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A frugal pet owner named Matt, The asphalt was covered with rain, Fantastically gorgeous Sue Vector, A couple named Andy and Claire There was an old person who knew The gangster had feelings insidious; An adventurer went east -- and went west. A freak at the circus named Brown, There once was a woman named White, "Good luck," said the tutor of Hassin, Papa's darling, concealing her crime, A woman who called herself Dar They have a free press in Iran, "I do not," said the murderous Budd, If you only kill one, you're a zero, The corpse in a pool of its gore 'Neath these clods lies a Limerick fan Little Willie laid Jill on the track, There was a young man named Alexis When he got a hot tip from a pro, There once was a woman named Smith A party girl, drunk off her rocker (disappeared in Aruba mid 2005)
A newly wed woman of Florence, In the heinous and cold-blooded slaughter A young noisyphrenic, quite terse, In this century all can attest The partitioning of Vladimir Scowles A family known as the Pucketts I know of a girl named Donner, A psycho professor named Derrish There was a young man from Dunbar, An eerie young fellow named Mark A young man who came from Manila, A young naval captain was steamin' -- A kinky old farmer named Flannery the noise that you usually give There was a strange fellow named Ted, A young woman settled near Yuma, A famous old Hollywood actor A youngster named Roosevelt Wayne, A fellow whose name had been Max, An incautious young woman named Venn (fen - low peaty watery land)
A curse to his parents was William; A vicious young psycho named Slater The family known as the Burns I've sent my regrets to Nepal, They tried hard to kill rich Aunt May (in Ellery Queen magazine)
In a world that's a bit of a dud, A faggot living at Ewell, Yes, life is a bit enigmatic, The beating of Solomon Reeding There once was a dour old curmudgeon, But maybe I'll cook her in oil, (mother-in-law flame)
When the shortage of fuel made it hard A psuedo-messiah, Koresh, There once was a dumb man named Lee; A Boy Scout, his parents detestin', Mac's life was a practical joker, He was found on the floor near the fender; The police came with a ring on the bell; The detectives soon came in their macs; Just then they all received a surprise; There once were some folks who were bitter A cluster of kids was attacked Betrayed by his partner at bridge, A cold-hearted robber named Jed Athena was struck on the head,
Fed SPAM do his dog and his cat.
He turned up next day
With his head ripped away,
And inserted in where he once sat.
--- Bob Roberds
In the spot where they'd murdered poor Jane;
The roadway was steep
And the water ran deep,
As it carried her blood down the drain.
--- Cap'n Bean
A peerless Production Director,
Worked her design magic
Until her end tragic
At the hands of a drug debt collector.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9712
Were murdered when caught unaware;
The deaths of the twosome
Were horribly gruesome
And ended their sorid affair.
--- Cap'n Bean P0205
What decorum decreed he should do.
But did something quite other
And murdered his Mother,
As fancy directed him to.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
His moll had to him been PERFIDIOUS.
One day he did spy
The girl with the guy.
He offed them in manner fastidious.
--- Elois
He was boxed with a cross on his chest.
He had packed all his arms,
And all his lucky charms;
All he missed was his bullet-proof vest.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
While wearing the fat lady's gown,
Tried to force some strange sex
On the girl with two necks,
And was strangled to death by the clown.
--- Cap'n Bean P0108
Who died in a violent fright,
While shaking and thrashing,
And sobbing and gnashing,
And screaming with all of her might.
--- Cap'n Bean P0007
The on-the-job training assassin,
"You'll get your B.A.
As soon as you slay
The next he or she who is passin'."
--- Irving Superior P8407
Hid his corpse in a barrel of brine.
To the jury she pled,
"The old drunkard's not dead.
He's just pickled now, ALL of the time."
--- Steve Wickersham
Was killed in a manner bizarre;
She was forcibly snatched,
And her head was detached,
And was pickled inside of a jar.
--- Cap'n Bean P0109
Where books are not subject to ban.
