Here lie the remains of Michelle; I sat down on my brand new credenza (suggested by Jill)
This weather is really a mess, This flu bug is taking its time I'm suffering now with the flu; I took to my bed with the 'flu; If fate were to randomly pick on Margaret Beckett should be retesting (UK Enviro Secty) John's scared of the 'Bird Flu', and that's Bird flu, they say's on its way A sickly young fellow named Claude We're troubled by H5N1: We're troubled by H5N1; And what if that girl is infected? And what if it's me that's infected? Or should I forget about health If caught, I'd give up without strife And what of poor Bessie, the cow, Though John is not very pretty, Hell! Avian disease (with a whoosh!) Because of a disease that is new If you get the Bird Flu, then it means, John's scared of the "Bird Flu", and that's In Essex where everyone's tough, A merry old man of Oporto Once again I'm down with the gout; There's a brewmaster sick with the gout I once had an arduous bout There once was an old man with bad gout; Which head are you talking about? He gave out an agonized shout, (Tophus - gritty, sandy)
My close neighbour is terribly stout; There was an old man, who said: "Curse!
This is file amm
I have this disease called the gout, Anacathartic: it means In Bath they've remarkable buns; There was a young lady of Cowl, A slender young model named Gretchen, A poor redneck farmer named Keyes If I constipated should be-- With Asian food she had a fascination. If you're still stuffed with chocolate and cheeses, "Ach du leber," roared Dr. von Schtoopen, A tourist from Big Run, PA (PA) When something needs doing bad, Whenever I get diarrhea-- There once was a girl from Gymeer, I once drank some water from a stream; I know what I really should do, I'm sorry that you're all alone; I don't wish to cause any scenes I guess I'll just sleep on the floor Just in time for the holiday, Hear the plight of the traveler named Titus: On finding an old cafeteria, That someone was me, I can tell, So sorry to hear 'bout those germs. You're lucky the cure is quite simple; A grimmericks writer called Bean, My work goes in starts and in fits, Tidd's wank in the dunny's quite funny; "Yes, hot garlic oil enemas for A fellow who lived by a lake, A sick man by the name of Nolan A man with no vent for his bile It could be the curried vindaloo,
For a time she was going swell.
But she got the flu
And blew out the goo,
But blew out her brains as well!
--- Anon
To enjoy the 1812 cadenza.
It persisted so long
And the cold breeze was strong
Where I sat, ergo then influenza.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0001
And the flu this year is pitiless,
With fever and shakes
That makes your gut ache,
And your intestines shout out SOS.
--- Azul
To depart. Its most worrying crime
Is (apart from the sneezing
And coughing and wheezing)
This uninspirational rhyme.
--- Peter Wilkins
In daytime, there's little to do.
I can sit at my 'poot;
Play the piano. Oh shoot!
I'm out of ideas, any clue?
--- Anon
I didn't know what else I should do.
I wrote lots of notes,
Rhyming lines and some quotes;
I hope I don't cause folks to sue.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Poor me, to be fatally stricken
With the Avian Flu,
It would sadly be true
That I owed my demise to a chicken.
--- Alex Heydon
Two parrots that I say were nesting;
Though it might be the flu
From some Taiwanese zoo,
I'm sure they're not dead; they're just resting.
--- David Miller
Why he's armed with two baseball bats;
And dressed incognito
In clothes of a scarecrow,
Surrounded by hundreds of cats.
--- Q
To swoop down upon the UK.
One day you'll be kickin',
The next cook some chicken,
And feel your insides fricassee.
--- Jarmo
Fell down in a faint on the sod.
He divulged it was true,
He had caught Asian Flu,
The disease which one gets from abroad.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1709
Will it do us all in 'fore it's done?
Will I have to reduce
What I do to a goose,
And resort to a girl to have fun?
--- Q
Will it do us all in 'fore it's done?
Will I have to reduce
What I do to a goose,
And resort to a girl to have fun?
--- David Miller
If I know, should that piece be rejected?
Or should I proceed
Fulfilling her need,
With my pecker well-wrapped and protected?
--- David Miller
Should I hurry, before it's detected,
To get all the joy
I can from my toy,
Withdrawing before I've injected?
--- David Miller
And go about spreading the wealth,
(And crabs and disease
And chiggers and fleas)
By guile and seduction and stealth?
--- David Miller
"Cause what could they offer me -- life?
I'd go with less fear
Of attacks from some queer,
'Cause he'd catch worse than aids from his "wife".
--- David Miller
Could she be a vector somehow?
Could I give her the flu
And spread it to you?
That's something to think about now!
--- David Miller
His limericks are, and real witty;
In volume and jollity
Of much higher quality;
The bastard must head a committee.
--- David Miller
Is here; give your budgie a douche.
No good crying, "Fowl!
Go boil, wash that towel!"
Birds in hand are worth flu in the mush.
--- Doug Harris
The chickens of Hong Kong are through.
Where is it heading?
Will it be spreading?
In Beijing they have no clucking flu.
--- Tom Patton P9808B
You haven't the latest vaccines;
Then fevers and aches
Will give you the shakes,
And a strong urge to shit on windscreens.
--- David Miller
Why he's armed with two baseball bats;
And dressed incognito
In clothes of a scarecrow,
Surrounded by hundreds of cats.
--- David Miller
None of the blokes gives a stuff
If parrots succumb
To H5N1.
They're used to their birds being tough.
--- Jarmo
Had long had the gout in his fore toe;
And oft when he spoke
To relate a good joke,
A terrible twinge cut it short, O!
--- Published 1822
When it's bad I never go out.
