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Here lie the remains of Michelle;
For a time she was going swell.
But she got the flu
And blew out the goo,
But blew out her brains as well!
--- Anon

I sat down on my brand new credenza
To enjoy the 1812 cadenza.
It persisted so long
And the cold breeze was strong
Where I sat, ergo then influenza.

(suggested by Jill)
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0001

This weather is really a mess,
And the flu this year is pitiless,
With fever and shakes
That makes your gut ache,
And your intestines shout out SOS.
--- Azul

This flu bug is taking its time
To depart. Its most worrying crime
Is (apart from the sneezing
And coughing and wheezing)
This uninspirational rhyme.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm suffering now with the flu;
In daytime, there's little to do.
I can sit at my 'poot;
Play the piano. Oh shoot!
I'm out of ideas, any clue?
--- Anon

I took to my bed with the 'flu;
I didn't know what else I should do.
I wrote lots of notes,
Rhyming lines and some quotes;
I hope I don't cause folks to sue.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

If fate were to randomly pick on
Poor me, to be fatally stricken
With the Avian Flu,
It would sadly be true
That I owed my demise to a chicken.
--- Alex Heydon

Margaret Beckett should be retesting (UK Enviro Secty)
Two parrots that I say were nesting;
Though it might be the flu
From some Taiwanese zoo,
I'm sure they're not dead; they're just resting.
--- David Miller

John's scared of the 'Bird Flu', and that's
Why he's armed with two baseball bats;
And dressed incognito
In clothes of a scarecrow,
Surrounded by hundreds of cats.
--- Q

Bird flu, they say's on its way
To swoop down upon the UK.
One day you'll be kickin',
The next cook some chicken,
And feel your insides fricassee.
--- Jarmo

A sickly young fellow named Claude
Fell down in a faint on the sod.
He divulged it was true,
He had caught Asian Flu,
The disease which one gets from abroad.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1709

We're troubled by H5N1:
Will it do us all in 'fore it's done?
Will I have to reduce
What I do to a goose,
And resort to a girl to have fun?
--- Q

We're troubled by H5N1;
Will it do us all in 'fore it's done?
Will I have to reduce
What I do to a goose,
And resort to a girl to have fun?
--- David Miller

And what if that girl is infected?
If I know, should that piece be rejected?
Or should I proceed
Fulfilling her need,
With my pecker well-wrapped and protected?
--- David Miller

And what if it's me that's infected?
Should I hurry, before it's detected,
To get all the joy
I can from my toy,
Withdrawing before I've injected?
--- David Miller

Or should I forget about health
And go about spreading the wealth,
(And crabs and disease
And chiggers and fleas)
By guile and seduction and stealth?
--- David Miller

If caught, I'd give up without strife
"Cause what could they offer me -- life?
I'd go with less fear
Of attacks from some queer,
'Cause he'd catch worse than aids from his "wife".
--- David Miller

And what of poor Bessie, the cow,
Could she be a vector somehow?
Could I give her the flu
And spread it to you?
That's something to think about now!
--- David Miller

Though John is not very pretty,
His limericks are, and real witty;
In volume and jollity
Of much higher quality;
The bastard must head a committee.
--- David Miller

Hell! Avian disease (with a whoosh!)
Is here; give your budgie a douche.
No good crying, "Fowl!
Go boil, wash that towel!"
Birds in hand are worth flu in the mush.
--- Doug Harris

Because of a disease that is new
The chickens of Hong Kong are through.
Where is it heading?
Will it be spreading?
In Beijing they have no clucking flu.
--- Tom Patton P9808B

If you get the Bird Flu, then it means,
You haven't the latest vaccines;
Then fevers and aches
Will give you the shakes,
And a strong urge to shit on windscreens.
--- David Miller

John's scared of the "Bird Flu", and that's
Why he's armed with two baseball bats;
And dressed incognito
In clothes of a scarecrow,
Surrounded by hundreds of cats.
--- David Miller

In Essex where everyone's tough,
None of the blokes gives a stuff
If parrots succumb
To H5N1.
They're used to their birds being tough.
--- Jarmo

A merry old man of Oporto
Had long had the gout in his fore toe;
And oft when he spoke
To relate a good joke,
A terrible twinge cut it short, O!
--- Published 1822

Once again I'm down with the gout;
When it's bad I never go out.
I tell those that care
It's from kneeling at prayer,
Not drink, as the unkind ones tout.
--- Anon B

There's a brewmaster sick with the gout
(Small wish to be up and about),
Who tells his sweet nurse
He'd like to be worse
And try his own cure to get out.
--- Paul Waterman

I once had an arduous bout
With a singular bad case of gout;
It hurt like a pistol,
And the urea-crystal
Took (it seemed) 50 years to break out.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8512

There once was an old man with bad gout;
Had a pain so intense he would shout,
"Who's the son of a bitch
That just now flipped my switch,
And turned all my electrolytes out?"
--- Tom Patton P0303

Which head are you talking about?
If it's the lower, I have no doubt
This book'd do the job.
(It made me just throb!)
It's rich enough to give you gout!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

He gave out an agonized shout,
Screaming in pain from his gout.
"One cheek of my tochus
Sports a huge tophus;
That makes my jockeys wear out!"

