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Down in the dungeon of depression, A hex sent from an evil witch, There was a young lady who felt pretty, Tamoxifen is truly a wonder drug. Where is that drive called LUST? "Your titties have cream," said Sir Lancer, Sighed breast-cancer victim Sue Perse, There was a young smoker named Krantzer The esophagus truly is fickle; My neighbors all think I'm a jerk, A shopper and avid consumer There was an old whore with proficiency, Tumors of pancreas head It's close to the end of my day; So to be or be not is my question; If they're looking at the latest stats, A smoking young man of Tacoma When illness struck wretched old Haver, The blood tests are back," said the doc. A new diagnosis of cancer A well-known recidivist, Jack, Charles, a huge man from Mobile, 'Arthrosis? I've got it! Arthrosis! Said a cardiac patient named Joe, Do heart-bypass ops, which rejunction, My Love lies beside me. I shake her. There was an old fellow from China, The English have hearts make of oak, A cardiac patient named Lutz, Had a blind date with a girl called Nell. I once had a young girl named Julie When the juices of love started flowing, There was a young fellow named Randitt, A cardiac patient named Fred When wanking, his stamina fades, It's not sex that's making him sick, One thing I think deserves mention: As your heart doctor, I recommend Look after your vessels aortic, Folks now eat more chicken and fish, There once was a creature called Jack Oh darling, you've stolen my heart; A chap with a varicose vein, The husband of a girl named Alice In Britain today, things got tough; I know it's a sinus infection. There was an old woman of Honiton, As to cure for the colds and the flu, My cure for the common cold bug The common cold stinks -- it's a curse. When it's down with a cold you've been stricken, Now I've got a code in my nose. An ultra-high thermist at Churchill (Churchill College of Cambridge)
It's a matter of some concern; When a cold strikes, and you're feeling low, The scientist works night and day The mercury dipped below freezing All day long he sat there and hacked, With arrows in hand, we are told Another new cold from my nieces. A promiscuous girl in Cologne My mother says hot lemonade, There was a young fellow named Tunney; I breathe as though wrapped in a rolled rug. This cold has affected my brain. In demand after sneezes and cries, Be aware of aloof Sarah Flatic,
In need of psychiatric session,
Dreamy clouds drift passed.
How long can they last;
My season of personal recession?
--- Karen Amstutz
Made her what some call a bitch.
She had breast cancer;
That was her answer.
If I could, personalities I'd switch.
--- Karen Amstutz
Till a surgeon sliced off her left titty.
She aged overnight;
And looked like a fright,
And sometimes she said life was shitty.
--- Karen Amstutz
What side effects? Doctors just shrug.
So you have hot flashes?
Forget 100 yard dashes.
Extra pounds make me feel like a slug.
--- Karen Amstutz
Was it removed along with my bust.
Could the chemopause
Be the only cause?
It will return in time, I trust.
--- Karen Amstutz
"My hubby agrees," was her answer,
But a medic named Brown,
The new doctor in town,
Said, "I think that likely is cancer."
--- Albin Chaplin
"Gee, Doc, I don't know which is worse:
If I get a mastectomy,
My dear spouse will object to me,
And likely run off with the nurse."
--- Armand E Singer P0109 127
Who figured that he had the answer.
His new filter, we find,
Was the best one designed,
For it stifled a part of the cancer.
--- Albin Chaplin
To repair one costs one pretty nickel,
And don't get an urge
For what makes you purge.
Please, don't eat a big garlic pickle.
--- Anon
To be sunning myself while they work.
If the truth they knew,
They'd beg pardon till blue;
No yard work is cancer's only perk.
--- Harlan Morrison
Developed a malignant tumor.
When Blue Cross paid the bill,
It gave her such a thrill,
That she cried, "Now I'll take one or two more!"
--- Anon
Who gave a good fuck with sufficiency.
Though her left tit was shot
Through with cancerous rot,
Her right tit made up the deficiency.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2917
Silently grow as they spread,
Surround the bile duct
Which they then obstruct.
Patients turn yellow then dead.
--- L H Sobin P9003
The big-C has got its own way.
Despite medication,
It's with trepidation
That the Piper I'll very soon pay.
--- Frank
Perhaps a lethal injection
To hasten my ride
To the other side;
I'm open to any suggestion.
--- Frank
Scientists are taking off their hats.
While they still are not sure
They're closer to a cure;P
They found research makes cancer in rats.
--- Tom Patton P0506
Was possessed with a raunchy aroma.
It was putrid as hell,
Like a slaughterhouse smell;
He had only a small carcinoma.
--- Albin Chaplin P0109
The doctors convened to palaver.
They concluded the answer
Was to keep his good cancer,
And to toss out his rotten cadaver.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1720
"So sit down to lessen the shock.
It's definitely cancer,
But treat it I can't, sir.
It's too late. Just look at the clock."
--- Bmac TP9804B
Is sure not a great mood enhancer.
For though you might live,
It's not positive,
You might end dead as a merganser.
--- Monique de Plume TP9804
Was arrested while laid on his back,
And for the first time
It was not for a crime,
But far worse -- an arrest cardiac.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
His weight he tried hard to conceal.
And he hoped it would seem
That the butter and cream
In his arteries wouldn't congeal.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Sclerosis? I've got it! Sclerosis!
So what? So I've got it!
I'll not be without it!
So what? It's just a diagnosis!'
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Told that sex was an absolute "no,"
"I'll give up my jogging
But not dummy flogging:
People claim it's the best way to go.
--- Armand E Singer 986
Improve much on Extreme Unction?
A recent report
Says the op will abort
About 20% of brain function.
--- Peter Wilkins
Should I blow in her ear and awake her?
