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A bugger invented some dildoes, A lusty young lass from Toledo A trike is a very poor dildo; Marge bought a used dildo one day, A shady young lady of Vernon There was a young maid from Vancouver, The size of Sue's clit is obscene; I've heard of this practice, I think; I want my clit polished and shined, I seem to remember a song, A distraught homosexual named Jill At a party last night I met Grace As I danced with the adorable chick, So quickly, I asked her a question; A eunuch who lusted for ass The widow of Baron van Rasting Once a eunuch, a fellow quite neuter, There was and old man of Dundee, A patrolman on Interstate Five For a phallus, Miss Winifred Stead, A shapely young lass with a very big ass There was a young girl from New York An old nymphomaniac's lust The rich old man's drive has abated. There once was a man named Brian Although his joint does look odd There's problems with an iron cock, Sometimes his life is frenetic, Penile replacements are neat The older male should be discrete They should come in all kinds of colors, There was a young lady named Hopper, A lady who lived in St John's You can't take it with you, they say, There was a thin lady from Hungary There once was a gal from North Eire, Such discovery might bring on some ire, She satisfied needs which were dire, There was a young lady named Rackstraw, "To guarantee hard-ons," says Wiel, Paula Pillock paid pillows of pounds Oh baby it's gonna be great, In 'Bama the chicks love fresh collards Now the thing that makes this so great, My girlfriend is only a wee thing Theresa, the subject of scandals, Invented by the devil's spawn, I know a young woman named Jones Now, girls, if your sweetheart's a louse, As my brain, through the rhyme theme, went thumbing, (Energizer Bunny keeps going and going in the ads - McW)
A Lesbian on a divan, While cuddled up under a blanket, Gladys, I'm sad to report, The latest vibrating device, A nympho named Suzie, from Ower, My vibrator battery's dying.. "Oh Debbie, whatever's the mattery?" Those plastic vibrators just might "Ah! I understand now," as he read, When pudendal friction's required, It seems you are not 'thusiastic I am off to find someone to cater The lady so dear to my heart My vibrator's high-powered and fast; A vibrator's a good product indeed, A vibrator may come in handy,
Designed to incite bugger thrill-shows.
The tip had three rotors,
The aft had three motors,
To which were attached little twill-bows.
--- H Welchel
Encountered a wayward torpedo,
Which she started to screw,
Then it went off and blew
A bloody great hole where she peed-o.
--- Michael Horgan
With three wheels it barely will do.
An old baseball bat
Is better than that,
But firstly get rid of the mildew.
--- Archie
From Sister Annette, who was gay.
It had ninety notches,
And smelled of nun's crotches,
And would turn itself on when you'd pray.
--- Mark Levy P9312a
Reposed her voluptuous stern on
A pneumatic drill
And, with consummate skill,
She discovered the ultimate turn on.
--- Hugh Oliver A028B
Who found an odd use for her Hoover.
It hadn't much style,
But it made the girl's smile
So famous, it hangs in the Louvre.
--- John E Mayhood P0011
Her dildo? -- the largest I've seen!
For heavy vibration,
Sue gets the sensation
By straddling her washing machine!
--- Travis Brasell
She'd sit her ass on it and wink.
When starting to spin,
She'd stick her clit in.
That's how Susan stayed in the pink.
--- Dudeshead
Yet appliances I'm disinclined.
With a bit of dumb luck,
I will find me a buck
Who can lick, stick, and give a good grind.
--- Goin2later
'Bout a woman in need of a dong,
Who would do things obscene
With her washing machine --
When Amana Loves A Woman. Am I wrong?
--- Scott
Once went down on a pneumatic drill;
"O, may heaven protect me!
This rough tonsilectomy
Beats the chill thrill of whipping poor Will!"
--- Guy Wernham P9306
With a lovely smile on her face.
'Twas not that, I should mention,
That drew my attention;
She moved with a very odd pace.
--- Anon
I heard a sound, clickety-click.
Though the hormones were active
It was pretty distractive,
But they were not my balls 'gainst my dick.
--- Anon
Quick the answer came -- to my perplexion --
You hear my pleasure balls
Loved by all of us gals;
And she spoke of them with much affection.
--- Anon
Made him a dong out of brass.
Two balls made of gold
Were a sight to behold,
And oil was injected by gas.
--- G2076
Disclosed her devotion long lasting:
"For a time I was sick
As I missed his big prick,
But not now, since I made a bronze casting."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0588
Bought a mechanized penis of pewter.
With a smile on his face,
He would strap it in place:
"Did someone here call Roto-Rooter?"
--- Norm Storer
Who came home as drunk as could be.
He wound up the clock
With the end of his cock,
And buggared his wife with the key.
--- Norman Douglas L0291
Whose tool was no longer alive
Deceived his dumb spouse
Every time they'd carouse
With the aid of his Colt forty-five.
--- Arthur Deex P9401
Used a bar from the foot of the bed.
But lacking the touch
Of blacksmiths and such,
Kept her ever from forging ahead.
--- Anon
Had a dildo made out of the very best brass.
She had little instruction
In its use or construction,
And her friends mostly thought it quite crass.
--- G2078
Who got all her fun with a fork.
She said, "It won't beat
Six inches of meat,
But why be scared of the stork?"
--- G2173
Was for iron bolts covered with rust.
One day in a passion
She exceeded her ration,
Gave birth to a shipwreck, and bust!
--- G2160
Yet his young wife demands to be sated.
But the problem is solved;
Of guilt he's absolved;
The dildo he gave her's gold plated.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305
Who had a fight with a lion.
The lion's fang
Dispensed with his whang;
He now wears prosthesis of iron.