(Tophus - gritty, sandy)
--- Jim Jambor P9103

My close neighbour is terribly stout;
He suffers severely from gout.
Yesterday in the mall
He had a bad fall;
The neighbours heard him bellow and shout.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was an old man, who said: "Curse!
There's the chauffeur embracing my nurse,
If it weren't for my gout
I'd get up and go out,
But I'm frightened of making it worse."
--- Mrs D Sadler P0103

This is file amm

I have this disease called the gout,
The pain's so intense, I must shout;
My sex life's diminished;
It's now all but finished.
Toe suckin' for instance, is out!
--- Mark Levy P0109

Anacathartic: it means
If you take it you'll spill all your beans.
I don't mean that you'll prate;
You'll throw up all you ate.
You will vomit all over your jeans.
--- Sheila B

In Bath they've remarkable buns;
I was told this by several nuns.
You take a quick bite,
And you're up half the night
With a terrible case of the runs.
--- Bill Wall

There was a young lady of Cowl,
Who had a disease of the bowel.
All the dogs in the street,
Lapped up the green meat
That fell from her sanitary towel.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A slender young model named Gretchen,
Claimed "Bullemia keeps me so fetchin'.
Perhaps exercise
Would slim down my thighs,
But it's much more effective just retchin'."
--- Anon B

A poor redneck farmer named Keyes
Was felled by some loathsome disease;
"A dillar, a dollara,
You've ring 'round the cholera,"
Pronounced his physician Louise.
--- Armand E Singer 656

If I constipated should be--
Another home cure remedy--
Though I am uptight,
Things will come out right
'Cause my Diarrhea Pill's with me.
--- Irving Superior P9107

With Asian food she had a fascination.
The dish required extensive mastication
She ordered a bowl
And swallowed it whole
The net result was major constipation.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206

If you're still stuffed with chocolate and cheeses,
And waiting 'til discomfort eases,
Well, worry no more.
It's hard to ignore,
But constipation does not cause diseases.
--- Election 2000

"Ach du leber," roared Dr. von Schtoopen,
"Small vunder der spirits iss droopen.
You haff constipation,
A common stagnation,
Vat in Cherman, ve call farfrumpoopen!"
--- Bob Giandomenico P9405

A tourist from Big Run, PA (PA)
Was travelling down Mexico Way;
Montezuma's revenge
Was quite a challenge,
That left him in some disarray.
--- Allan Ottley P8805

When something needs doing bad,
I often feel quite glad,
That I am still at home,
So there's not far to roam,
For that Diarrhea problem I had.
--- Anon

Whenever I get diarrhea--
Assuming it should happen hea,
I'd not run and curse.
I'd finish this verse
'Cause my Constipation Pill's nea.
--- Irving Superior P9107

There once was a girl from Gymeer,
Who like to take it up the rear.
A man from Tibet
Said, "My God! You are wet!"
She said, "No, it is just diarrhea."
--- David Sydney

I once drank some water from a stream;
It's a harmless act, it would seem.
But when a change came about,
Now my insides are out,
And I wear lots of Monkey Butt Cream!
--- Russ

I know what I really should do,
Is to wash when I've done number two.
Because worse than the streams
Are the poo germs, it seems.
And who knows, I could pass them to you!
--- Russ

I'm sorry that you're all alone;
Like the airport, I'm stuck here at home.
Sick with diarrhea,
But I've an idea,
How 'bout if I send you my clone?
--- Carol

I don't wish to cause any scenes
While your turning six shades of greens,
But I feel you must know
That your clone is a ho,
And she's tried twice to get in my genes.
--- Jon Gearhart

I guess I'll just sleep on the floor
Downstairs till your ills are no more.
And once they have passed,
(With a green noxious blast)
We've got some fun games to explore.
--- Jon Gearhart

Just in time for the holiday,
I'm better and no cramps today.
So Honey, please wait;
I'll be there at eight,
And those games we will start right away.
--- Carol

Hear the plight of the traveler named Titus:
No control of his anal detritis.
This fecal disaster
From germs in his gaster, (gasto-intestinal?)
Comes from bugs we all pray will not bite us.
--- Armand E Singer 76

On finding an old cafeteria,
Sam 'n Ella, the rabid bacteria
Had sex on the pasta,
Then multiplied faster
Ingested in someone's interior.
--- PeterW

That someone was me, I can tell,
'Cause my bathroom's as smelly as hell.
There's shit on the floor,
And yet more on the door,
And there's puke on the ceiling as well.
--- PeterW

So sorry to hear 'bout those germs.
Did you get it from some pachyderms?
With the elephant flu,
There are gallons of poo,
And your insides are crawling with worms.
--- Faerie

You're lucky the cure is quite simple;
Find a woman who's wearing a wimple.
Have her suck your dick;
You'll no longer be sick,
'Cause those germs will pop out like a pimple.
--- Faerie

A grimmericks writer called Bean,
Ate food from a plate that's unclean.
He fed on some pork
With a dirty old fork,
And died of that dreaded gangrene.
--- Bob Birch P0302

My work goes in starts and in fits,
For first I begins then I quits.
I'm in and I'm out,
I'm having a bout
Of what's known round here as the squits.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Tidd's wank in the dunny's quite funny;
I'm sure he's not paid any money,
To sit on the throne
With hand on wee bone,
And perve on some nude Playboy bunny.
--- David Miller

"Yes, hot garlic oil enemas for
All diseases and ailments galore!"
Thus my mom would admonish,
Then really astonish:
"Take just three a day only. No more!"
--- Don Moore P9107

A fellow who lived by a lake,
After lunch had a mild belly ache.
So just on a whim
He went for a swim,
And left bubbles along in his wake.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502

A sick man by the name of Nolan
Had a belly so sore and so swollen.
Surgery was a success
But his bowel was less;
He was left with a ;.
--- Tom Patton P0609

A man with no vent for his bile
Came drifting down on the Nile.
He'd come for the cure
To make his skin pure,
And eliminate his verdigris smile.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

It could be the curried vindaloo,
As they often pass right through you.
But I am a-guessin'
That someone was messin'
With the salad, or even the stew.
--- Anon


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