When they don't like a work,
They hunt up the jerk
Who wrote it and murder the man.
--- A N Wilkins P8903
"Have a penchant for violence and blood.
I merely pushed Jane
In the path of the train,
In order to hear the ka-thud!"
--- Henry Fitzgerald
A murderer baser than Nero;
But if in a war,
You kill eighty score,
By God! You're a national hero.
--- Laurence Perrine P8903
Was fond on the billiard room floor;
But how it got there
And who, why, and where,
Must wait until page 304.
--- Laurence Perrine P8903
Who refused to write lines that would scan;
He was murdered, they say,
In a most gruesome way:
Thirteen footprints were found on his can.
--- Robin K Willoughby P9404
Then the train came along and went SMACK!
Since I was the next
That Jill would have sexed,
You can see I was taken aback.
--- Anon
Who did it with folks of both sexes.
But the wrong ass he pinched
And poor Alex was lynched,
'Cause they don't like that shit down in Texas.
--- Karen B
He arranged for some Mafia dough.
But he lost at the track --
Couldn't pay the juice back --
Now he lies with a tag on his toe.
--- Peter Wilkins P9806
Who showed maternal instinct a myth.
She said she's attacked
And the kids were car-jacked,
But it was she who offed them forthwith.
--- Anon
Met guys who were eager to "dock" her.
Cops with airplanes and scuba
Scour the shores of Aruba,
But she's gone down to Davy Jones Locker.
--- Bruce
She wept for a reason that warrants
Depression and gloom,
For they murdered her groom;
Her tears were cascading in torrents.
--- Cap'n Bean P0010
Of the Reverend's twelve-year old daughter,
They convicted Jerome,
Who claimed he was home,
But his alibi didn't hold water.
--- Cap'n Bean P0209
Used to shout, from his car, every curse.
One day he yelled "Fag"
At an armed cop in drag --
That noisyphrenic is now in a hearse!
--- Sam Shaffe P8708
That mankind did his murderous best.
Let there be not a doubt,
It's the age of the lout
When a killer is only a pest.
--- Warrick Elrod
Was sickening: they came on his bowels
In a firkin; his brain
Was found clogging a drain,
And his toes were inside of some towels.
--- Edward Gorey
Was killed in the borough of Ruckets;
Their bodies were found
Hacked apart on the ground;
The pieces were gathered in buckets.
--- Cap'n Bean P0408
Whose sister often picked on her.
But she got the last laugh
With a piranah in the bath,
And her sister now is a goner.
--- P Copeman
Once authored a text that he cherished.
When the book was turned down,
He traveled downtown,
And oh, did his publisher perish!
--- Keith Gilman P0108
Who playfully pickled his ma.
When he finished his work,
He remarked with a smirk,
"This will make quite a family jar."
--- Anon
Had an attic with spaces quite dark,
Which is where he had placed
All the girls he had chased,
And then murdered at night in the park.
--- Cap'n Bean P0508
Turned into a highly paid killer.
His victims, sad to say,
All finished in one way,
In foundations to act as a filler!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
This is file ahm
Hot mad over a fight. Like a demon
He got all hell bent,
And off half-cocked he went
On the sub, as he shot all his seamen!
--- Anon
Stripped hides off farm lads in his granary.
They'd have died if they'd learned
How much money he earned,
By selling their pelts to a tannery.
--- Armand E Singer 943
When strangled until you don't live
Is a sharp choking sound
As you fall to the ground;
A ch-ch-ch affricative.
--- Anon
Who bashed young girls over the head.
They fried sicko Bundy
The day after Monday,
And folks rejoiced that he was dead.
--- Alexander Baron
Infested that place in a bloomer.
But persons of taste
Were not slow to make haste
To conduct her aside and entomb her.
--- Newton Mackintosh P8803
Said he'd be my true benefactor.
But, he'd only slouch
On his casting couch.
He's mashed up in my trash compactor.
