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Another young feminist, Florence, Farewell to old grandfather Bob. She tugged and she heaved to release His soul flew to heaven where God "Tough titty!" said God with a grin, "She's waited here months for you, son," "And here it's all light and manana, "But look," giggled God, "Aren't you proud "Now Bob dear; there's no need to carp, "Okay? Now I'll leave you with Peter. Big Bertha threw her man on the bed, "So Joe, you are ninety", she said The girl in the white gym attire A Bavarian dame named Brunhilde, Devoted to sex was old Reese; An addled old fellow named Heath Bill looked at his wife with affection, There was an old fellow from Kent, There once was a fellow named Morris, All young men should take note of the case Nymphomaniac Mrs. Chalmer Shed a tear for those two poor young fuckers, My old Uncle Richard got sick, Used Viagra to give him a hand. At ninety, my Great Uncle Fred There was an old fellow named Hewing, A gold-digging doxy from Darien I once had a woman so horning, An old army man name of Major There was a romantic Italian There was a young varlet named Farlet, Young Peter and Pamela Rex Here's to Jeanie! Come all, slake your thirst! To Tessie, the touch of a male meant There was a young lady called Joan A horny young fellow named Jake A woman whose spouse was untrue (in Ellery Queen magazine)
Now this was too much to ignore, (in Ellery Queen magazine)
Well at least you did try for awhile Happy Birthday to John! Hope his thirst Zeb and most fertile Aggie Lee Swim A hapless old cockster named Dutch As they laid the young man in his coffin, Old Tom was the talk of Nantucket; At the age of one hundred and four, There once was a maid named Matilda To death jumped a harlot of Thrace; The P.I. thought she caught a big whiff (Private A feeble old gambler named Phipps A negro lay dead in streets mean, There once was a plane in Nantucket There once was a dreamy old boffin Alone in his basement he puttered, Tied the rope 'round my neck with due care; The crypt of Elizabeth Bains A South African farmer named Ted A horse-racing man in Kentucky Suicide's fun to the grain! My life I so horribly dread, Well, you'd lift our spirits old son, There once was a man named McBride There once was a fellow named Scott There was a young man from Newcastle, You asshole, you ain't got no friend; Upset from the loss of his gal, Down the drug path for years he had trod, Men, beware of the fate of poor Ted,
Held all the male sex in abhorrence.
She'd take men to bed
And screw them till dead,
And then she'd collect the insurance.
--- Isaac Asimov P8112
While her grandfather played with his knob
She said, "Gramps, will you screw me?"
He did, although rheumy,
And snuffed it while still on the job.
--- Peter Wilkins
His enormous great knob from her crease,
But it wasn't to be;
Rigor mortis, you see,
Had already re-stiffened his piece.
--- Peter Wilkins
Told him, "Bob? You're a dirty old sod."
"Why, you asshole!" cried Bob,
"Couldn't I finish the job?
I was this far from shooting my wad."
--- Peter Wilkins
"But your dried-up old wife is herein.
Though she's starting to smell,
She looks awfully well,
Though admittedly ugly as sin."
--- Peter Wilkins
Chuckled God, quite enjoying the fun.
"Now there's no need to cry;
Praise the Lord! Yes, 'tis I;
For eternity's barely begun."
--- Peter Wilkins
A beautiful sexless Nirvana.
No Bob, I'm afraid
There's no chance to get laid.
Now you don't have an earthly banana."
--- Peter Wilkins
To be one of the heavenly crowd?"
"No, I'm fucking pissed!" "Bob!
Shut your cakehole, you slob,
And come sit on this cumulus cloud."
--- Peter Wilkins
For at teatime and three o'clock sharp,
You'll get lessons in tying
Your halo and flying;
Then later, you'll practice the harp."
--- Peter Wilkins
Your wife -- what a sweet senorita.
A spare set of wings
And some harps that need strings,
While I knobble your granddaughter, Zeta."
--- Peter Wilkins
And proceeded to suck on the head.
She blew him so hard,
That poor old Bernard
Hit the ceiling, ricocheted, and was dead.
