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A buttocky beauty named Bella, 'Tis true that my phallic reliance I ask my lovely her opinion There was an old lady named Clarke, Miss Fern did attach to the churn A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, A maimed engineer from New York An amputee veteran named York There was an old cripple named Hutch Petunia, the prude of Mount Hood, Old Paul don't give no satisfaction; There was a young girl named Coleen (Mister Clean - a commercial cleaning solution)
There was a young lady from Dallas, In many a folk song, one sees, What follows is one such farrago, I once went to sea in a frigate, Now orders they must be obeyed, There he made me grab hold of his hawser, The sod only wanted a wank, He yelled "Hey, your mizzen mast's mizzen. He made me a dick, artificial, At last in the port of Genoa, And so I've lived up till today; There was an old gal from LA A spinster physician named Spock, An old veteran whose name it was Frump, Quite ingenious was that old vet Frump, A thoughtful Girl Scout, Joyce Marie, The impotent Bishop of Bilbo A famous young lad, Jason Vickery There once was a fellow named Hecker A siphoned-off fellow named Brammer A one-legged pirate's wife, randy, The wife of young sea-captain Gray, There was a young fellow named Hunt, There was a young lady of Diss, I know how you feel about that! There was a young girl named Tropp There was a woman from Khartoum, There was an old man of Shamokin, An active young girl in the church There once was a German, Herr Stein, A lascivious lady of Raleigh, A policeman from Lewisham junction, She married old Mr. Golightly But Mr. Golightly weren't daft; Young Simon was ogling Yvette, There once was a lady from Seoul, A lesbian lady named Annie A feeble old fellow named Kregg There was an old maid named McComb, A lady whose name was Babette, The mistress of General Bonaparte She made a thing of soft leather, A eunuch frequenting Bangkok, There was a young girl from the five-and-ten, A French pastry baker in Broule There was a young lady from Munich, The black hair that covers Kay's pubes, There's a certain erotic old bum, I asked this gay fellow, James, A lesbian girl from Bordeaux, Dildoes are touchy at best, The respected designer, Bill Blass, A gal whose particular vice (Leopold Fechtner collection)
"No bananas," she said with a sigh,
Went out for a ride with a fella.
They returned from the ride
With nothing outside,
But the knob on the fella's umbrella.
--- Conrad Aiken P0411
Has met with some female defiance.
I'll take your advice
About treating them nice,
And use my appliance of science.
--- Anon
On what finger she rubs her quimmy on.
She said when romancy,
What tickles her fancy
Best is the constable's truncheon.
--- Anon
Most surely a maiden of mark.
She made her fat womb stick
Astride a broomstick--
And ho! for a lark in the dark.
--- A Crowley G2106
A dildo, and started to turn.
The cream turned to butter
With nary an flutter;
When the butter was made, so was Fern.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1841
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
She had nowhere to turn,
So she diddled the churn,
And managed to come with the butter.
--- L1350
Was furnished a prick made of cork.
Inserted, it cracked
And totally lacked
The requisite tension and torque.
--- Armand E Singer 74
Was issued a penis of cork.
Though the shape was okay,
When he started to lay,
They had to develop more torque.
--- Armand E Singer 74A
Whose lovemaking, girls found too much!
He'd stand on a chair,
Hold them by the hair,
And do the poor things with his crutch.
--- Ogden Nield
Devised an odd object of wood,
Which, employed on hot nights,
Gave her carnal delights
Far beyond what the average man could.
--- Grand Prix Lim 610 G2170
I stroke him and get no reaction.
It may be abuse,
But I have to use
My false leg when I want some action.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who had almost no self-esteem.
She went down to the copse,
And she screwed fifteen mops,
Just to say she had fucked Mister Clean.
--- Anon
Whose conduct in coitus was callous.
But this stopped on the night
When her man, out of spite,
Used a fireman's axe for a phallus.
--- G0557
The ludicrous theme, if you please,
Of cross-dressing girls,
Having cut off their curls,
To search for their love overseas.
--- Anon
Where she's crept on the ship with the cargo.
Here in her own words
Is the tale, quite absurd,
As related to me by young Margot.
--- Anon
With the captain I soon was a big hit,
He said "Come to my cabin,
Much fun we'll be havin'
When you see the size of my spigot."
--- Anon
With no chance that they'd be belayed,
So I went very nervous,
To this perverted service,
Still hoping I wouldn't get laid.
--- Anon
While talking the while in terms coarser,
Than I'd e'er heard before
In my life on the shore,
And then started quoting from Chaucer.
--- Anon
For which I did truly give thanks,
As a poor cabin boy,
I was just his sex toy...
Then he told me to strip, my heart sank.
--- Anon
This sure is so strange, so lad lizzen,
Go see seaman Stains
And he'll take great pains,
To make you a tool for your pizzen."
--- Anon
Which turned out to be beneficial,
Pleasing many officials
Maritime and judicial,
As I satisfied their every wishial.
--- Anon
I found my love, with an old whoa.
I called him a shit,
Cut off his bowsprit,
And sailed on my warship once moa.
--- Anon
My clients I'll serve either way.
So where's your cash?
Then I'll give you a flash,
Of my wonderful wooden jack-stay.
--- Anon
Who bloody well loved to play.
She found a large stick,
Carved on it a dick,
And diddled herself every day.
--- Sam
Carves wood in the shape of a cock.
Which is why it is said,
That at nighttime in bed,
She's a hickory, dickery doc.