--- Puff Adder
And keeps him permanently hard,
If not used enough,
It starts in to rust
And it acts like a lightning rod.
--- Puff Adder
Aside from electrical shock.
Women, I'm told,
Say it feels much too cold,
And your dick wears holes in your jock.
--- Puff Adder
As objects become kinetic.
Many an eye
Has noticed his fly
Adorned with things magnetic.
--- Puff Adder
When some can reach down to your feet!
But one should avoid
Those with metal alloyed...
Choose a texture that's closer to meat.
--- Frank Fazed
When chosing the best way to treat
That failing erector.
Some metal detector
Will notice the iron, then go "BLEEET!"
--- Frank Fazed
With funny shapes -- some like crullers,
That squirt out like jelly
All over my belly;
Some shiny, some smooth, and some dullers.
--- Arden
Owned twelve dozen dildos of copper.
The Army reclaimed them,
You can't really blame them
For branding her hoarding "improper."
--- G2143
Was renowned for her dildo of bronze.
She died by a quirk
That look like fireworks,
When she put it in over her nylons.
--- Robert Elliot
This is file aum
But don't tell promiscuous Faye.
The pine box she was sold
Has a dildo of gold;
So she'd have a perpetual lay!
--- Mark Levy P9402
Who had something pushed up her bungery.
But it wasn't the size
That brought tears to her eyes--
She'd a dildo, that big, of ironmongery.
--- G2145
Who fondled a Middlesex Squire;
'Twas a sausage she seeked,
But then when she peeked,
All she found was a thin copper wire.
--- Perry Nelson
'Cause wire can't put out THAT fire,
But this lady was bright,
And she hooked it up right,
And discovered that 'Sqwires' never tire.
--- Perry Nelson
And learned what it means to inspire;
When she flipped on the light,
His dang thing did ignite!
The inspired Squire's Wire was on Fire!
--- Perry Nelson
Titillated herself with a hack-saw.
As a result of this action
She no longer has traction,
And a penis feels just like a jackstraw.
--- L1327
"A magnet and slivers of steel.
Attach steel to end
Of penis (Pat. Pend.):
The magnet the blood will congeal."
--- Irving Superior P9304
For a peter of pewter, no doubt.
For while pounding the peter,
Her ponderous meter
Cause the pewter to plumb peter out.
--- California Marty
But please let me set something straight:
Pine's plated with steel;
That's more than a meal,
When Woody and you conjugate.
--- Anon
And cornbread and dancin' at Pollard's;
But each Saturday night,
They do it up right --
They squat on the docks on the bollards.
--- Travis Brasell
Is that if her boyfriend runs late,
She's AC-DC;
So it's really quite easy
To start in without her date.
--- Anon
But with lust she is constantly seething;
When I bought a vibrator
To try to placate her,
The bloody thing knocked her front teeth in.
--- Michael Horgan
Used to use unscented candles,
But now thinks it's nice
To use a device
With batteries, buzzers, and handles.
--- Mac
A tool that makes men yawn.
Even guys with some class
Will be out on their ass,
When vibrators can mow the lawn.
--- Frank Fazed a
Who loves having sex with cell phones.
Turns the vibrate full blast
And shoves phone up her ass,
Then calls herself, 'midst moans and groans.
--- Anon
You can chase him right out of the house.
Then enjoy your Ronco (TM)
Toy (built like a bronco),
Twelve ways at the click of a mouse.
--- Anon
It occurred, though the concept is numbing;
"Energizers inserted,
Backwards--perverted,
Causing her to keep coming and coming.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9603
Her favorite vibrator in hand,
Said 'twixt the moaning
And buzzing and groaning:
"I'm coming as quick as I can!"
--- JT
She murmured quite softly, "Dear Frank, it
Was quite with dismay
To find you were gay.
Pass me my vibrator and crank it."
--- H Myers T9712
Her debut at this time must abort.
She looks like Don King.
It's not her fault, poor thing.
Her vibrator developed a short!
--- John K Roberts P9302 a
For girls, adds a little more spice;
When thrust in the moister
Warms depths of an oyster,
It doubles its speed in a trice.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who fancies a fuck every hour,
Has worn out the boys,
So now she employs
Machines with electrical power.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is a bummer, I'm not denying.
It gives me a lift,
Such an erogenous gift,
That I simply find ELECTRIFYING!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"Oh Pete, it's this Duracell? battery;
I'm saddened because
My vibrator won't buzz."
"Would it help to regard it with flattery?"
--- Anon
Be for blind dates who turn out a fright.
When you find she's a pill, go
And hand her the dildo,
And say, "Here's your late date. Goodnight."
--- Theo M Heller P9304
"It's something you use in a bed
While prone on your back,
To vibrate your crack.
Oh dear. Forget what I said."
--- Anon
But the lass, at the moment's, unsquired,
Be sure to make use
Of D cells with some juice,
Or opt for a wand that's hard wired.
--- Tjarda Van Den Berg
For romps with me, orgiastic.
No sleep will I lose
If you want to use
That vibrating thing made of plastic.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To my sexul needs, maybe greater
Than your need to see
That shit on TV.
When YOU need sex, grab your vibrator.
--- Spinner
Had a vibrator that had a kick start.
It would diddle my bride
So vigorously inside,
Every time she came, she would fart!
--- MrMalo
All the night long it can last.
When my honey's pump
Goes into a slump,
And hangs itself down at half-mast.
--- Arden
For there is many a housewife in need.
Hell, I'll do some knocking,
And though it seem shocking,
For this company, I'll plant the seed.
--- Rodney Williams
When you're alone and feeling randy-
When it starts to hum,
It can make you......uhm,hmmm-
In a pinch, it'll do fine and dandy !!!!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
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