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Though risking some bone-jarring falls,
He climbed up the ivy-clad walls.
Alas, though, he slipped;
Some tender flesh ripped;
He lay looking up at his balls.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Then Romeo did lie there and moan,
Then thought, "I can sew them back on!"
Alas, it's too late;
What's sewed is his fate;
A bird took his balls and was gone!
--- Floyd Moody

Then Romeo, ball-less and bleeding,
Too late saw the caution sign reading:
"Be careful, m'lad,
This wall, ivy-clad,
Will render ye worthless for breeding."
--- Anon

Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.
When Juliet swallowed
That portion there followed
A Romeo who over-grieved.
--- Irving Superior P9401

"But soft! And what light through yon plate
Glass window doth brightly conflate?"
Said Romeo, "Permitteth
On my visage to sitteth,
And perchance I'll divine what thy weight."
--- Hugh Clary

"To sleep on marble slab" must be
From Juliet, Act Five, Scene Three.
The scene where Mr. Romeo
Lets all of his teardrops flow,
And then acts suicidally.
--- Irving Superior P9806

Pity Romeo. Why? For love martyred!
And Malvolio likewise. Both bartered
Their peace for a love
They got little of --
One star-crossed, the other cross-gartered.
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

The Montesques and Capulets
Has Romeo in Juliet's.
He finds beneath her tit
A note, "I'm faking it,
So start without me, signed "Regrets."
--- Irving Superior P9012

If Shakespeare were writing today,
Romeo would probably say:
"Yo bitch, Juliet,
Yo pussy is wet,
So open up and swallow my spray!"
--- Deep Goat

Young Romeo set out on a date.
When he arrived, he was very late.
She said: "Don't you bother,
I'll stay home with father."
So a great love became a great hate.
--- William K Alsop Jr

The Bard once caused quite a sensation
With a question which launched consternation.
As with that famed duet
Romeo - Juliet,
"Pray tell, just what's in an appellation?"
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0012

When Juliet speaks sad of heart
Young Romeo, his eyes up start.
Up up and when he sees
There's dark beyond the knees,
Cries to the sun, "Oh, wherefore art...?"
--- Irving Superior P8401

There was a man called Aaron the Moor,
Who performed evil deeds by the score.
His being of no worth,
They set him in the Earth,
And then covered him with sand all o'er.
--- Pervez Rizvi

Philomel wove her rape in a rug;
Lucrece stabbed herself in the dug;
Lavinia, when violated,
Got her raptors pie-olated...
Too bad about dad's fatal hug.
--- Janet McLellan

As a way of saying goodbye,
Before he was going to die,
Titus collected
The ones he suspected,
And baked them all into a pie.
--- Marcus Marti

In Titus many will die,
Including an ill-favored fly.
But the play's biggest punch
Comes when Tamora's lunch,
Includes her two sons in a pie.
--- Alan Dessen

Old Titus got angry that day,
'Cause Tamora had got in the way.
So he hacked and he hewed
And he stuttered and stewed,
And he died. Bloody shame. Bloody play.
--- Tad Davis

There once was a leader called Titus
Whose acts of revenge truly fright us.
He cooked Tamora some food
Which she happily chewed,
Till her meal cried out, "Momma, don't bite us!"
--- Enid Leff

Aaron said to Tamora, "Soft, a word.
What was that loud cry that I heard?
Are you in some pain?
I pray you, explain."
"Yes, I'm giving birth to your bastard!"
--- Pervez Rizvi

I'm glad Will decided to write us
An absolute villain to fright us.
The moor was sublime,
But Aaron won't rhyme,
So I had to write this about Titus.
--- Roger Gross

The ravished Lavinia lies bleeding.
Some timely first aid she is needing.
But Marcus, no nurse,
Instead wraps her in verse.
To much Ovid, it seems, he's been reading.
--- Janet MacLellan

She loved her new husband, for sure,
Though his sexual performance was poor.
But to quench her demand,
She had Titus's hand,
And her other amour was a Moor.
--- Markus Marti

Do you think Julie should be indicted?
Do you feel that her film was benighted?
Was it too hip by half?
Did you puke? Did you laugh?
Well, recall it was not copywrited.
--- Roger Gross

