, A venturesome virgin, Miss Pruitt, There once was an excort named Sy, In a meat packing plant, butcher Pete Another Scotswoman, I've heard, A pubescent young lady of Hearst Asked by the girl to fellate her, A romantic old maid in Pomona (mona - Italian slang for cunt)
There was a young lady named Banks I know a young lady named Milly Said the butcher's apprentice, Miss Banks, There was an old butcher out East There was a young lady named Schink 'Cause the girls found no joys in her lap, When I visit the bright city lights, There once was a whore from Miami A madam in town named Maloney A hot little night nurse named Hearst, There once was a lover called Neeky There was a young lad from Kent, There once was a schoolgirl named Jeanie, A busty young woman named Durst Another young woman of Croft, I once knew a clever young bitch, Forgive me for adding this chapter,
Gave up copulation for Lent.
This included door handles,
Both tapers and candles,
And anything else that was bent.
--- G2150
Is such a lascivious cow;
The butcher and baker
With candlesticks make her,
Though I'm not sure I understand how.
--- Michael Horgan
And she thought diddling no real scandal.
But her fingers went numb
And she still hadn't come,
So she opted to try out a candle.
--- Anon
Embedding it deep in her slit.
But she got so excited,
The candle ignited
And singed her caboodle and kit.
--- Anon
Stick maker all wooed Mrs Randall.
The butcher had meat
And the baker was sweet,
But 'twas candles she wanted to handle.
--- Anon
Who thought it beneath her to handle
A young fellow's pole,
So instead, her hot hole
She contented by means of a candle.
--- L1328
Used to frig herself with a candle.
One day in the gym,
It shot from her quim,
Which started a very grave scandal.
--- G2108a
Swore she'd do it for no one on earth.
Yet she fell without scandal
To a red Christmas candle
And was always less choosey henceforth.
--- L0885
To play with a candle, not men.
She'll be raised to the Trinity
By the blessed Divinity,
If she shows she can do it again.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2407
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles,
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which, they did not go soft.
--- L1257
As atop a candle she churned.
She slipped in and out
Then she let out a shout;
When she looked and her snatch was all burned.
--- Joe Long
'Twill be mouldy and smelly and dank.
Since burnt stubble and hair
Is all I'll find there,
I'd better just stick to a wank.
--- Steve
Who swore she'd hold out for all time.
So she stifled the crave
For a cock in her nave,
And insisted the candle was fine.
--- L1354
Accused of the following scandal:
Ever longer of tooth,
She bewailed her lost youth,
And punctured her twat with a candle.
--- Armand E Singer 296
It's waxy and slender and flat.
It'd melt and get gooey
The idea is screwy!
You'd best put it back in your hat.
--- Anon
Cried a happy ex-virgin named Lind,
"I just love Nature's plan
Of equipping a man,
For his thing has a damn candle skinned!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 106 G2231
Could not find a man with a handle.
So she played a game shallow
With a short piece of tallow,
But this game, it was not worth the dandle.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1893
Who valued old candle ends highly.
When nothing was doing,
She used them for screwing,
"It's wicked to waste," she said dryly.
--- G2122
After dark all the nuns lie supine
With their hearts fast arace
For says Mother St. Grace
Lights out at eight and candles by nine.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8905
Preserved her in perfect virginity.
'Til a candle, her nemesis,
Caused parthenogenesis,
Now she thinks herself one of the Trinity.
--- L0923
Cried a happy ex-virgin named Lynd:
"It makes me quite sick
To have missed all that prick --
That thing has a darn candle skinned!"
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Whenever they've no man to handle.
But that Roman kind
May well blow their mind(?),
Or anyway, scorch their fandangle.
--- Anon
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal,
By coming out bare
In the main village square,
And frigging herself with a candle.
--- L1302
That for years she'd worked off with a candle;
But a cock like his dick
Gave her ten times the kick,
Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!
--- G0046
Became this past season's worst scandal:
Dancing drunk in the street,
She stripped down to her feet,
And jacked herself off with a candle.
--- Armand E Singer 799
The girls at St. Paul's were quite sore.
Vibrators were still,
And Marge said, kind of shrill,
"Use your candle; it's in the top drawer."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who valued old candle-ends highly.
When no one was looking
She'd use them for cooking --
"It's wicked to waste, she said, dryly.
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Who, in her extreme desire,
In lieu of man's handle,
Had played with a candle,
And set her vagina on fire.
--- G2176
Decided to be more pragmatic,
Having switched from mere handling
To mutual candling -
The result is they're waxing ecstatic.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Bought substitute meats she'd embellish;
And once, hardly flustered,
When fresh out of mustard,
She got off on a hotdog with relish!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Was instantly ordered to cease,
His naughty deception,
When, during inspection,
They found a real cod in his piece.
--- Anon
"Of course, it is only a phoney.
