There once was a dancer, Culpepper,
Who now is a terminal leper.
One foot in the grave,
(The one they can't save)
He shuffles along a one-stepper.
--- Irving Superior P8512

There once was a man with no arm,
Who worked as a hand on a farm.
A boot found in the hay,
And he was heard to say,
"It's just my foot, there's no alarm."
--- Carrie Heath

There once was a banker named Moore,
Who got leprosy in Singapore.
He did well in investin',
'Til he lost his intestines,
Now his body is covered in sores.
--- Wes Biggs

There once was a leper from hell
Whose rot had a horrible smell.
It was driving him bonkers,
So he pulled off his honker,
For he knows, the nose knows all too well.
--- Wes Biggs

My cousin likes Ruffles with dip.
It makes for an excellent chip.
He lives with a leper,
Doesn't bother to schlepp her,
Thrusts his Ruffles into her hip.
--- Jonathan Winn

A girl who ignores facts she hears,
With leprosy rotted for years.
She behaved so disdainfully,
She slowly and painfully
Died in an ocean of tears.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I found me a whore and I kep'er,
Though I don't know why -- she's a leper;
Her cunt has a taste
That would just go to waste,
If 'tweren't for much salt and black pepper.
--- Anon

A leper would massage his gland;
One day it came off in his hand!
He said: "Now I do,
What's achieved by so few,
I suck my own dick. Ain't that grand?"
--- Anon

If you're broke to the bottomest max,
Invite lepers to parties for snacks;
Have 'em sit by the table
As close as they're able,
And use Fritos to dip in their backs.
--- Anon

My God! What a disgusting view,
Using lepers and snacking their goo.
If you need the money,
To buy some dip, honey,
Let me know and I'll give it to you.
--- Anon

A leper whose skin was just flaking,
Fell into an oven and was baking.
When crisp, he was dished,
And the people all wished
That they had known what they were making.
--- Funny Bone

I have news of that really fine cow,
That Bessie that we used to plow.
I'm weak in the knees,
And was told that she's
A Big Mac, please don't ask me how.
--- Frank Fazed

You're sure that she really is dead?
They probably whacked her in the head.
Those McDonald Fuckers,
Money grubbing suckers,
With mad cow we're about to be fed.
--- PeterW

That Oprah was on the right track.
She said she would send burgers back.
The beef guys retort?
"We'll see you in court!"
No mind that a good case they lack.
--- Frank Fazed

I'm watching my health, don't you see;
I think I'll just let Bessie be.
You guys ahve a treat
On that mad cow meat,
But look for strange signs whem you pee.
--- Frank Fazed

One of those tragic anomalies
Affecting our Public Health policies --
Scores of accident victims
Will be killed by restrictions
On blood, lest one get mad-cow disease.
--- Dr Limerick 02-16-01 B

Mad Cows, oh please don't disturb
In attempt their diseases to curb,
Lest, like killer bees,
They drop their chemise,
And breed with the indigent Serb.
--- Martin Wellborn P9606

The EU health head, David Byrne,
Took costly steps, once he had learned
That pinching his pence
Had stopped making sense,
And he hopes faith in beef will return.
--- Election 2000

You can only catch mad cow disease
If you eat beef from other countries,
Or give Texans a break
And eat lots of the steak
Oprah's show caused to rot in deep freeze!
--- Prof M-G

My son was quivering and quaking;
A tongue lashing from Sis he's taking.
He turned to ask me
"Why's it call PMT?
"Mad cow disease, son, had been taken."
--- Tony Burrell B

You can only catch mad cow disease
By rejecting the vet's remedies.
Said one cow to the other,
"We don't need to bother.
Thank goodness we're both chimpanzees."
--- Traqair TP9804

You can only catch mad cow disease
From naughty things done on your knees.
That beef gives this tumor,
Is just right-wing rumor --
Another one of those CONSPIRACIES!
--- H Myers