--- Roger Morris
As she humped the poor bugger in bed.
And when he went limper
With never a whimper,
She merely assumed he was dead.
--- Anon
Could set young men's passions afire.
If like me, an old geezer,
I'd once try to please her,
The exertion would make me expire.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0505
Went to bed with a jerry-built builder.
The end of his john
Was so badly put on,
That it snapped in her bladder and killed her.
--- L1140
He constantly screwed without cease;
Let me put it with tact.
He succumbed in the act -
Let's pray he may lay down in deep peace.
--- Armand Singer P0001
Once bought from the chemist a sheath,
Then attepted to screw
A stripper named Sue--
So who wants to lay the next wreath?
--- Michael Horgan
Which triggered a penile erection;
He started to fuck her
When tragedy struck her:
She died from a lethal injection.
--- Armand E Singer 563
Who on pleasure, was always hell-bent.
He fucked far and wide
Till of V.D. he died,
But he claimed that his life was well spent.
--- G0628
Who died while servicing Doris.
She decided to stay
To finish the lay;
She so much enjoyed rigor mortis.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Where the guy necked his gal at its base.
No, the gal did not choke,
But her vertebra broke,
And that was their final embrace.
--- M B Thornton
Needed sex from two men just to calm her.
The men, a bit younger,
Oh, how they plunged her,
Then called in a licensed embalmer.
--- Tom Patton P9603
Attacked by automatic corn shuckers.
Going at it with zeal,
They were ground to cornmeal,
And became a new flavor for Smuckers.
--- Michael Weinstsin P9402a
And died with my Aunt on his prick;
Though she's now on the mend,
Aunt Sylvia will spend
The rest of her life without Dick.
--- David Miller
Results weren't quite what he planned.
Was hot to trot,
But experienced not
Le petit mort but la grand.
--- Irish a
Took a sexy young stripper to bed.
I'm afraid I can't say
If he had it away,
'Cause it's wrong to speak ill of the dead.
--- Michael Horgan
Whose heart stopped while he was screwing.
He gasped, "Really Miss,
Don't feel bad about this.
There's nothing I'd rather die doing."
--- Anon G0091
Laughed at Seth, the old coot she was marryin'.
On their wedding night Seth
Screwed the poor girl to death--
Quite a feat for an octogenarian.
--- G0558
She'd fuck me all night until morning.
But now she is dead;
I blew out her head
And I can't find one now for suborning.
--- Anon
Bethought himself quite a fine stager.
So he bet a months pay
He'd screw on chick a day:
It killed him and cost him his wager.
--- Armand E Singer 416
Who conducted himself like a stallion.
Too much horsing around
Put him under the ground,
And his tomb is a phallic medallion.
--- G2028
Who laughed as he raped harlot Scarlet.
But his efforts lacked lustre
And he died in a fluster,
With the laugh on the face of the harlot.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1508
Enjoyed the most peculiar sex.
One day in the crypt,
A sarcophagus slipped,
And they ended up breaking their necks.
--- Peter Wilkins
Drink up, though in grief you're immersed.
Too late for the doc,
She died of the shock
The night her husband let her come first!
--- Jeanie
This is file abm
An emotional cardiac ailment.
An acuteness of breath
Caused her ultimate death,
In the course of erotic impalement.
--- Larry Wilde Lim BookP0112
Who was killed by her boyfriend's odd bone.
His peculiar organ
Was shaped like a Gorgon,
So a single glans turned her to stone.
--- Steve Pridgeon
Died screwing six sluts by the lake.
"Oh dear sainted Jesus,
He did it to please us,"
Sighed those who attended his wake.
--- Armand E Singer 199
Came home long before she was due.
Lingerie on the rug,
Which for her was too snug
For herself, finally gave her a clue.
--- Jan Gleiter P9108a
But she knew how to even the score.
She bashed in his head,
Then truthfully said
That he died from a slip on the floor.
--- Jan Gleiter P9108a
To make love in a quality style,
You need not feel guilty,
And do not think it filthy,
Your darling lies dead with a smile.