There once was a queen called Tamora;
Her story's of blood and of gore-a.
She ate her own sons,
With pastry and buns,
And she died right there on the floor-a.
--- Melissa Cook

Poor Lavinia, uable to speak
Without tongue, could do nothing but creak.
Without any hand,
She wrote in the sand,
But no one knew Latin or Greek.
--- Markus Marti

We're all hoping that some year Anne'll
Assemble a critical panel
To review Titus' skill
With the grinder and grill,
In a video on the Food Channel.
--- Ted Syrett

Most of Titus's sons are now dead;
Then his daughter is due to be wed,
But plans go astray.
A bloodthirsty play!
'Til the Empress at last is well-fed.
--- Ray Lischner

Doughty Titus comes home from the war,
Kills Alarbus to even the score.
Rape and murder ensue
Plus a maiming or two,
And the banquets got corpses galore.
--- Douglas Lanier

We mistakenly trusted that Titus
Intended to feed us, not fight us.
But he fought us with food;
Chiron tasted good stewed,
But Demetrius gave us colitis.
--- Beth Bradburn

As a general, he's expert in slaughter;
Yet his eyes cannot hold back their water.
He sits on a bench
And swears bloody revenge,
For his hand, all his sons, and his daughter.
--- Markus Marti

Most brave and victorious Andronicus,
Whose wisdom can often astonish us;
Why'd you offer your hand
To that vile Moorish man,
Whose dagger so swift fell upon it, thus?
--- Douglas Lanier

The story of Titus is yucky;
He wasn't what you would call lucky.
He'd twenty-five sons,
And lost all but one.
His future, it looked rather mucky.
--- Melissa Cook

Will's unmerry wife was bestraught,
So 'A Lover's Complaint' she upbrought:
"I do 'What You Will'
'As You Like It' and still
Thy rod and 'Falstaff' comfort naught.
--- Kathleen A Martin P8401

This is file afl

"If the 'Measure For Measure' is oblique,
'Tis the four plays before that be weak;
Such a fine frontispiece
For the 'Rape of Lucrece!"
Then she brought his bare bodkin to cheek.
--- Kathleen A Martin P8401

"To be or to not!" she did scream.
All the 'Hamlet' could hear, it would seem:
A 'Pill of Grim Passion'
Is not what I fashion
To be 'A Midsummer Night's Dream!'"
--- Kathleen A Martin P8401

Their 'Twelth Night' of marriage drew nigh:
"Something 'Moor'" said dear Anne with a sigh.
"If thou shew me the skill
Thou possesseth with quill,
What a merry young wife would be I!"
--- Kathleen A Martin P8401

Kind gentlemen, begging your pardon,
Is it far to the Forest of Arden,
Where men in accord
With the will of their lord
Turn the wilderness into a guardin'?
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

Instead of obeying "Milord"
To get herself rumored and bored,
She sheared off her tresses,
And put off her dresses,
And took up a dagger and soared!
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

First Cleopatra grasped the hasp
That loosed her dress then grasped the asp
That she'll to bosom press.
And then when living less,
Her gasp she rasped, they grasped her gasp.
--- Irving Superior P8401

Cleopatra - 30 BC
Caesar wept as did Anthony.
"A lovely face, just
A lop-sided bust,
With neither one of them a 'D'".
--- Irving Superior P8401

When Cleo wrapped a rug around
And the rug by Caesar's found,
To Persia Caesar hies.
More 9 x 12's he buys,
Unrolling as he's homeward bound.
--- Irving Superior P8401

That warrior Coriolanus
Did several things that were heinous.
He tortured the cat,
Set fire to my hat,
And now he's been sick in my trainers.
--- Kevin Hale Q

"Heterosex is bologna,
And I love my new chartreuse kimono!"
"If you mean what you say,
We must needs change the play
To 'The One Gentleman of Verona'.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8401

There was never a need for Falstaff
To tell jokes to make everyone laugh.
He could keep a straight face
And be ultra-straight lace,
But his every remark was a gaff.
--- Neal Wilgus P8401

Blow trumpets! It's just as I told 'yer:
John Falstaff has gone for a soldier.
In the hot summer sun
He, like butter, will run,
Yet be bound for a shelf in the Folger!

