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It must have been quite a scare! The good advice I have took, When you're kneeling in front of your chick, There was a young maiden of Perth, Take care, now you've mounted the stairs, I think, my old son, that you've lost I'd rather be mounting my wife There once was an athletic young runt; A girl is a much trickier matter, A lawyer acquaintance of mine An obstreperous old joker named Wills Could Wendy be one and the same For six bits I'll sell you a cane; Said the dirty old man, "I must shave ya, There once was a girl from Belize A corpulent girl from Ignatius Here's Simon, born age 34... His ma never harked to his cries, Each time now he goes to the loo, An old whore once boasted she'd take three, A vicious young lady named Ida There once was a sea captain's bride Selena lured sexy banditos An Irish colleen named Bryannon A woman who hailed from Ely, A suitor that come from Mt Decker, She's done magic tricks now, for years. A cautious young girl of Khartoum (godamn Frenchmen are everywhere - McW)
A magician named Hillary Hunt A whore who abhors sex that's runny, The rat though, with utter precision, There was a young lady named Prim There was an old man of Lapeer The great circus midget called Runt A slushy swamp girl, Chloe Cloggs, A lady who came from Peru A lady from Arlington Heights (apologies to Charlotte the Harlot)
A practical joker named Jake (see Charlotte the Harlot, the Cowpunchers Whore - McW)
Before Betty tempts you to sin, it There was a young girl of Samoa, A female magician's best stunt Anne just couldn't get off her rocks. If you should go out with young Mary, And should that canary go sniff, Way down in the depths of Louisa's There was a young girl from Edina, There once was a fellow from China, A harlot who came from Peru In her travels, a lady named Dinah "The Lost Chord", a popular ballad While playing one day with my organ, So straight away I climbed aboard, "When young," she said and she frowned, A straightforward matron of Stow When they probed a young woman named Kannel, A menstruating bitch called greer, There was a young girl from the Cape, There were three young ladies of Fetters, A frantic young bridegroom named Fowle Before bedding the amorous Stella, A girl in New York named Miss Grace, An old maid who had a pet ape, For money (and something to clamp on) Said Yasmin from Saudi Arabia: There was an old woman from Groton Let girls who would virgins remain, There was a young girl from New York,
From now on, you'd better beware.
Next time you kneel,
First you better feel
And be sure nothing's hidden up there!
--- Kaylin
And added to my sex technique book.
Under "Warnings" and stuff
About eating good muff;
"Make sure, before licking, to look!"
--- Mike Dale
And your mouth's salivating for clit,
First a probe with your tongue...
Oh my God! I've just come!
I'll return when I've cleaned up a bit.
--- Mike Dale
Whose vagina was sewed up at birth.
All because her fond mother
Feared some man or other
Would carnally alter her girth.
--- G1590
When bannister sliding, for there's
A chance that a splinter
Will work its way in ter
Your pussy, and all end in tears.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The plot, and you've found to your cost,
That if you come here,
And at our stuff sneer,
You'll find that we cannot be bossed.
As I oughta, without any strife,
Not playing aroun'
And thus sliding down
The double-edged razor of life.
--- John Miller
While at bat, she squared up to bunt.
Misjudging the swerve
Of a wicked curve,
The ball buried itself in her cunt.
--- Puff Adder
Unless she is mad as a hatter.
If she kept in the cath-
eter taking a bath,
She'd take in the bath and get fatter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Subpoenaed his girl, as a 'line'.
That cute little Venus
Would stuff his 'sub-penis'
In places where sun doesn't shine!
--- Jemstone
Gave unwary girls nervous chills
To the point of hysteria,
When their underbrush area,
He stuffed full of ten dollar bills!
--- Grand Prix Lim 615
Young lady who danced over a flame,
And during the stunt
Her ass and her cunt
Was welded shut? Damn, what a shame!
--- Anon
It's good if you have a backsprain.
I did use it once
In two old whore's cunts,
But you will not notice the stain.
--- Travis Brasell
The better to ogle your labia
So pretty and pink --"
She said, "T'aint what you think --
That's my used bubblegum, you old knave, ya..."
--- Robin K Willoughby P8601 a
Who could put fruit up her cunt with ease.
If you're drinking some tea
When she has to pee,
Just ask "Some lemon juice, please."
--- Anon
Had a cunt that was wonderfully spacious.
Inside could be found
A fish and a hound,
A gorilla, a whale, and -- Good Gracious!
--- Cunning Linguist
How come? Well his mom was a whore.
And each time he'd stick
His head out, some prick
Would hit it and close off the door.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Each time he got spunk in his eyes.
She'd just pat her cunt,
Yelling "Suck it, you runt!
And then I could charge twice the price!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
His bladder is filled with thick goo.
He has trouble with pissing,
So folks hear him hissing --
That damn stuff keeps sticking like glue.
--- Dirruk
And all for a nominal fee.
She opened her twat;
I shoved in my cat,
My dog, then my hamster, then me.
--- SFA
Loved feeding her pet beasts inside her.
The result of this whim
Was one broken-down quim,
Three pups, and a circumcised spider.
--- G1256
Who fell in the bay at low tide.
You could tell from her squeals
That the salt water eels
Had found a new dark place to hide.
--- Dads Dirt
By filling her chookie with Fritos.
She frowned when they said
She could only give head,
'Cause they couldn't get past the mosquitos.
--- Anon
Was fired from the mouth of a cannon.
I bet you a Punt,
She'll get fish in her cunt,
When she lands on the banks of the Shannon.
--- Anon
Got really incensed with a fly.
It flew straight up her twat,
So she gave it a swat
And to that fly, 'twas sadly "Bye bye!"
--- Michelle
He set as his sex goal to check her.