I tell those that care
It's from kneeling at prayer,
Not drink, as the unkind ones tout.
--- Anon B
(Small wish to be up and about),
Who tells his sweet nurse
He'd like to be worse
And try his own cure to get out.
--- Paul Waterman
With a singular bad case of gout;
It hurt like a pistol,
And the urea-crystal
Took (it seemed) 50 years to break out.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8512
Had a pain so intense he would shout,
"Who's the son of a bitch
That just now flipped my switch,
And turned all my electrolytes out?"
--- Tom Patton P0303
If it's the lower, I have no doubt
This book'd do the job.
(It made me just throb!)
It's rich enough to give you gout!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Screaming in pain from his gout.
"One cheek of my tochus
Sports a huge tophus;
That makes my jockeys wear out!"
--- Jim Jambor P9103
He suffers severely from gout.
Yesterday in the mall
He had a bad fall;
The neighbours heard him bellow and shout.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
There's the chauffeur embracing my nurse,
If it weren't for my gout
I'd get up and go out,
But I'm frightened of making it worse."
--- Mrs D Sadler P0103
The pain's so intense, I must shout;
My sex life's diminished;
It's now all but finished.
Toe suckin' for instance, is out!
--- Mark Levy P0109
If you take it you'll spill all your beans.
I don't mean that you'll prate;
You'll throw up all you ate.
You will vomit all over your jeans.
--- Sheila B
I was told this by several nuns.
You take a quick bite,
And you're up half the night
With a terrible case of the runs.
--- Bill Wall
Who had a disease of the bowel.
All the dogs in the street,
Lapped up the green meat
That fell from her sanitary towel.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Claimed "Bullemia keeps me so fetchin'.
Perhaps exercise
Would slim down my thighs,
But it's much more effective just retchin'."
--- Anon B
Was felled by some loathsome disease;
"A dillar, a dollara,
You've ring 'round the cholera,"
Pronounced his physician Louise.
--- Armand E Singer 656
Another home cure remedy--
Though I am uptight,
Things will come out right
'Cause my Diarrhea Pill's with me.
--- Irving Superior P9107
The dish required extensive mastication
She ordered a bowl
And swallowed it whole
The net result was major constipation.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206
And waiting 'til discomfort eases,
Well, worry no more.
It's hard to ignore,
But constipation does not cause diseases.
--- Election 2000
"Small vunder der spirits iss droopen.
You haff constipation,
A common stagnation,
Vat in Cherman, ve call farfrumpoopen!"
--- Bob Giandomenico P9405
Was travelling down Mexico Way;
Montezuma's revenge
Was quite a challenge,
That left him in some disarray.
--- Allan Ottley P8805
I often feel quite glad,
That I am still at home,
So there's not far to roam,
For that Diarrhea problem I had.
--- Anon
Assuming it should happen hea,
I'd not run and curse.
I'd finish this verse
'Cause my Constipation Pill's nea.
--- Irving Superior P9107
Who like to take it up the rear.
A man from Tibet
Said, "My God! You are wet!"
She said, "No, it is just diarrhea."
--- David Sydney
It's a harmless act, it would seem.
But when a change came about,
Now my insides are out,
And I wear lots of Monkey Butt Cream!
--- Russ
Is to wash when I've done number two.
Because worse than the streams
Are the poo germs, it seems.
And who knows, I could pass them to you!
--- Russ
Like the airport, I'm stuck here at home.
Sick with diarrhea,
But I've an idea,
How 'bout if I send you my clone?
--- Carol
While your turning six shades of greens,
But I feel you must know
That your clone is a ho,
And she's tried twice to get in my genes.
--- Jon Gearhart
Downstairs till your ills are no more.
And once they have passed,
(With a green noxious blast)
We've got some fun games to explore.
--- Jon Gearhart
I'm better and no cramps today.
So Honey, please wait;
I'll be there at eight,
And those games we will start right away.
--- Carol
No control of his anal detritis.
This fecal disaster
From germs in his gaster, (gasto-intestinal?)
Comes from bugs we all pray will not bite us.
--- Armand E Singer 76
Sam 'n Ella, the rabid bacteria
Had sex on the pasta,
Then multiplied faster
Ingested in someone's interior.
--- PeterW
'Cause my bathroom's as smelly as hell.
There's shit on the floor,
And yet more on the door,
And there's puke on the ceiling as well.
--- PeterW
Did you get it from some pachyderms?
With the elephant flu,
There are gallons of poo,
And your insides are crawling with worms.
--- Faerie
Find a woman who's wearing a wimple.
Have her suck your dick;
You'll no longer be sick,
'Cause those germs will pop out like a pimple.
--- Faerie
Ate food from a plate that's unclean.
He fed on some pork
With a dirty old fork,
And died of that dreaded gangrene.
--- Bob Birch P0302
For first I begins then I quits.
I'm in and I'm out,
I'm having a bout
Of what's known round here as the squits.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I'm sure he's not paid any money,
To sit on the throne
With hand on wee bone,
And perve on some nude Playboy bunny.
--- David Miller
All diseases and ailments galore!"
Thus my mom would admonish,
Then really astonish:
"Take just three a day only. No more!"
--- Don Moore P9107
After lunch had a mild belly ache.
So just on a whim
He went for a swim,
And left bubbles along in his wake.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502
Had a belly so sore and so swollen.
Surgery was a success
But his bowel was less;
He was left with a ;.
--- Tom Patton P0609
Came drifting down on the Nile.
He'd come for the cure
To make his skin pure,
And eliminate his verdigris smile.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
As they often pass right through you.
But I am a-guessin'
That someone was messin'
With the salad, or even the stew.
--- Anon