(Folger Library - superb Shakespeare Library in Wash, D.C.)
--- Laurence Perrine P840

That notorious rakehell John Falstaff
Has an undersized, not-very-tall staff,
But the gay wives of Windsor
Say, "When he puts it in, sir,
What a ball, for that small staff is all staff!!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

You ask me why I come in arms?
If the lady has suitable charms,
I'll come anyplace--
On her butt or her face,
In resrooms, in malls, or on farms.

(King Henry VI, part iii, Act 4, scene 7)
--- John Miller

Young Dan, who played Mark Antony,
When questioned, has wise words to say.
It would be bad art
To submerge Brutus' part,
And let Marlon run off with the play.
--- Ted Syrett

There once was a self-serving Caesar;
How to get him to quit was a teaser.
They put their minds to it;
Thought they'd all have to do it;
Then they polished him off, the poor geezer.
--- Enid Leff

When Caesar heard BEWARE THE IDES --
So many ides (brides, tides) -- besides,
He must The Forum go.
Outside he does not know,
Inside there hide his homicides.
--- Irving Superior P8401

The propman, with sophomore wit,
Pulled the "dagger switch bit."
When the star turned around
And a real blade he found,
Quoth Caesar, "Et Tu..Holy shit!"
--- Michael Weinstein P8401

Though Webster may make a refuttal--
The source of the nasty word 'brutal'
Is Caesar's "Et tu..."
Translated: "Screw you
And all of your vicious kaboodle."
--- Irving Superior P9406

We too could be famous like Brutus
If there had been time to include us.
But all those knives flying
And he busy dying,
There just was no time to ET TU'd us.
--- Irving Superior P8903

There once was a Roman named Brutus
Who said, "I think Big Julie's screwed us."
So he joined in the queue
To give Caesar his due..
And at that point Big Julie 'et tu'd us.
--- Arthur Deex P9002

"This is serious! Caesar is dead!"
The grieving Marc Anthony said.
"Kindly cease all your jeers!
I said 'Lend me your ears!'
I didn't say, 'Give me some head!'"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8401

As Caesar crossed the Rubicon,
"With VENI VIDI VICI gone
And not to be surpassed,
I'll use THE DIE IS CAST
And save ET TU for later on."
--- Irving Superior P8401

Marc Anthony, it now appears
Was one of Rome's fruitiest queers.
Though his speech often tends
Toward misquote, he said, "Friends,
Romans, countrymen, lend me your rears."
--- Michael Weinstein P8401

There was an old maid name of Minnie
Who chanced to observe a lad skinny
As he beat on his meat,
So she said, "Come in sweet;
That is love's labor lost, you dumb ninny."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8401

A pederast fairy named Puck
Picked the Titus Snug Bottom to fuck.
With his prick in that bum,
Did this wicked way come,
But his Love's Labour's Lost 'cause he's stuck!
--- Kathleen A Martin P8401

Major poets have penned troves of treasure.
Musicians, too, increased our pleasure.
Be it Shakespeare or Brahms,
Sonnets, symphonies, psalms.
Both composed or wrote "Measure for Measure."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0307

Confessing that Measure for Measure
Has never afforded me pleasure;
I know I despise
What others may prize,
And read as a source of great treasure.
--- R J Winkler P8401

Oh pity, poor Shylock demanding
(Antonio's ships never landing)
He be lawfully paid,
Seeing high hopes betrayed
By a terrible Miss understanding.
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

Two princes woo Portia to wed
But choose to go wifeless instead.
How boldly they acted!
But see them attracted
By gold and silver miss lead!
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

Portia came off to some as contentious,
And to Shylock as very pretentious.
But when she made the plea,
"Quality of mercy,"
There were few thought those words portentious.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0205

The suitors arrived in consortia.
All wanted a portion of Portia.
In fact, although proud,
She was so well endowed,
A portion of Portia would scorch 'ya.
--- Laurence Perrine P8401

Our hero to creditor, Shylock:
"Of pity and compassion, why talk?
Though legally bound
Of my flesh, just one pound,
Not one drop of blood shed from my cock."
--- Irving Superior P8707

To Shylock: "The one pound you own,
With my cock I'll repay your loan."
To Portia: "Please rub
The end of my stub."
To Shylock: "One pound but NO bone."
--- Irving Superior P8707


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