--- Anon
On his way to the school, in the rain;
With a rope made of jute,
He was killed by a brute,
Who was known to be highly insane.
--- Cap'n Bean P0401
Was murdered one night with an axe,
By a crazy named Fred,
Who severed the head,
Using only a couple of whacks.
--- Cap'n Bean P0310
Was seen with the wrong sort of men.
She vanished one day,
But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
--- Edward Gorey
With rancor and hatred he filled 'em.
"Who asked to be born?"
He'd sneer and with scorn,
"Who asked to be born?" so they killed him.
--- Irving Superior P8903
Just did in his mater and pater,
And remarked with a grin,
Wiping drool from his chin,
"I'll come back for sis a mite later."
--- Armand E Singer 350
Had the fate for which nobody yearns;
They were savagely killed
And their bodies were grilled,
Now their ashes are resting in urns.
--- Cap'n Bean P0302
The Royal Clan's dead, nearly all.
The Prince's dear mother
Said, "Marry another!"
She's now Holy Cow in a stall.
--- Travis Brasell
And finally did it one day.
Now her nephews and nieces
Are richer than Croesus,
Proving where there's a will there's a way.
--- Betty Joahmans P9108a
People die, leaving graves in the mud.
But a minute to think:
Lies written in ink,
Can't hide facts written in blood.
--- Sandman
Found his bonfire needed more fuel,
So he threw in Uncle James
To heighten the flames,
A measure effective through cruel.
--- Langford Reed
And happiness not automatic,
But murder, of course,
With a smidgeon of force,
May be neatly performed in the attic.
--- Paul Hoffman
Left him broken and dying and bleeding
On the hot, barren sand
In a desolate land,
Where the vultures awaited their feeding.
--- Cap'n Bean P0112
Who manners fill his family dudgeon. (resentment)
Till one impatient young heir
Slithered up to his chair
And beat him to death with a bludgeon.
--- Anon
And laugh as she tries to recoil.
In a bubbling vat
Of hot animal fat,
I'll watch the old harridan boil.
--- PeterW
To maintain the big blaze in our yard;
We threw on Aunt Ho,
Who heightened the glow,
But I fear she became somewhat charred.
--- Langford Reed P0103
Vexed the Feds. Oh what a mess!
He said, "My law is higher",
And started a fire.
The result: A bunch of burned flesh.
--- Anon
He got in a street fight, you see.
He was hit by a bar,
And now has a scar
On his neck where his head used to be.
--- Anon
Killed both with two blows of his mess-tin;
And as they were rotting,
He practiced his knotting
On big sister's lower intestine.
--- Beelzebub
He was tops for a retired broker.
He was good to the end,
When found by a friend,
Beaten to death with a heavy poker.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
He looked like he'd been on a bender.
There was blood on his head;
He was obviously dead,
The man thought of as a never-ender!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"'Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo, what the 'ell,
It's the joker, old Mac,
Who's laid flat on his back,
Look at 'im. Lying there like 'e fell!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
We want to know all of the facts.
We did not like your friend,
But we don't like his end.
It looks like he was killed by an axe.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
The corpse arose before their eyes.
With my own croaking,
I have finished with joking;
He fell! A heart attack was his demise!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
That they had a child and they hit her.
The child then died
And so they had lied,
And said it was beat by the sitter.
--- Anon
By a man who was savagely whacked;
Their bodies were bled,
Then he left them, for dead,
In a dumpster, all tidily stacked.
--- Cap'n Bean P0308
And therefore in debt by a smidge,
He broke, with the phone,
Her occipital bone,
And then stashed her away in the fridge.
--- Beelzebub TP9804
Had murdered a tailor named Ted;
He cut off his breath
And he choked him to death,
With a yard of his costliest thread.
--- Cap'n Bean P0111
And was left, in repose, on her bed,
Where she died, in the night,
On a soft sheet of white,
That was stained from the places she'd bled.
--- Cap'n Bean P0411
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