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Said a wealthy ship owner from Thrace, "It was not my intention," I lied There once was a fellow named Bradley There was an old person who cried, There once was a woman named Claire There once was a woman named Sue, An enbalmer with a bowed head A farmer whose farm didn't yeild, There was an old person who said, A farmer named "Weathervane" Joe, There was an unfortunate fellow Through the town went young Timothy Hyde. There once was a fellow named Fritz The wealthy and dying man Seth, A sly old codger of Stimper I remember the travels of Bernie, The reported last words of George Hyde A young rock-and-roller named Clyde There was a notable dean A pointless old miser named Quince, Beginning, conceived, you are hatched; Beginning and end are obscene; On endings, I'm never too keen, With calm and frank deliberation, When John Ashcroft heard this, he cried There was a young nurse they called Sally, He is dead, he is gone, call a priest; When limerick bards pass away, Old limerick bards never die, In this life he developed a cough, The birds, they stayed up on the bough; After that, you don't know what we went through; Each wife thought he left piles of dough; Said the old man, indulging his lust, There was a young fellow named Ted Visiting his girl who lived in Salina, At the age of one hundred and four, When Pegetty found Barkis was willing, An impotent fellow named Fred Old Ivor maintained it was worth a Apparently Bertha's a lass A gal in our town (here she's nameless) A feeble old fellow named Clyde Rockefeller, it's been quite a while, Now here lies my lovely wife, Jane. My darling wife Jane lies here dead, Oh Jane, how I loved you, my dear, Well Jane, now they're saying I spilled you, The autopsy showed that McSnead "I think," said a fellow named Nate, Illusionist Mac the Magician But if you're suggesting coition, Well, just as he came to fruition, Said a troubled young fellow named Gary, There as an old whore name of Baker, An overachiever named Clay Monica was fucking old Fred, Grandpa slept while driving his Nash; "Though the sultans were very well hung," The clues were examined with care; A man who had wild heart contractions, To Sadie, the touch of a male meant I once knew a fellow called Fred, There was a young fellow named Al A contortionist, eager and nubile, In the winter, a farmer named Mose,
Scattering dracma all over the place;
On champagne and coition,
"It's long been my ambition
To go with a smile on my face."
--- Arthur Deex P0204
To my wife, as she sat there and cried.
"But your mother was ninety.
I just told her politely
'Act your age', which she did -- then she died!"
--- Friar
Who, at finding a woman, fared badly.
For he never did date
Or end up with a mate,
And he died all alone, rather sadly.
--- Cap'n Bean P0406
"I'm afraid that I'm dying", and died.
The coroner said,
"He appears to be dead";
Which he was, as I think I've implied.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose lungs would no longer hold air;
She wept and she moaned,
And she cried and she groaned,
And she died in a state of despair.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
Whose marriage was suddenly through;
She lost all her pride,
And she quietly died
From a heart that was broken in two.
--- Cap'n Bean P0900
Prayed over one recently dead.
But the dead man sat up;
The digger's heart blew up.
So the dead man buried him, instead.
--- A S Bain
Felt his fate was unhappily sealed;
He died in dismay
On a thicket of hay,
Then he rotted away, in his field.
--- Cap'n Bean P0303
"When I die, I shall die in my bed."
This resolve notwithstanding,
He stood on the landing,
Proceeding to die there instead.
--- Anon
In the gardens he relished to hoe,
Fell flat on his back
From a fatal attack,
Where he died to the caws of a crow.
--- Cap'n Bean
Who survived his wife's arsenic paella.
Then he went out and bought
A chicken pie, caught,
And dropped dead from a bad salmonella.
--- Alexander Baron
"Oh, I'm dreadfully poorly!" he cried.
When they said, "You're okay.",
Tim answered "No, Nay,
I am not," and to prove it, he died.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who perished of violent fits;
He screamed and he gnashed
And he gouged and he thrashed,
And he tore his whole body to bits.
--- Cap'n Bean P0112
Said with his last dying breath,
"I've hidden my gold
Within this household!
It's in -- uhh!" and went on to his death.
--- Anon
On his deathbed said with a simper,
"I shall relinquish life's station
With graceful degradation,
And not with a bang or a whimper."
--- William J Wilson P0607
Whose life was an unending journey;
By boat and by plane,
By bus and by train,
And his terminal trip on a gurney.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Do suggest to me somebody lied:
I can swear that a fart
On the poor fellow's part,
Represents all we heard as he died.
--- Armand E Singer 925
Always kept his guitar by his side;
All night he kept strumming
And never stopped humming,
Till he ran out of rhythm and died.
--- Dean Walley
Who had a disease of the spleen;
He had an attack
And he fell on his back,
And he died in a shallow ravine.
--- Cap'n Bean P0012
Spent a lifetime in skinning his flints.
When the last flint was skun,
He said, "Well, that's done,"
And dropped dead, which he's been ever since.
--- John Ciardi
Then later, comes marriage, you're matched.
Then moment of death,
You draw your last breath,
It's over, all done, you're dispatched.
--- Observer
What matters is what's in between.
So keep down the strife
Between husband and wife,
And hope Lady Luck won't be mean.
--- John Miller
But the Pope says, if I keep it clean,
And try to do well,
I won't go to Hell.
Well, that still remains to be seen.
--- John Miller
Oregon was the first in the nation
To permit an M.D.
To lend dignity
To the death of a terminal patient.
--- Dr Limerick
And set Federalist tenets aside;
He decreed it a crime
Anywhere, anytime,
To use drugs to assist suicide.
--- Dr Limerick
Who cared for old Bob in the Valley.