But with self-service sex,
I get better effects
Than poor women trapped in matrimony!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 760 G2081
In slicing fine steaks was well-versed.
But many a crony
Preferred his balony,
While some said his best was his wurst.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2104
This is file awm
These bosomy, nubile wahines.
The seeds didn't sprout,
Because of the drought.
Now, instead, they employ two big weenies.
--- Al Willis P9809
Found just the right size of bologna
To afford her a night
Of self-service delight
Before leaving next day for Verona.
--- Grand Prix Lim 169
Just wearing a flowered kimona,
In a manner psychotic
And autoerotic,
Jabbed herself with a stick of bologna.
--- Larry Wilde
Remarked as she bought a bologna,
"It's as big as a whale...
Just right for my tail,
So I think I will call the thing 'Jonah'."
--- Grand Prix Lim 991
Was exposed as a sexual phony.
He slipped and was downed.
On checking they found
That his schlock was just a baloney.
--- Number Two P9009
Is distinguished by a Frenchified guile:
She uses a wiener,
It's safer and cleaner,
She's become a confirmed Frankophile!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Sold hot dogs in increasing batches.
Though small, they would rise
And would double in size
When stuffed in the counter girls' snatches.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1280
Whose best friend was her index finger.
A finger's a digit,
With which she could fidgit,
But the smell of dead fish, it did linger.
--- Lee Geelong
The women were all going barmy.
Alas, that was that;
They could not feed their twat,
Until some one imported Salami!
--- Anon
Once sculpted a penis of suet;
Then she flipped and she flopped,
But remarked when she stopped,
"I hope that's not all there is to it!"
--- Norm Storer
Whose company ladies would buy.
But they found that his trick,
Was not a big dick,
But a knackwurst he taped to his thigh.
--- Anon
Implemented a savings plan neat.
After sucking a prick
An idea came quick --
And hot dogs he made with less meat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1288
Thinks sex is both dumb and absurd.
She's tried Tacos and Jacks,
Burger Kings and Big Macs,
But a hot dog is what she's preferred.
--- Ken Rose
Had a passion for firm liverwurst,
Which at least was as good
As the laggards who would
Enter only as far as they durst.
--- Keith MacMillan 73b
He went out to buy a vibrator.
Not plastic and pink,
As you probably think,
'Twas made from the hide of a 'gator.
--- Audrey
Makes an odd nightly use of bologna.
With a simpering grin
She slips it way in,
While her old phonograph plays "Ramona!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 625 G2187
Who said to her man, "Hold your pranks.
Before getting to bed,
It has come to my head,
I've forgotten to purchase some franks."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0389
Who prefers a penis that's chilly.
The dildo that is frozen
Is one that gets chosen;
With this, she whacks off till she's silly!
--- Sam Pittman TP9804
To the butcher, "Enough of your pranks.
As a fucker you're fair,
But you cannot compare
To a package of Premium Franks."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1831a
Who cut off men's peckers deceased.
They were tied with fine braids
And sold to old maids;
It's amazing how business increased.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1258
With a crotch like the drain of the sink.
She was fucked by young Ned
With a loaf of rye bread,
And an oversize pork sausage link.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0598
She chopped off her big brother's tap.
At his death, not repenting,
But fixed by cementing,
She wore it in place with a strap.
--- L1286
I stuff SPAM down the front of my tights,
In the hope that the codpiece
Will get me the odd piece
To help through the long lonely nights.
--- Barrie Collins
Whose cunt was so big and so clammy,
After finishing her trick
With a John with small dick,
Said, "How I wish for a stick of salami!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Taught new whores how to fuck with baloney.
She said, "That's the way,
But of course, in a lay,
You get poked with a prick, not a phoney."
--- G2167
Got off with a bratwurst at first;
But her pleasure now lies
In a non-deli guise,
As the interns take turns for the Wurst.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Who poked at his babe with his beaky.
She said, "It's no fiction;
I'm fond of the friction.
Compared to your wang it's more squeaky."
--- Anon
Whose nose was so long that it bent.
The women did shy him,
But now they all buy him,
Playing "hide the nose in the vent."
--- Mike
Who diddled herself with a weenie.
She tried a salami
And heard from her mommy,
"Vegetarians should use a zucchini!"
--- David Miller
In exciting herself is well versed.
She snickered, "I've tried
Sundry objects, inside,
And I find that I hate weeny worst.
--- Grand Prix Lim 442
Amusing herself in the loft,
"A salami or wurst
Is what I should choose first--
With bologna, you know you've been boffed."
--- L1258
Who owned a self-frigger and which,
She would use with delight
Far into the night,
Twenty bucks--Abercrombie & Fitch.
--- L1245
But using my plug really sapped her.
She gave quite a dose
Now I won't go too close
Unless I first fit my Adaptor.
--- SFA
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