--- Playboy Mag Jim Weaver
Had a leg that was naught but a stump.
With a lass in a loft,
His penis went soft;
With the stump he finished the hump.
--- Puff Adder
When his cock went from log to a lump.
Was the loft filled with hay
While consumating this lay?
If not, it'd be rough on the rump.
--- S C Saint
Saw her troop leader fucking a tree.
"I think I'd be anxious
About some of the branches.
Still, I wish it would do it to me.
--- Anon
Used his walking stick as a dildo.
His gal, with a grunt,
Took it all up her cunt--
Her sex life was utterly killed though.
--- G2675
Was oft accused of some trickery.
He once told a lass
With a glass on her ass,
That his dick was made out of old hickory!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who proffered a prosthetic pecker.
It was fashioned from oak,
And it stiffened his stroke,
But his wife was afraid it would wreck her.
--- Haskel Bazell
Said, "My wife is a nympholept, damn her!
When she's worn out my handle
She manhandles a candle,
And the handle, sometimes, of my hammer!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 826
Saw her man was the worse for the shandy.
Not wanting to beg,
She used his peg-leg;
He watched and said, "Blimey, that's handy!"
--- Anon
This is file asm
Deprived of her absent mate's lay,
Found a dildo of wood
Was almost as good.
So she's happily pining away.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Who was punting his girl in a punt.
When she said, "On the whole,
While you're wielding that pole,
I'd prefer you avoided my front."
--- Anon
Who went to the river to piss.
The men in the punt
Shoved a pole up her cunt,
And gave her most exquisite bliss.
--- G0037
Although my cock's long, firm, and fat,
And my babe treats me well,
I am lazy as hell,
And I'm usually replaced by a bat.
--- H Welchel
Who impaled herself on a mop.
After thrusting away
The better part of a day,
She rolled around in the slop.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
That fucked herself with a broom.
Now when she farts,
Her legs fly apart,
And she shits all over the room.
--- Bobby
Fucked his wife with his wooden leg, oaken.
So quick did he stick her,
Pretending to prick her,
That he soon had her cunt all a-smokin'.
--- L1535
Was sixteen times left in the lurch,
Which is why she would park
In the woods in the dark
And get out and make love to a birch.
--- Neal Wilgus P8302
Whose dick was carved out of white pine.
An electrical storm
Caused the termites to swarm,
And now he is known as Fraulein.
--- David Miller
Much in love with the pole of a trolley,
Had some unorthodox
But sensational shocks
To enliven her sexual folly.
--- Keith MacMillan A090A
Whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his poor wife,
For the rest of her life,
By judicious use of his truncheon.
--- L1314
(At ninety, surprisingly sprightly)
In hopes he would cough
It, and leave her well off
If she bonked him some twenty times nightly.
--- Peter Wilkins
He remembered his carpentry craft.
And he fashioned a todger
Of wood (the old codger)
And laughed as she wore out her aft.
--- Peter Wilkins
All breathless and dripping with sweat.
He watched her sunbathe
While turning his lathe,
To fashion the tool she wood get.
--- SFA
Who wasn't averse to a pole,
{Having first been de-limbed
And all the bark trimmed}
Shoved WAAAAYYYY the fuck up in her hole.
--- Anon
Wished to be less girly, more manny.
So she whittled a pud
Of gnarly old wood,
And let it protrude from her cranny.
--- Archie L1235
Was fucking a whore with one leg.
He could not make the grade
And the whore was dismayed,
So she finished herself with her peg.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1875
Who liked her men tall and handsome.
(She could also make do,
With a finger or two,
At the end of her calloused old thumb.)
--- Clifford Christ G2710
As a dildo once used a courgette.
But it was too narrow,
So she changed to a marrow,
And then to a large French bagette.
--- Donald McGill
From whom he had callously grown apart,
Used a dynamite stick
As a surrogate prick,
Which goddamned near got the girl blown apart.
--- Armand E Singer 86
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
--- L1288
Used to borrow the deified jock,
From a local rain-god,
When he went for a prod.
You could hear the girl yell for a block!
--- L1239
Who diddled herself with a fountain pen.
The top came off,
The ink went wild,
And now she's in bed with a colored child.
--- L0923
Baked goodies the shape of a tool.
Filled with red marmalades,
They were bought by old maids,
Who, while buying a box full, would drool...
--- Grand Prix Lim 422
Who was had in a park by a eunuch.
At the moment of passion,
He shot her a ration
From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic.
--- L1311
Excites us susceptible boobs,
And we shuck out good money
To fuck her do-funny--
She prefers to use greased mailing tubes.
--- G2192
Whom no one can think of as dumb.
At the end of a bout,
When his prick is worn out,
He shifts to the use of his thumb.
--- Isaac Asimov
If inflatable men were his games.
He said that they'll do
When he just wants to screw,
But fake dicks just don't taste the same!
--- H Myer
Kept a two-ended dildo for show.
But the actual one
That she used for fun,
Was Japanese rubber big toe.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Especially applied to a guest.
"I imagined a meal,
Not a long latex eel,"
One huffy invitee confessed.
--- 53-MERC
Has invented a dildo of glass.
But be careful with its use
'Cause with too much self abuseM
You'll have splinters of glass in your ass.
--- Arnie P0110
Was to make herself dildoes of ice
Explained, "While they're chilly
And perhaps somewhat silly,
They cool my device very nice."
--- Grand Prix Lim 733 P8701a
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
"No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
I'll have to go find me a guy."
--- Fran
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