But they knew he was dead
When the Hospice nurse said,
"I pinched him but he failed to rally."
--- Bob Birch P2005
He's grown cold and his breathing has ceased.
His old heart stopped it's beating,
'Tis a fate you'll be meeting
Can't own life - it's something we've leased!
--- Bob Birch P2005
Just how will we know on that day?
From maggoted ink,
There'll be a sad stink,
Which wafts with perverted decay.
--- Travis Brasell
'Cause Jesus don't want them on high.
The devil hates laughter,
So in the hereafter,
He bans them, he wants folks to cry.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So bad that it carried him off.
Came the animal life --
And so did his wife;
He was laid to rest just like a toff.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
'Round the grave stood a horse and a cow.
The wife said "My gosh!.
He don't 'arf look posh!
I wonder where he's orf to now!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
It seems that wives, he had quite a few.
He used ten different names,
Ten wives all made claims,
And children he had twenty two.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
For them this is a tale of some woe.
It is so sad to say,
It was all wasted away,
On activities of which we'd not know!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
This is file acm
"I'll finish this lay or I'll bust!"
And quickened his stroke;
But then something broke:
He expired on the 800th stroke.
--- John Miller
Who took twenty women to bed.
As a matter of fact
He completed the act,
Just moments before he dropped dead.
--- Lims For Erudite P0205
He stuck his cock up her vagina.
With his oversize dong,
He fucked all night long,
And then died of an attack of angina.
--- Anon
Ralph hoped he might do it once more.
But his dick... couldn't wake it,
And his heart wouldn't take it,
And he died at the feet of a whore.
--- Bob Birch P0900
She really went in for a killing;
When she left the bed,
Poor Barkis was dead,
And up with the angels, re-filling.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Expired as he climbed into bed;
And, post rigor mortis,
His wife said, "I thought his
Performance was better when dead."
--- Peter Wilkins P9806
Weekend in the hills above Merthyr;
Not only for sheep
And for little Bo Peep,
But for bouncing atop of young Bertha.
--- Peter Wilkins
With a bountiful mountainous ass.
And a cleavage to die for,
According to Ivor,
Who snuffed it last Tuesday, alas.
--- Peter Wilkins
The gossips all say was quite shameless.
When her boyfriend was shot
By the husband she's got,
They agreed that the husband was blameless.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was screwing his wife when he died.
He was cold as a worm
But his pecker was firm,
Which meant burial was not justified.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0667
Had taken pleasure when going in style.
A happy leaving
Should cause no grieving
But one wonders if he came with a smile.
--- Thomas G Keller P9401
As wife, I'd no cause to complain.
As my kid's mother, too,
That job she could do,
And in bed she would go like a train.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She gave me true joy, kids and head;
She nurtured our tots
As well as my 'hots',
With ball-busting sessions in bed.
--- Travis Brasell
And oh, how I wish you were here.
For here you would bide
If we hadn't tried
That trick with the old chandelier.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But you know 'twas poor grip that killed you.
Though your sudden leaving
Has left me here grieving,
I daresay I truly fulfilled you!
--- Observer
Died neither from crack nor from speed;
Instead it was clap
Brought on his last nap,
But the papers still say he OD'd.
--- Norm Storer
As he tickled the ass of his mate,
"It would be a good show
To come when I go.
Such a death would not be a bad fate."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Asked Doris his wife for permission
To saw her in half,
But she just gave a laugh,
And said, "You're out of condition...
--- Peter Wilkins
I'll take up your favorite position.
Be careful, I fear
That you'll snuff it, my dear,
On the point of completing your mission.
--- Peter Wilkins
He snuffed it. She called the mortician,
And laughingly said,
"That's another one dead,
And he's yours when you send my commission."
--- Peter Wilkins
"There are problems with being a fairy,
Like explaining just why
You're found under some guy,
Pronounced dead from his last coronary."
--- Armand E Singer 619
Once raped by a young man named Laker.
He got more than desired,
And the poor man expired.
It was found that his heart couldn't take her.
--- Albin Chaplin
Would hop on his wife every day.
The procedure worked fine
Till he hit sixty-nine:
They brought in the corpse, D.O.A.
--- Armand E Singer 562
On his geriatrical bed.
And there on his back,
He had a heart attack,
And now the mood was dead!
--- Wes
The passengers screamed 'fore the crash.
May I go in my sleep,
Not in my jeep,
But deep in a moist and warm gash.
--- Tom Patton P9504a
Observed a physician named Chung,
"Screwing all of their wives
Took years off their lives,
Yet those rulers died happy, if young."
--- A N Wilkins P8407
The body, the bones and the hair.
The sleuth did surmise
That the lady's demise
Was due to a lion or Pierre.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1249
While seeking new sex satisfactions,
Learned what Newton's law meant
When he came as he went:
Two equal and opposite reactions.
--- Bob Aldrich P0606
An emotional cardiac ailment.
An acutemess of breath
Cause her untimely death,
In the course of erotic impalement.
--- Anon
Took a rather large lady to bed.
All went real fine,
Till they tried 69,
And she sat on his face... Now he's dead.
--- Anon
Who had perished while screwing a gal.
Adelaide, I'm afraid,
(That's the maid he had laid)
Was an honest-to-God femme fatale.
--- Isaac Asimov
Interlocked with the Duchess of Argyll.
At the climactic point
He fractured his joint,
And the Duke had him buried in style.
--- G2716
Sleeping nude from his head to his toes,
Got up, in his sleep,
And went out to his sheep,
Where he fell, and eventually froze.
--- Cap'n Bean
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