But wait! Is that address "U K?"
Cow lovers, can anyone say
Amongst STD's
Is there mad cow disease?
(Excuse me, I'll just stay away.)
--- Anon

He deflowered those cow girls with ease,
Leaving most of them weak in the knees.
Though he had to admit
They had left him unfit,
And infected with mad cow disease.
--- Narwahl

"It's hell keeping pets," said Elise.
"The cat is infested with fleas;
The parrot won't speak:
The baboon's bladder's weak
And the budgie has Mad Cow disease."
--- John Dole P9604

You can only catch mad cow disease
From an unhappy cow's nasty sneeze.
Even worse, (and I shudder)
Is a squirt from her udder
And this is no bull, if you please.
--- KJR

A comic, by name Jerry Lewis,
Used his tremors and quiverings to woo us;
Plus Saint Vitus Dance
And ants in his pants,
While giving Mad Cow Disease to us.
--- Arthur Deex

It would seem their theory is insane.
What do these scientists have to gain?
Mad Cows Disease, Gracious!
It must be fallacious,
Because Jerry never had a brain.
--- Tom Patton

Just look at this fellow, he's sick!
There are spots on the end of his dick!
His voice, it goes lower,
Thinks he's a lawnmower.
This virus he got from a cow!
--- Faerie

I have calves brains on toast for a starter.
Now to fits I've become quite a martyr.
When I sit down to play,
My hands run away
With the Jakobfeldt-Kreuzer Sonata.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

You can only catch mad cow disease,
Thought the blonde going down on her knees,
"So I won't eat his beef;
I'll just jerk him relief,
And then I will lick all the cheese!"
--- Friar

You can only catch mad cow disease
If you eat well-cooked beef on your knees.
Genuflecting is bad,
And it makes you go mad.
So we ask you to keep standing, please.
--- Emma TP9804

You can only catch mad cow disease,
While in Washington, D.C.
If you touch or lip
Old Linda Tripp,
'Cause a sick mad cow is she!
--- Marsha Magee

This is file akm

There once was a cow mad as hell;
Disease caused her brain to swell.
Such was the fate
Of Dame Thatcher's mate
And now afflicts cattle as well.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

You can only catch mad cow disease,
If you get down on your knees
And try to make butter,
By sucking her udder,
Till milk's past your eyes, don't you see.
--- Theresa

Said Dr Dripspigot, "You've got
A high fever, bloke, you're hot!
I think that your sneeze
Is Mad Cow Disease;
A head cold? I think that it's not!
--- Travis Brasell

Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1:
"No harm can ever be done
To me or to you."
"Why's that?" asked Cow 2.
"We're frogs!" said the first. "Ain't that fun?"
--- Anon

The second cow thought: Is it true?
Then color my green hide all blue!
For we've big baggy udders
Instead of webbed rudders,
And in place of a 'ribbet', we moo
--- Anon

You can only catch mad cow disease
If you dine on their meat at your ease.
It's really a fad
With the cows going mad;
Not a thing I would like, if you please.
--- Anon

You an only catch mad cow disease
From those Euro-cows, we swear! So please,
Your duty's to eat
American meat,
And stay away from those peas.
--- Codfish TP9804

You can only catch mad cow disease
If you're bitten by one of their fleas.
It takes just a chomp
On the end of your rump;
You're MAD; but the flea is appeased.
--- PJ TP9804a

You only get mad cow disease
From pissed-off cows overseas.
They're killing our breed off,
Those cows that are teed-off;
Ain't it offal? No steak, if you please!
--- Marsha Magee

You can only catch mad cow disease
Eating beef...but from pork pie and peas,
You can catch mad pig flu,
And from eating lamb stew,
You can catch mad sheep sickness with ease.
--- Prof M-G

That old cow, it's true that I woooooed
With a bit of moral turpituuuuude.
Now help me, please!
I've got Mad Cow Disease!
It does really ruin the moooooed.
--- Frank Fazed