Though I rise semi-hard,
I must be on guard
So as not to abuse my pacemaker.
--- William N Nesbit P9605 a
Who had yet to see a vagina.
When he took a bride,
And she spread 'em wide,
He promptly dropped dead of angina.
--- Mark Calvin
Or so have their poets bespoke.
This likeness to trees
Suggests heart disease,
For they both may be felled by a stroke.
--- Laurence Perrine P8605B
Finds his pace-maker driving his nuts.
His sex life's a strife,
For while loving his wife,
His garage door then opens and shuts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9209a
Overweight and unfit, I could tell.
"Since I was a minor,
I've had Acute Angina..."
"Yes," says I, "And pretty nice titties, as well!"
--- Percy Longprong
Who made me go all hot and drooly.
My pacemaker slipped
And my jeans nearly ripped,
When the feeling went down to my goolies.
--- CyberCelt T9710
The pain in my chest started growing;
Was I having orgasm
Or cardiac spasm?
Didn't know: was I coming or going?
--- Ed Potts P8812
Who decided to be a love bandit.
But when he rolled in girls' arms
And they unleashed their charms,
He found that his heart couldn't stand it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0168
This is file apm
Made a limerick up in his head.
But before he had time
To write down the last line...
--- Elliot Moreton B
From heart that's been stuffed for decades;
But worse time for Jack
Was when heart attack
Occurred during game of charades.
--- David Miller
And besides, he enjoys the odd trick.
He has heart congestion
So here's a suggestion:
Let him do what he likes with his prick!
--- James
Right now, there is no real dissension.
It seems too much salt
May be at fault,
As one cause of hypertension.
--- Sam Chen
Some connubial sex. Comprehend?
Here's a second opin -
No adulterous sin!
Tell your intern she's only a friend.
--- William Nesbit P0109B
I said to my friend astronautic.
It's not a great place
For a heart attack, space.
One giant leap POW! Rigor mortic.
--- Anon
To comply with the doctor's strong wish.
But now, if you please,
Since there's less heart disease,
The doctor no longer gets rich.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Who had an angina attack.
So a balloon was inserted
And surgury averted,
As well as a month in the sack.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
I function not now we're apart.
So please bring it back,
Your ever loving Jack,
The Cardiac Ward of St Barts.
--- Anon
Who walked with the aid of a cane,
Was told, it is said,
He should stand on his head
And let the silly thing drain.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Saw the doc regarding his phallus.
"As his heart isn't sure,
There's a doubt I can cure."
"Oh Dr, Oh why digitalis."
--- Tom Patton P0304
The cold's got to me and it's rough.
It's only just begun;
Yes, this is day one;
Already friends, I've had enough.
--- Tony Burrell
I've no need for doctor detection.
But to get a drug
Must present my mug,
For the big green booger inspection.
--- Anon
Whose conduct I've written a sonnet on.
With a cold in her head,
She departed to bed,
For a week, with her boots and her bonnet on.
--- Anon
There are many things people may do.
The Greeks swab their throats,
Milking billy goats;
The Scots use cheap beer and a ewe.
--- MrMalo
Is to keep myself cozy and snug
In my bed with a lass
And occasional glass
Of chilled Moet et Chandon or Krug.
--- Peter Wilkins
I keep thinking, "I cannot feel worse."
Then my nose gets stuffy,
My eyes get all puffy.
Some drugs to myself I disburse.
--- Marlene
And you want the healing to quicken,
Take this advice:
Take an aspirin twice,
And to your soup add a boiled chicken.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
It must be, as everyone knows,
The damn CIA
Bugged my head some way,
That they have refused to disclose.
--- Anon
Contracted one winter a rare chill;
To his doctor he said,
"I've a cold in my head,
And low temperature suits my research ill."
--- Harold C Bibby
Nine million folks have colds, I learn.
They snuffle and sneeze,
Tissues up to their knees,
As the rest of us wait for our turn.
--- Tony Burrell
Ibuprofen may be apropos.
And expect some expense
For expectorants, since
You'll be coughing up big wads of dough.
--- Jerry Nordal P2005 B
The deadly disease to allay.
For his work, he's indebted
To the mean who can spread it
With a coughing and seezing display.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2533B
This morning, while I was out pleasing
Old Bessie, but now
I'm wondering how
I'll ever stop coughing and sneezing.
--- Travis
A wet slimey cough that attacked,
Everyone in the room;
Germs started to bloom;
Then all over us the bugs snacked.
--- Anon
Cupid makes our romances unfold.
But this year, instead,
Cupid sneezed on my head,
And he gave me some kind of a cold.
--- Hans
Don't get me wrong; love them to pieces.
But when either one blows
Her cute little nose,
Aunt Tami gets coughs, chills, and sneezes.
--- Karen
Felt so ill, she ached down to the bone;
Her doctor then said:
"Better get thee to bed,
But for God's Sake, please get there alone."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9404
With soda and honey, she made,
When we were just small
Is the best of all --
I would rather eat a grenade.
--- Marlene
The cold that he had was not funny.
He could barely endure it,
So he thought he would cure it
With a hot roll in bed with some Honey.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2347a
My nose is stopped up like and old jug.
I must stop my ravin',
It's dreamland I'm cravin',
But how can I sleep with this cold bug?
--- Anon
I've writen some garbage again.
I've posted it here,
But don't touch it, my dear.
You don't want my cold -- it's a pain.
--- Marlene
Manufacturers still advertise,
"Since they're so super strong,
They'll last day and night long."
All that's a thin tissue of lies.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0302
Who for morning mists was fanatic.
Reveling in natures smog,
She went 'round in a fog
For she was, as it were, miasmatic.
--- L C Fitz P0209
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