--- Anon
For some sex over 80's not cursed;
But his sad demise
Between a slut's thighs...
He should have stopped the car first
--- David Miller
Had ten kids, all conceived on a whim.
Born thirteen months apart,
All thrived well from the start.
Ag lived long but it early killed him.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0312
Slipped both of his gears in the clutch;
His heart, overloaded,
Quite simply exploded;
Ten times in one night proved too much.
--- Armand Singer
"There's really no way you can soften
The blow", said his wife,
"'Cause poor John lost his life,
Through fucking too hard and too often."
--- CeeJay
If anything moved he would fuck it.
He was up a girl guide
On the night that he died--
A fine way of kicking the bucket!
--- Michael Horgan
My Pa died in bed with a whore,
Who said, 'It's a shame
That he went when he came,
But he went with a bang, that's for sure!"
--- Michael Horgan P0409
Whose one love in life was a dilda.
No batteries in her pocket,
She plugged into a socket;
Though she had a big smile, the thing killed her!
--- The Otter
Ten stories she jumped into space.
She fell square with her hole
On a telephone pole,
And she died with a smile on her face.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1910
Of something that caused her to sniff. investigator)
In the air a strange smell
Was a mystery as well,
Until she woke up on some stiff.
--- Anon
Was sure he could take pleasure trips.
So he bet an old whore
He could fuck her once more,
And he won, but he cashed in his chips.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0294
With stabs in his back, seventeen.
Red-necked sherrif, Bob Hearst,
Said, "Boy, this is the worst
Case of suicide I've ever seen."
--- Anon
Whose passengers all kicked the bucket.
The pilot they say
He went the same way --
After takeoff he just thought "Ah, fuck it"
--- Anon
Who felt a bad cold in the offin'.
So he took a stiff drink
Of arsenic and ink,
And now he's not sneezin' but coffin.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
With the windows all curtained and shuttered;
Depressed with his life
And the wrath of his wife,
"I wish I'd stayed single", he muttered.
--- Cap'n Bean P0507
Wrote the note: "Life is not fair."
The last thing in my life
Was the voice of my wife:
"Please take your feet off my chair!"
--- Herkin
Is spattered with dark, scarlet stains;
They cascade down her tomb
Like they did in her room,
On the night she blew out her brains.
--- Cap'n bean P0201
Attacked a brick wall with his head.
The blow could be felt
All over the veldt,
And in less than an hour he was dead.
--- Michael Palin
Backed a novice to win, which was plucky.
It lost by a head
So he shot himself dead.
Oh well! You can't always be lucky.
--- John Dole P9705
Clears your head when your going insane!
There's only one trouble
(Not to burst your bubble)
You cannot commit it again.
--- Anon
I'm waving a gun at my head;
I've left you this note,
Now I'll aim at my throat;
Tomorrow you'll find me here dead.
--- Cap'n Bean P0010
By aiming the point of a gun,
An inch from your ear.
You'd not hear the cheer
But all of us here would have fun.
--- Anon
Who jumped down a manhole and died.
And he never was found
In the pipes underground.
His end was proclaimed: sewer-cide
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who was not your everyday sot.
He drank gasoline
Mixed with pure kerosene
And he's dead now, believe it or not.
--- Margaret A Murdock P8404
Who decided that life was a hassle.
He drove off a cliff
While smoking a spiff;
He landed right on me, the asshole!
--- Anon
Go stick your dumb head 'round the bend
Of that clever device
In your bathroom; be nice
And make of yourself a quick end.
--- Anon
A sailor from Texas, named Al,
He jumped from the deck
Of the USS Peck,
And he drowned in the Erie Canal.
--- Cap'n Bean P0504
On a spacey perpetual nod.
He pumped stuff in a vein,
And he'd never complain,
But he's now a real "son of the sod."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0308
Whose best work was all done in bed.
Though he never complained,
His heart became strained,
And now he's exceedingly dead.
--- Prob Henry Miller P0309
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