Send Bossie to Bosnia now!
After all, she is only a cow.
And the slaughterhouse may
Be deprived of its prey
By a purpose far nobler, somehow.
--- William C Nesbit P9605

All the cows with the Mad Cow disease
Should be in Bosnia, overseas.
There they can trample
Where land mines are ample,
Then be served by Serbian McD's.
--- Tom Patton P9605

We'll now have more fear and more loathing,
If veterinarians are now diagnosing
A flock in Vermont,
Finding not what they want --
But Mad Cow lurking in a sheep's clothing.
--- Dr Limerick 03-21-01

Please put your mind at ease;
Old Bossie can still get a squeeze.
She was rejected
'Cause she was infected;
Old Bossie has mad cow disease.
--- Les Stewart

That mad cow disease makes them jump.
So now, when we get near her rump,
We'd best hang on tight
And ride her just right,
If we want a decent cow hump.
--- Frank Fazed

That cow looks suspicious to me;
Hasn't moved since 2:30, I see.
Our Bessie's insane;
It's her spongiform brain.
BSE. Now she thinks she's a tree.
--- Rory Ewins

This Mad Cow Disease scare is intense,
So when consuming beef, show some sense.
As with the STD's,
This could be a breeze,
If one makes sure to use condiments.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0402

A masochist with algophilia,
Said Come on; the pain wouldn't kill ya!
His friend said, "What rot!
Look, I am, you're not
Algophobic, so shut up, man, will ya?"
--- Rory Ewins Q

So you reckon that pain wouldn't kill ya?
It's likely you've got algophilia.
You think you'd go ouch?
Algophobic, I'd vouch.
Now hand me those nipple clamps, will ya?
--- Rory Ewins Q

Aliteracy: yes, you can read,
But the thought of it bores you indeed.
One look at a book
And your noggin's all shook,
And a newspaper makes your eyes bleed.
--- Rory Ewins Q

I once knew a lady named Lynn,
Who wasn't fat, but then wasn't thin.
But how she would try,
Like she wanted to die;
To her, diets were a big sin.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

With his Asperger's syndrome he coped,
Quite as well as his doctors had hoped.
He hollowed a tree,
Moved in, and said, "Me?
I'll go out no more unless doped!"
--- Kate Gray

I'm going to go crazy real soon;
I think it might be a true boon.
I hear in the bin,
The girls scream and spin,
And sometimes they put out the poon.
--- H Welchel

The teachers consistently doubted;
The student persistently pouted.
All in the District
Claimed her autistic,
Saying, "That's all that there is about it."
--- Anon

Now I never suffer from stress,
But if you go look at the mess
I leave in my wake,
With the things that I break,
You'd call me a carrier, I guess.
--- Anon

I push any door I should pull;
I spill any glass that is full;
And one store man stated,
Quite exasperated:
"This china shop'd rather a bull."
--- Anon

I handle young ladies while groping
For door handles, fervently hoping
I'll make my escape,
Before they cry "Rape!",
And I won't in jail soon be moping.
--- Anon

If there be a God, then he blessed
This fellow, who never gets stressed;
As blithely I ramble,
And let others scramble,
To pick up the shards, quite distressed.
--- Anon

Insanity is inherited;
This maxim I've often heard said.
Parents, if inspected,
Found to be infected;
They've caught it from kids they have bred.
--- Tony Burrell

There once was a person named Lou
Who taught me a lesson or two.
He seemed nicely balanced
Until he was challenged
And then his true colors shown through!
--- dcpatriot

Lou had a need to control
That eclipsed any semblance of soul.
His love was quite tainted;
His nature not sainted,
In fact, he'd the traits of a troll.
--- dcpatriot

A man called O'Hara, one day
Decided he'd make the world pay.
He wrote down a plan
To destroy every man --
But the wind came and blew it away.
--- Michael Palin