His night full of lust
And sex was a bust,
As her cunt already had a pecker. (wood that is)
--- Kristen
Her specialty usually brings cheers.
From top hat a bunny?
No, coney from cunny;
She pulls brer hare out by the ears.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Always kept a large frog in her womb.
She said, "I'd be wild
If I did have a child,
And this way, there just isn't room."
--- G1674
Had a trick that she did with her cunt;
She would insert a glove
Then pull out a live dove --
Now wasn't that truly a stunt!
--- Cap'n Bean P9809
Just keeps a live rat in her cunny.
Her pet is well fed
Each time her legs spread,
And now is as big as a bunny.
--- Anon
Is perfectly trained for its mission.
For five extra bucks,
Each fellow she fucks
Will get a complete circumcision.
--- Anon
Who kept a dead cat up her quim.
The meat of her pussy
Was constantly juicy,
But no one could push past the rim.
--- G2461
Who fucked an old whore from the rear.
It squeezed on her sprat,
When out jumped a rat,
Which had lived in her snatch for a year.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2893
This is file ajl
Performs an incredible stunt.
He's shot from a cannon
Across the wide Shannon,
And lands in the Fat Lady's cunt.
--- David Miller
Went wading one day in the bogs.
Imagine her fright...
She discovered that night
Her trap full of live pollywogs!
--- Grand Prix Lim 37
Was proud of the magic she knew.
After having a fuck,
From her cunt she would pluck
Several geese and a rabbit or two!
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0575
Shoved a diamondback up 'twixt her tights.
Although it's not chic,
Her cunt is unique;
It's the cute one that rattles and bites.
--- Practical Press
(For humor he sure takes the cake),
To con some poor fool,
Instead of his tool,
Inserted a live rattlesnake.
--- Armand E Singer 315
Is wise to reflect for a minute.
By a quirk of design, her
Enormous vagina
Has several piranha fish in it.
--- Michael Horgan
Who plugged up her cunt with a boa.
This strange contraceptive
Was very deceptive
To all but the spermatozoa.
--- L0977
Was all her specatators could want.
She could reach down and snare
A spectacular hare,
From her perfectly clean-shaven cunt!
--- Punchenello
She tried stuffing her thumb in her box;
She tried carrots, a marrow,
And a half-decayed sparrow --
Why, she even tried cream cheese and lox!
--- Anon
Take very great care lads, be wary.
If you try to feck her,
She's got her own pecker;
She's up her cunt stuffed a canary.
--- Anon
And fall off its perch awful stiff,
With legs in the air,
Then you'd better beware
Of young Mary's obnoxious whiff.
--- Anon
Sweet pussy live three tiny geezers;
Rewarding their teasing
Exceedingly pleasing,
She gives them wee hand-jobs with tweezers.
--- Anon
Shoved avians up her vagina.
As much as she pleased,
'Til one day, she sneezed --
Out popped three toucans and a mynah!
--- Anon
Whose wife had a talking vagina.
He tongued through her fur,
Then finally licked her,
And discovered inside her, a mynah!
--- Richard Long
Knew magical tricks, one or two.
She would make it her habit
To pluck out a large rabbit,
When the last of her patrons were through.
--- Albin Chaplin a
Harbored several white mice in her vagina.
When asked for her reason,
She quipped, "They're in season,
And men like to eat them in China."
--- G1223
Of the British elite in those salad
Days of Victoria's
Reign, Oh so glorious,
Has ne'er before suffered such malad-y.
--- Anon
That randy young slut, Tracy Morgan,
Said, "Come put it in
To my nice juicy quim;
You're bigger than my boyfriend, Jorgen."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And to heights of pleasure we soared;
But when I took my pole
Out of love's glory-hole,
Attached was a thin piece of cord.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"A tampon went in, wrong way 'round.
When I got the thing,
It was missing its string,
So at last, the lost cord I've found.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was distressed by her kinky old beau,
And bunged up each channel
With wads of thick flannel,
Saying, "Now he has nowhere to go!"
--- Hugh Oliver A095C
Who complained she felt choked in her channel,
They found shoehorns and spoons,
Twelve busted balloons,
And twenty-two yards of red flannel.
--- G2149
Had a cunt that stunk like a queer.
The problem she had
Was an old jammy-pad
That had been stuck in her twat for a year.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Filled her hole with bicycle tape
To ease up the pangs
Caused by the whangs
Of gentlemen bent upon rape.
--- L0817
Who annoyed all their elders and betters,
By stuffing their cockholders
With proxies for stockholders,
Old bills, and anonymous letters.
--- L1271
Scrutinized his bride's cunt with a scowl.
And he growled, "Wait a minute!
Now, how can I plug in it,
Unless you first pull out that towel?"
--- G0073
Sam was asked by her previous fella,
"At the time of insertion,
If it's no great exertion,
Would you try to retrieve my umbrella?"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0401
Lined her pussy with satins and lace.
"If you must eat in style,"
She said with a smile,
"I maintain a most elegant place."
--- John Miller
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
His red, hairy phallus
So filled her with malice,
She sealed up her snatch with Scotch Tape.
--- G1526
Young Suzi inserted a tampon.
She diddled her cunt
Till she came with a grunt.
And then sold it still fresh with her damp on.
--- Peter Wilkins
"If you want to fuck me, there maybe a
Problem. Your mast
Has got to get past
The velcro that seals up my labia."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who stuffed her stretched sink hole with cotton;
I'll admit that in truth
It restored her lost youth,
But fooling her husband was rotten.
--- Armand E Singer 956
And thereby drive boyfriends insane,
Transplant to their box
Some Velcro that locks,
No matter how hard they may strain.
--- Irving Superior P9503
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.
--- L0330
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